*** DUzy Awards for week ending January 2, 2009 ***

JeffR

(1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore

Sat Jan-03-09 07:36 PM
Original message

Edited on Sat Jan-03-09 07:39 PM by JeffR

Welcome to the Blago-appointed DUzy Awards, recognizing outstanding achievement in fun, foolishness and frivolity from the past week on DU. Congratulations to this week's winners!

The DUzy Awards will be announced every Saturday night, if I get around to it. Previous awards can be found in my journal.

Note to Mods: Skinner has authorized the DUzy Awards to be posted in GD.

Special thanks to TomInTib, dixiegrrrrl, Garbo 2004, swampg8r, intheflow, awoke_in_2003, JoeIsOneOfUs, sheeptramp, MPK, krispos42, Hissyspit, trumad, ColbertWatcher, tammywammy, conscious evolution, babylonsister, hootinholler, eridani, SalmonChantedEvening, Rhiannon12866, KitchenWitch and NanceGreggs for their invaluable assistance with this edition.

OP by Are_grits_groceries:

Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!
You'll have an extra second to celebrate because a "Leap Second" will be added to 2008 to let a lagging Earth catch up to super-accurate clocks.

http://www.livescience.com/space/081226-ns-leap-year.html

One more second with Bush! Is there no end?

GD, December 27, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4724620

On a thread by spanone:

cnn poll: Will you miss President bu$h?

response #3 by Jackpine Radical:

Will I miss Bush? Yes, probably.
I'm just not that accurate with a shoe.

GD, December 27, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4724773

On a poll by HamdenRice:

      I'm terrified Obama will be blamed for the recession/depression. Are you?

response #8 by Balderdash:

      Where's the blame Clinton button?
Repubs blame everything on Clinton. Maybe Obama will get a break if the right
can figure out a way to blame Clinton.

response #10 by HypnoToad:

      The Clenis got worn out. It's retired and hanging in the Smithsonian.
:yoiks:

GDP, December 27, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8037515

On a thread by larissa:

First dog.. CNN rpts Obama's may be leaning towards a "Westie"

response #29 by Withywindle:

Can't be trusted, Obama
I heard he pals around with terriers!

GDP, December 27, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8038755

OP by DS1:

Win or Fail, there's nothing Epic on the Internet. So stop saying that.
This isn't fucking 4chan

response #1 by petronius:

Fail
http://classics.mit.edu/Homer/iliad.html

The Lounge, December 28, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8363370

Poll question by undisclosedlocation:

      Dada

:bluebox: Bryl cream

:bluebox: Chupacabra

:bluebox: Xerography

:bluebox: Filament

:bluebox: Zeuglodon

:bluebox: Bow wow wow wow

:bluebox: Hirsute

:bluebox: Pebbles

:bluebox: Stratocaster

:bluebox: Kumbaya

response #4 by undeterred:

      Mama

response #5 by baldguy:

      Ceci n'est pas une poll.

response #11 by hobbit709:

      Nada

At press time, there was a 3-way tie between "Soup", "The Four Tops" and "Conjunctivitis".

The Lounge, December 28, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8362858

On a thread by Spectral Music:

      I am welcome here?

response #8 by ruggerson:

      Are you bringing us the fresh shipment of toasters?
Then of course you are.

response #17 by Two Americas:

      toasters
I heard that if you buy a toaster now, they will throw in a bank for free.

GLBT, December 28, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=221x109760

OP by Jackpine Radical:

      I've got this great idea for a new kind of financial instrument--the Parking Ticket Derivative.
A municipality would bundle its unpaid parking tickets and sell them at a discount to investors. Then they could be re-packaged in various ways, and hedge securities could be sold to cover the investors against people who default on their tickets. I bet we could build a whole new financial industry out of this system.

response #4 by realpolitik:

      It's the next big thing, baby!
A huge fortuna!

Let's go global!
Hell, let's go intergalactic!!!11!!!

We can invest our winnings in Quantum Black Hole devices.

Using the energy potential of singularities we can have virtually unlimited power.

The only downsides are disposal of unwieldy sized black holes and how to get the damn
cathodes to stick in place.

But once we solve these, we are in the money.
And frankly, I am not convinced that people wouldn't tolerate a suv sized black hole in the neighborhood
if it meant they could still drive their SUV's.

response #5 by Pigwidgeon:

      The Child Support Derivative would be huge, too
Library fines could also be considered.

What a concept!

GD, December 29, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4731020

On a thread by pabsungenis:

The Palins need to read my recent blog entry.
http://cnx.com/?p=990

"Last night at a Christmas Party, everyone was suggesting baby names for our friends who are expecting twins.

This is a normal practice except for one thing. The father of said twins is named Bruce Wayne.

Yes, we call him �Batman.� To his face. He takes it in stride, too. Having that name, he has a firm grasp on one basic fact that many people in this world have a hard time coming to terms with:

Whatever you name your child, they are stuck with..."

response #1 by LisaM:

You're assuming a literacy rate among the Palins
that might be a reach.

Trip, or Tripp's, parents (I've seen it spelled both ways) haven't graduated from high school. Grams had to go to five different colleges. The First Dude can't explain why we should say snow machine instead of snowmobile. Why do you rate their abilities so high?

GD, December 29, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4733592

Poll question by scheming daemons:

Which group is more nuts?

:bluebox: Freepers who obsess over Obama's birth certificate

:bluebox: DUers who obsess over Bristol Palin's pregnancy

:bluebox: Neither.... They are both equally nuts

:bluebox: Neither.... They both have a valid point! Seriesly!!!! It's Hugh!!!11!!!

response #10 by TahitiNut:

Please don't say "nuts" like it's a Bad Thing. It's offensive to us Nuts.
Thanks. :hi:

* This is a public service posting on behalf of the International Association of Fruits & Nuts, Ad Hoc DU Chapter.

:silly:

** This message may or may not reflect the opinions of 1plain1peanut, AcadamiaNut, aquanut, B3Nut, blackwalnut, bobbonutrino, bozosleftnut, bulugnut, BUSHISNUTS, butternut, butternutty, buttnutt, Canadiangunnut, Carnut, CarNutAtl, CA_liberal_nut, Chanute, Coconut Buddha Ape, coconut55, CoconutMonkey, coconut_oil, conspiracy-nut, darlademnut, deeznuts, DemNutz, democratinutah, deznuts, deznutts, donut, donut33, donutrevolutionary, Donuts, donutwant, econut, elvisthenut, fleabitpeanutmonkey, fluffernutter, fordnut, FruityNuts, fuzzlenutz, gaygunnut, GnomesLeftNut, grapenut1998, graphixnut, gunnut12345, HangingSaddamByHisNutsack, hazelnut, HealthNut, Historynut, Jacknut, jakenuts, JaneDoughnut, JustFiveMoreMinutes, just_anuther_gurl, KnuteThingrich, KNUTSY, konominut, leftnut22, leftrightwingnut, leftwingnut, LeftyWingNut, Lefty_WingNut, Lela McNutt, Letters From A Nut, liberalgunnut, LiberalInUtah, lilpnut, Lonenut23, lonenutcracker, loosenut, Lugnut, MACanuto, madminute, MilsurpNut, Minuteman, Minutes, monkeynuts6969, monolithic_juggernut, Mr Peanut, Mr. Peanut, mrpeanut, my15minutes, NONnutcase, NoToCubanRepubnuts, nsaixphnutex, numinut, Nut Grinderswitch, Nutboy, nutcase, nutcracker420, nutcrakcer, nutgrass, nuthatch, nuthead2ub, Nutkinnews, Nutmeg, NutMeg021576, nutmeg08, Nutmeg1576, Nutmeg61, Nutmegger, NutmegJenny, NutmegYankee, nutmeg_express, Nutniks, nuton2wheels, nutone, nutria, Nutrino, NutritionFacts, Nuts, nuts101, nutsco101, nutshell2002, nutsnbolts, NutterFluffer, NuttinBut, nutty left, NuttyFluffers, nuttywoody, nututhissite, oaknut, omgiamgoingnuts, Opera Nut, ornanut, paolonutuni, peanut, Peanut Gallery, peanut3729, peanut57, peanutbrittle, PeanutButter, Peanutcat, PeanutGallery, PeanutOne, peanutz, Permanut, pnutbutr, pnutchuck, pnutfarmer, PoliSciNut, PolitiNut, PublicHealthNut, publichealthnut1, pucknut, Racenut20, reichwingnut, somenut, soulforpeanuts, soulforpeanutz, Soynut, spacenut, Spudnuts, superbeachnut, TahitiNut, the wingnuttiest, tofunut, twominuteshate, undamynutz, Unuttymuh, videonut, walnutpie, weenut1, Wingnut19, Wingnutblogger, Wingnutsawry, wwwalnut, or yoganut.

At press time, "Neither.... They are both equally nuts" was winning with 50% of the votes.

GD, December 29, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4731900

OP by mcctatas:

      I need help, my outrage center is malfunctioning...
I have lost the ability to become instantly outraged by things, my knee jerk responses have slowed to a snails pace, my righteous indignation deployment system refuses to engage and I have not made a sweeping generalization in weeks! Is there any hope for me?

response #2 by dawgmom:

      Have you checked your lividity levels?
Those might be a little low. That could explain it.
Also, have you been beside yourself lately? Sometimes when that happens, the other you becomes completely detached, leaving behind the half of you that just doesn't give a shit.

response #9 by flvegan:

      Your outrage center is obviously Windows based.

response #12 by krispos42:

      You probably flooded it
Try to start your outrage center without stepping on or pumping the gas, and push the choke off. Turn it over for a few seconds to clear out the cylinders, then give it a little bit of choke, turn the ignition key, and slowly pump the gas pedal once every couple of seconds.

Some people's outrage centers have direct-injection of righteous indignation. No more carburators. But what do you expect from an outrage center that's over 30 years old???

:-)

And see below for a Special Visual Achievement award from this thread.

The Lounge, December 29, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8365127

OP by RGBolen:

      Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston, really. Now if you can come up with a better
white trash baby name, I have a "Skynyrd" CD for the winner.

response #1 by ColbertWatcher:

      Levi Johnston. What do I win? n/t

response #3 by ocelot:

      In the Palin style of naming children after inanimate objects:
Faucet, Putty, Mucus, Saltine, Boxelder, Drywall, Bark, Toejam, Basket, Whistle, Trombone, Gum, Hacksaw or Blender.

response #4 by calimary:

      How 'bout Neiman and Marcus if she comes up with twins next time.
That'll be a hint as to what kind of baby gifts they'll expect (you listening, RNC?) the next time, since they've enjoyed such an astounding haul this time. One baby, and she's what? Eighteen? Think of how many pregnancies she's still got in her? They'll have time to start another one before the shotgun wedding that they claim will happen in '09.

My husband and I thought Cigar Butt and Ashtray would be good names for twins.

But if it's just a singleton, there's always the name her parents said they wished they could have used if they'd had another boy: Zamboni. Yeah. Zamboni. After that skating rink ice-cleaning machine. They thought that was a cool name.

Good GOD. :eyes:

response #27 by BerryBush:

      I know of a couple of figure skaters
who named their son Blade.

response #40 by salguine:

      I'll bet the kid loves french fried pertaders, mmm-hmm.

response #10 by TahitiNut:

      It's a commemoration of his conception? ("I tripped and fell on it, Mom.")
:evilgrin:

response #13 by LSparkle:

      Joe Dirt Kid Rock Deliverance Palin
!!!!

response #17 by DJ13:

      Jack Daniels
Corn Cob

Big Johnson

response #31 by NotGonnaTakeIt:

      Skoal Possum Spears

GD, December 29, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4733434

OP title by Ava:

i just caught the bag boy staring down my shirt at the piggly wiggly

File under: "Titles of Future Million-Selling Country Songs"

The Lounge, December 29, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8366066

Poll question by Cyrano:

      Worst prick of 2008?
Bush and Cheney are no brainers, so I won't include them.

But given that they are givens, who else do you think qualifies?

:bluebox: NY Times whore, William Krystal (who can't be left out of any prick contest)

:bluebox: Rush Limbaugh (who can't be left out of any prick contest)

:bluebox: Bill O'Reilly (who can't be left out of any prick contest)

:bluebox: Sean Hannity (who can't be left out of any prick contest)

:bluebox: Ann Coulter (who can't be left out of any prick contest)

:bluebox: Saxby Chambliss (Georgia Senator who can't be left out of any prick contest)

:bluebox: Joe Lieberman (who has worked his way into a prick contest)

:bluebox: Other

response #4 by NOW tense:

      "Joe The Plumber" is my vote.
honorable mentions go to all the above and:
Tucker Bounds
Dick Cheney
President Bush
Sarah Palin
and the 20% that still like George Bush

response #18 by Bucky:

      He was already a wanker gold medalist. But then bad mouthing McCain after the election....
... truly a masterly dickish performance. You can't learn that sort of assholery at college; you have to be born with that level of talent.

response #11 by Tangerine LaBamba:

      HEY!!!!!!!!
There are times when I pride myself on being a prick (but only when absolutely necessary), and, on behalf of my brother and sister pricks, I'd just like to say that I'm offended.

The dickwads, on the other hand, are jealous of the attention we're getting.

response #12 by EnviroBat:

      If ever there was a cruise ship sinking fantasy that I like to imagine.
You just listed the passenger manifest.

response #13 by Cyrano:

      Just a partial list. Everyone on DU is capable of filling out the entire manifest
All we need now is an iceberg and leaky lifeboats.

response #17 by EnviroBat:

      How about no lifeboats...
And the iceberg is actually an active volcano. Filled with explosives. The cruise ship is the SS WalMart, made in China. The life preservers are filled with toilet paper. I need to stop, I told myself I was going to practice being a nicer person in the coming new year.

:rofl:

response #20 by Bucky:

      You don't really need an iceberg. Just pose Limbaugh up on the bow like DiCaprio

response #31 by annabanana:

      Addington Cheney Bolton Gonzales Rice Goodling Sampson
Doan Mukasey North Taylor Libby Griffen Bush Rumsfeld "Brownie" Chertoff

Do we have to list all the media pricks? INDIVIDUALLY?. . .forget it I don't have the time left in 2008. .

At press time, "Joe Lieberman (who has worked his way into a prick contest)" was winning with 44% of the votes.

GD, December 30, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4738636

OP by geardaddy:

      What's your Palin name?

response #1 by XemaSab:

      Matanuska

response #2 by geardaddy:

      Boogler n/t

response #4 by flvegan:

      Valkyrie

response #7 by prodn2000:

      Limb

response #11 by LiberalEsto:

      Oxie
Oxie Contin

response #18 by JimGinPA:

      Kickstand
:evilgrin:

response #25 by jeff30997:

      Well...please don't laugh at me but...
My Palin name is...oh,I can't tell,nooo!

Well OK: Spermicide Palin !

Are you happy now ? :cry:

response #58 by astral:

      Well, that just brings to mind . . .
Trojan!

(I can't possibly be the first to come up with that one?)

response #28 by ThruTheLookingGlass:

      Coleman Lantern Bungee Palin

response #29 by graywarrior:

      Dweebfuck

response #31 by Dangerously Amused:

      Maverick.

response #32 by Aristus:

      Zipp.
Zipp Flye Palin.

That's me. B-)

response #33 by gmoney:

      Gipp
Full name: Gipp Reagun Turpentine Palin

response #34 by new_beawr:

      Michael

response #35 by kayakjohnny:

      Shiv

response #38 by mycritters2:

      Tripe. Treif. nt

response #48 by soleiri:

      Trapped
I'm pretty sure that's how I'd feel in that family.

response #50 by Will Robinson:

      Zep Palin n/t

response #62 by Demoiselle:

      Blip (eom)

response #63 by eridani:

      Cosine Tangent
Keeping with the family math theme.

response #64 by WinkyDink:

      Reed Enwright.

response #65 by krispos42:

      Denise
And Aunt Sarah calls my brother Denephew.

(okay, this would be funnier if I was female...) :-)

response #66 by ismnotwasm:

      Clap Palin
(Chlamydia for a girl)

response #67 by ThinkBlue1966:

      Vaughn Sherwood...
Two favorite goalie equipment companies back when i used to play!

response #68 by SalmonChantedEvening:

      Zamboni Buckshot.

response #69 by NoPasaran:

      Wankel

response #73 by RushIsRot:

      Thumb

response #74 by Amerigo Vespucci:

      Taint
Taint Palin at your service.

:rofl:

The Lounge, December 30, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8368441

On a thread by question everything:

      I admit, I did not know that Sasha's name is... Natasha

response #2 by babylonsister:

      Oh, noes! They're probably Russian@!1
:hide:

response #6 by Sebastian Doyle:

      NOW WATE A MINNIT, IM GETTIN MIGHTY CONFUSED HERE
HOW CAN HE BE RUSHIN IF HES A ISLAMOFASCIST JEW BLACK SUPREMICIST CHRISTIAN DEMONCRAT TERRORIST??222???? :crazy:

/batshit freep mode

response #11 by DJ13:

      So if they had a boy next were the Obamas going to name him Boris?

response #13 by merh:

      well they did have to put up with the antics of the
moose and the squirrel for a few months there. :silly:

GD, December 30, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4738855

On a thread by babylonsister:

      It's nice to be prepared, but is this weird?
"Roland Burris, the man Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich picked to succeed Barack Obama in the Senate, might get to etch another accolade into the monument he built for himself if this appointment goes through.

You see, Burris has already charted his esteemed career path on the walls of his future grave in Chicago's Oak Woods Cemetery... Beneath a seal of the state of Illinois, Burris lists his accomplishments to date, and there seems to be plenty of room above the bench to mention his career in the Senate - if he has one..."

response #16 by Bucky:

      Buying a headstone in advance is a smart move. But this set up could use a little more pomp
I think he needs a cathedral spire and a gator-filled moat to keep the riff raff out... and maybe a couple of giant bell towers manned by hunchbacks. This is entirely lacking in pomposity.

response #19 by el_bryanto:

      I'm planning on having a 50 foot statue of myself built
And when I die, circuitry within the statue will cause it to come to life and run amuck.

Still a few kinks in the system, though. Right now it just comes to life and passes out cookies, which is not really the intended effect.

response #34 by MilesColtrane:

      Looks like an eternal bus stop.
Just needs a newspaper vending machine and a guy with a cart selling pretzels.

GD, December 31, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4742621

Poll question by uppityperson:

      Happy New Year poll
Happy new year DU. And may next yr be less painful for most of us and the world than the last yr.

:bluebox: Happy New Year

:bluebox: Happy new year

:bluebox: happy new year

:bluebox: happy NEW year

:bluebox: hapy nw yr

:bluebox: happpy nwe ye

:bluebox: js<[u mre urst[br />
:bluebox: cheers

response #4 by shadowknows69:

      Meh buh glub Nyuk

response #5 by JoeIsOneOfUs:

      that next to last choice is to the RIGHT of Happy New Year!
x(

response #8 by LibInTexas:

      I miss the "I Like To Vote" category sometimes.

At press time, "cheers" was winning with 33% of the votes.

GD, December 31, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4747083

OP by undeterred:

      What's a good masculine scent for the Mens Room?
When I got to work today, that's what the guys were talking about... the facility manager asked for a recommendation.

:hurts:

response #2 by NightWatcher:

      Hint O' Ass
by Mennon

response #5 by ocelot:

      Jet fuel, Scotch, stale cigar smoke and urinal cakes.

response #6 by kentauros:

      Floor drippings?
Seems to be the preferred liquid-delivered scent I see in Houston restrooms.

response #9 by HypnoToad:

      "Larry Craig's Soul of Sole"
I never knew toe tapping had a scent, but there you have it...
:hide:

response #11 by SalmonChantedEvening:

      Eau D'eer Lawd
:D

And see below for a Special Visual Achievement award from this thread.

The Lounge, December 31, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8371925

OP by OneBlueSky:

Incredible story. Makes you think how smart animals really are!
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

This is for everyone who sends out those heart-warming bullshit stories. :rofl:

Happy New Year, everyone! . . .

GD, December 31, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4745674

OP by Rabrrrrrr:

      Match Game Story: "Happy New Year, whoopty blah blah, champagne and bunting, ___ the fucking lawn."
Fill 'er in.

Git 'er done.

response #1 by nuxvomica:

      ... the guests are enjoying the party...
... in the Naval Observatory, laughing, drinking, sipping Pernod and eating a special pate made from the tortured livers of endangered water fowl.

But where was their host?

A fireplace in the study stands cold and slightly ajar. It is the door to a secret passage and an ancient staircase that curves incessantly down, spiraling step after step into the very bowels of the city itself. Behind it�s walls lie the unrecorded artifacts of history. At 30 feet down, the crumbling remains of a certain Judge Crater, at 50 feet, Jimmy Hoffa. Amelia Earhart�s skeleton, still dressed in flight suit and goggles, lies at 70 feet. Another 30 feet down the rough-hewn stone hides the bones of someone who had been known only to a small group of officials as �The 2nd Gunman�. Relative depth does not recapitulate chronology in this tomb of unknowns for at 200 feet lies the most recent addition, a young man who had claimed to be a certain Mr. Johnston of Wasilla, Alaska. Just beneath him, Lincoln�s dog�s diet doctor, who had threatened ruining the pulp and paper industry with the bestselling memoir of all time.
At the point in this descent where even Dr. Scholl�s feet might tire, there is detectable a humming sound that grows louder at each downward footfall. The steps continue to spiral down, deeper and deeper, and the atmosphere is cold and slightly sulfuric. Finally, a huge metal door appears. It vibrates with the thrumming of whatever vast and terrifying machinery lay beyond it. It opens to a great room, bathed in a harsh green light. Demonic machinery lines the walls, all of it pumping and thrashing, screaming and sputtering as pistons rise and fall, wheels turn and cogs engage and scrape, in a seemingly pointless cacophony.
In the middle of the great room is a large stainless steel table. Surrounding it are intense, bespeckled men in white lab coats. They are government scientists discussing in whispers a matter of great importance, regarding the person lying on the table.
�It�s CY2K+9, I tell ya.� Says one.
�We were warned!� says another.
�And we did nothing� nothing,� answered a third.
�The blame game will get us nowhere!� responded the first scientist. �We know there�s only one way to fix this. We need to convince him that it�s not 2009. But how?�
A computer programmer among them offers �We can initialize the variable. Set it to zero. It�s all here in the specs.� He waves a large, unfolded piece of white paper, bearing instructions in 4 languages.
�But that,� said the first, �that would make him think it�s the year zero. That�s ancient times. He goes up to that party and the only guest he�s gonna recognize is McCain.�
The computer programmer thinks for a second. �If we initialize a subvariable, I think it will just set him back 50 years. He should still be able to convincingly carry on a cocktail party conversation anywhere inside the beltway after that.�

The clock in the main dining room struck 11:58 pm. Assembled guests had finally calmed down after the late arrival of their host caused a crescendo of nervous chatter. The balding, gray-haired gentlemen had just settled into an antique chesterfield and was conversing with his financial advisor.
�It�s all set, � remarked the financial advisor. �For tax purposes, you�ll receive the assets in the form of annual income of $876,000,000 from various dummy corporations. It�s pretty well locked down like that for 20 years.�
�Eh heh, eh heh,� responded the gentlemen. �That should be enough to keep me in control of several nefarious organizations. Nice work. Eh heh, eh heh.� Recognizing that his client was actually laughing, the advisor joined in.

In that cold green room far beneath them, a computer programmer was hurriedly compiling code. His last keystroke had just been entered, his monitor displayed �CHENEY ENHANCED COLD FUSION-POWERED PACEMAKER� REMOTE UPDATE COMPLETE�, and the clock struck midnight.

The FBI, the Secret Service, Military Police and District Police all filed reports on the early morning of January 1, 2009. Some of the details were in conflict but they all agreed on the main facts:
The alleged perpetrator was enjoying the New Year�s party in his normal manner until midnight. At that time, however, he suddenly froze for a few seconds then ran to his gun cabinet from which he produced a hunting rifle. He then turned to the alleged victim, shouted �Do you realize the fucking income tax rate is fucking 91%!�, chased the alleged victim out of the observatory and shot him dead on...

response #8 by nuxvomica:

      Erratum: "bespectacled" not "bespeckled"
I just noticed that. But if you like it better with "bespeckled" that's ok too. :D

The Lounge, December 31, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8370240

OP by Mira:

      A little levity for all the cooks I have learned to peek in on - and Happy New Year.
My cooking has 4 levels:

Level 1: My spouse and I will eat it.
(example: tuna sandwiches)

Level 2: My spouse and I won't eat it, but the dogs will eat it.
(example: moderately burned chocolate chip cookies)

Level 3: The dogs won't eat it, but the chickens will eat it.
(example: rice prepared with one cup rice to one cup water)

Level 4: The chickens won't eat it.
(example: potatoes microwaved without stabbing first, aka potato-
based charcoal briquets)

May all your cooking be Level 1.

response #2 by Tangerine LaBamba:

      Level 4
Putting a chunk of lasagna, uncovered, of course, into the microwave, and somehow hitting 11 instead of 1 minute. And then leaving the kitchen and forgetting about it................

response #5 by Warpy:

      I never bother to stab potatoes before I nuke them
When was the last time one exploded in the microwave?

If you're getting charcoal briquets, you've simply set the timer wrong.

Moderately burned chocolate chip cookies are fine. It's called a microplane, and it removes sins from the bottoms of cookies as well as grating that super expensive nubbin of cheese over your spaghetti.

There is a level 5: pigs and goats won't eat it. That means you've managed to achieve deadly poison in the kitchen.

response #6 by grasswire:

      that microplane might work....
...as a ped egg, too!

response #8 by Phentex:

      Level 6 - Smoke alarm goes off and no one moves...
because as my son said "It's just mom cooking."

In my defense, the blasted thing is extra sensitive. I don't even have to be burning anything and it will go off.

Does anyone here remember when I ruined a pot cooking food for the dogs? :D

response #9 by wryter2000:

      May I add my level 5?
Level 5: So awful I'm afraid the garbage guys might see it in the trash, so I bury it in the back yard.

Level 6: Level 5 so bad all vegetation over the grave dies.

Happy New Year!

Cooking & Baking Group, December 31, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=236x52184

On a thread by AspieGrrl:

      At what age do people start thinking in words?

response #1 by billyskank:

      About 31 years.

response #6 by hunter:

      I'm still waiting...
I'm middle age and I still have to translate f...ing everything.

No people around, no me writing, and there's not a single &^%$#&%$&^(&!!! word in my head. My halls of language are full of stinking garbage, and the damned word fairy in my brain is off in the corner having seizures or schizophrenic Ezekial-talks-to-God rants, and I just have to ignore him. Wouldn't be so bad except for all the drool and spittle. And the rats. Big, mean, nasty rats, with glowing eyes and fleas. What they want, I don't know. But they bite, and they'd chew your toes or pecker off as you slept.

When I wantto wake the word-man up I kick his sorry ass, his ribs, or hell, his balls or kidneys if he's way out of it in woo-woo land.

Hey you! Yeah you, you blithering idiot. I need you to make me some words!

NOW!

I had to rip off a fingernail for this one. Luckily he grows 'em back fast. An he's Catholic too, so the poor bastard thinks the suffering brings him closer to God.

Who the hell knows?

The Lounge, January 1, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8373940

On a thread by Redstone:

Can there POSSIBLY be anything more fucking lame than a "tribute band?"

response #22 by mitchum:

One should be able to pay the cover with Monopoly money

The Lounge, January 1, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8372570

On a thread by demdog78:

It's NOT a Fucking Leap Year!

response #4 by 11 Bravo:

Yeah, it is. It's the year the jug-eared little prick finally leaps off of the world stage ...
(and hopefully lands in the Hague).

GD, January 1, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4749396

OP by 20score:

Koppel: �In Fairness To Bush, There Were A Couple Of Days That Didn�t Suck�
New York - In a new Ted Koppel special, A Look Back On The 21st Century, Ted Koppel joins forces with other well-known journalists to document how the country and the world have fared in the last eight years. The project will focus on the Bush administration as it opens on January 2001 and ends with Barack Obama�s speech delivered November 4, 2008, to mark the end of an era.

�We tried to be even handed and fair in our treatment of the Bush administration,� said Ted Koppel. �We are serious journalists, after all. The special will document the lies and incompetence of Bush and his cabal of Torquemada worshipping sycophants. But we will stick to the facts and be as unbiased as possible.�

�You see,� chimed in Dan Rather, collaborator on the PBS special. �We will delve deeper into what went wrong the last eight years than just the war and the economy. But we don�t judge. Is a mosquito wrong to suck blood and spread disease? No, of course not. Same with Cheney and the rest. They�re just being themselves.�

�The difference with us is that we will cover the good things Bush did, too,� said Mr. Koppel. �The normal Bush-Hater will say there has been a non-stop, daily cascade of evil flowing from the Bush White House. But we also cover October 25th, 2007 when nothing illegal was done� See, that day didn�t suck.�

�And May 14th, 2006 was a beautiful day in DC,� continued Mr. Rather. �They didn�t screw that up.�

GD, January 1, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4750942

On a thread by Amerigo Vespucci:

      O'Reilly: This song will offend some people, but to report on this, we have to play some of it

response #3 by oldnslo:

      "O'Reilly the Magic Asshole" sounds more appropriate.......n/t

response #6 by stlsaxman:

      How about "O'Reilly the Tragic Asshole"
"He's Tragically Malicious!"

Political Videos, January 1, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=385x254512

OP by SidneyCarton:

      Which posts will be on the "Greatest" list on January 21st?
"Bill O'Reilly to host show on Food Network, first show will make falafels?"
"Anyone else have trouble finding a bathroom in DC?"
"Blago's hair inflated with money from lobbyists?"

Anyone else have any ideas???

response #1 by MercutioATC:

      "Warren delivers invocation, Earth continues to revolve"

response #4 by WI_DEM:

      Obama has been a disappointment

GDP, January 2, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8051339

OP by swampg8r:

      if i was in obamas shoes...
i would probably have to give them back
we arent the same size and the secret service hates when you take the presidents shoes

response #7 by cyndensco:

      I expected you to say
you would take them off and hurl them at your predecessor.

response #8 by swampg8r:

      i couldnt get them on in the first place
i would have to go directly to the hurling

GDP, January 2, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8050659

On a thread by oneshooter:

      Questions for the DU
I have two questions for the forum. These are just to satisfy my own curiosity.

#1. What is an "assault rifle" to you?

#2. If you could change any one gun law in the US. Or add one gun law, what would it be?

#3. Why would you change/add that law...

response #4 by ocelot:

      OK.
An assault rifle is a rifle you assault people with.
I'd like to suggest a gun law that required all guns owned by stupid people to be made of cardboard.

response #6 by KitchenWitch:

      With spitball ammo.

response #9 by jasonc:

      How about just a pile of paper
and they have to make their own spitballs?

response #17 by ZombieHorde:

      Answers to your two questions (sorry, I couldn't resist.)
#1 If the video game says its an assault rifle, I don't question it.

#2 I don't know.

#3 For good reasons.

Guns, January 2, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=118x195940

OP by graywarrior:

      I want to create a thread that never dies.
Is that asking too fucking much? Cheeiz.

response #1 by Ptah:

      IBTR
In Before The Rest.

response #3 by CreekDog:

      My five year old learned an important lesson today...
you have to be that good, well, better now that the idea is taken. :rofl:

response #6 by graywarrior:

      Hey, the Monkees lasted longer than they should have

response #4 by flvegan:

      There is no want. There is only do and not do.
And Mountain Dew.

response #7 by azmouse:

      Kinda like Velveeta?
It's the cheese that never dies! :D

response #8 by graywarrior:

      Yeah, like that!
Empty, but filled with the hope of maybe.

response #119 by two gun sid:

      You give good thread!!!
Let's keep this going and have a good night, graywarrior!

response #126 by graywarrior:

      This is where I'd mention that I have false teeth, but it ain't true
:rofl:

response #152 by Drunken Irishman:

      Who wants to bet when it will die?
I have January 14th.

response #157 by graywarrior:

      The significance of 1/14?

response #159 by Drunken Irishman:

      The world is ending!

response #169 by Orsino:

      The threads that end with dignity do not die.
The threads that go on and on, pointlessly, die a thousand deaths.

response #172 by tekisui:

      Locking.
:P

response #211 by arcadian:

      This is taking forever. n/t

And follow the link to treat yourself to a raft of disturbing visuals.

The Lounge, December 26, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8358611

OP by babylonsister:

      I'm not angry. Happy holidays to all, and I'm looking forward to
future possibilities, like the Inauguration and all the fun surrounding that.

That's all we can do, isn't it?

Ha! Not on your life! We can line up our gripes and prepare to make our complaints known. That's what's going to happen and will be expected.

I think it's pretty normal.

So, I'm very happy PE Obama and entourage have found a good place to nest.

response #1 by TomInTib:

      Well, Ho Ho Ho and Happy Happy Joy Joy
You know, as well as I, that The Imposter is gonna kill The Queers and Take Our Gunz.

My fillings are a'tingling.

I am hiding in the litter-box.

They will never find me, there.

response #2 by babylonsister:

      Oops. I was responding, not starting.
And you! :) I'll call you, PM me your number, if you want.

response #4 by TomInTib:

      OK

Edited on Sat Dec-27-08 02:05 AM by TomInTib

on edit

Oh, damn, I thought it was a PM

GDP, December 27, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8036731

On a thread by BunkerHill24:

      How can you watch tellevision????

response #4 by MineralMan:

      Normally, I watch it
sitting in a recliner. Sometimes, though, I watch it in bed.

I can watch it by pushing the button on the television set, or I can do it with one of my remote controls.

In the mornings, I can even watch children's programming, where I can learn to spellevision tellevision.

response #8 by QuestionAll:

      with a 60-inch 1080p plasma, it's pretty godamn easy.
add the yahama rx-z1 reciever and combination of ohm and b&w speakers with svs and snell subwoofers to form a homemade "surround system", and the viewing experience is muy fantastico.
smoke some bongs, and it gets even better.

response #9 by MineralMan:

      I can watch it
in a chair.
I can watch it anywhere.

I could watch it all my life.
I can watch it with my wife.

I can watch it for the news.
I can watch it 'til I snooze.

I can watch it if I please.
I can watch it while I sneeze.

I can watch it when I'm ill.
I can watch it for a thrill.

I can watch my TV set,
As long as I don't get it wet.

GD, December 30, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4737842

On a locked thread:

      rick warren
blah blah blah
palin blah blah blah
primary fights blah blah blah
mudslides blah blah blah
new dogs blah blah blah
gaza blah blah blah

response #12 by wakemeupwhenitsover:

      Blah, blah, blah,
locking. Blah, blah, blah. Locking. Blah, blah, blah.

beset,
wakemeupwhenitsover

GDP, December 27, 2008

On a locked thread:

      Bin Laden Slapped America in the face..now he wants to clench his hand and punch us into submission

response #54 by WesDem:

      Locking
I hope your hangover hurts like hell this morning.

GD, December 30, 2008

On a thread by The Sushi Bandit:

      FDA Approves Eyelash Growth Drug - We are Saved!!!

response #2 by 4MoronicYears

Health, December 27, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=222x49414

OP by Career Prole:

      Laura Bush looks great!

response #4 by DJ13

response #7 by faygokid

response #10 by givemebackmycountry

response #24 by TahitiNut

response #29 by SoCalDem

responses #36 & #40 by Swamp Rat

response #47 by Skittles

response #54 by SalmonChantedEvening

GD, December 28, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4727705

On a thread by Poiuyt:

      Tony Romo collapses in the shower

response #3 by KamaAina

Sports, December 29, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=215x80841

On a thread by firedupdem:

      Meet Baby Tripp

response #1 by DJ13

GDP, December 29, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8043644

On a thread by freedomnorth:

      As if Things Weren't Bad Enough, Russian Professor Predicts End of U.S.

response #3 by KamaAina

Editorials & Other Articles (moved from LBN), December 29, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=103x412108

On a thread by FrenchieCat:

      No, Barack Obama is no "Magic Negro"......in fact, he's not even Magic!

response #1 by Swamp Rat

GDP, December 29, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8043999

On a thread by mcctatas:

      I need help, my outrage center is malfunctioning...

response #14 by Gidney N Cloyd

The Lounge, December 29, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8365127

On a thread by IndianaGreen:

      Scientists plan to ignite tiny man-made star

response #8 by Poll_Blind, responding to response #7 by salvorhardin

Science, December 29, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=228x47874

On a thread by n2doc:

      The Bacon Explosion!

response #1 by Heidi

response #2 by Winebrat

response #8 by no name no slogan

response #13 by flvegan

response #14 by mcctatas

response #20 by Forkboy

response #15 by MilesColtrane

response #26 by leeroysphits

The Lounge, December 29, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8364589

OP by GarbagemanLB:

      Best advertisement, ever?

GDP, December 31, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8048086

OP by Are_grits_groceries:

      Staples Advertises 6400 Gig Hard Drive; Singularity Quickly approaching.

response #1 by Vickers

response #2 by Liberal_Lurker

response #11 by derby378

GD, December 31, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4743200

On a thread by babylonsister:

      Conservatives Preparing For Coleman Defeat

response #8 by Swamp Rat

GD, December 31, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x4745444

On a thread by undeterred:

      What's a good masculine scent for the Mens Room?

response #17 by Oeditpus Rex

The Lounge, December 31, 2008: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8371925