Mr. Peanut Commits Suicide

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

‘Farewell Address’ Indicates Possible Link to Widening Scandal

The lifeless remains of Mr. Peanut, the beloved icon and longtime face of Planters Corporation and, to many, all nuts, were found this afternoon at his Georgia Estate. He was 87.

Authorities have ruled the death a suicide. A video, apparently recorded last night in his private office, was found next to the body. The Medical Examiner’s office released a statement saying that preliminary indications suggest the cause of death was ‘Peappuku’, a traditional, very painful Japanese form of ritual suicide where the nut, in essence, shells itself.

Friends and family alike, although noticing recent changes in his behavior, were shocked and saddened by the news, particularly when it was revealed that his taped message contained vague language which might indicate that he was somehow involved in the widening ‘Peanut-gate’ scandal. (A transcript of his recorded message appears below.)

“He hadn’t been himself lately,” according to his publicist, M. Eileen O’Sullivan. “He kept referring to the salmonella outbreak and muttering to himself about ‘those poor people’ and his name being ‘dragged through the mud’ and asking himself ‘what’s the right thing to do?’. Looking back, his demeanor had become increasingly salty, but I never expected something like this.”

More of this story at: http://thedesperateblogger.wordpress.com/2009/02/12/mr-peanut-commits-suicide/

[Spinzonner]

1. He was a nutjob anyway

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

2. video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jyMYaWOZ8k

[sarge43]

3. Shucked to death by his own hand. Ew. n/t

[MineralMan]

4. If he'd wanted to go out in style, he should

have thrown himself on my front sidewalk, where he would have been devoured by voraciously hungry squirrels. It would have saved me a buck or two, as well, since I feed them daily.

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

6. If he saved you the two bucks

at least he would have been helping to stimulate the economy...

[chill_wind]

5. What a tragedy for all. He was a very shy youngster, until he discovered

show business. That brought him out of his shell.

[GodlessBiker]

7. He just licked himself.

[Ilsa]

8. Did the company grind him and put him in a cheese cracker? nt

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

9. Hope he didn't

personally expose anyone to disease...

[Ilsa]

13. Turned him into Soylent Goober. n t

[ncteechur]

10. He was really just a shell of his former self.

[Flubadubya]

11. Aw, that poor misguided goober...

I never even knew ya!

[Arkana]

12. Jimmy Carter must be devastated.

(It's a peanut farmer joke, guys. Guys?)

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

16. What's Billy Beer w/o Peanuts?

[underpants]

21. That's it in a nutshell

:bounce:

[Catshrink]

14. Sometimes you feel like a nut....

[Tesha]

15. "I have no comment on my fellow mascot's tragic demise."

[tom_paine]

17. It was a Bushie HIT! The Bushies killed him! He was suicided!

Tell the world!

(do I really need to say :sarcasm: ?)

:rofl:

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

24. It couldn't have been Bush & co.

He would have continued to deny until he got his Medal of Freedom...

[remoulade]

18. His sister, Ima LaGoom said "people called him a nut but we knew butter"

:silly:

[PurityOfEssence]

19. Euuuh. Pun-nut utterance.

You should be taken away in monocles.

[bulloney]

20. I heard he was murdered by a CEREAL KILLER.

[underpants]

22. Japanese? Oh man don't get THEM involved in the South again

[KamaAina]

23. Aww, nuts!

:(