Panic Grips SC Campus As Phelps Turns State’s Evidence

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Student Leaders Request Outside Aid

Columbia, SC - University of South Carolina student leaders called on people in neighboring communities as well as “concerned citizens everywhere” to send relief supplies as panic overwhelmed the school’s undergraduate population and virtually paralyzed the campus

Shortly after the news broke that Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps has agreed to turn state’s evidence and testify against anyone he may have witnessed smoking marijuana, local stores were flooded with terrified students seeking to purchase emergency provisions.

“The campus is experiencing dire shortages of critical supplies,” said Kappa Sigma fraternity president Stephen Travers, “We are asking anyone within the sound of my voice to please send vitamin B, niacin, and over-the-counter diuretics. Creatine would be helpful as well.” A fellow fraternity member then added, “One vitamin B tablet is selling on the black market for more than ‘X’ - you can’t imagine how severe this is.”

Bridget Duncan, who manages the local Walgreens, confirmed that, “frightened students have cleaned us out of anything believed to mask THC in urine. On the other hand, we haven’t sold a single Twinkie or can of Pringle’s all day.”

More of this story at: http://thedesperateblogger.wordpress.com/2009/02/07/panic-grips-sc-campus-as-phelps-turns-state%E2%80%99s-evidence/