***DUzy Awards for week ending January 26, 2007***

JeffR

(1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore

Fri Jan-26-07 05:51 PM
Original message

Welcome to this week's DUzy Awards, honoring satirical soundbites, sarcastic sorties and scabrous silliness from this week on DU. Congratulations to this week's winners!

And watch for a "DUzy of the Month" poll this Sunday. Special thanks to OPERATIONMINDCRIME for suggesting this concept.

Feel free to add your own choices. The hipper-than-thou DUzies will be announced every Friday, if I get around to it. Previous awards can be found in my journal.

Note to Mods: Skinner has authorized the DUzy Awards to be posted in GD.

On a thread by kskiska:

      Ex-POW Jessica Lynch Has 7 Lb. Baby Girl

response #3 by FormerRushFan:

      Pentagon reports: baby girl fought her way out with entrenching tool killing 10 terrorists...
...unfortunately, the baby doesn't remember any of this...

response #8 by Dover:

      Almost of age for basic training...! More recruits!..n/t

LBN, January 19, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2696063

On a thread by Jim Sagle:

      Brownback is announcing he's in for Prez (CNN - no link)

response #20 by AnnieBW:

      If Embryos Could Vote...
He'd be their favorite candidate

response #21 by TOJ:

      "Brownback For the 19th Century"
Take all the money you were going to give to Hil/Barack/Edwards/Clark and send it to "Brownback For President". Having this doofus on the ballot in 08 would be better for the Dems than re-animating JFK.

LBN, January 20, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2696787

OP by Oregonian:

OMG111!!!111! Senator Sam Brownback is IN, baby!1!!11!!!
He's gonna do it! :woohoo:

Brownback for Prez! Sign me up!

Signed, NuttierThanSquirrelShit

The Lounge, January 20, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6084773

OP by Toucano:

      OFFICIAL THREAD: Predict W's SOTU non sequitur and WIN
bragging rights!

We all remember Bush's propensity for introducing strange plans and ideas in important speeches such as Missions to Mars, slave trade, the importance of baseball doping, etc.

What will it be for the 2007 State of the Union Address?

Here's mine: Bush will announce the establishment of a blue ribbon committee to study the vital benefit of watermellon flavored bubble gum in the American diet.

It's either that or he'll announce plans to invade Poland.

What's your guess?

response #14 by EstimatedProphet:

      I think he'll declare lint a new renewable resource
Also, he'll call for increasing the efficiency of solar power plants using giant magnifying glasses.

response #18 by JohnnyLib2:

      Valerie Plame will become a roving ambassador in Iraq.
She will operate primarily outside the green zone.

response #24 by Goat or Panic:

      My guess...
Catch and release program for circus clowns.

And he'll get teary eyed about it.

response #25 by A-Schwarzenegger:

      They are all secret messages to aliens in outer space.
This year it will be about how all of the phone numbers in the whole world will be used up soon and we will have to start having one number for every two phones.

response #27 by impeachdubya:

      A massive effort to combat global warming through Jesus-addled Pharmacists refusing to fill
birth control prescriptions.

And an honorable mention to all the other responses on the thread.

GD, January 20, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3166808

On a thread by flashlighter:

If Lieberman gets the D Nomination, we'll all vote for him, right?

response #51 by Golden Raisin:

When Snoop Dogg sings Rigoletto at La Scala!

GD, January 21, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3169681#3170058

On a thread by Virginia Dare:

      Floridians, what's up with my girl Katherine Harris?...

response #2 by porphyrian:

      She's been recycled into her component cosmetics. - n/t

response #4 by EstimatedProphet:

      Maybelline is PEOPLE!
IT'S PEOPLE!

response #5 by Lastlaughin08:

      I hope Moxie and Spunk haven't been kidnapped.
As for the rest of her, who cares?

response #7 by antifaschits:

      or sprung a leak.

Special thanks to Robbien for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, January 21, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3169539

On a thread by Bluebear:

      Karen Hughes is off to China and Philippines to "improve our image"

response #2 by tanyev:

      Newsflash, Karen.
It's not working. Try staying home with your family. Unless they changed the locks again.

response #23 by gratuitous:

      She'll be there for three whole days?
Well, that should be plenty of time to lick this whole U.S. image abroad problem! Probably even have time for a stop at Chang's Pachinko Palace.

GD, January 21, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3171154

OP by jgraz:

Lieberman leaving humanity
Joe Lieberman Leaves Human Race, Forms Independent Species

Facing increasing opposition from within his own species, Joe Lieberman announced yesterday that he was giving up his membership in Homo Sapiens Sapiens and forming his own primate subgroup.

The new species will be known as Homo Josephus Liebermanus, or "Homentum" for short.

While it is somewhat unusual for a sitting Senator to switch species, the move was not entirely unexpected. Lieberman had been signaling his intentions for some time by engaging in such patently inhuman behavior as quashing the Senate's Katrina investigation and threatening a filibuster in support of increased troop levels in Iraq.

Members of the small Congressional Human Caucus expressed regret that Lieberman chose his current action. "We had hoped that Senator Lieberman would find a way to remain human for the duration of his term," said Senator Russ Feingold, one of the caucus' few remaining members, "but in the end, Joe just found it too difficult to reconcile his personal goals with continued participation in the human race."

For his part, Lieberman remained steadfastly upbeat about the change. "This new biological designation represents a willingness on my part to remain independent from the constraints of accepted human behavior," said Lieberman in a prepared statement. "I look forward to working across the aisle with other primates such as bonobo chimps, gibbons and Trent Lott." Lieberman then formally launched his new species with a brief male dominance display and a ceremonial tossing of his own poop.

GD, January 21, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3171162

OP Title by kentuck:

Hillary and Obama blah blah blah....blah and Hillary and Obama

Special thanks to BleedingHeartPatriot for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, January 21, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x7929

OP by sellitman:

      Just anounced!!!!! EVERY Democrat alive is running in 2008
The whole Democratic party has tossed their hat in the ring and has decided to run for President. Political annalists are dumbfounded. Who will be left to run the country?

Pictures at 11:00

response #2 by Deep13:

      Sounds good, I'll announce tomorrow.
The fact that I have never run for so much as dog catcher in the past won't be a problem, will it?

response #3 by gratuitous:

      Thank you! I'm in it to win it
And to protect our country from the greatest scourge it has ever seen. That's right, I'm talking about posts at DU by underpants.

Join me, and let's all be just a little more gratuitous in 2008!

response #7 by CatWoman:

      you know you've got "my" vote
:hi:

response #16 by gratuitous:

      Hey sweetie
What cabinet position do you want? It's yours. :hi:

response #17 by CatWoman:

      secretary of "keeping it real"
:)

response #10 by Qanisqineq:

      I have too many skeletons in my closet
I'll never be able to win but I thought I'd give it a try anyway.

response #11 by crispini:

      Me! I'm in!
My platform is:

1) Mandatory naptime for everyone.
2) Giant Prozac spray over Middle East, stat.
3) Free chocolate Fridays!

response #13 by sellitman:

      Why only on Fridays?
;)

response #14 by InvisibleTouch:

      Okay, count me in.
Why not? Got nothing better to do. ;)

response #19 by Connie_Corleone:

      I, Connie Corleone, am announcing my decision to run
for President of the United States, what's left of it.

I am the only one who can bring peace between the Shia and the Sunnis.

I'll make them an offer they can't refuse.

response #20 by uncle ray:

      Wellstone '08!
somebody call me when the dead Dems can run.

response #21 by sellitman:

      I think a few are already
;)

GD, January 22, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x7339

OP by radfringe:

      bush SOTU STUNNER question
the year before our eyes popped when we heard bush actually admit we were addicted to oil

last year our jaws dropped when we learned of the danger of man-animal hybrids

SOOOOOO - what box-of-rocks concept/idea/proposal will bush put forth this year?

-- human-vegetable cloning must be outlawed so people in a vegetative state won't be mistakenly bathed in blue-cheese dressing

-- we're addicted to OXYGEN and this is harming our manufacturers

-- Hugo Chavez met with an al-qeada sympathizer and therefore we have to add Belgium to the Axis of Evil list (invasion date to be determined later)

or how about recycling one from a Reagan speech? The one where an alien race has attacked and we all unite as earthlings to fight them off

unnumbered response by bryant69:

      Coke and Pepsi are the same!
Frogs are all unitarians and therefore we must purge them from our world.

Avacodos are smooshy.

I don't know - could be anything really.

response #1 by YOY:

      We must support our military industrial complex...for Jesus
n/t

response #7 by KurtNYC:

      A few options....
(read in halting B*sh style, gesturing with the back of your hand facing audience like you want to slap them):

"If, if tin whistles are, made of tin, what are fog horns made from?"
"Why do, why do people park on driveways and, and drive, on parkways?"
"How do you, solve a problem, a problem like Maria?"

response #9 by jhain:

      The Scary Steroids Again!!!
Not the bad baseball players but SURFERS!!

SURFERS ON STEROIDS. Swim for your lives ( as the ocean levels rise due to bush's buddies' total disregard for envl laws)

These Terrorists Surfers Will Create Mushroom Clouds.

response #12 by youthere:

      OOOh I bet he'll tell us Bruce Willis was actually a ghost in the Sixth Sense!

response #13 by burythehatchet:

      America is addicted to Bad Girls Club and we're going to Pluto

GD, January 22, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3176027

On a thread by Philosoraptor:

      Bombs kill 78 today in Baghdad. We're turnin' the corner.

response #1 by lligrd:

      Seems Familiar
Haven't we been here before? Don't the French have a word for this?

response #2 by Philosoraptor:

      "dumbya vu", all over again.

Special thanks to NanceGreggs for the heads-up on this one.:patriot:

GD, January 22, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3175301

On a thread by brentspeak:

      Duck survives two days in a Fla. refrigerator after being shot; startles hunter's wife

response #1 by Greeby:

      The Office of the Vice President declined to comment
:evilgrin:

response #2 by Bluebear:

      AFLAC!
:)

response #16 by TahitiNut:

      I wonder if that's the only lame duck that'll survive the year.
(Hmmmm.) :silly:

GD, January 22, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x3273

OP by Hissyspit:

      Copy Of Bush's 2007 SOTU Address Leaked!!
Found among the contents of a briefcase in a taxicab in Washington D.C. earlier tonight:

9:10 P.M. EST

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you all. Madam Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, members of the Supreme Court and diplomatic corps, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens:

Tonight the state of our Union is strong.

Exploitative introduction of misrepresented personage in the audience.

Shout-out to Joe Lieberman.

Claim of success actually attributable to someone other than himself.

Claim of success that actually occurred DESPITE policies of current administration.

Unearned, dispicable manipulation through reference to public support for U.S. military.

Excuse.

Excuse.

Weak attempt at propaganda.

Novel Rovian strategy.

Declaration of major national project that will deliberately never come to fruition.

Disingenuous declaration of major policy change.

Appropriation of inspirational words originating from a historical American leader of true integrity.

Misrepresentation of statistical truth.

Direct 'War on Terror' reference.

Implied 'War on Terror' reference.

'War on Terror,'

'War on Terror,'

'War on Terror,'

Iraq,

Iran,

Iran,

Iran,

Iran,

Iran,

'Newkler' threat.

Patriotic cliche.

Insinuation of coming really, really horrific idea.

Duplicitous, invalid, illogical justification for implication of the coming really, really horrific idea.

They hate us for our freedom.

Desperately insincere, self-serving call for bipartisanship.

Veiled implication Democratic Party-controlled Congress an aid to the terrorists.

Yet another bizarre controversial declaration destined to haunt American history.

Absense of reference to the deficit.

Absense of reference to New Orleans.

Absense of reference to 2 million-plus refugees from Iraq.

Absense of reference to unnecessary human toll.

Last-minute, two-faced response to corporate call for responsible climate policy.

Coded theo-fascist language.

Out-and-out lie.

Sociopathic robotic look.

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

War on terror,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Nails on a chalkboard,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Empty generalized nationalistic rhetoric.

Who gives a shit? I'm the Decider.

Flop sweat.

Goodnight and may God bless America. :(

response #1 by NanceGreggs:

      Well, I'll be damned!
Either you actually DID manage to obtain a copy of the speech, or you are downright prescient.

IMHO, the ONLY place you might be off-track is here, and I quote:

"Sociopathic robotic look.

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

War on terror ..."

I believe you have missed a 'Blah' here, and it could be the defintive 'Blah' of the entire evening.

response #2 by Hissyspit:

      I'll be damned, too...
You're right, as usual, Nance. It must be a first draft. Redacted? :P

response #3 by WinkyDink:

      Tuesday night, DU'ers find "American Idol" only SECOND-worst TV program. Heh.

GD, January 23, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x632

On a thread by Jack from Charlotte:

      Does Lieberman give Bush tongue tonight?...........

response #1 by npincus:

      Nah... he'll just grab his balls for a good-luck squeeze.

response #9 by donco6:

      Only if he can get his nose out of his ass long enough. n/t

response #12 by BuyingThyme:

      Hand down pants, but over the undies.

response #13 by driver8:

      He'll be giving him tongue -- definitely.
However, pissypants' mouth is not what Lieberman will be kissing.

GD, January 23, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x17681

New Freeperism sighting by cmd:

Freepers getting their "patties all waded up!"

The thread deserves to be read in its entirety!

GD, January 23, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x16969

OP by EstimatedProphet:

      New screennames for Free Republic users!
From the screennames I've seen on Free Republic, freepers are running out of creativity...well, 'running out' may not be the best way to put it. I figured maybe we could give them some help. I tried to keep them in the same vein as what are usually used as screennames there:

StormtrooperForChrist

RaptureMeNow

LieberulzIzStoopud

HookinForTheLord

KillNonviolence

response #5 by izzybeans:

      DouchebagMcGillacuddy
ScrewnforChrist
Librulzatemybaby
HookinforJimRob
MommasLittleHelper

response #9 by Momgonepostal:

      WrongNProud, GWBMakesMeHot, NukeEmNow nt

response #13 by Jimbo S:

      IveGotMineFU
MLKsux

response #22 by danagsk8:

      HeckuvaJob

The Lounge, January 23, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x6095862

On a thread by enigmatic:

      I'll be watching Cheney's body language tonight at the SOTU

response #1 by Hobarticus:

      You mean, his head splits open, and the giant maggot within reveals itself, hissing?
He'd bring the house down, that's for sure.

response #14 by InternalDialogue:

      Regardless of today's news, I think you're still limited to two choices:
A. Slump with sneer.
B. Slump with scowl.

GD, January 23, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x14646

On a thread by peacebird:

      Near Staunton, Va - saw a fiery object streak across sky, low on the horizon and break apart...

response #2 by Uben:

      Cheney went hunting this afternoon
Probably a downed lawyer!

response #30 by 11 Bravo:

      Did it say "macaca", because it sounds like Felix Allen's political career.

response #35 by SteveG:

      Bush's SOTU speech? (nt)

GD, January 23, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x17242

On a thread by Mortos:

      What the fuck is Cheney sucking on?

response #1 by Seen the light:

      Dark matter nt

response #3 by AndreaCG:

      The blood of virgins

response #14 by Bluerthanblue:

      an egg

response #16 by durrrty libby:

      Scooter Libby's left nut

response #17 by hippiechick:

      I'm thinkin' thorazine ...
n/t

response #20 by w8liftinglady:

      viagra...slow suicide

GD, January 23, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x19946

On a thread by cynatnite:

      Did Cheney just take an angina pill for his heart? n/t

response #5 by silverweb:

      No, it was a TicTac...
... to hide the blood on his breath.

response #8 by chimpsrsmarter:

      hmm, cyanide sewn into his sleeve?

response #10 by Botany:

      No just a hit of 4 way windowpane
Trippin' w/ Dick

response #14 by acmejack:

      He needs it after today in Court!
Take two Dick, they're small...

response #20 by opusprime:

      You guys are way off...
It is well known inside the beltway that Cheney is a cannibal.

He was eating the toes and fingers of dead Iraqi children.

Yeah, I know what your thinking. Sick sick sick.

Remember folks, Iraq is a different culture than ours. Sometimes you have to accept that.

Some are even saying that his addiction to baby flesh is one of the reason(s) for the troop increase. Cheney's supply of body parts is running low.

Spicy mustard anyone?

GD, January 23, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x19587

OP by forintegrity:

      Has * ever kept ANY of his promises from any SOTU?

response #2 by jtrockville:

      I bet he smoked some switch-grass. Does that count?

response #5 by forintegrity:

      Not sure. Only counts if he inhaled!

response #7 by acmejack:

      He never exhaled!
That's what's wrong with him...

response #3 by dflprincess:

      Not a word about human/animal hybrids tonight
I was hoping for an update.

GDP, January 23, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3073108#top

On a thread by tinfoilinfor2005:

      I've been out of the country for one week: Can I have a one sentence synopsis of what I missed?

response #3 by burythehatchet:

      It turns out that Republicks suck ass.
who woulda thought?

response #14 by Patsy Stone:

      Scooter's a very busy amnesiac.
The state of the union has been better.

Welcome back!

response #15 by impeachdubya:

      How about a Haiku?
television on
grinning, beady-eyed chimp-man
river of bullshit

response #18 by OPERATIONMINDCRIME:

      One Sentence? Ok.
Bush blah blah blah blahzee Nancy blinky Cheney no blinky Webb kick assey, block tool no morey, Baby Einstein Apocalypty, Libby no tell truthy, Hillary DU no likey, future still be scary.

...Ok. Maybe not a sentence. But shit, we ain't gettin graded on this right?

response #23 by goforit:

      Bottom line?.. 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-..... well you know the rest

GD, January 25, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x41688

OP by Junkdrawer:

      Do the Republics have another dipstick like Bush ready for 2008?
Is there another sock puppet like, say, Reagan or Dubya on the horizon?

Another "too stupid to be impeached" front for the Secret Government?

How about Condi? :shrug:

response #4 by FightingIrish:

      I think they are working on a Bush-Animal hybrid

response #18 by aint_no_life_nowhere:

      I don't think there ever was or ever will be another Chimp
As far as dipshits go, Bush is in a league of his own.

But I'll bet there contenders for the crown waiting in the wings. Haley Barbour comes to mind when pondering possible student Chimps who might have true Chimpish Village Idiot potential.

GD, January 25, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x40856

On a thread by Proud2BAmurkin:

      Edwards is finished. Just built new 30,000 sq foot home.

response #2 by trumad:

      It's a good thing John Kennedy lived in a small log cabin
he would have never been elected?

response #7 by Old Crusoe:

      ...and who isn't moved by those photos of Jackie, in rags, with that butter churn
by the hearth?

response #87 by nadinbrzezinski:

      You forget the two kids
with rags on their feet, they could not afford shoes

response #95 by Old Crusoe:

      Yep. Poor Caroline and John-John. Skeletal waifs, begging in the
alleyways for scraps of food...

I'm weeping as I type this...

Forgive me!

response #105 by blm:

      That's not Caroline - it's Maria Shriver, the visiting skeletal cousin.

response #110 by Old Crusoe:

      By god you're right. It's the kind of near-starvation that finally
drove the poor girl into the arms of a retarded body-builder.

response #41 by Fenris:

      Old Joe Kennedy, the legend goes, used to catch fish with his bare hands.
He was a hearty mountain man, who ate raw eggs for breakfast and drank moonshine for dinner. He use to travel around the countryside with his blue ox, sympathizing with Nazis wherever he went.

response #44 by flamingyouth:

      OK, what exactly is the maximum square footage for Democrats?
I'm curious, just in case I happen to win the lottery. I don't want to overstep party building regulations.

response #69 by HoneyBee:

      Seriously the "stupidest political move he could make" ?
Come on... there are a billion "stupider" things he could do!

Be creative!!!

He could:
Get caught buying meth from a pregnant prostitute

response #85 by H2O Man:

      And he ate at SubWay.
And here he talks about Wendys.

response #88 by Lex:

      H2O Man, it's worse than that. I heard he ate at *Olive Garden*
:evilgrin:

response #98 by dogday:

      And asked for more salad and bread cause it
is all you can eat.. Imagine John Edwards eating all you can eat... The nerve of him really :sarcasm:

response #102 by Lone_Star_Dem:

      And while children are starving in this country
He has no shame!

response #138 by H2O Man:

      In fact, I am
missing three croutons from my 6.0 oz (170g) bag of Rothbury Farms' Buttery Garlic croutons. I blame Edwards. The package has a still-unopened reclosable seal .... only a wealthy lawyer could do this.

response #106 by Old and In the Way:

      If only he had kept it to 7500sf or less.
I would have voted for him. Guess I'll vote Republican this time.

Special thanks to NanceGreggs for the heads-up on this one.:patriot: Thread is still burning away as the DUzy announcements go to press. Go to the link, read, refresh and read again. PM the Admins; it's going to need its own forum soon...

GD, January 26, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x48026

***DUzy Awards for week ending January 26, 2007***

Welcome to this week's DUzy Awards, honoring satirical soundbites, sarcastic sorties and scabrous silliness from this week on DU. Congratulations to this week's winners!And watch for a "DUzy of the Month" poll this Sunday. Special thanks to OPERATIONMINDCRIME for suggesting this concept.

DUzy Awards for week ending January 26, 2007

Welcome to this week's DUzy Awards, honoring satirical soundbites, sarcastic sorties and scabrous silliness from this week on DU. Congratulations to this week's winners!

And watch for a "DUzy of the Month" poll this Sunday. Special thanks to OPERATIONMINDCRIME for suggesting this concept.