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I split because her father hated that I wouldn't go to work for him after clocking out of my day job and because I had long hair (at the time) and because I had lived with his daughter before we got married, which to him was mortal sin and gave tarnished his family name. The ex and I had a disagreement one day about our oldest daughter rocking back an forth, standing up on a dining room chair. I first told her to stop that she might tip over and get hurt. She was two and a half years. She looked at me, smiled, and rocked it again. I told her again, more firmly this time, to stop. She challenged me again. Then, I raised my voice. That's when my ex-wife jumped in, to scold me for raising my voice. That led to our first real argument in 5 years. She suggested she take the girls to her parents house to give us both time to calm down, which I agreed was the best thing to do. Once there, her father began driving the wedge that ended our marriage. He told her that if she stayed with me, she would get nothing in is will. No land. No business. No house. No cash. He then told her that if she didn't get in her car and follow him back home, he would dis-own her. That got her attention because he had already done that to one of his sons. She failed to stand up to him.
Backing up a bit... At the time we were living in an apartment that he leased in his name because the one we had formerly lived in burned to the ground along with our dog and everything else we owned. So, next day after he ordered her to go to his house, he called me and said I could either vacate the premises immediately or he would have me evicted. I suspected at the time that that would be a blemish on my credit record and my grandmother offered me a room in her house, so I left. He did everything he could after that to make my life miserable and to keep me from seeing my daughters or talk to my wife. Eventually, we went to divorce court and guess who was right there beside her as she studied her feet? You guessed, Mr. Control Freak. Later we had a custody hearing and by that time I had moved back to Texas (this all happened here in VA). Since they were girls and I was making a new life in Texas, I agreed that she should have custody on the condition that I get my visitation rights, which were granted. All I had to do was give her notice that I was coming to see them. I got to see them two times. The last time I saw them, the oldest was 4 and the youngest was 2 1/2. The whole process of losing my family caused me to enter a deep depression and during those couple of years I didn't even want to see my parents to explain to them, or anyone else, what had happened. After I saw them a second time, I learned that my ex-wife was seeing someone else and it was serious. Until then, I had some hope she'd come to her senses and tell her dad to fuck off. But I realized it was never going to happen and I went off the ddep end and disappeared for awhile.
When I finally showed up at Mom and Dad's, Mom handed me a handful of court papers that essentially said that my ex had remarried and he had petitioned the court to adopt my daughters. I had never even thought of such a scenario, after all I was still a semi-clueless 20-something. The adoption was granted and my parental rights were terminated. My initial response was to fight it retroactively. I enlisted a lawyer both here in VA and in TX and, after a time, was told by them that I didn't have a chance and the only way I could see my daughters is with their consent, which I asked for and did not get. I resolved then to wait. I sent cards and letters through the years but never got a response. My oldest turned 18 in August and that meant I could finally attempt to contact her in person.
My partner in Texas, whom I'd spent nearly 9 years with at this point was supportive at first, even helping me with arrangements. Then I came to Virginia, where an old friend from those days long ago happened to have room for me and supported what I was doing. I finally saw my daughter face-to-face for the first time just two nights ago. She didn't really say anything, but I handed her a letter I had written in which I had included all means to contact me. I asked her to read it and, if she wanted to, to contact me. An hour later, I her from her adoptive father for the first time. He was very cool and understanding and he passed the message from her to me that she was just not ready to deal with such a development. We had a nice and productive conversation for about 15 minutes and he assured me that both my daughters, even the younger one who is 16 years old, know what's going on and have my address and phone number and that he also has it. I told him I respected their feelings and that I would wait as long as I have to for them to be ready enough to contact me. It was a very pleasant conversation.
Though I'm sad that it'll take more time, the pain and hearache I've carried all these years has been somewhat relieved. At least it won't weigh so heavily on me anymore.
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