***DUzy Awards for week ending March 16, 2007***

[JeffR]

Welcome to this week's DUzy Awards, honoring lovely lampoons, laconic looniness and leftist laughs from this week on DU. Congratulations to this week's winners!

The 100% Khalid Sheikh Mohammed-free DUzies will be announced every Friday, if I get around to it. Previous awards can be found in my journal.

Note to Mods: Skinner has authorized the DUzy Awards to be posted in GD.

This one's a little late, but better late than never.
On a thread by MadAsHellNewYorker:

      Are you offended by gay republicans?

response #18 by KzooDem:

      Offended? Nah. I just wonder how anyone can be that STUPID.
These poor hangers on waiting for the Republicans to accept and embrace them into the party are akin to trying to find an all-beef patty in Mumbai...it ain't gonna happen!

Special thanks to ncrainbowgrrl for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GLBT, March 7, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=221x49453

On a thread by madrchsod:

      so what`s fox going to put in place of the debates? any idea?

response #1 by chimpsrsmarter:

      "Do democrats cause cancer?" a Faux news special report.

response #12 by countmyvote4real:

      It will either be an Anna Nichole Smith retrospective OR
an expose on how the previous Democrat(ic) minority convinced the troops to NOT support themselves and get blown up. Then again, the War on Easter is heating up. I'm sure that will have some legs, although I doubt we'll ever see any coverage of the War on Mardi Gras.

response #13 by BayCityProgressive:

      Hillary CLinton
is the lesbian mother of Anna Nicole's baby because CLinton's penis made her do it.

GD, March 9, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x381513

On a thread by YEBBA:

      WHAT WILL I DO WHEN MY COMPUTER, ETC ADDS ANOTHER HOUR ON REGULAR LEAPFORWARD DAY?

response #4 by Beetwasher:

      I'M NOT SURE BUT I'LL BET FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT WOULD HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I SUGGEST HEAVY AMOUNTS OF PSYCHADELIC DRUGS, A QUART OF ETHER AND ABSYNTHE AND A JUMBO SIZED JAR OF VASELINE. THEN TAKE A HAMMER TO IT.

response #7 by slowry:

      YOU HAVE TO TYPE HARDER IMO n/t

response #12 by elfin:

      Better buy a new computer
that will have everything right for about a year. If the same thing happens again - buy another new one.

The advisors on this board are asking you to tempt fate and a blown hard drive - possibly an explosion of some sort.

response #13 by Codeine:

      YOU'RE COMPLETELY FUCKED!
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO GO EVERYWHERE AN HOUR EARLY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

response #21 by TahitiNut:

      Simple. Put it in your car and drive it to Arizona.
:silly:

response #35 by AWESOM-O:

      Your computer will disappear for an hour
as it leaps forward in time. Also, the date will read 1900.

Scads of other great responses in the thread.

Special thanks to Robbien for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

The Lounge (moved from GD), March 10, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6289217

OP by babylonsister:

      Upset Over Cancelled Fox Debate, Kondracke Attacks ‘Left-Wing Liberals’ As 'Junior-Grade Stalinists'
"Stalinists-R-Us!" :silly: I salute you!

response #1 by Old Crusoe:

      Oooo Mort. We love it when you talk dirty.

response #17 by Larry Allen:

      I guess we'll have to become post doctorate Pravda grade Stalinists to win their respect.

GDP, March 11, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3156017

On a thread by babylonsister:

      HILL: I'M THE JFK OF 2008-VOWS TO BEAT ODDS
"March 11, 2007 -- NASHUA, N.H. - Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton invoked the campaign of the nation's lone Catholic president, John Kennedy, last night as she talked about her challenge in becoming the first female commander-in-chief..."

response #6 by MannyGoldstein:

      "There are those that look at things...
...the way they are, and ask why?

I dream of things that never were, and ask what's the safest position? What do the polls say? How can I get some shekels from it?"

GDP, March 11, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3156325

On a thread by swag:

      I am posting on the Internet!

response #2 by asthmaticeog:

      Care to back that up with some evidence, bub?

response #15 by primate1:

      What the fuck is the internet?

response #18 by swag:

      Maybe they don't have that in your area.

The Lounge, March 11, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6293182

On a thread by LynneSin:

      I know this will upset many of you here at DU: Rita Cosby fired from MSNBC

response #20 by shain from kane:

      The Hoarse Whisperer.

response #60 by SalmonChantedEvening:

      I'm so broken up I could just Bray. n/t

response #72 by EmperorHasNoClothes:

      I hear she's going on to work for the Cheese Grater and Tobacco consortium
Someone get that woman a lozenge.

response #73 by Kurovski:

      Foghorn Leghorn's hatchling
left scratching and pecking in the barnyard to "explore the new opportunities".

There's always KFC, Rita.

Special thanks to Kurovski for the heads-up on this one. And no, he wasn't lobbying for his own response to be included!:patriot:

GD, March 12, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x394938

On a thread by sinkingfeeling:

      NBC: Ex-President Bush hospitalized overnight for dehydration, released. - MSNBC.com

response #49 by MonkeyFunk:

      Last night was his annual
tryst with Babs.

That old sack of ashes just sucked all the moisture out of him.

Fun fact: they use little pieces of her in those little dessicant packets. Also, a little bit of babs in your rice jar will keep it fresh for years.

LBN, March 12, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2764379

On a thread by TomInTib:

      Bush dining thru Latin America
"At every stop on his seven-day, five-country Latin American trip, including here on Tuesday, President Bush has been fixated on food..."

response #1 by Xipe Totec:

      For God's sake, mr. president
do us all a favor and,

DRINK THE WATER!

GD, March 13, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x405210

On a thread by CatWoman:

      Ok, I know this is petty, but something about Gonzalez' head bothers me

response #7 by Poiuyt:

      There's something about his head that bothers me too
The fact that it's filled with millions of tiny evil demons

GD, March 13, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x404657

On a thread by Stephanie:

      What Could George Bush Have Possibly Learned at the Mayan Ruins Today? ---pix--->>>

response #3 by aint_no_life_nowhere:

      Calderon: "Mr. President , these ancient buildings are all Mayan"
Bush: "Well, if they're all your'n then I guess you can afford to let 'em go to pot like this without paintin' 'em. What's fer lunch?"

Special thanks to MsKandice01 for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, March 14, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x407385

OP by NNN0LHI:

      What became of the southern accent Gonzales used to have?
He used to sound like Elmer Fudd with a drawl very recently as I remember. Does he lose the Texas drawl when he gets scared?

response #1 by TerdlowSmedley:

      Bush asked for it back. Needed it for a fundraiser in Houston.

response #8 by shain from kane:

      He loaned it to Hillary.

GD, March 14, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x408535

On a thread by El Supremo:

      What the hell is * doing here?
(pic of the Dictator-Tot in Latin America, carrying a box of lettuce)

response #12 by kirby:

      Helping Haliburton move to Dubai
Bush is helping Haliburton move to Dubai. In this photo, he is seen loading taxpayer money onto the plane.

response #16 by gratuitous:

      Showing off the heads of the fired U.S. Attorneys?
You know, some kind of totemic display of talismanic fetishes?

Special thanks to babylonsister for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, March 14, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x410542

OP by Rabrrrrrr:

      I don't care what you say, I still think the Republicans aren't to be trusted.
There's just.... something ..... that seems not quite above board about them. I don't know what.... but I have a sixth sense about these things, and I'm getting a little tingle that they might not be quite on the up and up.

I know most of you will disagree, but I'm really concerned that after Clinton's perjury, there was an impeachment, and yet no impeachment has happened yet for this president. Not to say he should be - but, I don't know... something's not quite right here.

I also have this nagging sense there is some kind of... I don't know, dichotomy is maybe the word... between the flack that Hillary took when she fired the travel department and the lack of concern over the firing of all the attorneys. Now, I'm not saying that this is worth the concern that Hillary's shenanigans warranted, but it seems... I don't know, not quite.... consistent I guess is the word.

Flame me if you want, but I, for one, am gonna start watching the Republicans. I don't think they're quite... you know, putting all their cards on the table.

response #3 by ohiosmith:

      Fucking Hippie.

response #18 by unpossibles:

      well, they are trying to fix all of the HUGH mistakes the Democrats have made
over the centuries, but something always happens to foil them, like when that Obama guy blew up the trade centers (with Saddam's help of course), and then when they fooled everyone into thinking the world was getting hot. I mean, come on! It snowed a couple of weeks ago! Where was the global worming then?

I tell you what!

They're really just trying to protect us from all the problems freedom creates for people.

response #20 by Vash the Stampede:

      Why don't you just go join Al Qaeda?
You seem to love them so much, why don't you go and marry them?

The Lounge, March 14, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6305294

On a thread by Kber:

      Regarding Gonzales's ever more likely successor

response #5 by The_Casual_Observer:

      Judge Judy?
Judge Reinhold?

response #15 by Rageneau:

      When does Bob Ney get out of jail?

Special thanks to babylonsister for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, March 15, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x417078

On a thread by The Straight Story:

      Church school renames Three Little Pigs to avoid offending Muslims

response #7 by Buzz Clik:

      ... silliness to the extreme
If the story had been about a Muslim cleric who was chasing the pigs to eat them, then changing the story line might make sense. But a wolf? Wolves eat pigs, even if Muslims don't.

Perhaps, in deference to vegans, they could redraft the story and name it, "The Three Little Heads of Lettuce" in which a hungry vegetarian chases the potential salads. He eventually climbs down the chimney of the brick house and falls to his death into a cauldron of Ranch Dressing (lo-fat, of course).

response #18 by NYCGirl:

      I think you have a hit on your hands! NT

response #25 by Buzz Clik:

      A musical?

response #30 by NYCGirl:

      Oh, absolutely! LOL! NT

response #35 by Buzz Clik:

      The opening number: taunting The Vegan:

response #28 by AngryAmish:

      A vegan would be too weak to blow down a straw house
They get winded sitting upright.

response #31 by NYCGirl:

      How about they could run over it in a Saab? Throw Birkenstocks at it? NT

response #34 by AngryAmish:

      Throw a hemp blanket over the lettuce maybe?

GD, March 15, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x417700

On a thread by babylonsister:

      A bad day for Jean Schmidt.
"Today on the Hill, Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-OH) was seen making a spectacle of herself when the unlucky lawmaker slipped and fell in what we’re told was vomit..."

response #5 by shain from kane:

      She makes me puke every time that I see her on TV. The couch is getting pretty messy.

response #6 by Fridays Child:

      Is a good day for all decent Americans.
Oops, I thought this was a "complete this sentence" exercise. Sorry.

:blush:

response #10 by Czolgosz:

      She's still pissed off from when a house fell on her sister.

Special thanks to babylonsister for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GDP, March 15, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3163955

On a thread by CottonBear:

      Cowards slip and fall on vomit, real representatives never do.

response #1 by Bornaginhooligan:

      That's too bad.
I feel sorry for the vomit getting Schmidt all over itself.

The Lounge, March 16, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6312943

OP by brentblack:

      Bill Richardson is Kind
Richardson has stated that he will support legalizing marijuana for medical use.

Man just got my vote. I am not a one issue person, but on this issue I am passionate.

I advocate personal as well as medical use.


Wait.....what was I talking about?....damn I'm hungry

Special thanks to babylonsister for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

Drug Policy, March 16, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=218x2366

OP by marmar:

      PLEASE GIVE TO THE VICTORIA TOENSING ASS REPLACEMENT FUND...
Her original ass has been torn off.

response #26 by ProgressiveFool:

      She should be OK...
I believe the original ass was handed to her after all.

Special thanks to NanceGreggs for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, March 16, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x428095

On a thread by Skidmore:

      You wanna bet that they've had to sedate Little Boots this afternoon?

response #6 by cassiepriam:

      They just give him a bottle of Jack. He doesn't feel a thing.
Til tomorrow morning.

response #8 by tanyev:

      Sedation Accomplished.

GD, March 16, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x430075

On a thread by Alexander:

      Did Chris Dodd sexually assault a waitress? What's this I'm reading?

unnumbered response by RedStateShame:

      That's impossible!! The press isn't supposed to mention Chris Dodd!!

GD, March 16, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x430263

On a thread by KalicoKitty:

      How old is Victoria Toensing?

response #4 by ginbarn:

      She sleeps in the earth from the old country
so she could be hundreds of years old, I think.

response #13 by SusanaMontana41:

      Older than Strom Thurmond,
who was older than most trees.

GD, March 16, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x430286

[crispini]

1. K&R!

[NanceGreggs]

2. Oh.My.God.

Can't.Catch.Breath.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[saltpoint]

3. After yet another week after yet another of Bush officials lying through

their teeth, it's an awfully good way to wrap up a Friday.

Thanks, JeffR.

[jannyk]

4. Yay! I loves me some Duzy's!

[CrazyOrangeCat]

5. K&R

"Foghorn Leghorn's hatchling . . ." :rofl:

[Buzz Clik]

19. I agree. That was unbelievable.

[Kurovski]

36. No "farplace" tools in this one, cousin Cat.

Dang!

[CrazyOrangeCat]

38. True, but I've got those two threads we hijacked . . .

bookmarked FOREVER . . . so's I kin show th' kinfolk, next time they's over here t' th' holler . . .

[CrazyOrangeCat]

39. go to my . . .

. . . profile.

I done immortalized my lovestruck kin . . .



You an' miss Jean wil be so happy.

Holler if'n you need another Kelvinator for th' front porch. I kin have it painted to match her fancy Murkin dress.

[Kurovski]

41. You're now officially scarier than Jean Schmidt !

:D I do so luv a red, whyte an bloo fridgadator!

Blood is thicker than the stuff Jean slipped in, Cousin Cat.

[CrazyOrangeCat]

42. 'deed it is, cuz . . .

:beer: :puke:

[Hubert Flottz]

6. Those are some good ones!

ROTF!

[ebayfool]

7. Rec'd & marking so I can come back later to kick & snerk some more!

My fav TGIF guy - gives friday an extra blast-off, the DUzys do!

Are you getting tired of being begged 'Do it again ... more ... MORE!'?

[JeffR]

10. The begging makes it all worthwhile

;-)

[MethuenProgressive]

8. "Do democrats cause cancer?"

so what`s fox going to put in place of the debates? any idea?

response #1 by chimpsrsmarter:

"Do democrats cause cancer?" a Faux news special report.

---------------
I think that's on tonight! :kick:

[wryter2000]

9. Oh, god

We need an aching sides smilie. "Sedation Accomplished." "Still pissed that a house fell on her sister."

:rofl:

[northofdenali]

11. Jeff, I can't express enough appreciation for the DUzy awards.

Absolutely priceless and shows the high intelligence and biting wit of my fellow DU'ers! :rofl:

Thank you :yourock:

[Robbien]

12. "In this photo, he is seen loading taxpayer money onto the plane."

Can't stop the laughin.

Thanks JeffR

[NV Whino]

13. These are the DUzyest yet

You make my (Fri)day!

[redwitch]

14. Thyank you JeffR I love the duzy awards!

I feel like I spend a great deal of time here but then I read these and know I don't spend nearly enough!

[Spazito]

15. All your DUzy threads are great but....

this one tops them all so far! I was laughing so hard I thought I might "Schmidt" right here in my computer room!

Thanks for doing this each week, it is MUCH appreciated!

:rofl:

[babylonsister]

29. And a new verb is born!

;)

[InternalDialogue]

16. A toast to JeffR!

Again, the best way to kick off the weekend!

:toast:

[Lugnut]

28. I'm thrilled to second that toast

:toast: Thank you so very much JeffR.

[EstimatedProphet]

17. It's a good crop this week!

[Sabriel]

18. Thanks for compiling!

I haven't laughed like that since the Bush/Mohammed Photoshop thread.

[helderheid]

20. I am posting on the Internet!

I am posting on the Internet!

response #2 by asthmaticeog:

Care to back that up with some evidence, bub?

response #15 by primate1:

What the fuck is the internet?

response #18 by swag:

Maybe they don't have that in your area.

:rofl: I'm crying, these are GREAT!

[Danascot]

21. Great stuff!

The DUzy Awards are fast becoming one of the can't miss highlights of my week. Thanks JeffR!

[SalmonChantedEvening]

22. Yabba-Dabba DUzy!! Great job as always JeffR

:yourock:

[live love laugh]

23. "She's still pissed off from when a house fell on her sister." ROFLOL. nt

[orleans]

24. i love reading these award threads! thanks for putting them together!

i'm giving you a k&r!

[frogcycle]

25. damn

this was my first time. you should have been more gentle! i think I busted a gut

#1: "I feel sorry for the vomit getting Schmidt all over itself."
#2: "Wait.....what was I talking about?....damn I'm hungry"

[Buzz Clik]

26. A slight error: one of the DUzies was actually serious.

Alberto Gonzales's head really is filled with millions of tiny evil demons, and that bothers a lot of us.

=============================

Another great edition, Jeffy. This is the kind of stuff you find in books -- usually on the sink next to the commode, but in a book, nonetheless.

[JeffR]

27. No error

The best comedy is deeply rooted in the truth.

Now I have to make a pitstop on the way to bed. And damn, a book of DUzies next to the commode would be perfect...

[lildreamer316]

31. A BOOK!!

Wonderful idea..........especially at fundraising time.
Shall we possibly pursue this idea at some point?

[JeffR]

33. I remember a little paperback years ago

called "The Tao of Poo". Maybe the time has come for "The Tao of DU".

[ebayfool]

35. Now that's an excellent idea (the bot might insist on his pic being included, though)!

And kicking for Saturday Snerking!

[babylonsister]

30. Great stuff, JeffR! Thanks so much, and thanks to DUers and their wit! nt

[DeeDeeNY]

32. Duers are one talented bunch!

It's hard not to laugh out loud. Thank you for putting this together each week. Some of these are really priceless.

[SallyMander]

34. Hilarious!

Thanks for compiling these JeffR... they always make my day. :-)

[Kurovski]

37. "That old sack of ashes just sucked all the moisture out of him."

:thumbsup: :D

We may be mean, but we haven't started an illegal war yet.

[ebayfool]

40. Sunday mornin' kickage ...

Laughter is one of the best 'sermons'!

[CrazyOrangeCat]

43. Indeed . . . kick.

:kick: