Need a little advice, or to know if I did ok. Please read, it's important to me.

[Mother Of Four]

My 12 year old daughter, the baby of my four, came to me the other day and told me that she didn't know if she liked boys or girls.

We live in NC, in a small town of 5k, and bigotry here is rampant.

I found out about it when one of her friends called, and was going to conference call with another girl. I called my daughter down and while I was waiting the two girls were talking.

Girl "Hey, pretend you like me."
Friend "Why..."
Girl "Well you really like Daughtersnamehere right?"
Friend "Yes, alot"
Girl "Make her jealous, pretend you like me and want to go on a date."
Friend "No, that would be mean."

Me "Girls, you know I'm on the phone right?"
Silence
Me "It's fine, just a word of advice...if you like someone tell them. Head games aren't a good idea."
Friend "Yes'm, I think it's a bad idea too"
Girl "Sorry Mrs Mynamehere"

My Daughter gets on the phone, goes and talks a bit. Comes back downstairs about an hour later.

I pat the chair next to me, and say "Sweetheart, is there something you want to tell me?"
My daughter looked at the ground (It broke my heart, it was like she was ASHAMED.) and said that Friend told her I had heard.
She then went on to haltingly tell me that she didn't know if she liked boys or girls, and that she thinks about girls alot.
She was pale, and wouldn't look at me.
She then asked me in a very quiet voice if I was angry.
I hugged her and told her "No, absolutely not angry at all."
Her head snapped up and there was nothing but surprise there.

Here's where I get concerned that I totally screwed up-
She wanted to know how I felt, really felt. She asked me if I was happy.
I have a belief that you need to be honest with your kids. Honest when you mess up, honest about what you feel.
I told her that I wasn't angry, that I love her with all my heart, but that I was also a little worried and sad.

She asked me why.
I told her that with the laws right now, if she does like girls and finds someone to love they aren't allowed to be married and have everyone in the US support that right. That with what happened with her uncle and him deciding to pass away at home instead of be treated in the hospital because his partner wasn't allowed to be there(ICU) it makes me sad and scared to know that if things don't change something equally bad could happen to her.

(She's a young lady that's looked around and said "When I grow up, I want some of my own children and I want to adopt.")

I told her that adoption for same gender couples is much more difficult, and that makes me sad as well.

I told her that I love her, love her so much that it felt it was going to spill out of my skin...that she is who she is and there isn't anyone out there that has the right to decide for her who she should care for.

I also told her that people fall in love with who's inside, not a gender.

She looked at me, with that look she gives of half disbelief and have wonder and says "I can't believe you aren't mad, Friend's parents are telling her she's just confused and rebelling and theres no way she could be gay."

I put my hand on her knee and looked her straight in the eye and replied that I was NOT angry, that I'm not from here and I would never ever be angry for who she is.

Then I addressed the confusion and said "Yes, it's confusing. Yes, all teens and preteens go through a time when they don't know what they want. Some with only boys, some with both boys and girls, some with only girls..but there is no "JUST" about it. It's a huge thing, it's an important thing and I would never disrespect you like that."

Did I screw up with being totally honest with her?
Did I screw up by letting her know what she may have to face in 7-10 years?
Did I screw up by letting her know that I was sad and scared for her, should I have just left it at 'I love you.' ?

I've been beating myself up about this, and really need some input.

[meegbear]

1. You did OK ...

the main thing is that she needs to know that you will support her and be there for her. This is a "brave new world" for you and can be a shock.

Just make sure she knows you love her.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

55. on an unrelated note... i love this

"Changing your username doesn't mean you're no longer an asshole."

[Tangerine LaBamba]

2. You're wonderful

Take a bow, Mom. Every parent in the world should read your post.

Every kid in the world should have a mother like you.

:toast:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. You said exactly the right things!

You love her, you accept her, and you told her exactly right!

I think she's old enough to hear that you're scared for her if it turns out that she's a lesbian...

I don't think you have anything to worry about, I really don't.

What you said, and the way you said it, has opened the door for her to trust you, to allow her to come to you again for further discussions.

It's a very difficult topic, and you handled it perfectly.

:hug:

[Jankyn]

4. I wish you were my mother...

...although I'm waaaay too old to be your daughter (more likely your aunt).

30 years ago, when I came out to my mother at the age of 18, she told me that if she'd known I was going to become a homosexual, she'd have smothered me in my crib.

You did just fine. Hugs from me.

[Mother Of Four]

28. I'm so sorry she said that to you-

I can't imagine a situation where someone could say that to their child.

:hug: and thank you.

[movonne]

5. I think you did a really good job...I just hope that if it turns out that

she is gay that the world will be more open...after all who thought that this country would elect a black man...so change has come...good luck...

[babylonsister]

6. You were super. I think it's wonderful that you have

such a great, open relationship with your daughter. I think you did just the right thing. Your support must mean a lot. Good job, Mom!

[LostinVA]

7. I do think you screwed up some

Please know I'm not snarking on you, and you did alot better than many parents would. However, you may have just frightened your daughter back in the closet and into making her feel like she has to like boys. Things ARE tough for GLBT people in the US -- I am personally aware of that. But, something similar was said to me when I was 14, and I didn't 100% accept myself until I was in my late 20's. The problem is with other people, not your daughter, but I'm afraid she'll think it's with her to an extent.

And, even though there isn't any Federal protection right now, there are states you can marry in, and states you can marry in even though it's called something different by the rights are the same (NJ). Even in NC there are great progressive areas to live, which you know.

I think the best thing to do is to sit down and tell her you screwed up, and talked about practical adult concerns, which have no real place in YOUr accepting who she is, and in your daughter accepting who she is. I mean it: you really need to talk to her about this,NOW,or she is in for some sad personal times ahead, way worse than anything your town in NC can dish out (I lived in NC for 17 years, and my parents still do, btw). She doesn't need to have sex with boys, etc., just to prove something to someone else, or even to you. It's THEIR problem, not hers. Also, be aware than NC has a strict anti-bullying law that covers sexual orientation.

Check online for where the nearest PFLAG chapter is -- no matter where you are in NC, one will be closeish. Give them a call or an email... to help YOU handle it.

I'm hoping this is an honest OP. If not...

[Mother Of Four]

9. It is an honest OP-

That was what I was worried about, I'm at war with being honest with her- and not scaring the crap out of her.

I will talk to her about it tonight, and fix the screw up. I just hope I didn't do too much damage.

I don't know what PFLAG is, I'll go look it up.

(EDIT: I just looked it up, I wish I had know about it before with my family history. The closest chapter is over an hour away EDIT AGAIN: I take that back, 51 miles away. )

The only thing thats going through my head right now is "shit shit shit shit! I DID screw up!"

:(

[LostinVA]

11. Shhhhhh

It's okay. Trust me, talk to some of the GLBT DUers on this site: you didn't screw up that badly, and it's totally fixable. Some on here (not me) had parents who sent them to Ex Gay camps and "therapists."

Email or call your closest PFLAG -- they probably have someone who can call you, or even come and talk to you. They are a great organization.

If you want, keep me posted. I'm very interested in how your daughter does! And you, of course!

[Mother Of Four]

29. We were making some chocolate chip oatmeal cookies this afternoon-

I can't eat them because they are WAYYYY too sweet. They have caramel on top. She was chit chatting away, and I asked her "Did I upset you when we talked?"

She said "No, it's fine mom. Me, friend and friend 2 were talking about our recent events in class and that marriage thing they shot down in California. Don't worry, it won't stay like that."

It took everything I had not to cry, I just simply said "I love you punkinseed."

I didn't know what to say, but she's so much more vibrant and happy, and she didn't disappear when she went to talk on the phone tonight- she sat smack in the living room visiting away with Friend.


I guess I panicked because I know how my Grandmother treated my two uncles, and I don't want to unintentionally make my little girl think or feel in any way the way my Grandmother did to them. The one that went home to pass away, she didn't go stay with him/visit even though he was terminal.

Camps/therapists for something like this ...to "cure" it? I can't wrap my mind around doing something like that. You don't "cure" your height, you don't "cure" your eye color, or your melanin count. It just doesn't make sense to me.

:hug: Thank you btw, very much. I value and admire honest opinions.

[robinlynne]

45. fantastic! Youth. And sh'es right, it will not stay like that!

[BirminghamExaminer]

70. I'm a proud mother of a gay 21 year old son

My son came out to me when he was 16. I had suspected he might be gay for many years but then he had had a girlfriend for about 9 months so I thought I'd been wrong. He sent me an email and told me he knew that we (my husband and I) were good liberals and yada yada yada but he was afraid to actually speak to me in person. The first thing I did was go upstairs and call him downstairs and hug him. I told him that I loved him and that his being gay was just one facet of who he is and that I was glad he told me about it.

My only concern has been that his life might be slightly more difficult than it would be if he weren't gay. But I have told him that I am happy to have a gay son and I mean that.

I think you did okay. The main thing is that she knows you love her and don't think differently about her. She is still your "pumpkinseed" (I think that's what you called her).

She is the same person she always was and the person that you have loved all of her life. That won't change and that's the main thing she needs to know. She does need to know that you will do whatever you can to support her and that if she has questions you can't answer, you will help her find the answers.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Let yourself feel the things you're going to feel. You will worry about it just as you will worry when she goes to get her driver's license. It's a normal part of being a parent. Don't deny your feelings to yourself at least. You don't have to tell her what your worries are, but you need to talk to someone about them. That is where PFLAG can be useful if you don't know other parents and family of gay children.

She is only 12 years old so I wouldn't be worrying about marriage and children at this point. My main concern for my son is the possibility of him being a victim of a hate crime. And I think the chances of that happening are pretty slim but just like when my children were little, I worried about them being kidnapped and so I think it's natural to worry about the worst case scenario.

I hope you will get involved in PFLAG and HRC (human rights campaign). Both are excellent organizations that seek to educate the public. I wrote an article recently about the AFA (American Family Association is a fundamentalist group) boycotting some companies because they support their LGBT employees and customers and I hope you will read that and buy Pepsi :)

AFA boycotts Pepsi for donating to Straight for Equality

There is a link in my bio (up by my picture if you go to the article) to my email address if you want to talk more about your feelings concerning your daughter. I know what you're going through and would be glad to talk with you about it.

Karen Harper

[lunatica]

12. You will have a lifetime to talk to your daughter about this

Stop trying to beat yourself up. Just remember that the good parents are the ones who try, who keep coming back to make it better, who speak from their hearts and who always put their kids needs first.

You don't need a do-over here. You'll be talking honestly and lovingly to each other for the rest of your lives.

[murielm99]

13. When my daughter came out, I told her that I loved her

and accepted her. I told her that I wished that she had told me sooner. She could have used the family support.

I worry about her safety. I told her that, too. I still worry about her safety, and she is 29. I am hurt by all the things that hurt her.

Our nearest PFLAG is quite a distance away. I went to their website, and I talked to some people there. I read some of their literature. You may or may not need more support. Just love your daughter.

I don't know if she is your only child. We all have dreams and hopes for our children. But they surprise us by having their own personalities and interests. If we have preconceived ideas about how any of our children should turn out, we are leaving ourselves open to a lot of heartache. This is true whether they are gay or straight.

[Brazenly Liberal]

25. There used to be a national chapter of PFLAG that "met" online

I'll see if I can find it for you.

You did fine. Yes, it might have scared her, but you can fix that. The main thing, the most important thing, is that she knows she still has you and your unconditional love.

When my oldest told me he was gay, I screwed up by NOT mentioning my worries about the way the world would treat him. He could see the hesitation in me then and on other occasions and misinterpreted it to think I was having some degree of doubt about him. We finally sorted it out, but the thing is that when a kid comes out to his/her parents, it's a lot like so many other parenting moments - really, really easy to screw up, but fixable as long as the unconditional love is there and you both keep talking.

[Maat]

42. As a proud member of my local PFLAG ..

Parents, Family, Friends of Lesbians and Gays ... at www.pflag.org ... I strongly urge you to go and get in touch with your closest PFLAG. Ellen Degeneres' mom is on the national board. PFLAGers will welcome you with open arms, and your daughter, and help you deal with it all.

I'm here to support you, Mom.

And, in my opinion, you didn't screw up. There are things that you could add to the discussion, and Lost delineated them; but, she is going to understand that people aren't perfect, and that Mom is doing her best and will do her best. PFLAG actually has information on the site about how to deal with this situation. It is well-thought-out.

On edit:
I really like the idea of going to the national site, looking up information, and maybe then pursuing an online chapter if there isn't a local one.

Congrats on a wonderful daughter!

Please PM me if you need some people to talk to (people that I HIGHLY respect); I will give you their phone numbers.

FINALLY (and then I'll stop babbling), we Californians are going to right the wrong out here - see my sigline - we are trying!

[robinlynne]

18. I disagree. I think you did beautifully all the way around. What you said you are

sad about is NOT your daughter or who she is. It is about our nation,and the values some people have. There is NOTHING wrong with being sad about the war in Iraq, or bigotry. It is so different to say you are sad about external events, while praising your daughters' feelings, than to criticize who your daughter is. So I disagree strongly with above poster, and I applaud you.
I think you have opened up real communication, instead of pretending the world is all peachy keen. It is clear that whatever difficulties your daughter ever faces in life, she will have you by her side to hold her hand and talk them through. What could be more loving than that?

[Mother Of Four]

30. Thank you.

So much.

(EDIT:) Wanted to let you know that this is what moved me to say thank you-
"It is clear that whatever difficulties your daughter ever faces in life, she will have you by her side to hold her hand and talk them through. What could be more loving than that?"

Parenting doesn't come with a handbook, or instruction manual. Lost was right though, it could have very easily gone south in a bad way. I got lucky.

:hug:

I appreciate your post.

[LostinVA]

33. I was giving her my experience of having the same thing said to me at the same age

It made me fearful and afraid.

You act like I'm attacking the poster when I'm not. She asked for opinions and advice, and I gave it to her: she acted like a loving mother, but she did screw up some some, and PFLAG agrees. This needs to be an ongoing dialogue, so the OP can easily "tweak things."

[Mother Of Four]

38. I appreciated it too-

The last thing I want to do is scare her, or make her fearful of being herself.

I'm just relieved that she's ok, and that they had already been talking about equal rights and such in school.

I get the feeling that if she HADN'T already been talking about it, and wasn't already aware...it would have scarred her. I don't think I could have forgiven myself for that.

[Duende azul]

61. Even if you think you could have scared her - parents aren´t perfect.

I think best part was how you told her friends:
"It's fine, just a word of advice...if you like someone tell them. Head games aren't a good idea."
Spontaneous and just right. And indirectly your daughter´s friends know now that your on their side.

Only one thing seems uneasy to me:"I pat the chair next to me, and say "Sweetheart, is there something you want to tell me?""
(Perhaps it´s because I´m not american and I don´t get this style.) That seems to put her in a position to confess something where nothing is to confess. (I always hated this with my parents). Since you were the one with the need to talk perhaps it would have been better to say: "I want to tell you something. I´m sorry, I unintentionally listened to a conversation that wasn´t meant for me."
And "just in case" you let her know that you wouldn´t mind what gender ever she would be interested in. And let her know you would be there whenever she feels like talking. So it´s up to her - sometimes teenagers like a little privacy about their crushes.
The only thing that matters is that she is comfortable and happy with whomever she chooses. And at her age the marriage and adoption issue is so far away...So like someone else on this thread said, if she tells you about her crush, best reaction is "Is she CUTE?" ;-)

Gosh with all this comments we will leave you dizzy! But you asked for it ;-) And sometimes us parents need not to be left alone with situations like that. Just relax. Relax about your fears of society. You´ll take care of society another day. And relax about fears of having screwed up. If some fears remain, you will find a way to deal with them.
You will do fine because you seem to be a parent that cares.

[FedUpWithIt All]

66. I think you allowed open dialog. That counts for a lot. Kids can sense when we are not "real".

I think your honesty eliminated any potential for her to misread you. When we keep things back the kids sometimes know. You don't want her to misinterpret that hesitancy or withholding as relating to your affection or acceptance of her. You did fantastic IMHO. As the discussion progresses you can share your further concerns that your own fears may not be part of her reality but for now, way to go!


.:hi:

[robinlynne]

43. again, I do not think she screwed up some. I think she was honest. You are assuming that

there is a wrong way and right way to tell the truth. I was in a wheelchair for 7 years when I was young. It made my mother sad when people treated me poorly. It made me sad too. We talked about it. Including about HER feelings (I was having wheelchair races,and carefree.) It did not upset me to hear her true feelings. We talked about it. We worked through it. We were ABLE to talk about all different angles BECAUSE OF THE HONESTY.
So you and I disagree, which is fine.
There is more than one way to see things.

In addition I remember once wondering if I was gay or straight, and kissing another woman, and I remember exactly the feelings of how the world treats you differently if you are gay. So those are real feelings and ok to talk and to think about. So very different from feelings of inferiority or wrongness which are falsly created feelings and do you (meaning anyone) a terrible amount of harm.

[readmoreoften]

48. Eh. I remember when people used to 'honestly' discuss their worries about interracial marriage.

It's not that there aren't concerns, I just do wonder when such concerns are the first thing that comes up. There are plenty of reasons to be concerned about the prospect of a daughter's heterosexuality as well; but instead of thinking about the issues adult heterosexuals face, moms typically say "IS HE CUTE???" There's no reason not to just keep the conversation with a ten-year old at "Ooooh! You have a crush on a girl! Well that's normal. Is she CUTE????!!!"

[FedUpWithIt All]

65. And we discuss those concerns with our hetero preteen daughters.

When my daughter started to have serious feelings for a boy we talked about the fears and concerns along with the hopes. It is what parents do.

I think the OP did a marvelous job. Parenting is tough.

[robinlynne]

68. oh. I don't know. My mother sat me down and talked about pregnancy and

disease, not "is he cute". That is also love!

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

35. No, I think LostinVA is right

I don't think all the negative things should be brought up to a 12-year-old. She's probably worried enough about stuff, without her mom adding to it. Overall, though, I think the OP did a decent job.

Definitely better than the horror show that my mother put me through, which literally almost killed me.

[roguevalley]

21. I remember at her age being insane about girls. But it was a phase

and I passed through it. I hope for the best for the two of you. You SPOKE to your daughter with love. That counts.

[readmoreoften]

32. Heh. I liked boys in my childhood. That was a phase for me.

Gay people can go through 'straight crushes' in youth just as often as straights go through gay ones. I think it comes down to crushes themselves being pure disembodied fantasy, pure image. When I had a crush on the new wave rock star boy in the eye make up, I wasn't aware of the smell of his body and the way his mind worked. I just thought he was pretty.

[grannie4peace]

8. everyone is correct, it may help her also to look at the

way the native american's treated gays, and other cultures that respect differences.she needs all the ammunition she can get to make her decisions

[readmoreoften]

49. Good point about looking at other cultures. But there really isn't a decision to be made.

Either she's lesbian, transgendered, 'straight' or some mixture of the aforementioned. The only choice is whether to date people she's interested in, or whether to restrict her innate desires--whatever they may be.

[grannie4peace]

78. not for decisions but so she can see that different people deal with each

other differently in case she is defending herself to someone, or just in her own internal dialogue

[lunatica]

10. You were and are fabulous!

Your daughter will tell her friends and they'll know they're OK too in your eyes. That's a total gift of love you've just given all gay people everywhere. And total honesty will get you total respect from your children every time.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

14. K&R

[Maine-ah]

15. My daughter is two, right now.

if she ever comes to me, like your daughter did, I'm taking this page out of your book and using it. I will hope that our laws and the bigotry will have changed by then. I think you did a wonderful job. :hi: :yourock:

[mnhtnbb]

16. As the mother of a gay son who came out to us when he was 16,

I think you handled the initial conversation well. Our son was 12 when things started to fall apart
at school for him and a lot of it was related to hiding his feelings.

I do think that you might want to return to the issue of the fact that she is just now developing her own
identity. Encourage her to talk with you--especially since she seems comfortable--or with some other adult
she knows as she discovers who she is and to whom she's attracted. Only you know the answer to this, but
has she gotten her period? Started to develop? Her hormones will change when that happens. I do think
that you need to assure her that you love her no matter what, and that it's possible that "thinking about girls" at her age doesn't automatically mean she will be lesbian as an adult. Identity formation is
a process, and jumping the gun on sexual identity is a risk. In other words, encourage her to understand
that she will have different feelings and not to be confused. Give her the security to let her develop
in time to who she will be--and that you will love her no matter what.

[Mother Of Four]

36. She started puberty at 10-

and developed fast. She was young, I was as well. So we've already have had 'talks' in the past due to the early nature of her body changing. It's tough when you have development that most the other kids don't. She used to be so uncomfortable with the other girls at gym staring and whispering, that she would change in the bathroom instead of the locker area. I told her back then that they would "catch up" to her, and it was something that only time could fix unfortunately. I went through the same thing, I'm just glad she was never made fun of the way I was (accused of stuffing my chest etc.) and instead it was more the girls saying "I wish *I* had that!"

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

17. Your answers were exactly right

You confirmed your unconditional love of your daughter, and explained why you have concerns about gay couples--that it is the way society treats them, NOT anything about themselves. I especially liked the fact you made it clear that kids her age need to explore--and determine--their sexual orientation, and that sexual orientation is really a sliding scale.

Your daughter is very lucky to have you as a mother.

[Mnemosyne]

19. You did beautiful, just beautiful, MofF.

:hug:

[BrklynLiberal]

20. Wow. You are a great Mom, and I think that whatever the ultimate

outcome in your daughter's life, she will be happy that you are her Mother. Your honesty was perfect.

[surrealAmerican]

22. It sounds like what you said was helpful to your daughter, but ...

... your worries may be too much. In another 10 or 20 years, when your daughter is ready to marry (if she is), the laws will likely have changed. That goes for adoption, too. You don't want to have too much of a plan for your child's future, because the world they will be adults in is NOT the one we live in now. The other issue is: at age 12, she may not know for sure. My daughter said something similar at that age, and it was too soon for her to know. She has a boyfriend now.

[noiretextatique]

23. you were really great

i don't think you scared her, but you can check in with her. i think the most important thing you communicated is that you are open to talking with her about it, that she doesn't need to feel ashamed, and that you love her. :thumbsup: that's a far sight better than most :hug:

[pipi_k]

24. I got goosebumps when I read your story...

honestly, I don't think you could have handled it any better than you did.


don't beat yourself up!!!

Kids aren't stupid...they know when their parents are lying to them. You probably gained a whole world of trust by being honest.

:)

[madokie]

26. You done good

What a great mom you are. :hug:

[chollybocker]

27. The Exact Same Thing happened to me 28 years ago...

...except that I was the teenager who's mother over-heard a phone conversation I had with another guy, etc. I won't go into details, but

My experience as the 'un-intentional coming-outer' was of an incredible sense of RELIEF that I no longer had to worry for years about how I was going to handle 'the talk' with my parents, as so many others do. You may notice in her demeanor that a burden has been lifted off her shoulders.

And your reaction was exactly what she needed to hear. At this point, she may not be very concerned with gay rights, but you reaffirmed her right to be gay.

[Mother Of Four]

31. The only real thing I've noticed so far

Is that she doesn't go hide when she gets on the phone, at least she didn't tonight. But it's not been very long since we talked so...:shrug:

And she was actually teasing her older brother about the girl he likes a little bit ago.

We ate early, (Pancakes and eggs...num) her and her sister are in the kitchen just talking away.

[proud patriot]

34. I think you did great

I'm a mom of a 12 yr old son . I like being honest with my son .

Sometimes it's not the best decision sometimes it is .
Some things were kept from me when I was a kid . I don't
like that they were kept from me . It's one of those not
with my kid things .

[slackmaster]

37. You handled it a whole lot better than I ever could have

:toast:

[MsTryska]

39. You did great letting your daughter know

that you love and accept her.


I wouldn't focus too much on the what the future may bring. We just elected our first black president. Did you thinkt hat would happen in your lifetime? I sure didn't.

Who knows where gay rights will be in 4 years? Obama is alreayd working on getting rid of Don't Ask Don't Tell.

I've found that as above so below - the president truly sets the tone for the rest of the country.

And sure you can't necessarily change hearts and minds, but all you can do is offer your support and be there as she goes through the ups and downs of her life, whatever her final orientation turns out to be.

[baldguy]

40. It took my sister 30 yrs to come out to me & the rest of the family.

We can hope that America in the future will be a kinder place for your daughter.

If we work for it, it will be.

[Xipe Totec]

41. My love to both of you n/t

[8 track mind]

44. You are a fantastic Parent!!!!!! n/t

[readmoreoften]

46. I think you did really well. But instead of focusing on our lack of rights, you could show her all

the great things that lesbians have achieved throughout history. You can tell her that while she may have to deal with prejudices, it's also an opportunity to learn about her own inner strength. A disproportionate number of female writers, scientists, and film directors are lesbian women. Instead of being ashamed, she could be inspired.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_gay,_lesbian_or_bisexual_people:_A

When I was younger, I interpreted my mother's 'concerns' about 'fairness' as a cover for her own discriminatory attitudes. I'm old enough to remember the whole "I'm not against interracial marriage, I just worry about the children such marriages produce" style of concern. Instead of saying "I'm sad that you might be gay because bad things might happen to you" you could say "Your perfect the way you are and I will fight to the death for your rights." If she sees you already fighting to the death for LGBT rights, she'll be even more comfortable with you.

If you're going to admit all your "worries" about her possible life as a lesbian, maybe you should also admit all your "worries" about her life as a heterosexual. As a lesbian, your daughter will never worry about being pressured into motherhood by her boyfriend and his beliefs. She is less likely to be physically battered by her spouse. She will not be faced with unwanted pregnancies resulting from the desire to express passion for her partner.

It's not too late to hit on these points if you want to. I really don't know why you would be "sad" or "scared" for her. She may meet the love of her life and be happier and more stable than your heterosexual kids. Same-sex marriage may be legal by the time she's ready to settle down. Were you "sad" and "scared" when she was born a female? Did you immediately become depressed that your baby would statistically earn less than other babies? Probably not. Think of it that way.

[Creideiki]

59. Yeah, my mom's "concerns about other people" were really her own concerns projected

Fortunately, the rest of my extended family (including my father) let her know that these were her issues, not mine. I'm still welcome at all the family gatherings I can make (although I'm out of state now), and the support of everyone around me helped a ton. Of course, I didn't even come out until my late 20s because I grew up in a bonkers conservative religion. I'm now excommunicate, and because of that, almost everyone else in the family has switched to a more accepting denomination.

[dsc]

47. You did well

if you live in eastern or central NC please PM me and I will give you info on NC PLAG chapters in your area. I am an advisor for the GSA in a school in Wake county.

[bluedawg12]

50. My sense is that

your love for your daughter comes shinning through.

Was it perfect? Why would it be? None of us are. But you were truthful and loving and kind and I feel you did a wonderful job.

Yes, it is hard being gay because living with prejudice is hard, yet, it is joyous when we do find someone to love and who loves us in return.

I have been in a wonderful relationship for, I guess, going on 23 years. My family were judge mental and that was a mistake, I cut them from my life for a decade. We lost time and when we were reunited, at my partner's parents urging, my folks were already elderly. The lost years are sad. But, blood is thicker than water and we did reunite.

My partner's parents, on the other hand, were very open and accepting of us, as was the entire family. We were treated like a couple and if I didn't show up for a family occasion there was concern, "Is everything alright with you two?" "Yes, bluedawg is just working."

I can't tell you what a difference family support makes, no matter whether the child is gay or straight in adulthood, family love and acceptance makes a big difference in maintaining a stable loving adult relationship for all couples. I would not have believed it had I not seen it with my own eyes and feel it.

I wish you and your family much joy and happiness and if you think your child may be gay, or struggling with it, I think the one of the best pieces of advice from this forum was to look into PFLAG.

peace-

bluedawg12

[Zuiderelle]

51. I think you did amazingly well. But...

I am going to agree with LostinVa above that you may have scared her into TRYING not to be gay, since things are so difficult. It was definitely honest, but I think it could be tempered by telling her all the ways that being straight is also difficult. For one thing, STDs are much more prevalent, as is cervical cancer. There's always another side to these things.

I spent several years trying to not be gay, because I was afraid of what it meant, and because I wanted to be "normal." And I didn't have anyone telling me either side of what you told your daughter. I think that if I had talked to my parents as she did with you, and if they had said the things you said, I might have been able to come to terms with it sooner, and gone through a whole lot less pain than I did. I would NEVER have talked to my parents the way your daughter did with you, so that's a HUGE deal, and shows that she trusts you very much.

My father was a tyrant and truly awful in many ways when I was growing up, but I will always remember the amazing way he accepted my being gay. I was older than your daughter when I talked to him about it, and I had already decided I was gay and was not questioning it like I did when I was your daughter's age. When I told my dad I was gay when I was 19, he said "Oh I've known that for years. I'm happy, because it means you won't be dependent on a man." That was it. No worrying about my future or fears about what it would mean.

I think you did great under the circumstances, and that you can go back to her and explain that your fears are just fears. You can explain to her how much things have changed, and how close we are to equality. I really believe that by the time she is old enough to really want to be married, she will have the same rights as everyone else.

You sound like an amazing parent. Don't beat yourself up. Just keep the dialogue going with her.

[bertman]

52. If there were more moms who were as loving, supportive, and honest with their

children as you are, this world would be a much, much better place to live.

She's a lucky girl to have you as a mom, as are all your kids.

[childslibrarian]

53. I was a social worker

and now I'm a teacher. You answered her just the way I would want all parents to handle this..

[La Lioness Priyanka]

54. you did well, much better than most parents. i just wouldnt scare my child

yes, gays are not allowed to get married, but that could change by the time she grows up

yes, in some states they are not allowed to get married, but that could change by the time she grows up

i think maybe next time bring it up that no matter laws/society she shouldnt have to lie to herself about who she is. i think your very legitimate fears shouldnt scare her from dealing with her sexual orientation

i hope i wasnt judgmental. you did really far better than 99.99% of society but the thing is you don't know what she will face in 7-10 years. this civil rights struggle isnt ending today.

i would try to let her know of the positives that gay women in society have achieved and continue to achieve. rachel maddow is a good show for you to start this conversation

[Stinky The Clown]

56. You did very good. Your daughter's lucky to have you.

You may have given her too much information, but better that than the alternative.

Pat yourself on the back.

:hug:

[tbyg52]

57. I think you did great.

I wish my friends in college had had moms like you.

[lightningandsnow]

58. That was lovely of you!

There should definitely be more parents in the world like you.

When I came out (or rather, my mother found out), my mom says she went into "mourning". She got over it, but still, it hurt me a lot. Why should she mourn who I am?

[calimary]

60. Really nice job, Mother Of Four!

Brava!

You hit exactly the perfect notes.

What does a parent want for her/his child more than that the child should be happy, grow up, and be happy some more? I mean it. What? You were kind and gentle and sweet and loving and supportive and nonjudgmental and circumspect. And truthful. And accepting. EXACTLY what your daughter needed. She's very lucky, especially considering the views being expressed by other people around her. We SO need to change and modify the dialogue so more people talk about it the way you've talked about it with your daughter.

I will say this - as a mom: My kids both asked me about this years ago - when they were both in grade school. And it really was challenging to me. I suddenly realized I had to speak about the subject in as clean and even-handed and fair and straightforward and all-encompassing a way as I could. I felt I had to present the opposing view and represent it as cleanly and nonjudgmentally as possible, so as to avoid overlaying ANY external spin. I really had to work at it so they'd get the purest essence of the issue, so they could make up their own minds. I had to present the other side because they were both in Catholic school and gays don't always get a fair shake there. It really makes you stand up and be adult about it. We talked about it at length, and I tried to answer all their questions. Very illuminating for me, to see if I could keep my own opinions in check and not sling mud or be snarky. Besides, they already knew how I felt about most things, and I certainly gave them my opinion, but I made sure they knew that was my opinion.

[Natalya Slosky]

62. You are a great mom.

I still haven't come out to my mom, and don't know if I ever will. I know she wouldn't accept me, and it hurts.
You are being honest with your daughter, and you accept her for who she is. Teen years are a rough and confusing time. Just continue to be there for your daughter, and support her. If only all GLBTs had a mother like you. :hug:

[FedUpWithIt All]

63. Oh...

:hug:

I wish all kids had a mother like you.

[JerseygirlCT]

64. Don't beat yourself up. Sounds to me like you did fine.

You sound like a great mom to me.

[minnesota_liberal]

67. This is where I'm supposed to write that you did the right thing?

How could I not?

You done good!!

[DarkTirade]

69. I think you did as well as anyone could.

Unfortunately in this climate there are those dangers in being open about one's sexuality. Although judging by her worries about how you'd react, I think she probably already knows that.

[Blue Dog Dominion]

71. As long as she knows you love her all will be fine

Kids don't come with a instruction manual....

[elleng]

72. BRAVO!

((( )))

[Jamastiene]

73. OMG, I wish there were more parents like you in this world.

You did fine.

A) You were supportive and loving, not judgmental. - Perfect!

B) You were honest with her about the challenges in life that she could face down the road. That's what a good parent does: teaches their children about the realities of life, what they may face, and gives the child a "heads up" so that they can prepare to face it. -Perfect!

C) When she needed reassurance that you were not angry or mad at her, you RE-emphasized that you were not angry or mad. -Perfect!

I'd say you did a fine job. Keep being honest with her about what may lay ahead for her and keep being supportive.

If only more parents would try the route you took, more young gay people would live past their teens and early twenties instead of trying every which way they can to self destruct or kill themselves. Gay teen suicide is a VERY REAL problem. Most of the time, had their parents at least accepted them, they would not have self destructed or committed suicide. The support and love given by nonjudgmental parents make all the difference in the world.

All I know to do is offer you a big huge :hug:

[Missy Vixen]

74. Hey Mom, you did a great job

You were truthful. You told her how much she is loved, and she can come to you with any question or problem at any time.

I also hope that whomever your daughter chooses to love, she can do so in a society that accepts her and loves her just as she is.

Julie

[BlooInBloo]

75. :)))))

[fortyfeetunder]

76. Fantastic response -- you rock, mom!

You did what any loving parent would do. Your daughter wanted the truth and you did it without judging her. You provided unconditional love, support and reassurance, and you weren't preachy.

Bravo!

:hug:
:yourock:

[Karenina]

79. I be a witness!!

:yourock:

[intaglio]

77. I think that you have one girl who is VERY proud of her Mom

Now what is needed is a community for Moms and Dads who have been honest in this way. There is a noxious minority who be willing to slander, bully and harrass honest people like yourself.

I wish your daughter good luck and hope she finds as much love from the chosen partner of her adulthood.