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This sounds like a fun time to revive an old DU Tradition: Customers from Hell!
DUers who joined after the spring of 2008 weren't in on the fun when I reported some of the brain-dead morans I used to serve as a lumber associate at one of DU's favorite companies.
Today's candidates for retail immortality are all flippers.
Candidate Number One presented with this old, filthy, fucked-up, moldy-ass shingle. "I need one bundle of shingles that are exactly this color." We examined the forlorn piece of roofing and determined it was a shingle from a company that went out of business before Bernie and Arthur started The Home Depot. Better, it was this greenish-bluish-grayish thing with red flecks and even a little bit of purple that no roofing company in the world can match. I asked how the rest of the roof was. "Oh, about this bad. I only want to replace the shingles over the hole I made in the roof when I fell through." I told the guy if he had a roof so bad he fell through he probably needed to tear off everything above the joists and start from scratch. "No, I'm flipping the house so I'm just going to fix the hole."
Candidate Number Two presented with a 34-inch-wide front door she needed a storm door for. Now understand, you can get a 34-inch storm door...but they are more expensive than 32" or 36" doors because they're special order, two-week lead time. "No! I want a $99 storm door and I want to take it home today! Nothing fancy. I'm flipping the house."
Candidate Number Three wasn't quite that unreasonable. All he wanted to do was put insulation in the attic of the house he was flipping, and he didn't really understand why R-13 wasn't good enough. (R-30 is code in North Carolina.)
Candidate Number Four wanted to make his flip fancy so he decided to build a deck...out of untreated lumber. As far as I know, that's not allowed by code either.
Candidate Number Five decided to paint his flip with modern, bright, fashion-forward colors to make it more appealing. This doesn't mean he was going to spend any more money than he absolutely had to, though: he chose "Contractor Paint," which is so thin you can't add colorant to it. Says right on the can, "do not tint." I got screamed at for ten minutes over that. (I finally defused the situation by shaking the Contractor Paint, removing the lid and showing the paint to him. The product is the consistency of milk. He didn't even want it after that, and he let me hook him up with some okay paint.)
Candidate Number Six tried to caulk 20 windows with three tubes of sealant--99 cent per tube sealant.
Candidate Number Seven presented in his Chevrolet S-10, which I have referred to as the strongest, most powerful pickup ever built after seeing some of the weird shit people try to haul in them. This fucking guy bought 30 sheets of drywall that he wanted to haul off in an S-10. That's only 1800 pounds, right? Well, the asshole got all the way out of the parking lot, hit a pothole and broke his back axle so badly one of the wheels came off. I told him that was gonna happen, but do they listen?
Candidate Number Eight decided to flip a trailer. He didn't like the floor plan so he tore out all the interior walls...without propping up the ceiling. Don't do this. The roof collapsed in the middle of the night.
Candidate Number Nine saw "Flip That House" and decided he could do that too. Unfortunately, he didn't have any carpentry tools. I sold him his first hammer. As you probably guessed, he couldn't do that too.
And then there was Candidate Number Ten. This guy worked for a construction company. He decided he could get rich as a flipper, so he bought ten repos and started working on them after hours. Unfortunately, he ran out of money so he started using his company's commercial account to buy supplies for his own flips. You get five to ten for this level of embezzlement.
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