any advice for surviving fundy in-law trip?

[babydollhead]

I wish I could leave my mind at home, it's where all of the problems come from. We're going for christmas, and I am already in deep dread mode. They hate me, and by that I mean, they don't think I'm funny. I am serious, if I could just leave my head at home...I would happily go. 16 hours in the car. to hell.

[ananda]

1. Agree not to talk about religion or politics.

That's what my family does.

[babydollhead]

7. they are church of Christ.

they have told my very own children that they will burn in hell. They cry and say they are sad that the kids are going to burn in hell forever. Part of their religion is never shutting up about hell.

[valerief]

11. Good heavens. Keep your children away from those nuts! It doesn't matter that

they're relatives. They're dangerous to your kids.

[Bigmack]

17. I'd never speak to them or allow...

my children to be around them. Those people are abusers if they tell a kid he/she is going to hell.

I can't imagine why you would put yourself or your kids through that.

Stay home and take the kids to someplace fun instead.

[Kookaburra]

23. Child abuse!

Don't let you children anywhere near those horrible people. They're dangerous.

[FiveGoodMen]

28. I'll add to the chorus: keep your kids away from them

Their talk may just be a severe irritant to you, but kids take stuff that adults say very seriously.

[jhrobbins]

44. Me four-don't go!!!

[Hekate]

75. Damning your kids to Hell is what's known as a deal-breaker. WHY is your husband dragging his family

... into that place? That's the issue that needs to be brought out into the open.

I've had to shut my mouth around a lot of people I don't agree with so we can all keep the peace, but this is beyond the beyond. It's beyond decency. It's abusive.

If your husband (their son) feels such a profound need to be with his parents at Christmas, by all means encourage him to go there alone. No you. No kids.

Scripture (which I'm sure his parents must read) says a man must cleave to his wife and leave his parents. Once your husband gets it that Christmas will take place in the home he has made with you, then he can determine when else he will be visiting his parents. Then you two need to talk about why it is or is not worthwhile to drag your kids over there.

Whew. Sorry. You need pay no attention to me--just your own gut.

Hekate

[babydollhead]

86. thank you.

i agree. I am furious with them for telling my own children, that I really wanted, and whom I am trying to raise as peaceful, kind, tolerant humans, that they will burn in Hell forever. He told them about 3 years ago. He said, "It's very hot in hell" and my daughter said, "It's hot here in Georgia too"

[margotb822]

108. Same Place??

Haha! How old was your daughter (just wondering if it was "innocent child" or "bratty teen" remark)? Either way, it's funny!

[mnhtnbb]

77. Why do you subject yourself to these people?

[mwb970]

81. Good God. Stay home!

Subjecting your children to these people constitutes abuse. Keep away! Family or not.

[ipfilter]

90. I feel for you.

The most pompous, self absorbed, and hypocritical people I have ever known were Church of Christ. They are more like a cult than a church.

[mrreowwr_kittty]

96. I hadn't even read this when I wrote my response downthread.

Don't go!! Seriously, decline the invitation and tell them exactly why. Let them know that they will not be allowed around your children if they are going to emotionally terrorize them like that.

[knitter4democracy]

Whoa. Definitely not okay.

My mom did that when she had her bipolar episode a few years back, and I read her the riot act.

Church of Christ doesn't believe in infant baptisms, instead saying that kids have to reach the age of accountability. I don't know your kids' ages, but if they start in, say that they're not old enough to make that decision yet on their own and that you'll leave if they keep pressuring your children to chose Christ just to shut Grandma and Grandpa up. Those conversions never last, btw.

[SharonAnn]

72. I would say "boundaries". Maintain them for yourself and your family. Don't go there!

For heaven's sake, don't ever put yourself or your children in that situation. Let them know that it is OK to draw healthy boundaries around the type of interaction you permit with people.

If you let them behave as you describe, you're not only letting them "win", you're teaching your children that they have to put up with people treating them badly. Don't let them grow up thinking that. Teach them to have boundaries around what's acceptable behavior and what's not.

If you feel you must spend any time with them at all, and I certainly don't recommend Christmas, then stay in a hotel and only spend carefully defined time with them while you're there. Any bad behavior on their part, just pack up and return to the hotel or return home.

Seriously, when families allow this kind of intimidation and domination/control, this is how families perpetuate dysfunction from generation to generation.

Break the cycle!

[conscious evolution]

82. Great advice.

[babydollhead]

87. Thank you. You are right.

[mrreowwr_kittty]

98. Very well said.

It saddens me to see adults think they are obligated to allow family members to walk all over them and their own families.

[philosophie_en_rose]

2. iPod

Escape with videos and music. If you have earbuds and a hat, they might not even notice you're not really listening. :)

[sakabatou]

67. Seconded

[LeftyMom]

3. Fake an illness and stay home?

[valerief]

4. Don't go. Feign illness. Fart around them a lot. If worse comes to worse,

Jim Beam.

:spray:

[Demeter]

5. Suggestion #1: Don't Go

Suggestion #2: Plenty of sensory distraction: chocolates, Christmas carols on iPod with good sound-proof headphones, musk roses, silk underwear, high-class hotel room. Whatever it takes to focus on pleasure and sooth the soul.

Suggestion #3: Bribe them. Make them an offer they can't refuse, or better yet, a goal they can never reach.

[Veritas_et_Aequitas]

6. Pot. Lots of pot.

[babydollhead]

12. yes.

I guess if I had a friend with me who would laugh with me and enjoy the comedy of biblical bullying.

[polichick]

8. So sorry. I wouldn't last an hour with fundies...

...even my die-hard Republican father-in-law is a lot for me. My advice: Don't actually stay with them; get a room nearby.

[Canuckistanian]

9. In-Laws are murder, aren't they?

Mine aren't fundies, but they just have ZERO sense of humour, etiquette or social skills.

Well, just my MIL. My FIL is a good guy.

[Crunchy Frog]

10. Drugs? A very heavy duty sedative?

[babydollhead]

16. thank you.

[seabeyond]

33. wine. i have found a pattern. i dont drink... EXCEPT when my family or husband family around

then i pull out the bottle. in laws have gotta think i am a lush. but that is the ONLY time i drink

[sufrommich]

13. Pie!

[pnwmom]

14. I've often thought I'd like to leave my head at the dentist's office and pick it up later.

So I know what you mean.

Good luck!

[tridim]

15. A short-term trial separation?

Or as someone else mentioned, lots of Cannabis.

[babydollhead]

19. yes.

[flvegan]

18. Go Joe Pesci on them.

Seriously, when you get there, grab whomever opens the door by the collar and take them to the ground. Stick your finger in their face and scream, with appropriate NY accent, "if you utter one fucking thing about fucking God, Jesus, Hell, or any other word found in the motherfucking Old OR New Testament, I'm going to get biblical on your fucking ass you fucking fuck. Now merry fucking Christmas you asshole."

Or stock up on vodka, a fine Christmas "spirit".

[Mari333]

20. LOL

[babydollhead]

24. yeah. I've often though of doing the meal prayer...

JESUS CHRIST!!! help us all to enjoy this brief time together. amen

[LeftyMom]

36. Can I please take you to any holiday with my stepdad's very Mormon family?

Pretty please?

[flvegan]

40. When I'm really in character, I take off one of my dress shoes

and start whacking them with the heel. Then I tell them to go fuck their mother. Dizzy motherfucker.

[LeftyMom]

41. I will personally pay you a very large sum of money to do this.

But we have to stop at Circuit City so I can get a video camera to save the moment. I promise I won't show my receipt at the door.

[JNelson6563]

97. haha Good one!

:toast:

[SmileyRose]

21. They raised your spouse.

The one you care enough about to put yourself through that.

My mother in law hated me with the passion of 1 million hellfires. But she raised my husband, and though we have some serious problems he is the salt of the earth. One of the most decent men I have ever known. So when I wanted to blow a cork I just reminded myself, it's only for a few days and the woman can't be ALL satanic.

[ret5hd]

100. i think you may be confusing "because of" with "in spite of".

maybe not. just sayin'.

[Mari333]

22. honestly, why would you subject yourself to this?

just askin.

[babydollhead]

26. I have stayed home before.

And I love it. 10 days of just me and whatever I feel like doing. Last year, I sent my 3 kids and their Dad to Georgia, and, because my 15 year old daughter had dyed her honey colored hair brown, like mine, she called me a million times crying because they were treating her like they usually treat me. I cannot send her again without going myself. The kids are 16, 15, and 12. When they are 18, i will not feel like they, or I have to go. Any DUers in Valdosta?

[Mari333]

46. then if you feel you must go,

to protect your children, and i do understand, its now about making strict boundaries with your relatives. very strict boundaries.
and being firm, and telling them in no uncertain terms that you will NOT allow verbal abuse to your family.
on the other hand, why do any of you feel you need to go?
why not just stay home with everyone, or just send your husband (I assume its his family). does he put up with it also?

[conscious evolution]

84. Lord help you

Valdosta?
I really feel for you.
Theres a reason the water smells like sulphur down there.
Theres a reason the area is called the land of the trembling earth.

[raccoon]

102. Some of the others have mentioned boundaries. I agree, the in-laws should NOT

get away with telling your kids they're going to hell.

I had an extended family member act toward me in a similar way when I was young and my mother sat there like the cat had got her tongue and didn't say a damn thing.

Neither you NOR YOUR HUSBAND should let the in-laws get away with that crap. How does he feel about his family saying things like that to the kids?

[knitter4democracy]

111. Hmm. Why is your husband going again?

Just because he's trapped in a shame spiral doesn't mean his kids have to get hurt. If you really can't keep him from taking them, you'll have to go, too, but at the first whiff of child abuse, take the kids to a hotel and let him stew with his parents alone.

[PearliePoo2]

25. Do not go......

You said they hate you. Why would you want to spend the holidays in this environment?
It will only bum you out and you will be miserable.
Make a break and do something fun at home in a holiday tradition that you establish.
Tell them it will be a financial hardship and maybe you can come next year.
Do not EVER go there. Period!

[prostock69]

52. My advice exactly. I would not go and my husband would just have to get over it.

[TheCentepedeShoes]

27. Eat to excess

go in the bathroom, throw it all up and stop up the toilet.

[babydollhead]

29. bulimic humor...my favorite.

[izquierdista]

30. Gloat

Don't say much. Just recycle some well worn phrases: "Get over it." "My country, right or wrong." "Barack -- Who's sane -- Obama".

[babydollhead]

34. yes, It sure feels good !

My son (16)wants to say thinks like, "It sure is black president outside."or, "Someone punched me in the face and now i have a black president eye."

[ColbertWatcher]

42. Do your children feel the same about the in-laws as you do?

If so, crack jokes about them on the way over. Repeat their favorite sayings in your best imitation of their voices/mannerisms. Have everyone get in the act. For more ideas, watch some really good comedy poking fun at stupid people too.

Just make fun of every damn thing about them.

Keep doing it until you can't look at them without laughing.

They won't know why you're laughing and your secret private joke should last a good couple days.

That is if you decide to go.

[babydollhead]

47. My youngest laughs with me

when i say something, anything, and they act like no one has spoken. My daughter says it's so awful, it's funny.

[ColbertWatcher]

57. Good. If you decide to go, spend the day before laughing your asses off. n/t

[marmar]

31. Some rolling papers and the good herb.....

:smoke:

[seabeyond]

35. i did that a couple times in ealier years with in laws. really works, lol lol. n/t

[seabeyond]

32. every other christmas. this is the year. books.... i take books....

my kids are older. so i dont need to be around to take care of them. they have their son. dont need me around. last couple visits, i stay in room and read. also try to keep it as drive in one day. three days. leave.

this year gonna be four days. generally by fourth day i am in fight with father in law.

[Lars39]

37. Walks after every meal helps cut down on face time,too.

I think I'll change purses for one that will hold my book. :hi:

[seabeyond]

58. lol lol lol. and there is a little lake close at hand and el paso, so could be warm

enough. thanks for tip. lol

:toast:

:hi:

[babydollhead]

38. thank you

[babydollhead]

39. thank you all. It means the world to me.

My kids are Simpson cynical and have a laugh about religion fanaticism. Everybody usually has a better time if I don't go. That's fucked up, but true.

[gratuitous]

49. If your kids don't take them seriously . . .

Take your cue from the kids, and don't take them seriously either. They've mortgaged their minds for the confidence that comes from letting someone else do their thinking for them. There's not a whole lot you can do to engage them or get them thinking again. They're not treating their own religious seriously (since they don't subject it to scrutiny or critical thinking), so you shouldn't feel constrained to treat it seriously, either.

But if you do want to have a little fun with them, ask them about the biblical concept of universal restoration Paul recites in Romans 8:38-39: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." And if that's true (seeing as how it's in the Bible and everything, they may have to concede that it is true), then there is nothing that can possibly separate us from the love of God, not even death. If they persist, simply insist that they have to make allowance and room in their soteriology for the plain language of these two verses.

That is to say, they could be . . . wrong. :scared:

And now that even their own Bible makes it a possibility, they should have a nice big cup of shut the fuck up and get to unwrapping presents.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

43. take a book

and read it. Hopefully one that is non-controversial yet something that is legitimately fascinating. My choices would be:

a biography of Lincoln

a low carb cookbook

a book on the origin of words

[Believing Is Art]

45. Tell them you've converted

Fake it. Be as extreme as possible. Try to be more extreme than they are. Worst thing that can happen is they figure out you're mocking them. But they already hate you, so no loss. Okay scenario - they are too dense to figure it out and actually start to like you, making it somewhat more tolerable. Best case - you out-bigot them and it makes them look at their own prejudices. Unlikely, but one can hope.

[babydollhead]

48. I am jewish. This is a problem to them.

I have considered telling them we have converted to church of christ, just to shut them the fuck up!

[Mari333]

50. oh well now that explains it!!! they want you to

acceptthelordjesuschristasyourpersonalsaviour.
oh brother.

[babydollhead]

51. ugh. They called my baby boy, "Moses"

[Mari333]

53. !!!!bigots!!!!! good lord, woman, keep your family home.

unbelievable.
(hugs)

[babydollhead]

55. thank you. Otherwise, I love my life.

[babydollhead]

56. thank you. Otherwise, I love my life.

[iconicgnom]

62. All the more reason not to subject yourself and your children to their abuse.

[bperci108]

63. You're Jewish?

Perfect....


Go Orthodox on their ass. (Maybe even Chasidim, if you can pull it off...)

Have your son wear a yarmulke, Tallis, the whole nine....

INSIST on keeping every bit of an observant diet; raise holy hell if it isn't kosher.

If the fundie drips are going to hate you for your genes, then have LOTS and LOTS of fun with it. :evilgrin:

It sounds like the kids are up for it.


Or just stay home and enjoy your holiday time sans irritating relatives.

(Seriously, have a peaceful and joyous celebration.) :hug:




(edit: spelling)

[dysfunctional press]

73. you need one of these- a t-shirt from jews for jesus...

and a nice little conversion gospel story to go with it.

[ipfilter]

91. Ask them if you can take a guitar to church.

[knitter4democracy]

112. No, you really don't want to do that.

First of all, they'd want details and stories. That's hard to make up if you didn't grow up around all of it. Secondly, it would make them all excited and wanting to take you to their church so they can show off how their heathen grandkids have converted, and that is bad, bad, bad.

The best thing to do in this situation, I think, is avoidance.

[Arugula Latte]

115. That probably won't shut them up. They'll just ask you more questions.

Plus, if they think they "got to you" then the terrorists win. :)

[graywarrior]

54. Ear plugs

[Kansas Wyatt]

59. Keep asking them how their political picks for the last 8 years helped the country.

Then rub their noses into the fact that their picks have destroyed everything, and then ask if they are happy about their destruction of America.

[LaydeeBug]

60. smile deep inside grasshopper, for your enemy is now your friend. Just say these magic words:

"President Elect Barack Obama" and if THAT doesn't get their goad...say these magic words, "Secretary of State Hillary Clinton"

I would muse about how the country just SOUNDLY elected a man who's middle name is Hussein! A black man, no less. Then talk about how beautiful Michelle will look in her inaugural gown. Remark about how "Obama" rhymes with "Osama" and still an entire nation saw through it.

Then sit back and watch their heads explode.

[iconicgnom]

61. Don't go. For the future, negotiate terms that absolutely forbid religious abusiveness.

And general personal abusiveness. If they can't understand or agree to respect your person, and to respect your children, then terms for a healthy and viable relationship can't be met -- and you've a right, and perhaps a duty, to avoid them until such time as they learn.

[name not needed]

64. Xanax.

[spanone]

65. immediate lobotomy

[fortyfeetunder]

66. MP3 player

you can be in la-la land and they wouldn't even know it...
Just say you are taking a distance education course...

[Skittles]

68. you want I should kick some fundy in-law ass, babydoll?

I'm STOKED just thinking about it - yes INDEED

[babydollhead]

99. just come with me.

[sarcasmo]

69. Tell them you can't afford to make the trip this year.

My Grandmothers(fathers mother) to me: The best way to deal with your mother is to not deal with her at all. I live by those words to this day.

[Billy Burnett]

70. I'll tell you what I did at my fundy in-laws many many a christmas ago.

After the usual hours of Q & A about my beliefs and how I'll ruin my step son with my rock and roll communistic satanic heathen ways, we had to hit the sack in the guest room.

I moved the bed headboard as close to the wall as it would get, then I started bumping it into the wall as if we were have the wildest f#ck fest for hours. We were giggling and laughing, which really added to the festive sounds, along with me moaning and repeating OH GOD! OH GOD! many times over louder on each repeat, then we'd stop and get quiet for 10 minutes, rinse and repeat. Woke up to pee in the middle of the night and repeated the exercise, then again very early in the morning.

Needless to say, we weren't invited back again, and though they came to our place for xmas several times, they wouldn't stay at our place.

Mrs B and I just start :rofl: when we talk about that, even though her parents are long gone to their heavenly reward it was a highlight moment of our relationship.

Give it a try. ;)

[mnhtnbb]

78. That is one of the funniest stories I've ever seen on DU.

:rofl:

[babydollhead]

89. glorious idea!

[saltpoint]

71. Maybe wear a "JIM JONES SPEAKS FOR ME" sweatshirt.

That ought to make an impression.

[rvablue]

74. Obviously, your spouse avoided indoctrination......so he/she must tell them

to leave it alone from time to time during past trips, right?

Hopefully they are up for a no politics/no preaching visit......

[woo me with science]

76. Ding ding ding.

Here's the winning answer. Your SPOUSE must pave the way for a cordial visit, because these are his parents, and he should do it in a way that is not confrontational, but rather assumes that they want to have as nice a visit as possible, too. Try to put politics and religion off the table as much as possible as ground rules. You are in their home, so you must be willing to give a bit - being cordial and respectful during prayers, for example, and choosing to let some comments slide that you might really want to call them on. But he should make it clear that you will have to leave as a family if the most important ground rules are not met (e.g., heavy evangelizing to the children). You both need to be prepared to do so calmly and lovingly if that happens.

How old are the kids? Depending on how much they can understand, I would prepare them in advance. This is a valuable teaching moment for them....how to handle other people's strongly held beliefs gracefully while maintaining their own boundaries.

Don't let the aghast responses higher in this thread make you think that you will abuse your children by taking them there or that you have to enter the house in confrontation mode. Your children absolutely don't have to be traumatized by anything their grandparents say if you are clear to them what YOUR beliefs are. If you are clear that your nuclear family does not share the same beliefs, then why should they be traumatized?

Some people you just humor and love. Tell them that their grandparents love them, and that is why their beliefs make them so upset, but that they are simply wrong/mistaken/misguided/????. Find a good analogy that drives the point home at their level - e.g., A very superstitious person who loves you may get extremely upset if you choose to have your party on the 13th of the month, because they believe you will suffer terrible luck. That doesn't mean you should rearrange your whole party for this person. No, you hug them and tell them thank you for loving me, but I am having it this day anyway, and I hope you will come. Teach them to separate their grandparents from themselves in a loving way, with strength.

Bottom line....You are their parents, and they will put 10000 times more stock in what you say than anything their grandparents spout at them, both this weekend and in the long run. If they are old enough, you can even give them tools...teach them to be pleasant and noncommittal or to change the subject lovingly when their grandparents begin to slip. No matter what their age, take along some marvelous activities that your kids can share with their grandparents, that will give them something to do and talk about besides Jesus. Be prepared to rescue them if your in-laws become overbearing, but focus most of all on distraction and finding the positive moments.

IMO the greatest danger for traumatizing your children comes from the possibility that you will react strongly to their behavior, and the whole visit will blow up into anger and hostility. The alternative is to focus on harmony and to trust that you will be able to debrief your children as you go along. Your constant presence will help them understand how complicated relationships can be. You are teaching them valuable lessons about humoring the frustrating things and choosing to focus on the best things in the people you love.

Your children will run across people with sad and strange beliefs throughout their lives, and these could be some of the best lessons in diplomacy and love that they will see.

[babydollhead]

94. I see. I will keep this in my heart.

My kids are 16, 15 and 12. Much pain stems from the fact that their eldest child died in a car accident when he was 26. That's when then went full fledged Church of Christ. Add to this that he was my secret lover for two years before i even met my husband, I called the family to express my sympathy, and my husband answered the phone. Thus began a 5 year phone and letter and visit love affair of it's own right. What started out as each other as a lifeline and of a griefline. became a strong, sexy relationship to this day. Add to this that the eldest was "saved" as a teenager and my husband wasn't. Their best one died. I always say to my husband, "They act like we killed him" It was the one who died that changed my life, that pointed out to me, that I was an artist. He is in me still. This dynamic adds such texture and twists and depths to all other truths about who we are as a family, to me, but for them, it rings with other truths.

[woo me with science]

120. What a lot of layers in this story...

No wonder this trip is so emotionally intense even before it starts.

Reading through the thread, it sounds like you have raised some strong, intelligent, and independent thinking children. They will be fine, I'm sure. In any case, you will all be even stronger going together.

Good luck with your trip. I hope it has many unexpected joyful moments.

[Vinca]

79. Assuming your husband is aware his family doesn't care for you

and especially since they talk about your children burning in hell, he should send them a card and a 2 ton fruitcake and call it a holiday. Our holidays have been a million percent better since we stopped playing the "family game."

[NNN0LHI]

80. If they are wealthy humor them until you collect on their estate

Then party like its 1999.

Thats what I would do.

Don

[mondo joe]

83. Don't go. Just don't go.

You don't have to.

[Dorian Gray]

85. Just don't talk about

politics. It'll be trying. Most in-law interactions are. But good luck.

[riqster]

88. I argue with such people and don't give 'em an inch.

Same way I treat ALL bullies. And bullies is what they are. Stand your ground, hit back, and watch them stop their shit.

This has the added benefit of decreasing the likelihood of a repeat performance. ;-)

[mrreowwr_kittty]

92. Don't go. Why be around people who hate you and make you miserable?

And why is your husband insisting on it? I guess I'm weird but I've never gotten this "when you marry someone you marry their whole family like it or not" notion. You didn't volunteer to be in a relationship with those people and you weren't born into it like your husband was. From what I gather from your OP, you've tried to be nice to them and get them to like you. The thing is, the onus was on THEM to make YOU feel welcome because you are the partner your husband has chosen. IMHO they are being disrespectful to both you and your husband and have therefore lost the privilege of getting visits from both of you.

[Tierra_y_Libertad]

93. The best, and most honest, reason in the world is, "I don't want to."

If you don't want to go, and be miserable, don't.

Of course, you will face the inevitable, "But, why don't you..?" Which isn't really a question but an endless attempt to get you to concede to what someone else wants you to do.

[KansDem]

95. Wine...

...in large bottles. My in-laws weren't fundies but I found spending the holidays with them went more smoothly when I drank wine.

In large bottles...

[CitizenPatriot]

101. babydollhead,

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It can't be easy -- and the past makes this even more complex and tangled, as if our family lives were ever simple.

Sometimes, the truth shall set you free. In many more ways than we expect. So, should you find a huge dose of courage (I've only done this a few times, so I'm not selling it as the easy fix - but it DID work) and you think it's worth it, you could tell them the truth.

you love them. You loved their other son, and now you love the one you're married to. You want your children to know their grandparents. It's a challenging for you to be around them, because you're uncomfortable with the amount of religious talk there is. you respect their religious beliefs, is there a way they can honor yours as well so this doesn't have to be so difficult?

Whatever they answer you, you have won your freedom back by honoring yourself. You don't need to absorb it all just to please them, your husband, your children, or anyone else. You don't need to have all of the answers, either. Just speak the truth with kindness. The rest is on them.

If in your gut you don't feel good about it after they've responded, you can leave. Or not go at all. You are free to do whatever is best for you. Honestly. No one ever tells us that, but it's true.

Wishing you peace and joy.

cp

[babydollhead]

103. thank you.

Once when I was 21 and confused about where i wanted to be, someone came into the store where I was working my second day on the job. I wanted to leave and never come back and the customer said, tell the boss the truth, when you tell your truth it puts the weight of what to do on the other person. The boss hugged me and wished me well figuring out what I was going to do with my life.

[CitizenPatriot]

116. smart customer and smart boss

Not everyone (our families esp) can hear us without judgment, but that is on them.

It sounds like your in-laws could be burying a lot of pain in their religion. I can understand that need, but that isn't how you have chosen to deal with life. You are the lucky one in this case.

HUGS.

[harun]

104. Gloat, don't start anything but if they do be more aggressive than they are.

[AngryAmish]

105. Booze: all the way there, while there, and all the way back

Alcoholics call having so much booze you do not remember what you did a "blackout". They can last days. Have one for the length of your trip. Drink tons of booze. Hard liquor (good quality vodka) is easiest to get enough of (harder with beer and wine - you are always peeing).

If they ask you why you are drinking so much, explain your plight to them. Or not. The beauty of a blackout is you have no idea what you did or said.

[Karenina]

106. Na, Du, Babydollhead!

A SIXTEEN HOUR DRIVE??? Across WHAT landscape encountering WHAT weather??? To DH I would say," Me Tonto. You LONE Ranger. What's this "we" White Man?" :rofl: I confess I have no patience with men who allow their parents to abuse their wives. It's called PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE.

But seriously, have you polled the kids? They're certainly old enough to vote on this issue. I'm also CERTAIN their "reading skills" are up to the task! Have THEY had an opportunity to speak freely to YOU? Here's Tante Karenina's advice:

Play "Should I Stay Or Should I Go" by The Clash at least 3 times at ear-splitting decibels and dance around the living room together when they get home from school tomorrow. Once you've all worn yourselves out playing air guitar, ASK THEM if they'd rather stay home or visit the X-tian Crazies.

Lord knows, my kids had had ENOUGH at 17 and 15. "We're NOT doin' this anymore, Mom. What's Plan B?" :rofl:

I'll type my story of the "snapping experience" if you ask to read it. :hide:

[babydollhead]

118. you are so right

[Habibi]

107. Honestly, why *are* you all going?

I mean, really. Stay home with your family and enjoy being with them, instead of creating a situation you all have to endure. Have they threatened to disinherit your husband if he doesn't spend Christmas with them?

[mrreowwr_kittty]

121. That's what I'm saying. Blood is NOT thicker than water, or anything else.

Even if there were an inheritance hanging in the balance, I might have to let it go.

[knitter4democracy]

109. Been there. Not doing it anymore.

I don't suggest my path, by any means, but I learned some tricks along the way.

1. Don't be afraid to walk out of the room. Go to the bathroom (they can't argue that one) or start fixing something in the kitchen, saying you were hungry. If they get back, running to the store buys you some time.

2. If they start in on whether you're saved or not (and they might--don't know your history), just say that God's not done with you yet. Repeat until it sinks in. It doesn't matter if you believe that, since they will and can't argue with it. If they pressure you to make a decision now, definitely walk out.

3. If they start anything political, ask them to name the Two Greatest Commandments (most any fundy can rattle those off). Ask them who their neighbor is. Tell them that an evangelical friend of yours says that, if Jesus were here today and telling that parable, it would be the Parable of the HIV-positive gay married couple with kids. Watch their heads explode. If they don't know that Samaritans were reviled and hated worse than the Romans by most Jews at the time, by all means, go ahead and enlighten them and tell them to ask their pastor about it.

4. One way to head fundies off is to start singing hymns. I've almost resorted to this one more than once, but I'm fairly certain it would work.

5. Take the computer and log into here as much as you can to stay sane. I've definitely done that before.

[ipfilter]

113. With Church of Christ you sing the hymns along with a piano.

They don't believe in singing hymns with instruments because the Bible doesn't explicitly allow it.

[knitter4democracy]

114. That's fine.

I'm Eastern Orthodox, so we don't even have pianos or organs. All acapella, baybee!

[Sequoia]

110. Don't go...being in a car for 16 hours is not worth it either.

It's not safe driving on those roads in winter anyway. You're going to get yourself all worked up and worried and lose sleep so your health will suffer. Stay home, you can do it.

[Dukkha]

117. don't go. you owe them nothing.

do not tolerate the intolerant. cut them out of your life.

[babydollhead]

119. kick my ass with your insight. I love you guys

[BreweryYardRat]

122. Yeah. Don't go.

I've learned not to put up with this sort of shit. My mother's nearly as bad as these assholes in person, so I try to talk over the phone as much as possible.

Sit down with your husband, talk it out with him, and explain that you're not going to go, because they have consistently behaved this way.