Letter to (Yet Another) Totally Straight Wide-Stance Republican

[marmar]

via AlterNet's PEEK:



http://www.alternet.org/blogs/peek/93675/letter_to_%28yet_another%29_totally_straight_wide-stance_republican/



Letter to (Yet Another) Totally Straight Wide-Stance Republican

Posted by General JC Christian, Jesus' General at 11:44 AM on August 2, 2008.

Be proud of your duties guarding the Alabama AG's purity.



John Godwin
Homecoming King
Executive Assistant
Office of the Attorney General
State of Alabama

Dear Mr. Godwin,

It's no surprise that the forces of homosexunistofascism and their allies in the dildonic technology industry are trying to bring down your boss, Attorney General Troy King. His work defending Alabama against the twin horrors of lovers marrying each other and women achieving orgasm (if such a thing actually exists) was bound to bring him into their sights.

Now, it appears they are also going after you by loudly wondering why you were promoted so quickly, why you make so much more than the average state worker, and why you have become Attorney General King's constant traveling companion. Combine those questions with the reports that his wife caught him passionately caucusing with another man, and you have a huge public relations challenge.

I think it's time you fought back. The best way to do so is to hold a news conference and explain to the press exactly what you do for AG King. Tell them you serve as his purity guard, defending him from homosexunistofascists who might try to have sexual congress with him while he's distracted or asleep.

I'd go into great detail if I were you. Perhaps you hide his manparts from lustful homosexunistofascists by taking them into your mouth or other orifices. Or maybe, you collect his seed so that none of Alabama's tiniest citizens, the spermatazoan-Americans, are accidentally killed during involuntary nocturnal spillage events. If so, explain it to the press. That's the kind of initiative one would expect to be rewarded with rapid advancement and extra pay. The people of Alabama would certainly understand that.

I'd be glad to help in any way I can (with the press conference, I mean).

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

[TomInTib]

1. That had me bending over with laughter. KnR

Godwin, and the boss under whom he loyally serves.

[KharmaTrain]

2. Gotta Love Jesus' General...

Both he and Betty Bowers have long run these fundies in circles...and making for lots of laughs in the process.

I think there should be a "Wide Stance" caucus at the GOOP coven...err convention. Hell, give 'em a slot on the prime time coverage...show how "diverse" the party is. It can't be any worse than inviting blacks to perform to pretend they tolerate the colored folks as well.

:rofl:

[DCKit]

3. They could get the "Singing Senators" back together for a minstral show...

and Kill five birds with one stone.

1) Republic Racism/Cultural Sensitivity
2) Republic Corruption
3) Republic Hipness (or lack thereof)
4) Republic Sexual Hypocrisy
5) Republic Criminal Archetypes

And as a bonus, they'd all be together, with their biggest fans, for the FBI, state and local police "Big Republic Neocon Homelander Round-Up".

I'd pay to see that show.