Mark Morford: "Who Will Kill the Evil Germs?"

[FourScore]

"...Here is a new study, from the University of Florida. It proves that you can indeed kill almost every hint of bacteria on your average rancid germ-filled household sponge by simply nuking it for two full minutes -- which will, if you try it, turn your sponge into a smoking smoldering extraterrestrial WMD device you cannot touch for about an hour lest you scald your fingertips and wonder what the hell a basic household sponge is made of that it doesn't actually catch fire or liquefy after two minutes in a microwave. But hey, at least everything's dead.

This is, of course, good news indeed, given how sponges are apparently astonishing factories for bacteria and the kitchen sinks they often hang around in are reportedly the absolute best (read: warm and wet, and not in the good way) places for germs to fester and breed and given how lots of people get sick every year from (apparently) licking the sink and given how we have very much become, after all, a quivering, twitching, germ-obsessed nation...

SNIP

...Is that an exaggeration? Not by much. Indeed, the fear is palpable, and real, and also terrifically stupid, given how it is at least partly created and fueled by giddy chemical corporations only too happy to supply you with all sorts of toxic substances with which to kill the evil germs of your life, most of which have existed since the dawn of time and which also includes all the good necessary bacteria that actually serve a positive function in the ecology of existence. But hey, balanced perspective has never exactly topped the list of American virtues, you know?

Here's another ad, just one of dozens. Clorox Disinfecting Wipes. Bleach-filled chemical things that you should use regularly on every surface of your home lest little Timmy grab an innocent American cookie from the exact same spot on the countertop where you happened to unload some raw drippy blood-drenched hamburger meat just minutes before. Oh my God. You're not using these wipes? Are you trying to kill your child?..."

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/gate/archive/2007/01/26/notes012607.DTL&nl=fix

[redqueen]

1. Thanks...

I so love his work... he can take the most abhorrent subjects and spread awareness about them in an engaging, amusing way.

We need so many more like him.

[coffeenap]

2. "If all you have is a bleach wipe, everything looks like a germ"

LOL! Oh the stories this mom (with lots of mom acquaintances) could tell...

[porphyrian]

3. Don't sponges cost, like, five cents a piece?

If you're using a sponge that's funky and germ-infested, why not just throw the fucking thing out? You can replace it with the change you find in the parking lot.

You're right on that it's corporate/advertising-driven, this antibacterial obsession. They found that products with the word started selling more than the original product, even if it cost more. It's success spread like wildfire as every brand imaginable produced an antibacterial line, and people bought the shit out of it. And the antibacterial-resistant bugs were left, and they repopulated, and now we have resistant strains of things we thought we'd wiped out. Joy.

[demrabble]

7. Oh My God

"If you're using a sponge that's funky and germ-infested, why not just throw the fucking thing out? You can replace it with the change you find in the parking lot."

Oh My God.

Don't you realize the number of germs that are on money?

Especially money found in a parking lot!

It might have even been handled by a homeless person!

Do not pick up change in a parking lot - EVER.

You might get some germs if you do.
:sarcasm:

[porphyrian]

8. I had an Algebra teacher in high school who washed her hands every time she touched chalk.

OCD is a scary thing.

[FourScore]

9. What about my keyboard? Can I touch my keyboard??? n/t

[Jemmons]

4. Morford has a way with words. This is clasic and stil relevant:

Iran, You Ran, Let's Bomb Iran
When all else fails and you're becoming Nixon 2.0, why not just nuke someone, and smirk?

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Wednesday, April 19, 2006


It's just like playing blackjack in Vegas.

Invariably, sitting right next to you is some guy, eyes shifty and body twitchy and making weird sounds with his mouth and smelling vaguely of sawdust and horse manure and dead dreams, with a huge pile of chips he is quickly turning into a very small pile of chips.

He is suffering. He is playing terribly, grumbling, sneering at the dealer, talking to the cards like they were his personal slutty harem ("C'mon you dumb bitches, do me right," etc.), complaining to his very angry God who is apparently no longer coming through for him. He is getting desperate. His pile is diminishing. He is sweating, glancing around, wondering where all his drunk fraternity friends scurried off to.

Soon he is down to his last chips. He makes one final stab, but his final bet tanks. He is out, the pile is gone.

He then does what every miserable, lunkheaded gambler does at this point: In a fit of alcoholic rage and demonic encouragement, he says, "Screw it" -- and digs into his pocket, pulls out his last remaining crumpled $1,000 bill and slaps it down on the table in one big final gesture meant to turn his fortunes around all at once, goddamn the wife at home and screw a decent meal and forget every ironclad rule of gambling because dammit the gods owe him and he's long overdue for a change in fortune. Yes. Right. Sure he is.

The smart players look at him like he's a wart on their elbow. The gods look at him like he's a brown fungal mold they forgot to let evolve. Everyone looks sidelong at him and sighs, waits for the inevitable.

Sure enough, the lug loses his big Hail Mary bet. He is broke. He cannot believe it. He curses the table, curses the whore cards, swears at the dealer for not treating him better, slams the rest of his drink and his face contorts and his hands shake and he stumbles off into the night, railing against his lousy luck, the gods, all of humanity. Same ol' situation, happening all over Vegas. And, of course, Washington, D.C.



More:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2006/04/19/notes041906.DTL&hw=bet+bush+iran+drunk&sn=001&sc=1000

[JackRiddler]

5. Fascist slogan of the year

LYSOL: DISINFECT TO PROTECT!

Make sure you do the Hitler salute, it fits perfectly.

[mainegreen]

6. I love the commercial that equates using a sponge to rubbing raw chicken on everything.

:rofl: