Vampire candidate pledges to impale Bush if elected, gets himself investigated instead

[BurtWorm]

I report, you decide. :patriot:

http://www.columbiachronicle.com/paper/arts.php?id=3525

Secret Service investigates santanic vampire

2008 presidential candidate questioned about Bush threats
Hunter Clauss & Allison RiggioPrint

The Chronicle

Courtesy Jonathon Sharkey

The 2008 presidential bid just got a little more challenging for the race’s only satanic vampire candidate.

Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey, a 42-year-old New Jersey man who is running under the Vampire, Witches and Pagan Party, is currently being investigated by the Secret Service for potential threats toward President George W. Bush.

According to Sharkey, Secret Service agents visited him and his 19-year-old wife, Spree, in Ohio on Feb. 15. The visit concerned Sharkey’s repeated remarks about impaling Bush, an act Sharkey said he would only do if he were elected president.

“They never even asked to see my impaling stick,” Sharkey said.

Under U.S. law, threatening the president is a felony that carries a five-year prison sentence. On average, the Secret Service develops investigations about nine out of 10 times they receive threatening information, said Secret Service spokesman Darrin Blackford. Such investigations usually involve an interview with the person in question, and sometimes with parents and local officials to determine the severity of the person’s threat.

“They were telling me, when they were interrogating me, that their job was to protect Bush even after he’s out of office,” Sharkey said. “I’m looking at them like, ‘Oh, you’re going to defy me when I become president?’”

...

[Mrspeeker]

1. LOL

I might actually vote for him, we need a change a direction :)

[keithjx]

2. I thought his name was

Future President? Or Principal? Or something like that.... Hmmm..

KJ

[Buzz Clik]

3. Going to impale Bush? Interesting plank of the platform.

Personally, I'd prefer something more subtle.

[Nikki Stone1]

4. What the hell is New Jersey's water these days?

Sharkey the Impaler? Good Lord!

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

5. Hey, it happened in Ohio. Blame it on Ohio water.

[madmom]

23. yeah Ohio water really sucks, I know I always buy bottled!!!

[Clark2008]

36. And his wife is 19 - sounds more like a Mormon.

:hide: from the blatant use of a stereotype, which I don't normally condone.

[Sequoia]

6. "Shouldn’t he want to bite the president and feed on him?

, I suppose, is perhaps further rvidence that this is not a true threat.”

Funny news today.

[Demeter]

8. Ewww! NO WAY Anyone's Gonna Drink Bush's Blood!

You wanna become a Fascist?

[Clark2008]

37. Or a drunk...

[Lasher]

7. “They never even asked to see my impaling stick”

There are so many dimensions to stupid.

[Richard Steele]

30. That's what caught my eye as well. Poor guy sounds so disappointed.... nm

[Lasher]

34. What a total weenie!

With some people 'loser' is way too mild.

[Gato Moteado]

9. this guy ran in 2004 on the same platform

they're just getting around to investigating him now?

[LiberalEsto]

10. Most pagans & witches

believe that impaling - no matter how tempting - will result in extreme karmic damage to the impaler. To say nothing of the damage to the impalee. So most of us refrain from the practice.

:evilgrin:

[shadowknows69]

18. Most of us?

<Shudder> Do you know the name of the coven so I don't join it?

[ieoeja]

25. I've impaled a few witches in my day.

:evilgrin:

Oh! You meant something different, didn't you?

[Solo_in_MD]

26. You impale vampires, you burn witches...

[Richard Steele]

29. Didn't even muss your hair, did it?

I kid, I kid- someone "got me" with that same lame pun awhile back!

Think about it....

[Solo_in_MD]

33. I got the joke...I just didn't do the smileys...

I could also point out that witches were also drowned.

[atommom]

31. I think this is a special case.

P.S. Hi, Agent Mike! :hi:

[shadowknows69]

11. He is threatening him in the future tense

after he's no longer in office. IMO it should be no more serious than threatening any private individual, even though that is very very bad to do. Also if he really is a Vampire than he's really only acting according to his evil, immortal nature so that should be taken into account in any sentencing.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

12. Now, wait a minute...

If he's actually proposing pushing and signing legislation to have Bush executed by impalement, isn't that perfectly legal? Like every time somebody says they hope so and so, Jeffery Dahmer or Carla Faye Tucker, gets the death penalty?

[shadowknows69]

14. Bush would have impaled people while he was governor

if he could have, I'm sure of it.

[NoPasaran]

24. I'm pretty sure that impaling was one of the things

I'm pretty sure that impaling was one of the things the Founding Fathers had in mind when they prohibited "cruel and unusual punishments".

[shadowknows69]

13. WHy did this guy have to put the word pagan and witch

in his cuckoo little party though? Like we don't have enough freaking misconceptions about us.

[IDemo]

15. What makes a vampire "santanic"

Does he play "Evil Ways" on the iPod when he makes his nightly rounds?

[shadowknows69]

17. Hey, Santana isn't evil

Carlos is a laid back, shroom doing, guitar playin, brother of the light man. Dig?

[IDemo]

19. shroom doing?

Now we know yer speaking from personal experience! B-)

[shadowknows69]

20. He has admitted such in interviews

as recently as 5 years ago IIRC. Plus, look at his eyes (when they're open) in the Woodstock movie. Shrooms, Acid, Mescaline? Been there, done that, saw the concert, bought the t-shirt. Journeys that had to be taken to get me to now. B-)

[ComerPerro]

16. LMAO, "‘Oh, you’re going to defy me when I become president?’”"

[geomon666]

21. Hey if he's guaranteeing this....

I might have to reconsider my vote. :)

[FyurFly]

22. Witches and Vampires.....lol

Time to step away from the D&D game and Anne Rice Books :rofl:

[goodhue]

27. that rocks

[lonestarnot]

28. OMG

:rofl:

[porphyrian]

32. Impaling is sooo 15th century...

And this dude hangs out with people who call themselves "Likens" and think they're werewolves? Is that supposed to be a play on the Underworld movies or the word lycanthrope or what? Someone's been playing too much live action White Wolf shit.

[Nikki Stone1]

35. Did anyone figure out if this was just satire?

?