***DUzy Awards & Announcements for week ending March 9, 2007***

[JeffR]

Welcome to this week's DUzy Awards, honoring jazzy jibes, jumbo jests and joky jeremiads from this week on DU. Congratulations to this week's winners!

The virtually carbon-neutral DUzies will be announced every Friday, if I get around to it. Previous awards can be found in my journal.

Note to Mods: Skinner has authorized the DUzy Awards to be posted in GD.

But first, here are the top 3 finishers from the February DUzy of the Month poll.

DUzy of the Month Winner: shared between IanDB1 & american stranger

2nd place goes to: Lefty Mom

3rd place goes to: Eugene

Sadly, this will be the last DUzy of the Month; I simply can't keep up, and being restricted to only 10 nominees for the monthly voting is a disservice to so many funny posts. Weekly awards will continue to appear every Friday.

Now, this week's winners:

OP by Bornaginhooligan:

      Breaking: President Bush has Walter Reed fired.
Washington, D.C.: Citing the recent scandal over conditions at Walter Reed Hospital, President George W. Bush today ordered the resignation of Army Major Walter Reed. "The idea that this Major could allow so many of our beloved troops to suffer injuritudes is indefensibitle," the President said, "now watch this swing."

Major Reed was not available for comment.

response #2 by babylonsister:

      But he did award the Major a medal prior to his dismissal,
:silly: and then renamed the institution after the former 'beloved' general, Kevin Kiley. :puke:

response #3 by Monkeyman:

      The Follow up to that is Major Reed is the Head Nurse of building 18
She said Mr. President your bed is ready here

response #6 by rzemanfl:

      How did he find time to do this and the same day go on TV
and talk about all them "turnaders" that hit last night. The man is a phernorminin.

GD, March 2, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x327300

On a thread by DeepModem Mom:

      E&P: Bush Lunches at Baquet Family New Orleans Eatery: "If you don't get New Orleans straight..."

response #2 by mcscajun:

      And for dessert "Ninth Ward Invisibility Meringue"
In a light rightwing custard sauce.

It's called "Memory of Floating Island"

response #9 by MGKrebs:

      Damn! Where's a pretzel when you need one.

response #9 by TwoSparkles:

      ...and for dessert....
..."heckuvajob" Brownies.

LBN, March 3, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2754115

On a thread by w8liftinglady:

      sorry,this isn't really LBN-am I the only one who can't post on GD right now?

response #5 by mycritters2:

      It's God's way of protecting you
Just say "thanks" and move on.

response #6 by w8liftinglady:

      lol..thanks-I feel better now...on to Martha Stewart's site.

Special thanks to babylonsister for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

The Lounge (moved from LBN), March 3, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6262668

On a thread by yasmina27:

      Lunch in the White House with George

response #8 by aint_no_life_nowhere:

      Next week he's going to debate the latest theories in quantum mechanics over lunch
Bring your own crayolas and art paper.

Special thanks to NanceGreggs for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, March 4, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x336914

OP by Goat or Panic:

      I'm saddened by the lack of compassion for Ann Coulter
Where is the renowned liberal kindness?
Why are we being so cruel to her?

Clearly the woman is deranged and needs help.

Our help.

For too long the Republican Party has exploited the fragile mental state of Ms. Coulter, allowing her to repeatedly make a fool of herself simply to promote their own agenda. Poor Ann has been dragged around like some sort of circus freak for too long. I say it's time for the cruel exploitation of the skeletal remains of what was once a reasonably attractive woman to come to an end.

That's why I joined PETAC.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Ann Coulter.

It's time for this poor, sad, exploited woman to get the help she so desperately needs.

PETAC has set in motion many other programs to help the used and exploited of the Republican party.
There is a well planned "capture and release" program for Michael Savage. 20 acres in northwest Arkansas have been set aside so that he can spend the rest of his days in peace, free from torment and exploitation.

He'll have a banjo.

I ask that all liberals look into their hearts and donate time and/or money to this fine program.

Together, we can make a difference.

Oh, and by the way..... :sarcasm:

response #3 by alittlelark:

      PETAC sounds like a group with worthy goals....

I'll donate my time - so long as I get a cattle prod to aid in the capture. :rofl:

response #41 by badgerpup:

      ME! ME!
I get to use the trank gun on the take-down! :bounce:

Who's got the butterfly net and the strait jacket?

Are we ready to rock?
:rofl:

edit to add:
There WILL BE a VERY strict spay/neuter policy on the critters released upon this preserve, right?
We don't want them breeding... :scared:
...or worse, the ostensibly female ones going all Jurassic Park on us and reproducing by parthenogenesis... :hide: :yoiks:

response #18 by WillyT:

      I'm Sorry, But I'm A Member Of IPECAC !!!
Intelligent People Encouraging the Crucifying of Ann Coulter

I think our group and yours may have different goals.

:puke: :puke: :puke:

:evilgrin:

response #25 by Goat or Panic:

      "Intelligent People Encouraging the Crucifying of Ann Coulter"
Good luck finding enough meat to drive the nails through.

OMG! That was awful. I should be ashamed. Pardon me, I'm going to go flog myself now.

BTW....Is anyone else amused when you spellcheck your posts and have to click: "Ignore Coulter?"

Other great responses in the thread.

Special thanks to wryter2000 for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, March 4, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x336029

On a thread by Madspirit:

      Ann Coulter's website

response #1 by graywarrior:

      You'll release all the evil there ever was into the world if you go there.
:nuke:

GD, March 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x343079

OP by Bornaginhooligan:

      this is not a thread.
it's about how it's not a thread.

response #8 by AWESOM-O:

      This is not a reply

The Lounge, March 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6268788

On a thread by rodeodance:

      Marigolds make way for marijuana in suburbia

response #2 by Uben:

      Stay away from the stuff
....it'll turn you into a democrat!

GD, March 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x345901

On a thread by VolcanoJen:

      Coulter just canceled her appearance on CNN's "Paula Zahn Now"

response #1 by malaise:

      She forgot there was a
full moon.

GD, March 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x345416

On a thread by progdonkey:

      John Ashcroft caught whoring himself...

response #5 by SalmonChantedEvening:

      Let the Eagle Whore...
:hippie:

GD, March 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x344988

OP by ih8thegop:

      Things you wouldn't say to Ann Coulter!
I'll start with:

"My, you have sweet lips!"

response #1 by HypnoToad:

      Are you happy to see me or did you have trouble swallowing a cricket ball?

The Lounge, March 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6269726

On a thread by babylonsister:

      Tampontification: Easy way to help

response #6 by Mr. Ected:

      It Was Certainly Easier Than Buying Them For My Wife!
Why do I always feel inclined to tell the cashier, "They're not for me"?

response #19 by hootinholler:

      Mini? Maxi? Whole wheat?
The array of choices is staggering to a non-consumer (and I guess even to a consumer) of these products. I always had to have written instructions to get the right box.

response #14 by TomInTib:

      Tamped and rec'd

response #21 by youthere:

      I wonder if they'll be delivered by tampony express?

Special thanks to babylonsister for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, March 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x341477

On a thread by EarlG:

      I have some bad news about the Ann Coulter advertising boycott.....
:sarcasm:

I just received this email in my inbox this morning (and before you ask - yes, it's real, I did not make it up):

Subject: Coulter Advertisers Wanted of DU Spamming of Hate (Coulter)
Date: Mon, 5 Mar 2007 03:29:56 -0800 (PST)
From: Watchdog Monitoring <[e-mail]>

DU: Be warned! Toyota, Yahoo, ING, USATODAY, UNIVERSAL, SallyMae, and all others on your mass email spam of hate campaign have been warned to ignore you.

Your posts have been sent to all on your hit list. A bright light is shining on you and that hate you spew! Shame on you!
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
WARNING about leftist campaign of hate by DEMOCRATICUNDERGROUND. ALL ADVERTISERS are advised to beware of their hatred of Ann Coulter and to ignore them!

The hate-filled, anti-American LEFT (a small portion, if any, of advertising dollars) is at it again.
.......
A hate group Democratic Underground is spamming advertisers because they live to hate anyone who has a different political view.
......
Ann Coulter is on their HIT list because they disagree with her views, or take a comment out of context and spread hate to the media and to advertisers.
.......
Democraticunderground.com is being closely monitored after finding out about the spam of hate...

... DU recently supported Chavez, Iran, andother enmeies of our country.

See here. wow, is the fBI monitoring them?

The real enemy within is organized to send organized letters of hate and be warned that watchdog groups and lawyers are closely monitoring them every day.

All advertisers have been warned to Ignore the leftist hatred by the hate-filled democraticundergorund.com!

Go Anne Coulter! America knows better and fully supports you!

God Bless and shame on the anti-American democratic underground for their mass spamming. Advertisers have been warned.

response #26 by johnnie:

      I would have thought that Coulter has a better command of the english language
When she wrote this email, she must have been half in the bag.

response #30 by Deep13:

      "DU recently supported Chavez, Iran, andother enmeies of our country."
How have we 'supported' them? Fundraisers? Have we supplied them with essential materials? Have we given them nuclear secrets?

response #37 by peekaloo:

      I must admit I held a bake sale last week for the other "enmeies".
No one touched my fawaffles. :-(

response #154 by SalmonChantedEvening:

      Monitor me? A bit of advice in advance.
Stock up on the No-Doz, this is gonna be Dull Central.

:rofl:

:evilgrin:

response #154 by Nevernose:

      LOL, I was thinking the same thing:
And -- not to get into a sidetrack/rant here -- I actually HAVE been monitored before by a wiretap (a combination of a criminal informant, mistaken identity, and stupidity).

I can picture the FBI log:
Suspect woke at ~5 am. Hit snooze button three times.

Suspect went into garage carrying full laundry basket at ~5:30. Using high-tech audio-acquisition gear, suspect was observed to have been cursing under his breath. Negative comments about temperature, lighting, dirty clothes, inherent laziness, and stubbed toe were made.

Suspect began scratching own testicles at ~6am. Scratched own testicles approximately 658 more times throughout the day, though warrant-obtained medical reports indicate subject is overall in good health -- psychosomatic tendency towards testicle scratching necessity?

Suspect logged into bank account information at 6:11am, prompting more obscene language from suspect. Threatened actual physical violence toward student loan company. Is suspect suffering from anger issues/impulse control?

Suspect woke child at 6:20, 6:23, 6:24, 6:27, and again at 6:30. Suspect once again used threats of physical violence.

Suspect found and disposed of chihuahua feces at 6:25, 6:37, and 6:48. Threatened animal cruelty towards chihuahua. Could threatening violence towards behaviorally-challenged chihuahua be more proof of anger issues/impulse control?

Suspect scratched neck of chihuahua from 6:49 until 6:56, kissed chihuahua on lips, then departed with child. Was overheard as saying, "Well of COURSE I love the dog more than you! He may shit on the rug sometimes, but at least he wakes up when he's told to and he's never ONCE asked me for an iPod!"

Monitor away, guys.

Dozens of other great responses on the thread.

Special thanks to wryter2000 for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, March 5, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x340867

On a thread by Squatch:

      Girls suspended for the use of the word "Vagina"

response #2 by Kelly Rupert:

      I applaud the school.
If girls start saying the word "Vagina," it won't be long before they start developing them.

response #8 by unpossibles:

      Who's Afraid of Vagina, Wolf?
If I got in trouble, I probably would have replied, "would you prefer I said 'pussy'?"

In case you can't tell I was always in trouble growing up.

unnumbered response by proud2Blib:

      And I call it a coulter

response #24 by IanDB1:

      They were supposed to say "hoo-hoo" or "The Dark Pit Of Evil That Caused The Fall From Grace." n/t

Plenty of other great responses on the thread.

Special thanks to babylonsister for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, March 6, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x351454

On a thread by NYCGirl:

      David Gergen: "This is an administration that has been mostly free of scandal..."

response #1 by Old Crusoe:

      Not only that, but there are hardly any soybean fields in Illinois.
That David Gergen sure is on top of things, ain't he?

GD, March 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x362756

On a thread by CatWoman:

      You can't make this shit up, folks
John Gibson Hypes A ‘War on Easter’, Announces Easter Bunny Under Attack...

response #3 by Bicoastal:

      Protect the eggs! Protect the eggs!
And someone get that bunny into an undisclosed location!

:crazy:

response #4 by bryant69:

      If we are going to declare war on a holiday, why can't it be Valentines day?
Every year that holiday comes around and makes me feel like shit - Easter never did anything to me.

Well, I will admit I let Easter crash on my couch one night and I think she stole a Blur CD of mine. I haven't been able to find it anyway.

response #67 by A HERETIC I AM:

      The book of Fertilus, Chapter 7, Verses 69 - 72
Fert. 7:69 And Jeheboath and Ishmael and Amalike and Snotneezer, he who smells of the stable, made their way to the mount. And lo' as it came to pass, the mount was covered in a sweet, brown substance like that unto an oozing.
Vs. 70 Jeheboath saith "Ahh, the mount of chocolate hath an odor that is pleasant unto thy nostrils, as long as I am upwind of Snotneeezer. And Snotneezer, he who smells of the stable saith "I don't smell a damned thing."
Vs 71 Ishmael looketh upon the mound and saith "Hark! There appears tracks of a small animal who i suppose might taste quite delightful with a white wine sauce and who, when cooked, would maketh a fragrance pleasurable unto the lord"
Vs 72 Amalike, the observant, after moving upwind of Snotneezer, saith "Observe!, it is a bunny who doth maketh the tracks. Let us implore him to hop into our cook-pot. He is covered in this pleasant brown oozing." The bunny turned to the four travelers and saith "Fucketh off! This is my warren, you homeless, ugly, smelly vagabonds!"

GD, March 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x370948

On a thread by soothsayer:

      Suspicious Package on White House Grounds Under Investigation

response #4 by Solly Mack:

      Did it say Libby on the label?

response #11 by Kare:

      A copy of the Constitution
Thats why they couldn't figure out what it was.

LBN, March 8, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2759430

On a thread by donheld:

      ‘Mrs. Grumpy Lady’ hits student with viola bow

response #4 by tonkatoy57:

      And the problem is?
This woman is obviously a professional violist, albeit an old grumpy frustrated violinist sitting in the back of the section.

The lesson here is never to have professional performers involved in music education. It's a dangerous mix trying to maintain professional standards in the midst of students who don't practice and don't know which end of the viola to hold.

I guess my old youth orchestra conductor who threw a copy of the score to Brahm's Symphony #3 at me during rehearsal and called me a, "fucking, no talent idiot" wouldn't last too long at this school.

In all seriousness, Ms. Grumpy should get a grip. There are more subtle ways to demoralize young students.

response #18 by Strawman:

      "The Substitute 3." I can see it now...
Playground becomes battleground as DEA agent Carla Shinners (aka "The Bow") goes under deep cover as a 63 year old music teacher to take out a drug kingpin in cahoots with an elementary school principal. R, Adult Language, Graphic Viola Violence.

Special thanks to Buzz Clik for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, March 9, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x375455

On a thread by katmondoo:

      Bush's accent seems to have changed

response #5 by melody:

      Maybe his voice finally broke n/t

response #13 by Javaman:

      I didn't know slurred was an accent? nt

GDP, March 9, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3152964

On a thread by paagal kutta:

      Mayans to 'purify' sacred site after Bush visit

response #7 by TygrBright:

      It's nice of them to purify it. I'd just salt the ground and abandon it. n/t

Special thanks to babylonsister for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, March 9, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x374451

On a thread by tocqueville:

      Priests to purify site after Bush visit

response #5 by Hubert Flottz:

      Maybe our government needs to give those Mayan priests a no
bid contract and let them follow Air Force One all over the unfriendly skies!

Special thanks to babylonsister for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, March 9, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x375109

On a thread by ck4829:

      If the 'christian' Right formed their own party
What would they call it?

response #1 by Bluebear:

      The Republican Party? nt

response #2 by Atman:

      The Christian Wrong.
nt

response #8 by EstimatedProphet:

      The Inquisition

Special thanks to NanceGreggs for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, March 9, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x378525

[saltpoint]

1. Thanks, JeffR. You get our weekends off to a great start.

[JeffR]

2. Thanks, OC. It was murder getting them together this week

But I get by with a little help from my friends.

[ScreamingMeemie]

3. I'd reply to this but I'm off to sue the 5th Grade class of Creekside

Elementary for slander. :hi:

[JeffR]

6. Take a viola bow, just in case there's trouble!

:hi:

[jannyk]

4. The last one?? Noooooo!! Tell me it ain't so!! sob k&r

[JeffR]

8. Just the last DUzy of the Month

Weekly awards will continue, until I run out of brain cells.:crazy:

[mainegreen]

5. k'n'r

[graywarrior]

7. Last one!? Damn, I look forward to these.

:hurts:

[JeffR]

9. Rest easy, grasshopper

See post 8.

The monthlies are just killing me, as Aunt Getrude used to say...

[graywarrior]

13. Ahhhh sooooo, mahsta Po.

[annabanana]

14. Good Stuff, Jeff, boy. . . Good Stuff!. . . . . . .eom

[NanceGreggs]

10. How is it possible ...

... that I spend as much time on DU as I do, and STILL MANAGE TO MISS SOME OF THESE GEMS?

:rofl:

[TomInTib]

17. Heck this is the first time I have seen this.

This stuff is brilliant.

[JeffR]

19. Whaaaa? This is your second award

Sheesh.

[TomInTib]

26. Well, I'll be danged. nt

[CrazyOrangeCat]

20. We were in . . . I think it was last week's DUzy's!!!

Go look at his journal for some big laffs!

[hwmnbn]

29. Hey Nance, ......

There have been 28,247,489 posts on DU. A few are bound to evade you.

Plus, if you didn't write so much great stuff, you might have time to be more vigilant.






I know this is OT, but I just wanted to ambush you with my admiration. :loveya:

[NanceGreggs]

37. Fortunately, I've had more than my fair share of compliments ...

... but being "ambused by someone's admiration" is by far the most prized of them all.

Thank you.


:blush:

[HeeBGBz]

11. I will be sorry to see these go

Its one of my new favorite things on DU. I love the humor. Thanks!

[JeffR]

15. see post #8

The Second Amendment guarantees the right to bear DUzies.

[HeeBGBz]

18. Yippee!

I was already in withdrawal.

[Greyskye]

12. 1st time I'd seen this

Great stuff; awesome effort putting it all together. Thanks!

:kick: & R

[JeffR]

16. You can find previous weeks' awards in my journal

:)

[alittlelark]

21. I got a DUzy!!! I'm so proud!

Thanks for taking the time to compile and post the DUzy Awards. It's a great start to the weekend!:thumbsup:

[JeffR]

23. You wear it well, alittlelark, you wear it well.

[monmouth]

22. I really look forward to these, many thanks....

[hootinholler]

24. There should be a duzy link

Like recommend, but for any post. Then you could just run a search, the funny ones would rise.

-Hoot

[alittlelark]

32. That is a great idea!

You should PM the Admins.

[solara]

25. These are all great...my spirits are lifted and I am once again

inspired by the wit and intelligence I find here on DU Thanks for doing this

:hi:

[Kurovski]

27. It's Friday on DU!

A time for Cricket balls, disappearing Marigolds and suppression of the vagina.

K&R.

[Robbien]

28. This is such a great idea

and a great thread. Thanks Jeff.

These are times that laughter is so very much needed and DUers are a great and very clever bunch.

[Buzz Clik]

40. Totally agree.

DU is so busy, it's easy to miss really important (and hilarious) threads.

JeffR is da man.

[Hubert Flottz]

30. The Mayan priests haven't gotten such a workout since the

Conquistadors came to town. Preemptive Hernando Cortez didn't have nothing on Brother Dumbya. We could use a few hundred imported Mayan priests in Washington, to do the work(oversight/purification)that the American repub congresscritters have refused to do for the past seven years.

[Kurovski]

31. Something else that is useful in displacing evil spirits...

impeachment! :evilgrin:

[brer cat]

33. Thank you so much, Jeff.

I need the lift on Fridays!

[badgerpup]

34. YAAAAY!!!

:woohoo:I made the DUzys! :headbang: :bounce::toast: :grouphug:

(They don't call me 'Poker Face' for nothin'....)


Thanks for putting them together, Jeff! DUzy Awards make Fridays even better! :yourock:



:kick:

[Garbo 2004]

35. Thanks so much for compiling these. Much appreciated! n/t

[SalmonChantedEvening]

36. Two DUzy's in one week? WOW!

Thank you JeffR for the thread and the awards :)

:hi: :pals: :smoke:

[snowbear]

38. Very cool ..

I spoze I have to drop into the DU section a little more if I ever want to make it up there, huh?

We don't get DUzy's of the Month over @ DU-Political..

~~ They are FUN!

[Buzz Clik]

39. Great work, as usual.

They were supposed to say "hoo-hoo" or "The Dark Pit Of Evil That Caused The Fall From Grace."

LOL!

[Solly Mack]

41. Opps. I DUzy'ed again

[mcscajun]

42. Thanks for the DUzy!

:)