Husband got fired Friday.

[alphafemale]

Not laid off. Fired.

All through the years we have been together he has usually never managed to keep a job longer than 6 months.

I really don't want to do this anymore. We were barely getting by as it is. Actually, I CAN'T do this anymore. The last time he pulled a stunt like this was about 2 years ago and I was able to work 6 days a week 10 hrs a day for about 18 months to make up the difference while he piddled away at a part time job he slacking for about 2 days a week or so. I also peddled my plasma at one of those vampire places. That type of overtime just isn't available anymore even if I were inclined to do it and I absolutely refuse to pimp my bodily fluids again.

If I had a little money set aside I would be already looking for an apartment on my own.

As it is both of our 200K mileage plus cars are in the shop with no real prospect of getting them fixed anytime soon...especially now. We are currently borrowing a friends car for $10 a day.

I feel like a trapped animal and I hate it.

Thanks for reading to the end of this self-indulgent vent. It feels a little better to just hint at what I know in my heart I need to do for my own dignity and sanity. I just have no idea how on earth I am going to go about doing it at this point.

Thanks ahead for the vibes I know will be sent my way.

[etherealtruth]

1. There's nothing I can say ...

....except that I am sorry for what you are going through.

[alphafemale]

36. I know. There are just some things I needed to say...or type...out loud.

:hug:

[BlooInBloo]

2. :( Hope it gets better soon.

[alphafemale]

38. It will. I think and pray that I am awake now. I just need to figure this out.

:hug:

[crim son]

3. alphafemale, you know you have my support, and DU's support

for whatever you decide to do. I'm just very sorry you have to go through this. :hug:

[alphafemale]

41. Thanks. It is good to know people are sending good vibes.

It helps.

:hug:

[SharonAnn]

4. Sorry it's come to this. But maybe it's time to end the relationship.

Sounds you're seeing codependency in your relationship with him.

[alphafemale]

43. It hasn't been "good" for a long long time.

Yeah. My eyes may be tearing from time to time but they are a little clearer now.

:hug:

[DesertRat]

5. I'm sorry for what you're going through

Hang in there. :hug:

[alphafemale]

45. Thanks

:hug:

[Changenow]

6. I hope something

changes soon for you. Do you have family who could help? Do you have children? Have you applied for public assistance, you may qualify for food stamps.

Sorry

[alphafemale]

48. Thank goodness there's no small children.

:hug:

[Ilsa]

7. Wow, that's a rough deal you have. I'm really sorry. Really, really sorry.

I hope you can figure out a better way for yourself. Good luck and hugs to you. :pals:

[alphafemale]

49. Thanks for the hug and support.

I think knowing a change has to be made was one of the hardest steps. Not that the next ones will be easy.

:hug:

[leftyclimber]

8. Oh, sister, I have been there.

I left my ex with $128 in my pocket (my last paycheck) and a couple of suitcases after seven years of the same behavior from him. The kindness of friends and family pulled me through and I was able to get my life back after couch-surfing for nine months and working some pukey-ass jobs. Finally, I decided to go back to school to try a new career.

That was what was right for me. You do what's right for you, once you've thought it through a few times and making sure it's the right thing.

Hang in there. And if you need to vent, don't hesitate to PM me.

:hug:

[alphafemale]

51. I could probably do the couch -surfing if I had to. At least I have a reasonably good job.

There's just some complications involving renting the current place from family, who I don't want to let down in this economy.

I could probably easily go "off the grid" for a couple of months if it weren't for that.

[leftyclimber]

54. Talk to your family, if you can.

I hope you can work something out.

:hug:

[tabatha]

9. Your patience until now is admirable.

I empathize with your feeling trapped - you are in a very difficult situation.
I hope you can find a way out as soon as possible in the best possible way.

[alphafemale]

53. Being someone elses ballast sucks. It's my turn to sail.

:hug: :loveya:

[Mike 03]

10. Your story is important to tell, and you are in our thoughts. I hope things do get better

for you quickly. In the meantime, you have a lot of friends out here, as well as millions who are now, or soon will be, in a similar bind. Hopefully help is on the way to sustain you until you and your husband can make things work again.

Hugs

[alphafemale]

55. Thank you. I really have it much better than other people in intolerable situations.

I have a reasonably good job. And I do not have small children.

[mmonk]

11. Sorry about your situation.

I hope things get better for you.

[alphafemale]

56. At least I'm awake now.

:hug:

[mmonk]

98. That's important and healthy.

Best wishes.
:hug:

[Cleita]

12. You don't have to look for another apartment.

What you need to do is kick him out. As long as you are providing and enabling his behavior, things will always be this way. Get a lawyer too if you can. I've seen this kind of behavior over and over again in my lifetime and the only way to end it is to end it. Don't be surprised if he finds another sugar momma really quickly too once he figures out you mean business.

[Jazzgirl]

20. That is exactly what my ex did Cleita.

After I finally (10 years later) put his ass out he moves back to our home town and immediately finds someone else and has been doing the same to her for the last 26 years. Better her than me and I have trouble believing I dealt with it for ten years! :mad:

[Cleita]

23. Sad to say but all these type of guys are looking for

is a meal ticket. Best to get out sooner rather than later. I sincerely hope the OP can work out her problems with her husband and that he's redeemable, but she will have to make this first step to find out.

[Jazzgirl]

31. I do too Cleita. I know what that misery is like.

It isn't any fun struggling from day to day not knowing if you're going to make it or what bill isn't going to get paid. Hell....you can do that all by yourself. Why have another able bodied adult that doesn't want any responsibility drag you down. My ex's reason was that I made more money so he shouldn't have to work if he didn't want to. He didn't think about the fact we had bills for two people. He wasn't thinking ahead like saving for a house or anything. I really know how the OP feels and I sure hope she finds a good resolution.

[alphafemale]

21. There's no way I can afford this place on my own. That's why I want to downsize.

Thanks for the the tough stuff advice, though.

As far as another sugar momma? He's had a willy nilly for a couple of years now, so that's unlikely.

[Cleita]

25. It's your decision and I wish you the best. n/t

[bobbolink]

13. So sorry, alpha... so many women are in this situation.

This is always the case for women, but more so now.

It's hard for us to stay away from men unless they are grownups, but it's something we must learn to do.

Best to you....:pals:

[alphafemale]

58. I am about damn ready to put a lid on my nurturing nature forever dammit.

At least when that nurturing comes at my own detriment.

:rofl:

:hug:

[eridani]

103. I suspect you have a higher purpose in life than being compost for one of the origninal

"lilies of the field." :hug:

[bobbolink]

149. Sadly, I very much understand. For so many years, I've been the one that many turn to,

KNOWING they can count on me for support.

But, it never seems to get to be MY TURN.

I'm empty. Predictable.

And that is the great sadness of our society. We wear out those who care and nurture, and expect more and more of them until they are burned out.

Yet, we claim to be such a compassionate society. BULLSHIT.

:nuke:

Be good to yourself, and I hope that you can keep your nurturing heart. That means finding people who can nuture YOU in return! Hard to find!

:pals:

[Solly Mack]

14. ((((alphafemale))))

[alphafemale]

59. ((((Thanks))))

:loveya:

[shireen]

15. hang in there ...

are there family and friends you could stay with for a while till you save enough to get your own apartment? I hate asking for help, but sometimes, there are things you can't do alone.

[alphafemale]

60. No family near by. Friends are a possibility.

That's complicated though as just leaving would leave my sister in the lurch.

This is her house we are leasing and I don't think she could easily rent it again in this economy.

[Hekate]

194. Is it possible that you could take in a few roomies? Working steady, references, etc.

Perhaps your sister will help you make it plain to your husband that he is the one who will have to move out. She might not like it if you move and he (the layabout) stays behind.

Actually roommates didn't work out that well for me 30 years ago, but at that time I barely had a spinal column after my ex finished with me. That doesn't mean it wouldn't work for you -- my 31 y.o. son seems to do fine with roomies in his house to help defray his mortgage: he gets along, is friendly enough but not friends, and occasionally has asked someone to leave for persistent late rent or the like. Many people in this high-cost town rent out a room, sometimes more than one.

Beyond that I just want to say that when I divorced my ex, making the decision was the hardest part. Once I got that far, I still felt as though I was walking in the dark, and that the only light was that which would appear by my feet as I took the next step. I had two pre-schoolers and no job and had just moved here. It was a scary time, but I knew I would find my way. I knew in my bones (even in that shaky spinal column) that I deserved better than what my ex had dished out to me for the previous 6 years.

You deserve better too. You, too, will find a way. I know we DUers aren't in close physical proximity to you, but we are rooting for you and sending you love and supportive vibes. And :hug: and :grouphug:

Be well,

Hekate

[MrsBrady]

197. a lot of people are renting right now, and not buying....

I think if she knew what kind of situation you were in, wouldn't she want him out of there?

maybe it's not as hard to rent as you think?

good luck to you, no matter what you do.

[defendandprotect]

16. Is it just you or do you also have children to worry about . . . ???

Any family nearby?

Friends?

Really bad news and hope that you find some way to get out of this.

:-(

[alphafemale]

32. No small kids thank gawd. 18 and 21.

Not his. I had that much foresight at least.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

17. I can only give you words of support

and, I hope, comfort. Things couldn't be much worse for you right now, looks like.

I wish I could fix it for you. I wish I could make it all better. But I can't.

I'll just hold you in my heart and wish you everything good...................

[alphafemale]

62. Thank you. Your heart feels like a good place.

It will get better I think. Some tough choices are ahead. That much tougher because I've avoided making them for so long.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

18. Good vibes and a helping hand

Here in Arkansas, we have programs where they fix up cars and give them to folks who have jobs but no reliable vehicles. You may wish to check up on a program like that near you.

Is your husband doing anything now--even collecting cans? If not, could you kick him out for not helping with things? I mean, why should you have to go looking for another place to stay? (But if you feel you must go, have you looked into house sitting for someone? Around here, that's how many folks make it through the winter.)

I feel for you, and sincerely hope your position improves soon.

[alphafemale]

64. Well...he was just fired Friday. But this has been a pattern.

He is still playing the victim at this point. My theory is that is you have had 453 employers in your life and it has NEVER been a successful relationship...the chances that ALL of THEM have been at fault, and they have ALL failed to recognize and appreciate your talent...is rather astronomically small.

:hi:

[JHB]

178. I have a cousin who fits that description

One of those guys whose resumes would almost look better if they'd spent the last 20 years in jail. At least then they could say all they need is a chance. Instead they've already been given one...and another, and another, and 453 anothers. The odds do not point upward.

Have you considered setting up a pay-pal account or something, and firing off an emergency flare: "I'm in a jam, if you can spare a few bucks, it would really help". I don't think it costs anything, and if you're lucky jingling a virtual cup might give you the lifeline you need right now.

Just don't go soft on ditching Mr. Groundhog Day.

[Jazzgirl]

19. Oh alpha, I really, really feel your pain.

Been there and done that and I put up with it for almost ten years. I believe the longest my ex worked in one job was the last one he had while we were together and it was the best paying job. I got so tired of being stressed and felt that I could do better all by myself than continue getting dragged down in the mud. He didn't care most of the time. Many times he would quit jobs because he just didn't feel like working anymore. I finally got fed up and put him out and filed for divorce. I got stuck with the bills but it was more than worth it. I had more peace of mind than I had had in ten years. Sending a big hug your way and don't feel bad about it. :hug:

[alphafemale]

66. Stressed is right. Thank you for being a light at the end of the tunnel.

I can do this too.

:hug:

[Berry Cool]

78. That's the spirit.

:hug: So sorry for what you're going through. But do try the roommate thing. You just might find another woman who has a decent job and just needs a place to stay for a while. Maybe even one who has realized that for some reason or other, SHE has to leave HER man. And you can be a help to each other.

Good luck.

[Barack_America]

22. alphafemale, have you considered contacting domestic violence sources in your area?

They specialize in finding living situations for women who might not have the money for first/last month's rent on a new place.

I sincerely hope that violence is not involved in your situation (though it certainly sounds like neglect is, and I'm sorry for that), but the sources I mentioned might be able to give you good advice on how to proceed.

Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

:hug:

[alphafemale]

68. thanks. But there is no violence.

Those sort of funds, which I'm sure are also limited at this time. should be for people who are actually in danger.

I'm just fed up to my eyebrows.

:hug:

[Barack_America]

79. Oh, I wasn't talking funds. Just advice.

As in, do they know of landlords willing to help women out and that sort of thing. And, do they know of free or low cost counseling services. I don't know how you feel about counseling, but I've have been in a similar situation as you before and I found it tremendously helpful to have someone to bounce ideas off of.

Whatever you decide, best of luck to you.

:hug:

[SoCalDem]

24. That sucks..in spades..

First of all you need a HUG :hug:..

Now you need a plan..

Without knowing if there are children involved, I;m assuming there might be..

Do you have any family close by?.. It sounds like you may need to leave the situation.

It may be time to stop putting up with an untenable situation..

If you are reduced to selling blood, you certainly need some serious help..

Call family services and get yourself an appointment. They may not be able to do much, but the very act of your doing something, might pick up your own spirits, which are pretty low now:hug:

Are you involved in any church? Maybe there;s a kind person there who can help you.

Many times we just eat our own pain, and all along there was someone who would have helped us.. but we have to ask..

[alphafemale]

35. There's not really any family close by.

But we are leasing my sisters house. I actually wonder if that's not more of a liability at the moment though, because I'd hate to leave her in the lurch with a vacant house in this economy, but there is NO WAY I can continue to pay what I have been on my salary alone.

Also awful is that hubby and I were supposed to be in a financial position to assume the mortgage in a another year or two.

That's another thing that's not happening.

There is more than just me that is going to suffer for this. I dread the phone call to her. I really do.

[SoCalDem]

37. CALL her... don't wait.

Maybe you can move HIM out, and get a roommate who will pay their share of the rent..

BTW, she may already "know"..and may have been reluctant to say anything:)

[janx]

44. Very Good Point!

She probably does.

[Neecy]

75. a roommate is a good idea

Post an ad on craigslist but be sure you specify that you want a working professional person, ask for a deposit and don't be afraid to ask for references. Figure out how much you need to make rent and have a set of house rules that the person can agree to. Honestly, at least you'd have someone contributing to the household instead of sucking it dry.

[Changenow]

109. Get credit rating and call roommate's employer for

reference. Don't believe sob stories, you aren't in a position to be charitable now.

[alphafemale]

91. OK I did this.

It is still a "where do we go from here question. though

[defendandprotect]

97. Don't know what you might have worked at before . . .

but there are a lot of people here with creative ideas.

Would the garage that has your cars have any kind of work?

Oddly enough, the big car dealership near us is closing and that will be

a positive for the other smaller places around by us servicing cars.

Maybe they have telephone or secretarial or bookkeeping work you could do

to offset repairs on your car?

Also -- there seems to be a lot of domestic employment with senior citizens.

Their families see the need for more constant companionship than they can provide.

My husband just mentioned his boss is looking for someone for his mother who is

quite healthy but forgetful -- and the applicant wants $100 a day!

He didn't seem to be saying that there were any unusual talents involved --

nor required to be a nurse -- but the woman has been recommended.

Older people need a lot of ordinary help - like with laundry and keeping track of

medications -- someone to help with dressing/showering, etc. Cooking.

You might leave your name at a Senior Citizen residence.

Once you had employment, perhaps the garage would fix your car against payment later?

My best wishes.

[alphafemale]

102. Thanks. I have a reasonably good job already.

It's just a matter of car repairs coming secondary over the ordinary bills.

[Changenow]

108. Replace husband with sane boarder/roommate

The house is yours, kick him out and find someone reliable to share the rent.

[lolly]

132. Could she help out?

Is there any way she could cut your rent just enough for you to get by for 2-3 months until you can find a roommate? Even is she gets, say, 1/3 less money, that's more than she would be getting if the house were vacant. And it doesn't sound like he'll be contributing much more that that anyway.

[wordpix]

187. get a good, reliable roommie and say bye bye to hubby - at least until

he acts like a man and learns how to hold down a job.

[K Gardner]

26. It *is* a hard road you have ahead, but certainly not as unfulfilling as the one you will leave

behind.

My thoughts are with you.

Search for all the support groups and community assistance programs you can. Good women's groups really are out there and help is available. Avail yourself of ALL of it.

Scary, yes.. but a new beginning that you will one day cherish and be thankful for.

Thank you for sharing :-) :hug:

[alphafemale]

80. The previous road had the strange pattern of circling back on itself.

Thanks for taking a moment.

:hug:

[laylah]

27. Been there, done that,

and I am so sorry :hug: For me, the Universe had to take care of it because I am/was not strong enough...I would be now. The best to you.

[alphafemale]

81. Thank you. The universe intervened. Are you saying yours was hit by a meteor or something?

:rofl:

:hug:

[laylah]

107. if only...

:rofl: :hug:

[alphafemale]

28. -----Thanks everyone. Your response is overwhelming me at the moment.

:cry: :hug:

:loveya:

[Barack_America]

39. Don't feel like you have to respond to everyone. Just take care of yourself.

:hug:

[DainBramaged]

61. I put you on my "when I win the lottery" list

All my best, I pray you can find solace and peace, and get away.

[madrchsod]

29. that`s why we are here...so...

what ever happens down the road i sure hope it`s better than today.

[alphafemale]

73. Thanks.

It'll be a new road at least. This one is going nowhere.

[EFerrari]

30. Been there, have the tshirt.

:hug:

[alphafemale]

76. tshirt?

You at least got a tshirt out of this lousy deal?

:rofl:

:hi:

:hug:

[janx]

87. I never got a T-shirt out of my sordid experience, but I got T-shirts

that made me very proud--from my kids--after I chose to leave. ;-) I'm wearing one of them now, in fact. It says "Alaska Ice Field Expeditions." The logo is a paw print.

Your kids are now young adults and will be able to weather this. It will probably be one of the best things that ever happened to them and to you.

Talk to your sister and make your plans!

[EFerrari]

105. It was in the wash when I helped him move.

lol

:rofl:

Whatever you decide, :pals:

[kitfalbo]

33. meh.

Remember when you could run a household with 1 parent income? I don't blame feminism it's only an excuse by the corporations to slowly pay people less until the make it so that a couple both need to work full time to support a family.

[RiverStone]

34. Really tough place to be - when your heart knows what your head...

...does not want to hear.

Been there. The journey ahead may seem daunting, but it sounds like you know what you need to do.

Best wishes following your instincts; when the dust settles, you will be in a better place. Just try and take care of yourself, eat healthy, get sleep, and reach out to others (including DUers).

Peace~ :hug:

[alphafemale]

84. yeah i know. Time to stop throwing good years after bad.

:hug:

[janx]

40. MAKE THE LEAP!

I have been in your situation and lost a lot of money because of it. I made the leap three and a half years ago and am struggling to survive, from paycheck to paycheck, and most of this is due to the economy. I'm lucky to have work.

But I'm proud that I'm doing it, and I will do whatever it takes to support myself and the one daughter who is still living with me.

I know well the trapped animal feeling, on a number of levels. You can do it. Start making plans!

:hug:

[alphafemale]

85. I wish I had the funds to add some hearts to your list. Thank you.

:loveya:

:hug:

[janx]

94. I don't have the funds either. I'm counting every dollar.

But you can do this.

I remember feeling like a rabbit in the shower. You can do this. Please call your sister and start making plans!

:hug:

[LynzM]

42. Hang in there, dude....

I'm sorry that you're in that place, where you know what you need to do, but the doing is really, really hard. :hug: I wish you all the best for the future, and more peace and stability than you have right now.

[4 t 4]

46. Ah good luck to you

that's really just awful. Take care and I hope thing work out for you.

[Blue_In_AK]

47. Alpha, I've been there.

I'm not going to tell you what to do -- but from my own experience getting out of a similar situation -- or I should say situations, since I was a hardhead and made the same mistake twice -- even though it was difficult, it was necessary for my own sanity and peace of mind. You can only be used as a doormat for so long.

Best of luck to you.

If you need to vent, I'm a good listener -- PM me.

[Leftist Agitator]

50. Leave NOW, before he gets violent.

You don't want to see what a desperate man will do when his last means of support is severed. You REALLY don't...

Seriously, it sounds like this has been a long time coming. He will lash out at you, perhaps violently, perhaps not, but YOU will be the target of his wrath if and when that time comes.

Hugs to ya, Alpha.

:hug:

[alphafemale]

88. I'm not worried about violence. Just an attempt to take me down the GUILT HWY.

Bullshit I say.

[wellstone dem]

52. I wish you lived by me, I've got a room for you.

As it is....:hug: :hug: :hug:

[alphafemale]

89. The hugs mean a ton.

:hug:

:loveya:

[alphafemale]

96. Awww!

:loveya: :hug:

[liberalmuse]

57. I'm so sorry. I had a friend with the same problem.

Her husband was in a rock band and she was the one working all the time. She'd finally had enough, got divorced, got her college degree and became one of the best teachers around. She eventually remarried. Your vent is not self indulgent. Enough is enough. Sometimes it's better to be a lone for awhile than to feel trapped by someone who is dragging you down. :hug:

[alphafemale]

90. Thank you

:hug:

[Ichingcarpenter]

63. ALL I can send you are good vibes

and a hug.

I've got my own nightmare happening with this economy.


:hug:

[alphafemale]

110. Good Vibes are a blessing.

And I'll take any hug I can get.

:pals:

[proud patriot]

65. similar situation for me

It's super hard when your partner isn't much
of a partner .

my inbox is open if you ever need a shoulder or
to rant .

Trish

[alphafemale]

111. Thanks.

This sucks.

:pals: :hug:

[proud patriot]

166. You bet

:pals:

[Supply Side Jesus]

67. If the bad times out number the good times

It's time to go. There is hard times, which are different because they are brought on by forces beyond your control. Yet, when things get rough, and nothing is done to remedy it, you got to fend for yourself. They broke the agreement. Be strong Alpha.

The reversed happened to me. I was putting myself through the night academy, working full-time graveyards and started a union at my agency. I was so busy trying to improve my career, I forgot what was important, so she left. Can't totally blame her, she was really lonely. Things got better eventually. Guess it was best to find out then, and not 15 years later when I was a lot older.

[alphafemale]

112. It's been a matter of going through the motions for a long time now.

It will probably be a blessing for both of us in the long run.

[The Hope Mobile]

69. Been there, sister. Will he be able to get unemployment? (Don't know the circumstances).

Maybe he could check into a census job? Do you have an Angel Food ministry in your area? Is he ADHD or borderline? If he could get diagnosed that might help get things either more on track or at least get some disability. Could he be depressed? I know nobody can fix this for you but I'm more than happy to listen cuz I've really been there. Does he know you're at the end of your rope? See how long it takes him to get a real job. Good luck, sister! You're in my thoughts. :pals: :hug:

[alphafemale]

113. Hey to you, Sistah.

You hang tough too..okay?

:hug:

[The Hope Mobile]

140. Thanks! More worried about the kids right now but, like you, I'm kinda

at the end of my rope. I know I don't have the energy to keep doing this and patching up my kids over and over.

[misanthrope]

70. Condolences. Here's something that might cheer you up...

...About 15 years ago, I had a pretty bad run of fortune.

I was in an auto accident that only did enough damage to my car to keep it from running.

For the next month, I saved up money and was ready to have it fixed when I blew my knee out. I couldn't work.

Within weeks I was mobile again and returned to my job. At the end of the month, the facility changed hands and my position was eradicated.

The next month, my girlfriend/fiancee left.

I sank into depression and found a job thanks to a neighbor.

Things eventually got better but before it was all over with, I was living for a short while in a place with no utilities of any sort, no money to my name, no vehicle, just a dog who loved me. There were days I skipped eating and bought rice and flavored it with soy to keep my dog's stomach quiet.

Now, I have a wife who loves me, a great house, all the basic material comforts. That great dog spent her remaining 14 years in luxuriant comfort surrounded by a family who loves and misses her still.

But we've still got problems. My job is waning away. I'm now on disability for physical problems. I'm exceedingly unhappy with the town where we live and it wreaks havoc on my well-being. But for many reasons, we can't leave.

I, too, feel like that trapped animal you conjure.

But I still have to convince myself it's going to get better. After all, it's been worse and I made it through that.

[alphafemale]

114. Your mention of just you and the dog brought to mind a review of a book I'm wanting to read.

Breakfast at Sally's. About a guy who was at the top of the world and ended up homeless. He concedes that the only reason he didn't kill himself at one point is that he worried that no one would take care of his dog. :cry:

http://www.breakfastatsallys.com/

I think I'm meant to read this book. This is probably the fourth reminder I've had about it in a couple of weeks.

:pals: :hug:

[aikoaiko]

71. I hope you have the courage & strength to do what you need to do.

I'm local, let me know if
i can help.

[alphafemale]

116. Thanks.

:hug:

[FloridaJudy]

72. I hear you.

I've been looking desperately for work for months. My savings went in the stock market crash. I just had to borrow from my sister to make the rent, but she's tapped out too. The dog started peeing blood, and I have no money for the vet - thank the gods she seems better today, and isn't in pain. I'm also going to have to start selling my blood - if they'll even take it, since I've developed diabetes since the last time I was forced to do that - just to keep my computer connected so I can continue to search for work on line. My sixteen year old car is starting to make funny noises...

But awful as this all is, at least I don't have to support someone else who refuses to be productive.

Do what you have to do. If you have friends who will let you crash, do it. If not, look into the local women's shelters. It certainly sounds as if you're emotionally abused.

And here's a hug. I wish I had some way to make it all better.

[alphafemale]

118. Awww! I adore Calvin & Hobbes. Thanks for the smile.

I was actually donating Plasma, not blood. You can do that twice a week, but it takes an insane amount of time. About two hrs counting the time waiting just to do it. But it was about $55 a week which made a difference when options are limited.

[FloridaJudy]

156. Yup. I've done that.

It sounds creepy as hell, but when you think of it you're actually doing some good when you do it. They use that plasma to manufacture life-saving products. Of course when you consider how much more they probably charge for the finished product above the production costs and the amount they pay you for your plasma, they probably are vampires.

[conspirator]

74. 6 months is the minimum you should stay at a job, even if you don't like

I work as a contractor and my average time in a job is 9 months. I slack a lot. But I save enough money while I am working to make up for the slacks.

[alphafemale]

120. I know. His job history is littered with jobs he's held weeks or days.

He has the victim story down pat...It's always "Them."

:pals:

[leftofthedial]

77. I am so sorry.

I wish you strength and courage in getting out of this situation. You certainly deserve better.

[alphafemale]

121. Thanks

It helps to get this positive feedback. Definitely good for the resolve.

:hug:

[SammyWinstonJack]

82. !

:hug: I hope you can hang in or if not, I hope you can find peace of mind and a way out, if that is what you really want/need!

[alphafemale]

122. Yeah. It's time to get out. Past time, actually.

I even still have a tiny sliver of dignity left to curl up and tuck in pocket.

:hi: :hug:

[TBF]

83. I had a husband like that - we were young and it only lasted 2 yrs.

I could only take so much, and there were other problems too. Do you have a women's center in your community? I had a great job at the time so I didn't need cash, but they helped me out a lot emotionally. Just people to talk to, and also seminars on how to get a legal separation, etc... it really helped when I found them.

I will be thinking of you, take care of yourself.

[alphafemale]

123. You're a fast learner then. Me?

Maybe not so much. :rofl:

:hi: :pals:

[TBF]

164. Not really - but I did have siblings looking out for me. They kept me

from going back.

[Dappleganger]

86. Big hugs to you.

Don't know what else to say, except to hang in there and don't give up.
You are worth it.

[alphafemale]

124. Thank you

The good vibes mean more than you can imagine.

:hug:

[applegrove]

92. I'm really sorry.

[alphafemale]

125. I'm actually glad to be awake.

The rest will probably be much easy than the past several years.


:hug:

[applegrove]

141. That is a good way to look at it. Vibes to you.

[NikolaC]

93. I Am So Very Sorry

that you are going through this. It's okay to vent and just get some of the hurt out. Nothing self indulgent about your post IMO. :hug:

[alphafemale]

126. Thank you

:hug:

Venting is good for the soul. You hear yourself saying...or typing...things you didn't fully realize you knew for a long time.

:pals:

[BlueCollar]

95. best wishes...

:hug:

[alphafemale]

127. Thank you

:pals:

I am gaining strength from all these Good Vibes.

[MrSlayer]

99. So why have you been sticking with this loser?

Apparently this guy has never contributed a thing and has been leeching off of you for years. Why do you keep him around? Kids? Feel sorry for him? He long in the pants? What's the deal? Why would you support this mooch for all this time? It doesn't sound like it's been fun at all. It seems like you have worked for everything so kick him the hell out of your house.

[alphafemale]

129. LOL! Thank you!

:rofl:

Living in the south for over 25 years sometimes leaves me starved for hearing people talk just like that.

[Dan]

100. I wish you luck....

But I don't get it, I just don't understand. I have three co-workers (females) and I've worked with them for years and none of their husbands work. All of them are stay at home - always looking, never finding something that lasted more than a few months. I just don't understand it...

[alphafemale]

130. I am so sick of it. i really thought he'd make a go of it this time.

Silly me.

:hi: :rofl:

[barb162]

101. Good that you have made up your mind

You can't take it anymore. Now you will be able to take action. That's a step in the right direction and you have a positive goal.

[alphafemale]

131. Yeah. The first step is an act of faith and will.

But jeepers what a journey lays ahead.

:pals:

[tavalon]

104. Does he have ADD?

Just the short description has a number of markers for it. And I'm Dr.Frist (kidding).

No matter, it sounds like you are at the end of your rope and I'm so sorry for you.

[alphafemale]

133. At this point I don't really give a rat's ass. Is that too blunt?

:rofl:

Thanks though.

:pals:

[tavalon]

170. Nope, quite reasonable

Clearly, there comes a time when enough is enough.

[DUlover2909]

106. Cheers and good thoughts to you. I hope you find a way out.

:grouphug:

[alphafemale]

136. Thank you.

The good vibes mean quite a bit.

[cherokeeprogressive]

115. When one door closes, another opens.

I sincerely hope that you're opening the door to a happy, fulfilled life.

Years ago, when I separated from The Daughter of Satan, it was a hard road for quite a while. I moved into a two bedroom apt. with my little sister and her 7 year old son. I shared his bedroom for over two years. I owe her much. I was a teacher on the front end of a one year license suspension for DUI. A bike was my only transportation, rain or shine. When she could, and our schedules allowed it, she'd pick me up or drop me off if it was cold or rainy. She was the only thing that got me through that period.

I hope there is SOMEONE in your life who can help you in the same ways.

Today I am happier than I've ever been because I was lucky enough to be in the path of the kindest, gentlest, most generous person I've ever met.

My sincerest hope is that you wind up in the same situation.

Best of Luck to You.
Chris

[alphafemale]

138. "The Daughter of Satan" huh? I guess mine would merely be "The Son of Sham."

Thanks for the laugh. Those help.

I'm happy things eventually worked out for you.

:hug:

Lori

[mrs_p]

117. positive vibes your way

sounds like tough times from the beginning. money shouldn't be why you have to stay with someone - is there anyone that can help you? also, i would seriously consider getting a professional counselor to help you - may be your work has a mental well-being benefit where you can see a counselor for free for a couple of sessions? or may be someone from your faith community? best hopes for you for all around health!!

[alphafemale]

139. The positive vibes mean more than you can imagine.

:hug:

[Mother Of Four]

119. My thoughts are with you-

I hope things get better for you soon.
:hug:

[alphafemale]

144. thank you

It's going to be tough for awhile. But I can no longer bear the way things are.

:hug:

[Tyler Generation]

128. I got laid off

For the 3rd time in 2 years and apologized to my fiance for like an hour. I just felt bad because she has to foot more of the bills again, thankfully she has a great job, we rent and we don't have kids. I can't fathom how anyone could get themselves fired right now.

Good luck to you, I'm sure there's better things out there to come into your life!

[alphafemale]

145. He even had a months notice to bring his performance up to par.

Instead of improving he slacked off.

Hugs to you. I hope you find a new job quickly.

:pals:

[Tyler Generation]

151. Thanks sister

I think my friend got me a job supervising a survey place, I'll know for sure tomorrow.

[closeupready]

134. I'm going through something similar right now, and what comforts me is the thought

and knowledge that my situation could be much worse. When I think about that, I am like, lol, things really aren't that bad.

But you have warm thoughts coming your way, and I hope you find better days ahead. :) :hug:

[alphafemale]

146. The good vibes mean a tremendous amount.

Thank you.

:hug:

[AyanRand Is Dead]

135. I hope you end up with someone

whom will not only love you, but is willing and hopefully able to provide for you and your family.

[alphafemale]

147. I love your screen name. But that whole somebody else isn't even in my thoughts now.

:rofl:

Thanks though.

:hug:

[Fire1]

137. I 've always said, 'you can be broke by yourself, you don't need

help.' You'll be better off and time heals all wounds.

[alphafemale]

152. Thank you.

It will just take some time. I just regret the wasted time.

[liberalhistorian]

142. I don't blame you at all and would be

leaving, too, if I were you. Employment is not black and white, employees are not all perfect and employers are not all bad. If someone can't keep a job for more than six months at a time, then there's something wrong with them, not their employers. And if they expect their spouse to pick up the slack while doing nothing for them in return, then they really have a problem. Called selfish-refusal-to-grow-up-itis. I've seen both men and women who are like this. And it's different than having a medical or mental condition that makes employment difficult despite your best efforts. Very different.

Your husband needs to grow the hell up and you need to start worrying about yourself for a change. I wouldn't give in to any of his pleadings, either, because he'll just return to the same old ways as soon as you give in.

[alphafemale]

153. He is well skilled at the victimhood.

He can go try to peddle that stuff down the street, though. I've had enough.

[raccoon]

180. Is he a substance abuser, by any chance? Sure sounds like it.

But, be that as it may, sounds like you need to kick him to the curb.

[Flying Dream Blues]

143. It sounds like you are finally at the threshold, the doorway to a new

future. Once you walk through that door mentally, you will never consider going back. I guess you can tell I'm speaking from experience. For me, it's been 12 years since I made that decision, and now in my new, much happier life, it's hard to imagine myself back there, or even worse, STILL there. No that it was always easy by any means, but even the tough times felt better than being trapped. I also saw that I was much more lonely with this person who dragged me down than I ever was by myself. From the little you've said of your history, I can tell you have everything you need and more to take care of yourself.

Hugs to you and positive vibes your way for courage, resolve and success...which I know you will find.
:hug:

[alphafemale]

154. Thank you. That is encouraging.

:pals:

[MajPayne2]

148. Sweetie,

I am a newbie and I know my thoughts don't mean much here but, as a black man, I have watched this cycle over and over again with female family members. The only difference was that the bums saying it was them were saying it was the man keeping them down. I cannot tell you what to do, nor can I guide your actions. However, I can say that there are roughly 140,000 DUers out there that support you. I love you just because you are here. Now, I do not know the guy personally but I can say that if the situation is as you say it is, it will not change. What you have to do is decide if you want to keep banging your head against that wall or step around it and move forward. Car repairs be damned. I'll give you a bike. If you want change, you make it. But, before you make your move, have a definitive plan. That way, you know exactly what your next move is and the parasite doesn't. You have to determine when enough is ENOUGH! I support you 1000 percent and my hugs come from MD to GA. Don't let a do nothing man hold you back. My wife would kill me if I put her through this bullshit.

[alphafemale]

155. I'm looking into rooms for rent within bike/walking distance to work.

:hug:

[dana_b]

150. oh my dear alphafemale...

we have similar tales. My hubby (seperated, divorce pending)was fired from two jobs. I don't know why he was fired from the first (never fessed up) but I do know that he was fired from the second for stealing. I worrked my butt offas a RN while he put in one application a day and played video games. I got pissed off, of course, but he would say that there was noone hiring. I knew better. Finally I'd had it up to here and we seperated. It was the best and hardest decision of my life.

I also didn't know how I'd do it but you can. Look to your friends and family. I hope they'll be a fantastic support. Good luck to you and my daughter and I are sending you LOTS of good vibes!:hug:

[alphafemale]

161. Thank you

The good vibes help a lot.

:hug:

[Shakespeare]

157. You're on the verge of sweet, sweet freedom (let me tell you MY story).

I was in your shoes two and a half years ago. My then husband, who'd always had an iffy job past (and that should've been a HUGE red flag for me before we married), totally changed about six months after we married. It was like somebody flipped a light switch--that's how extreme the change was. First, he started refusing to contribute ANYTHING to household expenses, leaving me holding the bag for every bill we had. Then he started drinking more and more, and became verbally and emotionally abusive. Then he lost his job, and just flat-out refused to look for another one.

My heart goes out to you, because I know what kind of stress that has you under, and I hope that getting away from him will (eventually) remove that burden from you. It reached a point with me where I was literally afraid I'd drop dead from a stroke or heart attack (and I'm young and healthy!). It WILL kill you if you don't get away from it.

Two and a half years later, our divorce--which, naturally, I had to pay for every penny of--is finally going to be final/official soon. But that asshole still owes me money, and refuses to pay me back or even chip in for the divorce cost (but he just bought himself a new laptop, new blackberry, and god knows what other new toys). I still harbor a great deal of anger and resentment towards him for the havoc he wreaked on my life (which was successful and happy before he came along and fucked everything up). I'm doing my best to get over that, and in the meantime have met the love of my life, and an absolute prince of a man. If I hadn't gotten away from that nasty, abusive drunk and financial black hole, I wouldn't have Mr. Wonderful in my life now, so I'll take the trade-off.

Go through with the breakup NOW, and don't drag it out. Protect yourself as much as you can financially, and file for divorce as soon as humanly possible. Get that cancer out of your life, and move on--you owe it to yourself to seek out real happiness.

My thoughts and hopes and best wishes are with you, alpha. :pals:

[alphafemale]

163. Thank you. And I'm glad you found freedom and happiness.

Thank you for sharing your hopeful story.

:pals:

Lori

[Shakespeare]

165. It may be tough going at first--it was for me.

But it's SO worth it in the long run. Hang in there!

[haele]

158. Has he had a mental health check-up?

My husband was diagnosed with ADD/Rapid Cycle Bipolar when he was 26, after being dropped out of college twice and never being able to hold a job down for more than a few months. After 20 years, behavioral and emotional therapy and a stabilized medication regime, he's been able to finish college and successfully hold down what jobs there were in his area - usually being the last one to be let go.
If not for another genetic time-bomb he carried that has overtaken his life and left him disabled, he'd still be successfully employed now. The meds he's on now do not interfere with his creativity, his curiosity, his quick wit and mental strengths, they help him to regulate his low cycles and keep his ability to focus under control. He works part-time in an online job now, one that allows him to work when he's physically able to. It doesn't pay much, but it helps us keep a handle on the vet bills and the occasional small emergancy.

If your partner is chronically not able to hold down jobs, he needs to get himself checked out - he might be borderline on the functional side of the scale of mental illness, and may need assistance to become fully functional, if he wants it.

Good luck - and be honest with him about how this makes you feel. It's tough when you constantly end up having to be the bread-winner of the house, especially if you had thought that you were in a partnership for life. Sometimes, it feels like you are a single parent.

Edited because you said he was playing the victim card down pat -
My husband told me he used to do the same thing. Failed relationships left and right, as well as the failed jobs. He'd do good at his job, until he started getting bored - usually three paychecks in, and then he'd sabatoge himself, telling himself the boss "didn't care enough to give him a second chance" - and this after he'd be well on his third chance heading for that third strike. Going back to living with mom and dad.
It wasn't until his then wife (another loser) left him for his best friend and embezzeling business partner with their surviving baby and he didn't have anywhere else to go that he tried committing suicide and finally got the help he needed. He cleaned himself up, got his therapy and meds, stopped blaming everyone for the problems he caused, finished college and got a well-paying job. And eventually met me.

Sounds as if your partner is heading for the same hole my husband was heading for. He was only happy when everyone loved him; as soon as there was resistance or someone showed disapproval, he ran.
If your partner continues acting like the classic addict, not taking responsibility for his actions and not wanting to have a better life for himself (not just for the relationship, but for his own sense of accomplishment and self-respect), you will have to make arrangements for his not being there, and as soon as you can, leave. According to my husband, your partner probably just wants someone to love him unconditionally and take care of him at this point, and is subconciously trying to get back to a time where he didn't have to take responsibility for his failures.
And above all - make sure you seperate your finances from his. Give him an allowance if he doesn't work, just like you would a teenager that you don't really trust. You can't - if all he does is play the victim and sabotoges his job relationships, he'll have no problems taking the household funds and running. Take him off the access, even "in case of emergancy".

Haele

[alphafemale]

169. Much of that sounds eerily familiar.

.....Have you been spying on me? :rofl:



This may very well be so. But I still don't think I can deal with it anymore.

[SmileyRose]

179. Better or worse.........

Alpha, My husband's uncle lives with us. He is emotionally, intellectually and physically disabled. The stress created by the emotional and intellectual disabilities make living with him hell on earth. I remember his then-wife, my husband's dear aunt, sitting in our kitchen having a complete meltdown. Guilt, anger, neglect, sorrow, hate, love, pity - they were all mixed up in this toxic ball of scream and cry. A person can only take so much before they break - no matter how much love there once was and everyone outside the relationship thinks could carry it through the hell holes.

Your husband may be disabled and that's why he's a deadbeat pain in the ass -- or he may just be a plain old pain in the ass. The love that was and may still is there can only cover so much of it - and when you've had enough, then you've had enough. There are billions of humans on the planet, surely one of the them can take care of the disabled guy for awhile before it kills you - mentally or physically.

[glinda]

159. Sounds like you are taking steps to resolve your situation. You are talking about it.

Next step is to do what you feel is necessary to keep healthy and safe.

[alphafemale]

172. I am taking steps and looking at options now

Thanks for the encouragement.

[glinda]

174. ...and lookie at all the hearts too!

[ebdarcy]

160. I hope you can find a way to get out. You deserve better than what you're getting.

My best friend is in a very similar situation. She's been married for eight years, and in that time span, her husband has had about 25 jobs. Some of those jobs lasted less than a week. He does nothing for months on end. He'll sit at home and play video games or hang out with his friends. Meanwhile, she works 70-80 hours a week and takes care of their child. Plus, she has health problems, and I'm pretty sure that she's going to work herself to death. And there's nothing I can do or say. So please, for your own sake, get out. No one deserves to be treated that way.

Good luck. :hug:

[alphafemale]

173. I hope she finds her way free.

That sounds really awful. Especially since a child is involved.

:hug:

[Brooklyns_Finest]

162. I'm sorry if I sound sexist,

But what kind of "man" depends on a woman to support him? I just don't get it. I see these guys all the time, and I don't understand how they can enjoy being dead-beats. My dad always taught me that I need to get a good job and earn a good income to support my family. I have little respect for lazy dudes.

To the op, do what you got to do and don't take him back. You might miss him, but his kind will find another lonely prey soon enough. You said you have kids who are 18 and 21. Can you stay with them for a while?

[SmileyRose]

167. I disagree that "manhood" is about bring home money.

He was never out of work more than 2 weeks and normally worked a minimum of 80 hrs a week at 2 or more jobs. My parents raised 5 of their own kids plus my 4 cousins. My father barely made it through school but worked hard for small wages. He did everything on and off the grid he could think of make money. But there's no way he could provide a home for 9 kids on just his money making ability. He NEEDED Mom to work to help support him and all us kids.

After we all grew up and moved out he had a couple of heart attacked at a youngish age and became too disabled to work any job. He had no disability income and it took 4 years to get approved for social security and medicare. For 4 years Mom juggled working 60 hrs plus with keeping an eye on him. Us kids helped both by being there and by paying for everything we could. He died in 2007 of cancer and was sick a very long time. For the better part of his last 15 years on earth he needed a woman to take care of him. I mentioned once it must be hard on him. His reply? No man gets through life without the support of at least one woman.

I realize the deadbeat in the OP is of another sort. Given how often men do become disabled at some point in life - some younger than others - I just really needed to make the point that "manhood" is not about money. Granted I'm saying this from a woman's perspective.

[alphafemale]

175. I was raised to have a good work ethic too.

My kids are in no position to help. But they will probably cheer when they find out. :hi:

[ecstatic]

196. Sadly, that is becoming the case more and more

Times have changed.

[JustJeking]

168. :( I'm glad you're moving on

He'll never change. It's going to be hard, but in the long run, it'll be better. You'll wake up one day and life will just look a whole lot better. I was in a long-term relationship with a dead-beat, and am so glad that I was able to at last, break the ties with him.

Lots of luck!
j.

[alphafemale]

176. Thank you.

And welcome to DU

:hi: :hug:

[we can do it]

171. Here's A Hug For You, I Hope You Stick To Your Guns

I had a mental and financial drain like that a long time ago - and I am so glad I got out when I did.......Run don't walk away, we're here for you even if you can't see us.

[alphafemale]

177. I've just ot to make my plans without showing my hand too soon.

If you know what I mean.

:pals:

[we can do it]

181. Good Idea - I'll Keep Thinking Positive Thoughts For You

I know you can do it!

[Romulox]

182. So if your husband got a raise on Friday, your marriage would've continued?

[alphafemale]

183. UPDATE - I Think I may have found a Room to rent that will fit my needs quite well.

It will be within biking or perhaps even walking distance of work. This will be good, because as I said our vehicles are kaput right now.

I also had the "conversation." There wasn't even really any yelling. I think we've both known this is coming for a long while.

I'm pretty sure I have enough to put a hold on this place and maybe even get a bike. I really don't want to think about how to get rid of, split or store all the accumulated crap of a 15 year relationship. There's really not even much of it I want...except maybe my 'puter and my clothes

And the cast iron skillets. There actually may be a bitter custody battle over those.

[Barack_America]

184. That's great.

Best of luck to you.

How did your sister take the news about the house?

And, fight for those skillets, girl! ;)

[alphafemale]

186. And the mortar/pestle spice grinder dammit,,,,mine!

:P

[EFerrari]

193. You okay?

:hug:

[Shakespeare]

185. I'm SO happy to hear this!!

Congratulations on taking that first difficult step. I wish you all the best. :pals:

[wordpix]

188. skillets not worth fighting over - easy to find at Salvation Army stores - prioritize a clean break

onward and upward, lady! :grouphug:

[Hekate]

195. I am SO glad to hear that. Start packing. You'll start feeling the relief....

Just take good care of yourself, and thanks for checking back in. :hug:

Hekate

[OwnedByFerrets]

189. FWIW,, sending out

all the good thoughts I can for you. Unfortunately, its about all I can do. Good luck.:(

[Beacool]

190. Dump the bum!!!

Sorry, I know that it's easier said than done, but if this has been his pattern for years then he will never change. I've seen the type before, it's never their fault. It's always the boss' fault or their coworkers', but never theirs. I knew someone once whose husband thought that no job was good enough for him. Like a dope, she still supports him and resents it. Your husband appears to have become accustomed to you doing the heavy lifting when he's jobless. Well, these are tough times and everybody should pull their own weight. Throw him out or find a place to stay until you can get a place of your own. There's a saying, "Better alone than in bad company."

PS, MajPayne2 gave you good advice. You didn't mention children, are there any involved?

Hang in there and take it one day at a time!!!!

:hug:

[kywildcat]

191. I'm sorry.

:hug:

[Shardik]

192. I'm sorry for your situation AF.

I hope things improve for you quickly.