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"Good evening. Thank all of you for coming.
I am hear to announce that as of tomorrow, we will start to withdraw all troops from Iraq and Afghanistan. I have concluded that there is nothing more we can do to improve the situation in either of those countries. Also, we can no longer afford the expenditures of war.
I have also concluded that the Guantanamo base should be closed immediately and all occupants presently at that military installation will be sent back to their country of origin. We have talked to the leaders of all those countries and they have said that they will monitor these folks closely and, in return, we will give them economic aid.
Furthermore, we are asking that the banks refund all monies that were received from the TARP program back to the taxpayers as soon as possible. We will then transfer those funds to the states in the form of a tax rebate, with the precondition that the money be spent on job creation. Also, I am requesting that all funds in foreign banks, from American citizens, be frozen until we can get an accounting of the taxes owed to the American people.
Also, I have decided, over the objections of Secretary Gates, General Petraeus, CIA Director Panetta, and General Jones at the NSA, to declassify all the photos that have been the source of controversy. If they feel that they cannot live with this decision, I will expect them to have their resignation on my desk by tomorrow evening.
And I am requesting that Senator Reid and Speaker Pelosi appoint an independent prosecutor and a truth commission to find out the truth about the torture and the possible crimes committed in the last eight years. We are a country of laws and no one is above the law.
Also, I have decided that the auto makers should get no more money from taxpayers until they close down their very profitable plants in other countries around the world. Just like the zombie banks, if they cannot compete in a capitalist environment, then they will have to go under. No one is too big to fail.
Furthermore, I am requesting that the Congress bring up a single-payer health plan to the floor next week. With that plan, I want to see a national program to educate more nurses and doctors. Their education will be free, so long as they agree to pay it back with community service once they complete their studies.
With our shortfall in revenues over the last eight years, I am requesting that the cap be removed from the Social Security taxes paid by the workers of America. Everyone will pay the same percentage on the income that they make. That is the fairest way to handle this shortfall.
I have more ideas and I will speak to the American people on those in the weeks to come. Thank you and God bless the working people that built this country."
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