Cancer. Something's going on and I could use some advice.

[Mike 03]

My family is in an unusual situation, where my father has terminal cancer and my mother is the primary caregiver, but because of how close my parents are, it's very hard to talk to either one of them without the other listening or reading (in the case of email).

My sisters and I spoke tonight and came to the conclusion that my mother, the caregiver, based on her emails to us today, desperately needs to talk to someone but can't for some reason. She initially only wanted to communicate by email, but that has backfired because my father naturally sees every email we write to her before she gets it.

We are trying to be very positive for him, but on the other hand, we are trying to be very realistic for my mother.

But we three siblings find ourselves having to communicate with both of them at the same time. There's no privacy there, so I know my mother, as the caregiver, is unable to really turn to anyone now.

Any advice from those who have been there?

I'm sorry if this post is not very clear. It is an exhausting thing to lose someone you love to cancer. It's made me a dummy!

[proud2BlibKansan]

1. Help mom open a new email account

and tell her not to give the password to dad.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

2. If your mother wants to talk with someone,

she can find ways. If they're sharing an email account, and your mother insisted on communication only by email, then she's the one who has to change that.

People are going to do what they want to do. Seeing someone's needs is not the same as that person actually experiencing that need.

The best you can do is take care of yourself and be there when you're called upon. Sounds to me like your mother and father want to handle this themselves.

It seems like this situation you have with your terminally ill father and your mother takes another turn every day. Are you geographically far away from them?

[panader0]

3. Go visit, split them up and one of the three can hear what's up with mom.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

4. Does she have any time away from him?

Even going to the grocery store? Perhaps you can meet with her then.

[Mike 03]

6. Yes, he naps every afternoon between one and three or four PM.

That is when we used to talk. But she never calls anymore because she needs that time to herself.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

11. Then you must respect that

She's approaching a devastating loss. No one can put themselves in her place, because she is a wife losing her husband.

You must trust your mother knows what is best for her. If she's stopped communicating with you and your siblings, you have no choice but to respect her wishes.

It's not easy, but this is hardly the time for anyone - including her children - to force themselves on a woman who is doing what she wants to do in order to get through. If she's made this choice, she knows what she's doing.

And, if, as you say, "she needs that time to herself," you do not want to go busting into that because you're anxious.

You deal with your own feelings and let your mother do what she has to do. She matters here far more than anything else. It's a time for all to be strong and put her needs before yours.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

12. delete - dupe

[Raven]

5. Been there, done that! Where are you guys? One of you needs to physically

get to your mother. Arrange for someone to stay with your Dad and take Mom out to lunch...shopping...for a ride...for a walk. Get her away and get her talking. Make it comfortable and matter of fact. Take as long as it takes to get her to open up. Ask open ended questions. Remeber that these two people are joined at the hip and they are going to cover for eachother if they can. If you have to stay a day or two...stay. Forget the email!

My personal story involves walking into my folks' place...they lived 20 minutes away...on a Saturday morning only to find my 85 year old father on his knees in the livingroom cleaning up a mess my Mother had left behind her because she couldn't make it to the bathroom and they didn't want help. He look up at me with the look of a guilty child on his face. Later, he said he wanted to hide their troubles as long as he could because he loved her so much and she was too proud to admit she needed help.

Breaks my heart every time I remember that moment but what loyalty and devotion. We worked things out for them and they had some good years together. BUT you have to get hands on and be careful and respectful. Good luck!

[Mike 03]

8. This is priceless advice, thank you. I'm going to print this thread out tomorrow because

all of these suggestions are incredibly helpful.

Thank you so much.

[EmeraldCityGrl]

7. Your Mom needs a break from time to time.

It's unhealthy for her to be a caregiver 24/7. That would be a good time to approach her about what you need to talk about.

[Mike 03]

9. You are so right. We all know this, and we need to get her a break

somehow.

Thank you.

[SmileyRose]

10. I have been through this just recently with my Dad.

You guys need to gangup on your Mom and Dad. One stays with Dad and the other goes with Mom. It can be a coincidence that Kid A is just dying to take Mom off just the two of them to go to whatever place Dad will hate going and Kid B is just dying to spend time just the two of them doing whatever Dad loves to do. Somewhere along the line Dad has to understand Mom needs a place to vent without him around. It has nothing to do with secrets, or the fact he's terminal and she doesn't want to rub it in - it's that caregiving for a long period of time steals your soul. You die inside unless you get support. Just as he needs the doctors (which are outside their marriage) to help with his wellbeing - so does his caregiver need support (outside the marriage) to help with her wellbeing. This doesn't mean they don't need each other - it means this is pure fucking hell to go through and they BOTH need all the help they can get. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, you name it.

My Dad died of colon cancer in 2007. We 5 kids were fortunate in that Dad WANTED us to come kidnap Mom and get her out of the house, and he WANTED her to be involved in finding caregiver support. It was his idea 2 days after he was first diagnosed. He demanded she get out on Sunday mornings for several hours. He didn't care where she went - to church, to the park, to see a friend or family. If she was sick on Sunday she had to pick a different day. As it got worse we added Weds evenings - one of us kids would come make dinner on Weds and breaksfast on Sunday and spend time just us with Dad.

I have to tell you, those moments just me and Mom, or just me and Dad are some of the most precious moments I will ever remember with either of them.

I can't encourage you and yours enough to find the way to make it happen. Your Mom and Dad both need time away from each other. Dad has his own issues of dying that he doesn't want to dump on your Mom. He will need it as much as she does.

My most heartfelt love and support go to you. PM me if you need more. I mean it.

:hug: :hug: :hug:
Rose

PS - if Mom wants alone time just respect that - someone can just decide they would love to spend alone time with Dad if he needs a caregiver. He doesn't have to know you came to Dadsit, just that you want time with him.

[Born_A_Truman]

13. Mike, my father was my mom's caretaker

Mom had pancreatic cancer and dad took care of her. As things progressed and it was hospice time, she wanted to stay home so we had hospice three times a week in the home.

My sister and I went up every weekend to spend time with mom and give dad a much needed break. We got there Saturday morning and didn't leave until Sunday night. Even though dad was still there he could run to town and not feel like he had to rush back or worry about mom.

The last five weeks my sister and I stayed there full time. I worked from their house and my sister just took leave from her job. I am so grateful I was there.

[SmileyRose]

15. We did the same thing at the end

The 5 of us kids worked it out to have someone there 24/7 for about the last 3 months in addition to hospice coming in. Sometimes we had to double up and have 2 of us there - we just did what had to be done - but being there in person was important.

[appleannie1]

14. My father, mother and one brother all died of cancer, plus my f-i-l had a severe stroke.

I was the caregiver for all but my brother. Your mother needs a break. Why not set up a day each week where one of you takes over care of your dad and the others take mom somewhere for the day. If she wants to talk then, let her. If not, don't force it.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

16. Can I make a suggestion, from personal experience?

With myself, I was primary caregiver/custodian for my mom, who was on the long slow slide from dementia. It utimately led to her death when a "patients by the hundredweight" Medicare Psychiatrist she got hooked up with put her on atypical anti-psychotics that caused her to die a most ugly death. But that's not the point.

I was overwhelmed and working my way out of my worst period of my life, because I was under treatment from major clinical depression, was living in a group home at the time(smartest thing I ever did. Really.) and was tossed out into an apartment a block from my mom by the county director of the support agency who ultimately got fired for misappropriation of vast amounts of money. I was a victim of that, as I have been told. Needless to say, I was not prepared. Neither is your mom.

Reach out to someone, anyone in some form of county social services. There ARE support organizations out there who can give your mother supports of various kinds: caregivers to come in and give your mom a respite of her own, homemaker organizations to come in and help with that, psychological supports for both of them, pastoral counseling...there are always supports. You just have to find them and you won't find them if you don't look.

PM me if you need more ideas. I was also a peer counselor and hell on wheels at creating linkages. I still have a few friends in "the business" and might be able to tap them for some ideas as well. I would be honored to be of any assistance I can.

You, your siblings and your mother should not be afraid to reach out for strength from others at a time like this. There is no dishonor in not being able to handle all this by yourselves. There are lots of people out there who are waiting to lend you some of their strength and blessings.

Just remember though: after it is all over, find some way to pass those blessings on. It's just good karmic practice.

[spanone]

17. wish you & your family the best...difficult times, but some good advice here....

lost my mom to cancer it's a cruel disease.

[madrchsod]

18. as others have said..find a hospice organization near you for help

they can help you understand and hopefully you can get your mother to contact hospice near her. there`s some really good people out there that help and ask nothing in return.