*** DUzy Awards for week ending May 8, 2009 ***

JeffR

(1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore

Fri May-08-09 07:07 PM
Original message

Welcome to the swampless, ratless DUzy Awards, recognizing exceptional snark, enlivening satire and epigrammatic sass from the past week on DU. Congratulations to this week's winners!

The DUzy Awards might just be announced every Friday night. Previous awards can be found in my journal.

Note to Mods: Skinner has authorized the DUzy Awards to be posted in GD.

Special thanks to varelse, grantcart, babylonsister, dixiegrrrrl, Occulus, rocktivity, ColbertWatcher and NanceGreggs for their invaluable assistance with this edition.

OP by A-Schwarzenegger: How about a NON-LAWYER, NON-JUDGE for the Supreme Court?

It would bring a pair of fresh uncomplicated eyeballs to the Court. I think a lot of the issues that come before the Court get tangled up with legalities, technical words, and abstract notions. A regular but intelligent person who is free of lawyerly and judgerly thinking would bring the decision-making down to earth. I think most of the talking that goes on at the Court is just a bunch of lawyers and judges BSing and trying to show how smart they are anyway. If we can have actors and wrestlers and other relative idiots being President and Governor, let's have one on the Supreme Court and see how it goes for a while.

A-Schwarzenegger: If you need surgery, as many here apparently do, you don't need a lawyer OR a so-called doctor.

There are plenty places on the internet that show you step by step how to perform everything from burning a boil or hemorrhoid off with a curling iron to brain surgery with a jigsaw, a mirror and fingernail clippers. Let's try to get beyond thinking that only so-called professionals can perform certain so-called technical matters.

GD, May 1, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5576841

OP by Happyhippychick: Breaking: Next GOP Rebranding Meeting to Take Place at Taco Bell Drive-Through

This is how they plan to win over the Hispanic vote.

      Cleita: Breaking as well.

The RNC will be meeting in a phone booth because they have lost most of their membership.

      OffWithTheirHeads: When was the last time you saw a phone booth?

Or a sane Republican?

      Cleita: Oh about fifty years ago for both. n/t

      blogslut: Bite your tongue

You know very well they'll be meeting inside, at the booth by the bathrooms.

      TheCowsCameHome: I doubt it - the "Mexican" flu will scare them off.

They'll hold it in their usual gathering place - until someone needs to use the toilet.

      rurallib: They will be studying Bill Dana tapes from the '60s

to help understand the Hispanic mind.

GD, May 2, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5583500

OP by 20score: Hannity: “We’re Going For That Perfect Blend Of Stupidly and Sadism.”

“See, that’s the real difference between me and Rush,” slurred Sean Hannity in a rare moment of candor. “Sure he’s a true conservative, even a wing-nut like me, but he will say things just because he knows it will make him money. He doesn’t believe everything he says. But me, I believe all the shit I spout. I mean crap…whatever.”

Sean Hannity was at “The Wedding of the Decade” as the pundits were billing it, between Ann Coulter and Michael Savage. Insiders knew quite well that this was a wedding of convenience to see if their spawn would be evil enough to devise tricks not yet thought of, to revive the Republican Party in the future. There were of course naysayers, like Condi Rice, who were saying that there was a real danger of two negatives making a positive. But, that was a risk most were willing to take.

Sean was holding a cosmopolitan and spilling it occasionally when excited. “And who the hell does she think she is?” continued Hannity after a few minutes of silence. “I mean, yeah, we’re goin’ after Janeane Garofalo. She called us racists!” Here Sean paused to take another drink. “As someone who likes all the blacks who know their place, I take offense! So, we’re going after her. That’s what men like us do. We yell at women who are smarter than us – I mean who think they’re smarter... What did I say the first time? Oh, never mind.”

“So, what’s your plan, I mean all of your plans, for the party?” Asked Sam Donaldson, hoping to catch Hannity with his guard down. “Same as before, you know, we going for that perfect blend of stupidity and sadism and selling it all day,” said Hannity. “It works.”

Dappleganger: This definitely reads better after a couple of glasses of wine. nt

20score: Thanks,

I guess.

GD, May 2, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5583664

On a thread by babylonsister: An Invention That Could Change The Internet Forever

"The biggest internet revolution for a generation will be unveiled this month with the launch of software that will understand questions and give specific, tailored answers in a way that the web has never managed before.

The new system, Wolfram Alpha, showcased at Harvard University in the US last week, takes the first step towards what many consider to be the internet's Holy Grail – a global store of information that understands and responds to ordinary language in the same way a person does..."

      HopeHoops: It isn't that great. I just tried it.

I asked "What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything" and all it said was "42". Geeze.

      jberryhill: How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?

How can a loser ever win?

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?

Who wrote the Book of Love?

Who let the dogs out?

Oh, this thing is going to be fun.

      nilram: I just want to know "Is the stock market going up or down tomorrow"

Should be simple, really.

      jazzjunkysue: Yes, but can it explain George Bush?

I didn't think so.

      rateyes: What damn good is it? I asked it last week which horse would win the Kentucky Derby.

I lost my ass. It told me Seattle Slew. There wasn't even a fucking horse with that name in the race.

And see below for two Special Visual Achievement award from this thread.

GD, May 3, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5587944

OP by grantcart: CDC confirms outbreak of "Elephant Flu" in 26 states.

CDC confirms outbreak of "Elephant Flu" in 26 States.

AP
Atlanta, GA

By Dewey Cheetham

In an unusual Sunday press conference Acting CDC Director Dr. Richard Bresser confirmed that the dreaded "Elephant Flu" virus has been identified in 26 states, "This is the same strain that first identified in Wheeling, West Virginia on Feb 9, 1950, when Senator McCarthy babbled the following, 'The State Department is infested with communists. I have here in my hand a list of 205—a list of names that were made known to the Secretary of State as being members of the Communist Party and who nevertheless are still working and shaping policy in the State Department' most rational people new that a serious mental disease had entered in the public square, it continues to this day".

CDC epidemological experts believe that the number of people that are at risk for the flu has declined considerably because they have been getting such large doses of it over the last 8 years.

The CDC has issued the following bulletin listing the 5 stages of development of the Elephant Flu

Elephant Flu - 5 Stage Matrix

The stages of Elephant Flu are classified as hyperaccumulative, in that as the disease progresses the additional stages are added to the previous stages and do not supersede them. It is common for patients to exhibit all 5 stages of the disease. The symptoms generally follow a standard progression and are obvious in their stasis but in some cases the later stages are so pronounced that it is thought that they skipped earlier stages. The symptoms exhibit both chronic and remitting behavior and almost never relapsing although it generally gets more pronounced in 2 year cycles. It almost always is accompanied by serious failure of the histauthentic lobe of the cortex resulting in constant confusion of historical facts.

Stage One - Extreme Political Ego/Narcissistic Transmodulation

Identifying Characteristics: The affected person begins to transpose individual experience with metaphysical truth. For example if a person has a bad experience at a post office they might express it with the following comment "The Government is the Problem we should dismantle Department of Education." There is also a transposing of personal interests with both the individual's own larger group interest and historical fact. One of the most common manifestations with this is "The Founding Fathers were both good evangelical Christians and Capitalists". (note 1)

Notable Occurrences: The first recorded occurrencee was McCarthy's insistencee, without any independent evidence, that the US Army had tortured and denied the German soldiers who had murdered 90 American serviceman at Malmedy a fair trial.(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malmedy_massacre) Later this mumbo jumbo would be completely inverted and used by commentator Bill O'Reilly to assert that the Americans had executed German POWs (none of the Germans convicted of these crimes and sentenced to death actuallyreceivedd the death penalty.

Stage Two - Logic Impairment

Identifying Characteristics: When they are speaking normal people get severe headaches. They frequently take statements that have an element of truth expand the parameters until what seems like a statement that has a logical foundation becomes absurdity. For example, stating that tax reduction has a stimulative effect is logical when the variable tax rate can reach 60% but becomes increasingly illogical when the rate goes down. If it were true at all rates then a tax reduction of 9% on a 10% rate would be stimulative, which of course it is not.

Notable Occurrences: When Republicans move their lips.

Stage Three Apocalyptic Collapse Syndrome

Identifying Characteristics: The affected person becomes hysterical and links everyday events to end of the world with a perpetualeschatologyl interpretation that ascribes final “end of the world” epochal signs to normal everyday occurrences.

Notable Occurences: They can be seen daily on The Glenn Beck Show, even other affected people like O’Reilly consider him beyond treatment

http://pushingrope.blogspot.com/2009/02/glenn-becks-crazy-train.html. The affected person becomes delusional (here comparing Hitler and Jesus

http://crooksandliars.com/2007/09/24/glenn-beck-jesus-and-hitler-had-a-lot-in-common) and also show signs of megalomania (here arguing for a NAZI style Final Solution on all ‘Islamic Extremists’ http://crooksandliars.com/2007/11/06/glenn-becks-final-solution)

Stage Four Group Purification Syndrome

Identifying Characteristics: The infected sub group goes through a kind of obsessive nit picking and name calling among its own infected group in a relentless effort to achieve sanctity through purification not dissimilar to an OCD patient repeatedly washing their hands.

Notable Occurrences: See Goldwater vs. Rockefeller, Reagan vs. Ford, and the current Steele vs. everyone vs. Gingrich vs. Palin.

Stage Five - Batshit Crazy

Identifying Characteristics: You will know it when you see it.

Notable Occurrences: Too extensive to detail but since the original symptoms shown by Joe McCarthy there have been thousands of examples. Here are some recent examples showing geographic spread of the syndrome:

"I’m a foreign correspondent on enemy lines and I try to let everyone back here in Minnesota know exactly the nefarious activities that are taking place in Washington." Michelle Bachman

George Lambus, candidate (R) for Mayor of Jackson, MS: "Crime can only be alleviated by a noose and a stout tree limb. I will provide the noose."

Fox's Megyn Kelly asks ACORN spokesman: "You're going to send child rapists out to conduct the census?

Arguably the worst case to date:

Preventative measures: No prophylactic regime is known to have an effective barrier for the disease. The best preventative step is to stay away from small groups of close minded uneducated fearful people. Try and stay engaged with open minded well educated people with an altruistic mindset interested in history who are capable of transcending their own personal experiences and deal with complex abstract thoughts.

Note (1) The anachronistic claim about Founding Fathers reflecting modern concepts is the most classical and widespread evidence of the Elephant Flu, and the most easily dispatched. Capitalism was only organized as a replacement to mercantilism in the mid 19th Century (the New York Stock Exchange was, for example founded in 1817, and Dispensationalism -the precursor to the Evangelical Movement- was first proclaimed by Darby in 1832.

GDP, May 3, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8389090

OP by CoffeeCat: Think of the possibilities: Sarah Palin the Musical!

Some brilliant group of people must write, direct and choreograph "Sarah Palin: The Musical!".

Just use her own words, set them to show-tune-type music--and you'd have the most hysterical musical-comedy EVER to hit the stage.

Has Sarah Palin not said the most outrageous, bizarre lines EVER??? Set to Rogers & Hammerstein style
music--it would be a hit!

Can you imagine some of the numbers?

--I'm shakin up and fixin!
--No, no, no pal-ing around with terrorists!
--In what respect Charlie?
--Say it isn't so, Joe!
--Putin don't you rear your head in my airspace!
--All of 'em! Any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years!
--Thanks but no thanks!
--I'll find ya some and bring em to ya!

I'm telling ya...it would be deliciously hilarious...

      saltpoint: The dancing wolves scene would be a show-stopper.

      Stevenmarc: How do you solve a problem like Bristol

How do you spin a daughter that's knocked up
How do you solve a problem like Bristol
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A slut!

      Arugula Latte: And the showstopper: "You Betcha!"

Is the moon made of green cheese ... You Betcha!
Do Alaskans do as they please? ... You Betcha!
Should wolves be shot from the air? ... You Betcha!
Should governors have big piled-up hair? You Betcha!
Should every American be carrying? ... You Betcha!
Should only heteros be marrying? ... You Betcha!
Are liberals leading lives of sin ... You Betcha!
Is McCain destined by God to win ... You Betcha!

      Democrats_win: I'll be in Charge of the U.S. Senate!

GD, May 4, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5596505

On a thread by tridim: Whoa! Condi's face is messed up bad. Just on MSNBC

Did anyone else see that?

Mrs. Greenspan said it was an allergic reaction, but it looked like a shiner to me.

      rateyes: Wonder if she had dinner with Judge Bybee last night.

I hope it is just an allergic reaction.

      BuyingThyme: She's allergic to guilt.

      ChairmanAgnostic: NO NO NO! A thousand times, NO!

Sheesh, don't any of you folks read modern science and technology journals like Harry Potter? Can't you see that she was practicing spells with Dick Cheney's snake, and something went slightly wrong? Heck, you should see the snake.

      saltpoint: Perhaps we are witnessing a Kafkaesque metamorphosis in which

Dr. Rice, no longer able to bear the strain of duplicity in having visited violence upon innocent people, experiences the slow onset of transmutation of her flesh, her skin coarsening into a brittle, inflexible shell betokening a coarse, brittle, inflexible soul.

If anybody sees Stan Lee, tell him I have a screenplay he should read immediately.

      gratuitous: Interesting synopsis, but ultimately strains credulity

An underlying, unstated premise here is that Dr. Rice would have a conscience or a soul, and there's been no evidence of anything like that throughout her long career. File this one under "science fiction."

You'd have to really go back and have a long expository section where Dr. Rice is shown to have some kind of moral sense of right and wrong, and I'm just not sure it would be worth it. Look what happened to George Lucas when he tried to color in Darth Vader's background. I'm not sure the literary world is ready for another Jar Jar Binks.

GD, May 4, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5593151

On a thread by ddeclue: Ok folks: it's SpectEr not SpectOr....

Phil SpectOr is the record producer who just got convicted of murder.

Arlen SpectEr is the Senator who just switched parties.

The way people around are acting, maybe they really DO have these two confused and aren't simply bad spellers.

:eyes:

chollybocker: He's undecided, so it's Spect...errrr...

GD, May 5, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5596803

OP by Smith_3: Can a math teacher be put on trial for saying that the student's idea that 2+2=5 is nonsense?

:shrug:

If so, then I guess my math teachers violated the hell out of the first amendment.

      billyoc: Of course, I saw it on a piece of toast.

:rofl:

      Puzzler: I can just see the CNN "balanced" coverage of just such a controversy...

... two pundits on the left who say 2+2=4 and two from the right who say 2+2=5.

      radfringe: two from the right who say 2+2=5

well, that would explain why our economy is in the crapper...

      noamnety: 2+2=4.5

That's how rational thought plays out in this country - if it pisses off both the right and the left, that's proof it must be correct.

      wellst0nev0ter: The "Centrist" Answer! (n/t)

GD, May 6, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5602805

On a thread by RamboLiberal: Domino's billionaire says economy won't stop his vision of Catholic school, town

"The recession has a stranglehold on much of southwest Florida, but billionaire Thomas Monaghan's vision for the 1,100-seat church and the Roman Catholic school he created continues to take shape, even if construction isn't progressing as quickly as he had hoped..."

mitchum: Too bad he never had a vision for palatable pizza

KansDem: Well, now we know where all that recycled chipboard is going...(nt)

LBN, MAy 6, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x3865024

On a thread by Bucky: Michael Savage: "I will call for a boycott of all travel to Britain by my 8 to 10 million listeners"

      SoCalNative: As if those cousin-humpers

could afford to travel to the next town, let alone another continent.

      americanstranger: Well, there go those Tea Parties!

:rofl:

      walkaway: This will be a big relief to the 8 to 10 million people living in their

parent's basements who listen to his show. Now they can head to the Cote D'Azur instead!

      Hissyspit: Freedom Muffins!

      vinylsolution: Lucky Britain!

Savage's listeners probably don't speak the language, anyway....

      SalmonChantedEvening: 8-10 thousand is more like it.

And they're confused as to whether they shouldn't visit Britain Spears or Britain Murphy.

GD, May 6, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5606722

Poll question by ck4829: What's the flaw with Michael Savage's boycott of the UK?

Michael Savage wants his listeners to boycott trips to the UK, what do you think the problem with this is?

:bluebox: It would be pointless as most of his listeners are under house arrest

:bluebox: It would be pointless as most of his listeners are stuck in padded rooms

:bluebox: Most of his listeners don't leave their front yards for fear of catching "TEH GAY", "TEH LIBERAL", or "TEH ISLAM"

:bluebox: It would be pointless as most of listeners don't leave their houses because they think Obama will swoop out of the sky and vaporize them with his eye beams

:bluebox: Other (What)

At press time, "Other (What)" was winning with 55% of the votes.

GD, May 7, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5613431

Poll question by struggle4progress: How do you refer to the President

:bluebox: who?

:bluebox: Orack Bahama, who started the war in Iraq

:bluebox: That old dude with Sasha and Malia

:bluebox: Wazzizname. Michelle's guy

:bluebox: Mr. Barack

:bluebox: Obama

:bluebox: Mr. President

:bluebox: Yaaaaaaaay!

:bluebox: Sir! Yes, sir!

At press time, "Obama" was winning with 75% of the votes.

GDP, May 7, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8394683

On a thread by BOSSHOG: How does one "teach" "abstinence?"

Fuzz: Put everyone in a Rush Limbaugh costume.

GD, May 7, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5612328

OP by Mr. Ected: You and Glenn Beck, Alone On An Elevator. Power Goes Down.

What do you do? What do you say?

How many survivors?

      Canuckistanian: "Officer, I believe he slipped and fell..... Yes, sir, several times"

"Damndest thing I ever saw"

      Ikonoklast: Start to laugh maniacally. Strip naked.

Start singing "Helter Skelter" in a Pee Wee Herman voice.

Ask Mr. Beck if he feels especially near to his god at that very moment.

      arbusto_baboso: Vocal cords can be removed by hand, without anesthesia.

And I can do it. That's all I'm saying.

      LiberalHeart: I'd have him stoop down so I could stand on his shoulders, then...

...I'd push up through the ceiling panel and pull open the doors on the floor above and get out into the hallway. Then I'd tape a sign on the elevator doors at all floors saying "Elevator Permanently Out of Service. Any sound you hear coming from it is just the Glenn Beck Radio Show playing. Ignore it." Then I'd go to lunch.

GD, May 7, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5613412

OP by muntrv: So, Joe the Plunger wants to quit the GOP. On KO now.

:nopity: :silly:

      northofdenali: Sure he does.

Even with their complete meltdown, there's too much intelligence left in the GOP for Joe.

      Starbucks Anarchist: That's because he couldn't spell it.

      DontTreadOnMe: Can a shark jump another shark?

The Ultimate Shark Jump.

Is it time to drown the GOP in the bathtub.

GD, May 7, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5613939

OP by TheMachineWins: No stress for my business, I just need another $34 billion

so I can keep illegally manipulating your interest rates and fees. Oh that's right, it's not "illegal" if I get the corrupt politicians to say it isn't!

Vidar: Just invade some small country & wave the flag. That always works.

GD, May 8, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5615310

On a thread by Newsjock: Drug tests for chess club? Judge says no

"A Northern California high school district's drug testing of students taking part in competitive, non-athletic activities - such as the chess club, math team or school band - is an unjustified invasion of privacy, a judge ruled Wednesday in the first case of its kind in the state..."

Enrique: i could see cocaine helping a chess player

in the snort term at least, help with concentrating. Long term no doubt would be bad.

LBN, May 6, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x3865274

On a thread by babylonsister: An Invention That Could Change The Internet Forever

response #16 by Richard Steele

response #29 by whopis01

GD, May 3, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5587944

OP by Political Heretic: Most Recent Photo of Arlen Specter Shows Something Revealing:

response #11 by Occam Bandage

GD, May 4, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5594942

On a thread by Kadie: Chanel, the world's oldest dog, turns 21 - pics

response #19 by Beacool

GD, May 6, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5608323