Unlimited Pardon Power and Five Other Impossible Things Before Breakfast

[davidswanson]

Alice squinted as she peered up through the rabbit hole at sunlight wondering how many books she might have to stand on to be able to climb back out. She hadn't even begun to make up her mind when she was completely distracted by a large elephant on a motor scooter who grabbed her with his trunk and stuck her on the back seat as he sped off down a dark gravel path.

The strange thing about the motor scooter was that it was a rental, and the elephant explained that he had rented it in a deal involving "unlimited mileage." That was written down very legally in a signed contract, so naturally the elephant had decided to drive backwards in time in order to put on as many miles as possible before next Tuesday. This meant both that Alice was getting younger every mile they progressed and that the tires had long since worn off, and the scooter was riding on bare wheels now.

Alice was unable to say anything back to the elephant as they rode and he chatted, but before long he stopped in front of an All-You-Can-Eat buffet restaurant, and they both got out. Alice didn't know how they'd gotten there, since her kidnapping by the elephant would be happening in the future, but she knew that she was hungry. Alice intended to take full advantage of the all-you-can-eat arrangement. She filled up three plates with food before she was full, but the elephant out-did her. He ate most of the available food without bothering about a plate, and then ate the stack of plates too, before starting on the chairs and tables. Tragically, the elephant also ate the cooks and waiters, so the food stopped coming.

After that, the elephant was arrested and put on trial, but acquitted of cannibalism on the grounds that the restaurant had said "All You Can Eat" in three-foot letters. Alice didn't stick around for the trial, but bought an unlimited travel ticket with which she rode around on busses for the next four years until she was back to her previous age.

When Alice emerged from the rabbit hole, she found that her family and all of the townspeople she'd known had been slaughtered by White House staffers following the instructions of the president. The murderers didn't face a trial as the elephant had, because the president simply pardoned them before anyone even had a chance to suggest it.

"But wait," said Alice, "how can he pardon people for crimes he told them to commit? Once he's done that, there are no more crimes and no more laws. So there must, then, be no more pardons."

Alice was overheard making this exclamation by a creature stranger than any she'd ever before encountered, a creature called a lawyer. The lawyer explained that the president's pardon power was unlimited. The lawyer knew this to be so because no court had ever limited the president's pardon power.

Alice asked the lawyer his name five times before understanding that it was John Yoo, and that he wasn't insisting on knowing her name first. Yoo told Alice that she had much to be thankful for. "First of all," said Yoo, "we killed everyone while you were away. Second of all, we've united the land, or what's left of it -- all the lawyers agree about unlimited pardon powers. And third of all, you should be very pleased that you have no testicles."

This last remark confused Alice, but the chainsaw didn't. She turned and ran as fast as she could, and out of the corner of her eye she caught an image of George W. Bush in a priest's robes chasing after her and Yoo and shouting: "I'm gonna pardon you, Yoo! I'm gonna pardon you, Yoo, but you have to let me watch her suffer!"

[Jim Sagle]

1. Updated fables are generally too cute by half. This one isn't, it's just true.

And don't let the strange internet lawyers of DU tell you otherwise.

[tritsofme]

2. He shall have Power to Grant Reprieves and Pardons for Offences against the United States, except in

Cases of Impeachment.

Your nice story, unfortunately does not change that.

[skepticscott]

11. Exactly

The framers had considerable foresight, as reading other portions of the Constitution makes clear, and since they saw fit to enumerate one specific exception to the president's pardon power, there is no justification for assuming that they intended there to be others but simply neglected to include them. That some people wish they had or think they should have is irrelevant.

[RandomThoughts]

3. was it

Alice's Restaurant?

[ooglymoogly]

4. Sobering amusement.

I half expected the restaurant to be the Squat and Gobble. kr

[davidswanson]

5. When Would You Say "Enough"?

Imagine that you took your family to the White House for a Christmas tree lighting ceremony, and you were all standing in the front row as the president made some brief remarks, you and your spouse and your two children, a little girl and a little boy. And imagine that after talking for a few minutes the president turned to his chief of staff, handed him a knife, and said "Would you mind grabbing that little girl out of the front row and bringing her up here and slitting her throat?" And imagine that the chief of staff did just that, as you and others screamed and fought with various aides and secret service officers. And then someone shouted "Arrest him!" while pointing at the chief of staff. But the president held up a piece of paper and declared: "I'm pardoning him right now!" And all the shouting suddenly stopped. People murmured to each other: "Oh, well, if he's pardoned he's pardoned." And the president stood and smiled, paused for a while, and then turned to the chief of staff and said "It covers torturing the little boy too."

Would you say "Enough!" Even if you'd been to law school? Or would you still declare the pardon power to be "unlimited"? Would it take more than this to awaken an ounce of humanity or independent thought from deep within your brain?

Not to worry. What we are dealing with is far more than this. We are dealing with the gruesome sadistic torture and murder of thousands of people. We're dealing with a war that's left over 1.2 million dead, 4 million displaced, millions more without decent water, food, or shelter. We're dealing with people kidnapped, kept in outdoor cages for years without any indication of reason to hope, prisoner suicides, prisoner torture, people hung from their wrists until they passed out or died, people shocked with electricity, beaten with sticks, or given the water torture. Your little daughter is only one person, but imagine if she were thousands, and that they were all tortured, raped, and murdered, every single one. And then tell me that the pardon power is "unlimited." Tell me that the Supreme Court of the United States has no possible choice other than to conclude that the pardon power is "unlimited." Can you tell me that and show your face in public? I dare you.

Do you believe large crimes are less important than small ones, crimes against Muslims are less important than crimes against Christians, crimes against foreigners are less important than crimes against Americans? Do you believe those things? Think about it before you answer. Now tell me if the pardon power is unlimited. Tell me if it makes sense for human rights groups to declare that the pardon power is unlimited and to then ask a man like George W. Bush, his arms drenched in blood up to the shoulders, to please not abuse his unlimited power. Is that a smart thing to do? Is it a conscionable thing to do? Is it something we can do and not become complicit in crime?

[lib_wit_it]

8. Unfathomably, it won't be until something like this actually happens that the unlimited pardon power

is understood clearly.

[Dystopian]

6. KandR. Brilliant piece...n/t

peace~

[DemoTex]

7. Bu$h having unlimited pardon power is like ..

Bu$h having unlimited pardon power is like teenage boys having unlimited access to whiskey and car keys.

:kick:

[bertman]

9. You've outdone yourself, David. I wish you had the ear of our President-elect.

[Vattel]

10. The founders

didn't believe that any of the President's powers are unlimited. They believed that the powers of government are derived from the people and that because the people do not have the authority to act unjustly, they also can't invest the president with the power to act unjustly. If one is going to be a consistent originalist, one should recognize such moral limits to presidential power.

Of course, in the real world there are no consistent originalists and the only way to deal with an abuse of the power to pardon would be to impeach the president.

[davidswanson]

12. exactly

right