The Five Stages of Freeper Grief.

[Shiver]

While pondering my response to this poll, my mind wandered to the five classical stages of grief. This, in turn, got me thinking: 'How would Freepers, not known for following logical thought processes, deal with grief?'

Before I even realized it, possibly due to lack of sleep, I had this typed up... :crazy:

*****

The Five Stages of Freeper Grief

(adjusted specifically for use on January 20th, 2009)


Stage One: Whimpering.

Wailing like an infant as President Obama takes the oath of office, arms wrapped around their legs and rocking back and forth. They'd rest their weepy eyes in Momma's bosom, but she's all the way upstairs, and the Cheetos are down here...

Stage Two: Laundry.

Having been seized by a moment of utter terror at the thought of the socialist, muslin turn the country will soon take, the Freeper will have shat themselves repeatedly, staining their pure white sheets. They must be cleaned now, and... hey, if you fold the cloth like this, cut some eyeholes...

Stage Three: Huffing.

The fumes from the laundry detergent smell soooo gooood. Freepers will hallucinate that they have returned to the Eighties, when Reagan was President, teh gays stayed hidden, the hippies had cut their hair and gotten jobs, and we were winning against the Commies! All was right with the world, and that pink unicorn with an enticing dildo horn doesn't mean anything...

Stage Four: Palin.

Once Stage Three passes, the minds of the Freepers will suddenly shift to their new savior, Sarah Palin. They will remind themselves how wonderful and brilliant she is, and that 'Obummer' will stand no chance against her in 2012 - clean sweep for sure! 538 total electoral votes! Ninety percent of the popular vote! Reagan will rise from the dead to serve in her Cabinet! Mom will stop saying that 38 is 'not too old' to finally start dating!

Stage Five: Retreat.

Despite the pleasant thoughts of Sarah Palin, the feeble-minded will still feel despair at having to wait so long. Freepers will thus, for the next four years at the very least, retreat to their secret 'Real America', located in the bomb shelter (read: pillow fort) they've set up in mom's basement. Don't let them know you know, but the password is 'I brought cupcakes'. If they answer 'with sprinkles?', then be warned - they have no pants and a Sarah Palin cardboard cutout is in there with them.

*****

Of course, not all Freepers are the same... some of you may have other idea on the stages of Freeper grief. Please share if you do!

:rofl: :yoiks: :rofl:

[louis-t]

1. Well, there's one stage that precedes your number 1.

Screaming. Vile, filthy, hateful things coming out of their mouths right now. Kind of a screeching sound like when rats are trying to warn other rats about imminent danger. When they can scream no more, they move to the inaugural "rocking back and forth" stage.

[Shiver]

2. I didn't mention it 'cause I thought it was a given...

:shrug:

[louis-t]

8. I'm SO not looking forward to Christmas Eve

when my repug relatives will try to edumicate me again. The last time, they embarrassed themselves in a public place, yelling loudly about rising up and taking over, Barney Frank and his 'cronies' ruining the country, etc. I promised my Mom I will walk away if they start. I didn't tell her how far I would walk away. If I stay and eat (Lebanese food) after listening to their nonsense I'm a hypocrite. If I leave, I go hungry. It's keeping me up nights.

[Shiver]

16. My Republican relatives...

...all either live too far for frequent visits or voted for Obama. So I'm safe this year :D

[Lars39]

23. Place your order as a take-out and eat dessert while the other are revving up

the foolishness. No need to short yourself. :D

[louis-t]

40. I would just feel like a hypocrite.

It is a dilemma. I'm sure it will be fine, but I'm obsessing, for now.

[Shiver]

41. Change the subject if it ever comes up?

Or there is always the option of getting good and plastered, so then if you yell at them, you can blame it on the booze! :toast:

[louis-t]

42. Haaa! I like it!

It'll be like Peter Griffin and his natural father yelling at each other (with subtitles) in a pub in Ireland.

[AzDar]

3. K + R

:kick:

[DS1]

4. Hopeful Stage 6: Accidental discharge while giving gun blowjob

[Shiver]

9. Unlikely

Freepers are like cockroaches.... too hard to kill. They'd survive out of spite.

[DearAbby]

5. Isn't urinating in public one?..........n/t

[Shiver]

7. They do that when they're happy, too.

Freepers don't need to be feeling anything specific to commit public urination.

[TripleKatPad]

6. Great post, Shiver

Fortunately I had enough discipline to turn my face away from the keyboard each time a bwahahaha erupted from my mouth. Keyboard saved; kitchen floor? covered in Dr. Pepper spew.

[bunny planet]

10. O mi gawdness, this had me laughing (and I so needed a laugh today)

The freep who lives across the street from me actually has a life size cardboard cut-out of W in his livingroom, wonder if he's now replaced with a replica of La Dolce Mooselini? Can't wait to read the rest of this thread now for more giggles.

[Shiver]

14. A life-size cutout of the Occupant?

That's even more frightening... :scared:

[bunny planet]

11. They will begin to hold seances, casting asparagus in hopes of contacting Ronnie Raygun in the

afterworld for advice on how to cope.

[Shiver]

37. Pointless task

He won't recall any useful advice... :P

[formercia]

12. Stage 7: Self-gratification

When everything else turns to shit, they always fall back on what weenie wankers always do.

[Shiver]

13. Whack off to Limbaugh?

Or his Hannity the 'voice of choice' these days?

[malaise]

15. Wicked funny

:rofl:

[Shiver]

17. *gratuitous kick*

:kick:

[BlueIris]

18. Stage 1: Insular denial ("He didn't win 'cause he wasn't eligible to run in the first place!").

Or whatever you would call denial that denies not only reality but psuedo-reality.

Stage 2: Reactive amnesia. ("What election? Bush is king for life!")

Stage 3: Implosion. (Milwaukee's Beast. Muteness. Sobbing.)

Stage 4: Acting out. (Compulsive masturbation. Strip clubs. Same-sex affairs.)

Stage 5: Groveling. ("Maybe if I threaten to withhold my taxes or move to Canada, Obama will see the light and start kissing my ass!")

Stage 6: Seething resentment. (Freeper coworkers will notice the refusal to share space in the cafeteria or the board room, and the cheap shots at people with Obama bumper stickers in the parking lot.)

Stage 7: Libertarianism. It's the new Fascist.

[Shiver]

19. Ick... Milwaukee's Best?

Vile beer...

Nice list, though. I was trying to figure out a way to incorporate the birth certificate thing, but I couldn't manage to work it into the overall narrative.

Love Stage Seven especially :D

[BlueIris]

20. Yeah, Stage 7 is where a bulk of the STBE-Republicans are heading.

Not gonna be pretty.

[Shiver]

21. STBE?

Don't recognise the acronym....

[BlueIris]

25. Soon-to-be-ex.

And the Libertarians will welcome their sorry asses, I'm sure.

[Towlie]

22. The Official Seal of the United States Republican Party

[Initech]

24. Actually this is a more appropriate representation:

http://www.cracked.com/craptions/craption/1062

[BreweryYardRat]

26. As far as I'm concerned, there are, ideally, only two or three stages of freeper grief.

1: Freeper gets drunk.
2 (optional): Freeper sets affairs in order.
3: Freeper quietly commits suicide.

And good riddance.

[Shiver]

27. I didn't think Freepers could do anything quietly...

And personally, I don't advocate suicide as a way of dealing with anything for anyone...

[Bucky]

28. Now which stage does the birth certificate imbicility come in?

And in which stage do we place calling everyone a communist when they disagree with you?

[Shiver]

29. That'd be 'denial'

However, Freepers are constantly in denial, and excel especially in denying reality. Therefore, there is no real 'stage' for it, as it's a state they live in constantly. :crazy:

[B Calm]

30. My republican co-workers are all boo-hooing. One pledged before

the election to never again talk to anyone if he ever finds out they voted for Obama. I told him I already voted for him. To his word he hasn't said a word to me since. HA HA

[Shiver]

31. Definitely a Freep the others can learn something from!

:rofl:

[B Calm]

35. Hee Hee. . . Their stupidity never ceases to amaze me.. .

[Shiver]

32. Optional Stage Six: "Independence"

After several months inside the "bomb shelter", the Freeper's rank odor will finally drive their parents nuts, and they will throw him out of the house. For the first time in their life, the Freeper is independent, and they come to an "epiphany" (possibly brought on by a vision of Jesus in their baked beans). Their beloved party has failed, and now exposed to ideas from the "outside world", decide to declare themselves "Independents". They will continue to spew the same hateful drivel and vote for the same morans, but whenever called on it, they can claim "I'm not a Republican, I'm an INDEPENDENT!"

They might also, if they reach this stage, discover that women rarely find watching Hannity during sex to be a mood-enhancer.

[Mira]

33. K&R Been on a little trip on Business - this brought me right back home. Laughing myself silly

[Shiver]

34. Happy to hear I aided in making your return home a pleasant experience!

:hi:

[Vickers]

36. "the bomb shelter (read: pillow fort)"

omg

:rofl:

[ProgressiveFool]

38. I imagine before they noticed that the laundry needed washing there would be a moment

Of unabashed poo-flinging.

[Shiver]

39. If we're lucky, flinging it is ALL that they'll do.

:scared: