Custody of children and visitiation question...

[greenbriar]

My bro in law was in an aweful 5 year marriage. They had 2 stillborna babies and then finally two beautiful kiddos. The Boy is 5 Today and the little girl is 3 After a very rocky 5 years, they split up for good after being off and on for most of that 5 years.

He joined the Army and is on his way to Iraq in the next few weeks. He is stationed in Washington State and ex lives in Kansas.

He came back on the 22nd of December and stayed till the 3rd of Jan.

X has been pretty relaxed on letting him see the kids when ever he is on leave (as she should because she pretty much gets half of what ever he earns including bonus)

She also lets us see the kiddos when ever we want. We usually get them one weekend a month as we live 2 hours away.

My QUESTION is...

would any x keep you from seeing your kids?

He made no attempt to see his kids at all during the time he was here because "he didn't want to deal with her bullshit" SO...he did not see them for Christmas nor did he spend any time with his son before his birthday

WTF???

I am really ashamed of him that he made no attempt to see his kids. It is like since he joined the army, he has forgotten the last 7 years and forgotten that he has kids.

He got together with all his buddies but not once saw his kids.


GRRRRRRRRR I am so mad.

I practically raised the son when he was 6 months old till he was 3 as the bro in law lived with us and had him 90 % of the time.

I love that boy like he was my own, and if given the choice, that boy would gladly live with me.

[Warpy]

1. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess.

As infuriating as it is, a lot of men are wired just like that. Oh, they'll claim they love their kids and might even shed a few tears, but not enough to admit they lost the woman who bore them and let the relationship go enough to keep contact with their kids.

Please stay in their lives. Aunts and uncles can tell them what they need to know when they start having questions about daddy, what he looks like, where he is, and all that.

I hope the guy is able to grow up enough to realize his kids need to know him, to know he didn't abandon them, he and their mom just couldn't live together.

At least with you in their lives, they'll know they didn't lose that half of their family completely.

[greenbriar]

2. I would adopt the boy tomorrow if the opportunity arises.

the baby girl isn't as used to us because they split up for good when the baby was 7 months old and we haven't had her around us as long.



Bubby calls us all the time and we email back and forth

I will always be his "Aunt Greenbriar"

and when he comes to stay with us, he never wants to leave.

[Xithras]

7. It's not a man thing.

I know a 27ish year old woman right now with a 4 year old son. Dad got primary custody thanks to a good attorney, she quit visiting after a few months, and now hasn't seen her kid in over a year. When my wife asked her when she was going to go visit him, she complained that she couldn't get time off work and was too tired after work to make the long drive to see him (he lives 100 miles away). Keep in mind that, as she was saying this, she was standing in my living room after just driving 150 miles for a holiday visit. She's rather visit my wife, a childhood friend, than her own kid. At Christmastime no less.

Some people just aren't wired to be parents IMHO.

[Hello_Kitty]

15. Agreed. My husband's ex has nothing to do with the kids.

So much for that so-called maternal instinct. I couldn't agree more that some PEOPLE shouldn't be parents.

[seabeyond]

10. i know this is an easy trend for men. surprisingly seems to be an easy trend for women too

both my sister in laws were not nurturing, were able to let go of kids and this was with fathers that encouraged the mothers to be a part of the kids lives and they didnt and havent. i dont get it.

but these two women have shown me not just a male thing. though i do see it a lot with men.

and just to be clear, and then i have the chance of seeing fathers that are very nurturing and really really want to be the primary care taker.

just saying

[Warpy]

12. General rules aren't disproven by citing exceptions to them

but yes, there are nurturing fathers and callous mothers. The courts are finally starting to catch up to that fact and award custody accordingly when the two can't agree to share in any reasonable manner.

[seabeyond]

16. i know and see where the trend goes. i hear ya. i am just seeing more and more female lacking

the nurturing that use to be more the norm.

i dont get either gender able to do that.

i know as messed up as both brothers are in their ways, all three of us are very nurturing. i have to figure it is in our parents parenting.

[madeline_con]

3. A lot of men walk away, leaving grieving kids behind.

The children grow up not understanding why, and feeling broken.

It's sad and it really sucks. He should get past "her bullshit" and deal with it. Having screaming arguments in front of the kids is not the best avenue for women to take, either. Both parents need to grow up.

[11 Bravo]

4. HER bullshit is no excuse for abandoning HIS responsibilities.

Your brother-in-law needs to grow the fuck up.

[knitter4democracy]

5. I wonder if there's more going on he couldn't tell you.

Got together with Army buddies? They would understand what he's been through. Maybe he's worried that the kids won't remember him anymore or that he might lose his temper with them or have trouble in the night that he doesn't want the kids knowing about.

Then again, I'm in the midst of a divorce myself, and my STBX makes all sorts of promises to the kids and then disappears with his gf. Ugh. That, I seriously don't get.

[greenbriar]

8. no, he got together with his HS buddies

the last 2 times he has been back on leave he spent 3 days each with his kids


he is just reliving his teen years as he got married at 19

[knitter4democracy]

9. Oh. Ack.

That's just messed up, then. He needs to be with his kids every chance he gets.

[Lyric]

6. No, I would never abandon my kid even if it meant dealing with an ex that I hated.

My own ex did precisely this, abandoning our son before he was even BORN. He has never bothered to see him or contribute in any way. I am over his rejection of *me*, but I will never forgive him for rejecting his own child.

People who abandon and/or reject their children are monstrous, to me. If I found out that a friend had done something like that, then that person would NOT be my friend any longer.

[Warpy]

13. Good for you

Almost all divorced people go through a period of hating each other, then there is an uncomfortable period when they're two people who just know too much about each other, and if they can grow up enough to deal with that, they often find they can work together to raise the kids.

Kids who have parents walk away always feel it's something they did wrong, that's the hell of it all.

[NashVegas]

11. Your Relative Is Avoiding Dealing With His Shit Right Now

And going to stay in a war zone didn't help, I'm sure.

Good luck with the emotional support department; that's probably all you can do until he's ready to face reality.

I have a young relative who had the misfortune to hook up with a total mess. Getting mad at him just reinforces his feelings of worthlessness and doesn't help him get off his butt at all.

[noamnety]

14. I would cut him some slack

He's dealing with some serious stuff in going to Iraq, and what's in his head is something we can only guess at. It's normal - entirely normal - to be very withdrawn from family in that situation. It may not sound rational to someone who hasn't deployed to a combat zone, and that's fine ... I think it's something for you all to put in a "not something I can necessarily understand" pile. It's a defense mechanism on some level, and part of what some people HAVE to do to mentally brace themselves.

In your situation, I think the best thing you can do for both the kids and him is encourage the kids to send him drawings and even write a little if the 5 year old is up to that. Don't promise that he will write back. I think that's far more productive than stewing in anger at him, and letting that rub off on the x or (indirectly) the kids. He may not have earned that courtesy, but your job is to do what's best for the kids, not punish him.