I need advice on what in the hell to do with the bigot across the street from me.

[Hepburn]

There is a HORRIBLE woman who lives across the street from me. This is what this POS did this afternoon to my friends:

Today, I had my close friends come over. This family has been to my house many, many times. I consider them as though the parents were my children and the daughter was my grandchild. My best pal lives in the same development and she has the same feelings towards these people. The following is relevant to what took place: The husband is black (very dark skin), the wife is native-born Puerto Rican (medium-dark olive skin) and the child, a 14-year-old daughter clearly appears to be a black child of medium dark coloring. The horrible one across the street is age 70, blue eyes and blond with an Irish last name.

When my friends arrived, a different neighbor across the street, accoridng to my friends, made a remark about the same car being in my driveway again ~~ this was not done in a nasty manner, but rather it appeared this neightbor wanted to verify that it was OK for these people to be at my home while I was gone. The HORRIBLE one then pointed at my friends and my home and in a loud, nasty voice said: "THOSE PEOPLE are over there all the time..." and did this while pointing a finger directly at the black child.

I was then told this and I was livid. I called my best pal who is just as close to this family as I am and she came over, she verified what had been said and done and we agreed that we needed to speak to the HORRIBLE one and find out if there was a problem ~~ since it appeared that there was.

My pal and I, along with the 14-year-old child, went to the house of the HORRIBLE one and knocked and waited and waited. After a considerable time, MS. HORRIBLE came to the door ... WEARING AN OXYGEN GET UP ... but I could see it was not turned on. She just had the tank and the nose canula and no oxygen running.

My pal introduced the child to the HORRIBLE one and the HORRIBLE one to the child and asked MS. HORRIBLE if there was some problem. HORRIBLE denied that she even knew someone was at my house today, that they had ever been there before...protested way too much and it was clear that she was lying.

Now the even worse part: I said to MS. HORRIBLE if in the future she ever had any questions about who was at my home, could she please address them to me and not my guests....she blew up...and began screaming and yelling over and over:

"YOU FUCKING, LYING BITCH..." "FUCK YOU..." and "BITCH..." and screaming this while standing inches from the child's face. All of us were stunned. We are still not sure if she was yelling at me or the child, but we are pretty sure she was not yelling this at my gal pal.

What in the hell to do about MS. HORRIBLE? All advice will be appreciated. I am really upset about this ~~ I cannot and will not have my dear friends treated this way and I do not want them harassed or embarassed by them in the future for any reason....especially by a bigot like this. (BTW: My gal pal and I are both old white women...but sure as hell we are not a bigots like MS. HORRIBLE is.)

What to do?????

[BlooInBloo]

1. Wait for her to die.

[FLDCVADem]

2. Exactly

Who cares what she thinks? And whatever she might have said about your guests, you're the one that knowingly exposed the child to this idiot, and for no reason.

[Hepburn]

14. Well, we would not have done that if we had known....

...we thought maybe there was some misunderstanding about what was said or how it was said...and, yeah, it was a mistake to take the child with us. My pal and I thought we could make things better. Boy, were we wrong!

I had no clue that she would do what she did...however, my concern now is that this family comes to my home often. I do not want her standing on her porch and making any remarks to them like she did today.

I thought trying to work it out was a solution ~~ boy, was I wrong!

[FLDCVADem]

18. Unfortunately,

I doubt there is much you can do about any remarks she makes, so long as she stays on her own property. I would hope that she would have the decency to be embarrassed to show her face when that family visits.

[Hepburn]

22. Ummmmmmmm....

...I hope to hell she leaves my friends alone. She, IMO, is too much of a bigot to think that she said or did anything wrong.

[Raine1967]

65. Nice -- so let's turn this one around, MMMKAY?

Does that mean I get to slander people as long as I stay on my property? Really?

[Dorian Gray]

97. Sadly

yes. You get to talk all the shit you want about other people on your own property.

Of course, only assholes do this.

Sadly for the OP, there is little she can do about this. Just leave the lonely and hateful woman to stew in her hatefulness. It's ugly, and I'm sure she feels ugly because of it.

[lunatica]

34. I think she'll cower behind her curtains when your friends come by

She's a coward. She put her oxygen mask on so you wouldn't be mean to her. You actually won the fight in that encounter. See post # 31 below. Mrs. HORRIBLE is more afraid of you and is probably feverishly trying to find something she can accuse you of when you call the police on her. Just ignore her unless she does anything else. She probably won't.

[Raine1967]

63. Wha?

Knowingly exposed? What does that mean?

[Hepburn]

73. Flashed...???

:shrug:

[Warpy]

21. Practical advice

This woman is old and sick and she is not going to change at this stage of her life.

Confronting her today was the last and only chance she should ever get to be a human being.

If she screams at your guests again, just shrug and tell the kids, "Sometimes it's them and not you. This is one of those times."

Besides, wouldn't you rather see this old harpy than ever be her?

[Hepburn]

26. Thank you....

...yes, I did talk with my baby girl ~~ as I call her ~~ at length. I told her that what was said was wrong and the lady across the street was the problem, not her. That it did not work out trying to resolve the issue ... and that was OK because we tried and we found that she was beyond ever being a good person.

Boy, thank gawd I could never be a POS like that...!!! I have my faults, but, wow, they are nothing compared to what kind of hell MS. HORRIBLE must live in to do that to a lovely, young lady...all because of the color of her skin.

[Raine1967]

68. I truly appreciate something here.

you went to try to work out a possible misunderstanding. That is brave.

You went to work it out. More people would be better off trying that -- even if it doesn't work out. You have to start somewhere.

[Hepburn]

76. Thank you...

...and my pal and I discussed the issue of maybe there was a simple misunderstanding. Maybe she really did not use "those people" as it usually is used.

I know I could have refered to someone I had seen before as "those people" and not meant it in a bad way...but I would have apologized if it was brought to my attention. Especially if I thought my use of the term had hurt the feelings of a young teen.

I did give her the benefit of the doubt...sorry we took the child with us...but it is what it is. I am sure being black and 14 she has seen bigots before. I think she was rather pleased in a way that her two adopted white grandmothers went to bat for her.

[lonestarnot]

120. Pay her daily visits. She obviously likes your company!

:evilgrin:

[Taverner]

98. I second that

Sadly, it seems the meanest of humans have the greatest staying power

[MrModerate]

3. She appears old and crazy . . .

Old enough to have been raised a casual racist.

Ignore her unless she encroaches on your property. If she does, call the police and report that Mrs. so-and-so has gone wacko again.

Tell your (adult) visitors that you have a crazy lady on the street and let them decide the most effective way to protect/educate their children.

[flvegan]

4. Sadly, she has the right to her opinion and to voice it.

Until she commits some sort of crime, I'd probably not "do" anything short of telling your bigot neighbor to go fuck herself at every opportunity. I'd apologize to my friends for her behavior. I'm sure they realize that there's a douchebag in every area.

I'm sorry you live near someone like that. I'm sorry your friends got treated that way.

[2Design]

5. she does not like herself or her life on oxygen very much - you

were targets for that anger that she does not know what to do with - she is already angry at herself and her life - pray for her for the next several weeks wishing for her to have all the wonderful things you have and wonderful things she needs - and let it go - she is just not happy

[Tangerine LaBamba]

6. The HORRIBLE one is old?

I'd contact Social Services and tell them that a senior citizen in your neighborhood is acting irrationally and you're very concerned about her. I'd just tell them what happened and stress how she screamed in the kid's face, and then let them do their jobs.

That should scare the crap out of her.

After that, maybe she'll calm down, but I doubt it. Bigots, for some reason, are always the ones who have voices that carry.

Good luck, though - that's an awful story. How's the girl? Is she all right?

[Orrex]

9. Love it!

I hereby kick and recommend that post!

[Hepburn]

20. She is at least 70, maybe mid-70s...

...and you probably are correct that there is something wrong with someone who acts like that.

Man, I cannot imagine ever doing that to anyone...I just cannot imagine hating someone because of dumb shit like the color of skin, etc.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

35. There's probably nothing really wrong with her -

she's just a miserable old fuck, and you and I have both known far too many of them - even if we were just looking at photos of George Wallace standing in the doorway of the university, remember?

The oxygen set-up suggests she's already got some health problems. Good. My idea - contacting a social services agency for the elderly - will build on that, and she'll have far too much to do, trying to dig herself out of the hole Social Services will put her in - to spew her hate at your or your guests.

Do it. Do it tomorrow...................

[Riley18]

7. Ignore her and keep the child far away from her.

[Orrex]

8. Perhaps you could stop associating with the lesser races?

Hardy har har.

Sounds like you've got Ms. Horrible's name right, if that's any consolation. I don't have any real advice to offer other than to say it's almost impossible to change the minds of people like that.

Clearly her reaction was terrible, and unfortunately it only strengthens my view that she's beyond any sort of growth on the subject. If she's that willing to erupt into an unprovoked tirade like that, then I can't imagine that she'd be receptive to rational discussion about it.


How long have you lived across from Ms. Horrible? Have you spoken with other neighbors about her? I'd be curious to learn whether others have had similar experiences with her.


Best of luck to you and your friend in any case. What a stupid and ugly situation to have thrust upon you!

[Hepburn]

53. I have lived across the street from her about 4.5 years....

...and she really does not have many friends in here. That should tell me something.

Thanks for the good wishes...:hi:

[Speck Tater]

10. At that age, and on Oxygen, if you ignore her she WILL go away eventually.

Of course the TRULY compassionate thing to do is to wish her well, and take advantage of any opportunities that arise to do small kindnesses for her to show her that you really do care for her as a fellow human being. Above all, be pleasant and nice to her, and whenever she rants and screams, DEMONSTRATE to her what a real human being acts like. Show her what real kindness is like.

[ismnotwasm]

11. Well you could

Make out with your gal pal when she's watching, but I don't think that's the answer you're looking for.

Or your could, put a sign up when your friends come over pointing in her general direction "Beware; Crotchety Old Bigot" But that's too much work.

I'd smile and wave every day at that woman. She does sound disturbed and beyond help, so probably the best thing is to ignore her. What's hard is having to be forced to explain that shit to children.

[and-justice-for-all]

12. You could just ignore her and let her work herself up into a stroke..

or you can kill her with kindness.

Maybe get know what it is she is so bitter about, perhaps she had a traumatizing experience or something or you might just learn she is a hateful repuke who is taking her hatred for Obama out on your guest.

[Joe the Liberal]

13. I would have just ignored her.....

going over to her house to ask her what her problem is is exactly what she wants......attention.

[angstlessk]

15. we had a neighbor threaten to kill us all AND our dogs..well the dog bit

really pissed off my husband..and well, we never acknowledged her existance ever again..if she was on the front stoop when we arrived home...the stoop was empty to our eyes...for about a year...she never spoke to us again!!! PS..our dogs are alive and thriving!..oh, and we moved to Michigan..but not before she moved out from next door in VA!

[stillcool]

16. Imagine what it must be like..

to be her! Jeesh..what an empty, rotten life she must have lived. I'd let her be. We are all teachers and students, and she is teaching all of you, and you me.. some valuable lessons about the ugly side of life.

[RandomThoughts]

17. Invite her over to talk with all of you, and be really nice to her.

Maybe she is just lonely.

[Hepburn]

27. I can try to be nice to her....

....but it is gonna take a bit for me to get over what she did.

You know, it is 2009. I was involved in the Voting Rights movement in the 1960s, we have a black president and a lovely black family in the WH. Jezuuuuuuuuuus...when is this kind of shit gonna stop?????

:cry:

[Tangerine LaBamba]

39. Never .........

It's never going to stop. That's why we have to be eternally vigilant.

Hate never sleeps, never ends. It's part of the human condition..........

[RandomThoughts]

41. It does seem that it just keeps going on and on.

But being nice to her, is for you not just for her. If you can, and it is so hard to do, try not to let her anger make you angry, if you can maybe pity her with compassion, then it might not stop, but it won't infest you with as many tears.

Its not easy, wow, its not easy, but if you can not take in the anger, its better for you and her. I only say this, because when I started trying to do that, I found other people could not control how I feel. When I get angry at someone else, I give them some ability to make me feel bad. So I don't bottle up the anger, I try and not let it in in the beginning.

Being as nice as I can seems to accomplish that. So it doesn't make me better, it might make me selfish, because it is better for me also, but it makes life more pleasant also.

My comment about inviting her over, was just my first thought, and did not take into account your feelings as much as it should have, sorry about that.

And good luck with all of the frustrations, it never seems easy.

:hug:

(Edit: I was with a few people that upset me, but in my mind I classified them as a group that I was better then,(although it was because of social class not race) it was just for a second, but I did do it. And in those few seconds I said to them 'you people' it was an indication they were not in my empathy circle any more. So I know I do it also. I got caught by it not on race, but on social attitudes. But it is still bad, and I think we all do it at times.

[Raine1967]

70. Remember this ---

with every generation this shit becomes less and less.

She was in her prime in the 60's. Old habits die hard.


You did what MLK would have done.

[Hepburn]

77. Wow...

...I have never had a compliment that big before ~~ I did what MLK would have done!

You made me cry...but for good reasons! :hug:

[Raine1967]

83. You did.

I hope you have a wonderful evening. You deserve it. No one ever said doing the right thing would be easy, and no one ever said it would be easy to to the right thing.

[fascisthunter]

109. the Above Poster is Right

that's how people begin to change, when they are less threatened... kindness may work.

[eShirl]

19. stay the hell away from her

you don't really want her in your life do you?

[Hepburn]

29. I really do not want her in the same world with me! n/t

[Raine1967]

74. Ms. Hepburn --

I appreciate you.

What you have here is an old holdout -- This may sound very strange- but that lovely 14 year old may have a better understanding of the history of civil rights than many people of her age.

It's awful what happened -- but I love that you turned it into a teaching moment.

[Lisa0825]

23. Not defending her, but here is something to think about...

My mom was on oxygen for the last years of her life due to COPD, and her personality changed a lot. She had long resisted going on oxygen, then only used it when absolutely necessary, etc. And even when she was on oxygen 24/7, her saturation levels were not good when I took her to her doctor appointments. She basically had chronic low oxygen for years due to resistance to doctor's advice and advancing disease. Having low oxygen to the brain can cause changes in personality. It very well could be that this woman always was a racist bitch, but it is possible that her blowing up at you like that was related to behavioral changes from being old, ill, and having low oxygen.

Yes, she sounds like a horrible person, but I feel some pity for her. What a miserable life she must have, harboring so much bitterness. I would just suggest you do your best to ignore her. She won't be there forever.

[Hepburn]

30. My mom had COPD and my late husband died of CHF.

Both were on oxygen for a long time before they passed away...but I did not see a personality change. IMO, this is a practiced, hateful bigot across the street from me.

[Lisa0825]

42. Just because yours did not experience it does not mean mine didn't either....

or that other people couldn't as well.

Just sayin...

[Hepburn]

52. Oh, I did not mean it that way....

...I am just thinking about what I know about this woman...and I think that most of her life she has been mean and spiteful. Awhile back, she was really, really sick and most thought she would die. Her daughter came out to see if she could get the mom's house listed for sale and was not really interested in staying around after her mom got out of the hospital...just wanted to get the financil end of things handled. That told me a lot!

Please accept my apology ~~ my lousy way of saying things ~~ and I meant no offense to you or your mom!

:hi:

[Lisa0825]

67. Understood...

:pals:

[Gman]

24. Go boil her pet rabbit in a pot on her stove...

not really, but it makes you that angry. Well, maybe not angry enough to hurt a defenseless animal, but it's the effect you want.

[Kerrytravelers]

25. I'd tell your friends to stay away from her. I would just stay away from her.

If she comes over, politely ask her to leave.

I think actually "doing something" will only cause you harm, not her, as you'll be seen as the one going after her. Just let her be. You'll likely not change her, so use that energy for someone you can change and open their heart.

Best of luck.

kt

[EFerrari]

32. Shunning is a powerful tool.

My mom once was beat up on verbally by our lovely neighbors in Sunnyvale because the rumor got out that she was selling a house on our block to a black couple.

Most of us just stopped speaking to the perps. That shut them up to a degree and eventually, most of them left the neighborhood. Creeps on stilts.

[Hepburn]

54. Holy shit....

...I cannot believe that anyone would get upset about a black person buying a house. I, however, would ONLY be upset if Republicans were moving into my neighborhood...but that is a whole nudder issue!

:hi:

[EFerrari]

58. The black gay realtor that sold me this condo started cringing when I began to ask

about the people who bought next door, "James, do you know if those people are











Republicans?"


:rofl:

And luckily, they were not. They were a gay couple with two kids!


:toast:

[ejpoeta]

66. i am not. i hear comments about how when the black people move into neighborhoods...

they go to hell and stuff like that. it is rather shocking to me. in today's day and age.

[cali]

28. ignore her. and tell your friends to ignore her.

seriously, that's the best solution. it's not like she's going on your property. not only that, but it may very well be that after your confrontation with her, that she'll back off.

[lunatica]

31. First, you should realize that her reaction is typical defensive behavior out of being confronted

At first she acted innocent, but then when you told her to address her issues to you it was very obvious to her that you weren't even pretending to buy her lame excuse, so her next reaction was to 'blow up' at your insolence and your horrible attack on her. This is the type of violent reaction that the Joe the Plumbers have when they're caught doing crap and are confronted. They get all outraged and insulting. I've seen it happen a lot with bigots.

Rest assured that you won that round. Let it be because in her eyes you won but she bluffed anger and therefore saved face.

What you do need to do now is talk to the girl and explain that these are the ugly people one encounters in life. My advice is to think that if the girl had to witness that kind of hateful attack on her that she was lucky enough to have you there to protect her. Believe me the child knows she was being protected. Since overt bigotry is out there she could have encountered it in a much worse situation and it would have left scars. This way it turns into a very valuable life lesson about ugly people as well as an example about how to handle them.

[EFerrari]

36. Beautiful, wise advise.

:applause:

[Hepburn]

49. Wow...great insight....

...and my friends just left. But...before they did, over a chicken pot pie, the young lady and I had a wonderful talk. She is an honor student is popular with everyone, on the junior cheer leading squad, and is a joy to be around.

We discussed all those positive things about her life and her success. She wants to be a pediatrician and she has the grades and the brains to do it. Next year she starts senior high school.

She is lovely...and she left with smiles and several huge hugs for me. In a few minutes, I am going over to my best gal pal's house ~~ she and I are having dinner with this family. I am not going to let that POS across the street spoil the day!

Wow, what that lady across the street has missed for not taking the time to know these people. They are wonderful and caring...and I dearly love them. Her loss...

:hi:

[Thickasabrick]

111. +1

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[960]

37. Well, it sounds like there are at least 2 HORRIBLE ones on your street.

[Hepburn]

44. Yeah, there are....

...one is a racial bigot and the other is a religious bigot.

I don't understand this at all.

[960]

45. I really think you should ignore her, and not subject the 14 y/o to her insanity.

Just call the cops and tell them your neighbor is harassing your guests.
And if she really is unsafe to herself or others, contact social services.

There's an old witch who lives by me, but I ignore her and her insanity. She brought over a dustpan full of geese poop and said my dog left it in her yard. I just slammed the door in her face.

[Hepburn]

55. We all have wackos in our lives and neighborhoods....

...and that is just life. I think what really got to me is the nastiness to a sweet 14 year old child.

Geese poop, huh? Like maybe she thought your dog had a coat of feathers? :evilgrin:

[Voice for Peace]

take her some pot brownies

[emilyg]

38. Ignore her.

[Systematic Chaos]

40. As recommended by They Might Be Giants:

Mr. horrible
Mr. horrible
Telephone call for mr. horrible
But before he can talk to the ugliness men
Theres some horrible business left
For him to attend to
Something unpleasant has spilled on his brain
As he sponges it off they say

Is this horrible?
Is this horrible?
Its the ugliness men, mr. horrible
Were just trying to bug you
We thought that our dreadfulness
Might be a thing to annoy you with

But mr. horrible says, I dont mind
The thing that bothers me is
Someone keeps moving my chair

Would you mind if we balance this glass of milk
Where your visiting friend accidentally was killed?
Would it be okay with you if we wrote a reminder
Of things well forget to do today otherwise,
Using a green magic marker, if its alright
On the back of your head?

Mr. horrible
Mr. horrible
Were not done with you yet mr. horrible
You have to try on these pants so the ugliness men
Can decide if theyre just as embarrassing as we think
We have to be sure about this

But mr. horrible says, I dont mind
The thing that bothers me is
Someone keeps moving my chair

Someone keeps moving my chair

Mr. horrible says, I dont mind
The thing that bothers me is
Someone keeps moving my chair


:evilgrin:

[Trocadero]

116. write "BIGOT" in chalk on her sidewalk!

[Trocadero]

117. put a huge OBAMA sign in your front yard facing her house

[Parker CA]

43. Smile. Wave. Give her ZERO reason to think she gets under your skin. You win. She stews in misery.

[LWolf]

46. Don't do anything "with" her.

Ignore her existence, record the incidence, and if she does something like that again, report her for hate speech.

Don't approach her and give her an opportunity to be abusive for free.

Do be seen in front of your house, welcoming your friends warmly when they come over.

[FLDCVADem]

48. Report her for hate speech?

Is there some new hate speech law out that I'm not aware of?

Her neighbor's behavior, though reprehensible, isn't illegal. She has the right to hold, and freely express, any negative views she might have about someone, whether on racial grounds or otherwise.

Obnoxious? Yes. Illegal? No.

[LWolf]

96. I consider bigotry to be hate, and racial harassment to be included in "hate speech."

I don't know that my definition meets a legal definition, but if my neighbors were harassing my non-white friends, I'd find out.

[Hepburn]

59. I am thinking about making some kind of a report....

...I really think what she did was so out of line. Harassment at the least.

Maybe not an official report...but at least something to document what she did. Just in case she decides that doing this to my friends is an OK thing...which it most certainly is not.

:hi:

[FLDCVADem]

62. You've got to be kidding

She made a remark that, according to you, IMPLIED something was wrong with your visitors being there. Nothing derogatory towards them, (again, according to your account), just a nasty implication.

Then you charge over to her house to confront her, and she blows up at you. It could very easily be said that YOU harassed HER when you went on to her property, uninvited, and confronted her.

You're really making this molehill into a mountain. Ignore the old bitty and get on with your life.


***edited to add: She can stand in her yard and point at your friends and make nasty remarks all she wants. You on the other hand don't have the right to come on her property uninvited whenever you feel like it and confront her about her behavior.

[Hepburn]

72. Unless asked to leave....

...one is within the law when coming on another's property which is not posted for NO TRESSPASSING in the required manner. If she wished us to leave and requested us to do so, we would have left. If we had refused to leave, we would have been in the wrong. We were never requested to leave nor did she refuse to speak to any of us.

We were there to try and resolve a problem. We did not go there to confront anyone. Please take you spin elsewhere. We wished to ascertain the problem and fix whatever the problem seemed to me. Did it ever dawn on you, that perhaps it was NOT meant in that bad manner and the lady deserved some benefit of the doubt.

So: How do you figure that there is some restriction on knocking on a front door to peacefully discuss an issue with a neighbor? I would love to hear you explain the legal theory behind that one. I wish to hell she would have called the cops. I am sure they would have told her exactly what I just said. You see, I am a retired lawyer and I do know a bit about what one can and cannot do in regard to property rights.

BTW: Please don't play lawyer with a lawyer, OK?

And...if you think there in nothing wrong with pointing at a black person and saying "those people," I think you need to reconsider your opinion. Maybe I am just too aware of the implications of that phrase used by a white person towards a black person, but I don't think so.

JMHO

Oh, BTW #2: Welcome to my ignore list. Life is too short...:hi:

[FLDCVADem]

78. I think you're the one that is applying spin

"We did not go there to confront anyone". Yet in your own words, you were "livid". Nothing confrontational there.

Not trying to play lawyer at all, just pointing out that you went looking for a fight, got more than you bargained for, and now you're crying foul. And not only did you go looking for a fight, you took an innocent child along with you for the show. Your bigoted neighbor should be ashamed for her behavior, and you should be ashamed for exposing that child to much more than necessary.

What she did was offensive and wrong, no doubt about it. But illegal? Please. And you were a lawyer?

Oh, and BTW, happy to be on your ignore list. :)

***edited to add: quick dinner and movie...

[TXRAT2]

93. BTW: Please don't play lawyer with a lawyer, OK?

I would never do that, but I did play Peace Officer for 22 years and County Judge for 8. You crossed the line the moment you confronted her on her property and as a lawyer you should know that.

""And...if you think there in nothing wrong with pointing at a black person and saying "those people," I think you need to reconsider your opinion.""

What about those people walking down the side walk or those people driving by or those people next door? To imply that "those people" was derogatory or was racist toward someone of color is quite a stretch. How should she have referred to several individuals who frequent you house often?

[Raine1967]

80. AWESOME!

SO -- I can stand on my property naked, right?

Are you really defending bigotry? This has been a great discussion about how to handle it -- and you seem to think that this women is justified in her actions -- and -- if I dare go so far -- should not have been questioned about it.

But--- it is nice to know you think it is ok to call people Bitch -- Even a 14 year old child.

[FLDCVADem]

82. Nope, not defending bigotry

Read what I wrote. What the old bitty did was indeed offensive and bigoted. However, being offensive and bigoted is not illegal. She pointed her finger and said "THOSE people". Nasty? Yes. Illegal? No. Hate speech that should be shut down by force of law? No.

I also never said that what the woman said was OK. But Hepburn is the one that exposed the 14 year old girl to that.

Want to confront a neighbor that has just made a bigoted gesture towards your guest? Fine, but probably not the smartest move to take the guest with you for the confrontation.

Hepburn wanted a fight, and she got one. It's just too bad she had to expose the child to this woman, up close and personal.

And I can promise you that if someone came to my front door, uninvited and confrontational, dirty words would be the least of their worries.

[Raine1967]

86. Gotcha --

FWIW-- I read what you wrote --

Hep wasn't looking for a fight -- She went over there to discuss what happned -- The issue is what happened. Not what Hep did.


you are the one who keeps pounding this issue that this was a fight -- you are the one who keeeps saying that Hep was wrong --

[Bobbie Jo]

102. "it is nice to know you think it is ok to call people Bitch"

fwiw....if someone comes to my door and wags their finger in my face, they'll be lucky if "Bitch" is all they get.

[lunatica]

85. She's probably ready to spew some lies about your behavior and speech

if the police show up and don't think she won't make up some lies about your friends making some gestures at her. Then it'll turn into a she said/she said report and both of you will be on record at the police station as disturbing the peace. Just ignore her and be sure that you look like she doesn't bother you in the least. Have a good time and greet your friends with a big show of smiles and hugs.

Leave the police out of it because she'll try to get the sympathy because of her age and her oxygen mask and her obvious wheezing and frailty when they're around. You'll end up looking like the bully who's picking on a defenseless decrepit little old lady.

[H2O Man]

47. Laugh.

Make a point of laughing every time you see her, especially when you know that she is watching you. If you friends visit, be sure to greet them outside. She will be watching. Look in her direction and laugh, for laughter is indeed the best medicine.

[Hepburn]

56. I do plan to smile and wave at her...

...I am sure that would bother her more than if I did something not very nice to her.

:hi:

[Hekate]

50. Ignore her henceforth but also warn your guests that you have a senile bigot across the street ...

... so they will treat her accordingly (i.e. with caution and no expectation of rational behavior).

I don't know if she is in fact senile, but she sure is beyond reason. I'm not saint enough to try to befriend someone like that, so shunning works for me -- empty spot on her front porch and all.

Best of luck.

Hekate

[madmom]

51. Have them smile and wave at her, that will make them feel better and her worse. : )

[foxfeet]

57. Stand on her oxygen hose.

Failing that, for obvious reasons, I'd recommend the shunning approach. While not nearly as fun, it at least has the virtue of protecting you from accusations of harassment. You also don't have to expend unnecessarily any more energy on her. BTW you need to do whatever ritual cleansing works for you-- smudge yourself, take a sea salt bath-- to rid yourself of the effects of her nastiness. Get yourself grounded before deciding how to proceed.

[Hepburn]

60. Good advice....

...and blessed be.

I am leaving in a few minutes to have dinner with these friends and my other friends.

When I come home, I am crawling into my sunken tub, lighting candles and soaking in my fav sea brine!

:hi:

[Demeter]

61. Stay on Your Own Side of the Street and Ignore Her

In an emergency, call 911.

[Hepburn]

64. I am off to dinner with my friends....

...and the daughter and I are going to curl up after dinner and watch a movie. I am her "mamacita" ~~ and we are going to veg for a bit before it is time for her to go home and get ready for the school week.

Thank you, my lovely and very bright DU pals ~~ I am going to ignore MS. HORRIBLE except I will smile at her so that she does not even get a glimpse of how angry I am ... and I will guard against her ever again for any reason being in a position where she can speak to my friends.

If she carries on as she has ~~ then maybe I should contact one of the adult services that see about elderly perons who are need help. Maybe she is ill, but I think more that she is just a plain stinking old bigot!

Blessed be...love you all...and not it is off to a hot dog roast with my pals!

:grouphug: <-------hugs all around!

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

69. Ignore her

We've had a crazy woman living across the street from my parents my whole life. She would accuse everyone on the street of breaking into her house, and just generally sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong. Don't say a word to her unless she comes on your property. Then call the police.

[TheCowsCameHome]

71. Flick your Bic next time you visit her, or

else just wait for her to croak naturally.

[MineralMan]

75. Your neighbor's punishment is having to live with her

ugly thoughts. That is enough, and she will be miserable until she dies. Warn visitors about her, then just ignore her and her mindless rage completely.

Leave her to stew in her own misery.

[Stinky The Clown]

79. In principal, I'm on yur side, but the fact is, you went there and confronted her

and now you don't like that she yelled at you in earshot of a kid.

Again, I am on your side, but if you poke sticks in people's eyes, you have to expect to be poked back.

I would teach my kids to throw burning bags of dog shit on her porch, but that's just me.

Actually, I wouldn't.

I don't think.

Apart from the dog shit thing, however, maybe you could fuck with her oxygen regulator?

Kidding again.

Try praying for her quick demise.

[Canuckistanian]

81. Offer to make peace with her

And just to prove you're sincere, take along a carton of cigarettes as a gift.

:evilgrin:

[Demoiselle]

84. I don't think you need to do anything more..

You have confronted her. She knows you don't appreciate her attitude toward your visitors.
I don't think she'll be doing anything else very much. It is so sad to know there are people out there so eaten up with prejudice and fear and anger that they behave that way.
But, as I said, you have confronted her and it sounds to me like that will be enough to keep her from insulting your friends.

[AspenRose]

87. Juneteenth is coming up in about a month.

Send an invitation to your local NAACP and Urban League for a Juneteenth cookout at your house. Make sure they spread the word to all their friends, and that they make sure to bring a dish they can walk over and share with your "delightful" neighbor. }(

[Divine Discontent]

88. payback is a life well lived - be cheerful & ignore the hateful one, maybe she'll grow a heart.

sorry you had to deal with that!

[Fire_Medic_Dave]

89. Are you positive that she doesn't have dementia or another medical disorder?

My mother has dementia and says some truly off the wall stuff and makes comments that could definitely be construed as racist from time to time. She's never cursed much so I wouldn't expect her to curse like that but I have treated some very religious people who go into some cursing tirades when their blood sugar bottoms out. She is likely just a mean old bitty, I think I would go over and tell her to never trespass on my property and to mind her own business or you could always call Adult Protective Services in your town and tell them you suspect she is mentally ill and can't care for herself, if you think that is a possibility. They would likely do a welfare check and if they drop it then you'll know she is just mean.

David

[Cid_B]

95. Nothing better...

... than using a government agency as a threat against the elderly . :eyes:

Honestly, the ability of people to stick their nose in other people's business is amazing. Obviously this woman isn't as "enlightened" as the rest of y'all but ferfuckssake just leave her alone! She's 70+ and sure as hell isn't going to change for you and yours. It isn't your responsibility to reform her.

[Fire_Medic_Dave]

99. Huh?

If the poster suspects she has dementia or is mentally ill and has no support then she may need the assistance of adult protective services. No threat is implied or intended.

David

[Cid_B]

100. Sorry Dave

Post I responded to has been edited so I honestly don't remember what it said. The jist I got was that the poster suggested using it as a threat to remove her from the neighborhood or just as extortion. Could have been either way. I dont remember.

[Fire_Medic_Dave]

115. No worries. Just clarifying my point. Some of the statements attributed to the woman seem way off.

As if there may be some problems with reality.

David

[shanejfilomena]

90. it's a paranoia of suburbia

I remember living in New York State, a paranoia about crime.."the wrong kind of people"....etc.

I always said that it was a sad thing we could not just shoot those kind of people that take things beyond the scope of it's intended use......but That was how it had been.
=====fast foward.....
Today , I live in a quiet subdivision...there is a woman who left her teenaged sons to live alone while she ran off with her lover in the city......

Do the neighbors gawk and poke their noses into the kid's business?...not outrightly, but they are watchful.
And thats all one should be, its watchful and have the best interests of the community in mind.
For a time the state Troopers visited the house , but soon left the boys alone because --shockingly to the nosey bodies, the boys were not turning "bad".

I, Personally have watched these boys get jobs and make improvements to the house and property, they are obviously paying the bills and eating well .....

It is easy to let paranoia get the best of you.
cars that need repairs or a washing get attention fast, bring up judgements in the Republican minded and bored lives of people with nothing better to do.

=======
My opinion of a solution is to make your personal position clear to those that are friendly towards you and simply aviod those that are not.
In the end, as troubling as the time betwixt might seem, those people will either give up their position of at least fall silent and not mention things publicly.

[chimpyisstillsatan]

91. Advice from a DFH

1. Love her (even if only in your heart). Despite her frailties and faults, she is literally and figuratively your neighbor.

2. Forgive her. It will heal you and remove the power her hate now has over you.

3. If you must, ignore her. She will go eventually go away, and there's no upside to the infliction of additional pain from either side.

That said, if I were you, I would always hold out hope that she would extend an olive branch, however small. Everyone deserves a shot at redemption, don't you think?

[Mother Of Four]

92. Lots of good advice in this thread-

I'd like to add my 2c here if I could.

I've had my fair share of run ins, here in small town NC. I'm a transplant. :)

I come from a family that is one huge rainbow of color. I had the fortune to be involved in a generous family that loved kids, and adopted a few not caring if they were a little more "tan" than some of us :) Needless to say when we moved here it was a huge culture shock.

Tell you a little story about a MS HORRIBLE we had here, unfortunately for me she was an Aunt of my husbands. We went to her house after first moving down here, to get together for a christmas hayride type thing (Lights and carols etc). She has in her home a gorgeous creekrock fire area, in a sunken room. Slate floor, and the fire part of it had an old style cooking flat/grill whatever you call it.

I looked at it, and gushed all over it. I loved it. I said something to the effect of "What a WONDERFUL fireplace!" She then proceeded to tell me about how she got some local "n" boys to come and work on it. That they were a lazy bunch but with some prodding they did the work alright.

Later that evening when we got home, my husband said I went white as a sheet, and blank. (Thats the look I get right before eviscerating someone with my voice) My husband had the presence of mind to stop me, while guiding me to the front door. Under alot of protest "I'm not feeling sick!" "Yes you are honey, I can tell...it's ok. Lets get some air." type thing.

My MIL I guess explained to her that I didn't appreciate (that's mild) what was said. AFTER I had time to calm down, AFTER we went home...I told my husband that I never wanted to see or hear from her again. Someone THAT low on the evolutional ladder of intellect didn't deserve my time, or thought.

It's been more than five years, and she's not in our lives. MIL understands, and doesn't try to press us to visit her. It was the best choice I ever made, had I done what I wanted to do from gut reaction it would have validated her with attention. You NEVER reward bad behavior, and for idiots like them it's almost a pat on the head. It doesn't matter how calm you are, if you give them any attention at all- even a smile or a wave...and they will feel vindicated because "Hey I can't be all that bad if she still likes me!"

Scrub her from your mind, she doesn't exist. Let her wallow in her bitterness alone, it will be cold comfort when she see's the happy and glowing faces of your friends that are family.

[Toasterlad]

94. Ignore Her.

And if you must confront her, please do not subject an innocent 14 year old child to the confrontation. I can't imagine what you were thinking to bring that poor girl with you when you went to see the old woman. Did you honestly believe that if you put a face to that woman's bigotry that you could get her to change her ways? Even if you couldn't predict the foul language, common sense should have told you that it would not be pleasant.

Ignore the woman from now on, or you'll escalate matters even more. The crazy old lady is entitled to her evil bigotry, as long as she does not threaten you or your friends. Keep away from her, and she probably won't.

[TXRAT2]

103. The crazy old lady is entitled to her evil bigotry

She say's "those people" and all of a sudden she's a crazy old lady? As I said earlier, what about those people walking down the sidewalk or those people next door or those people in the Yellow house??? To assume "those people" was directed at them because they were people of color is nothing more than that, an assumption. The OP went across the street with 2 others and harassed an elderly lady over nothing more than an assumption.

[Toasterlad]

106. I Have To Assume the OP Has a Better Understanding of What Actually Occured Than You or I

However, even if the OP is mistaken, the advice is still appropriate: Ignore her from now on.

[AlinPA]

101. Ignore her completely. Let her rot in her own hatred and bigotry. nt

[rucky]

104. Sounds like she's already created her own personal hell.

I don't think there's much else to do but keep being you.

[northernlights]

105. she's a sick old woman

either leave her alone or show her compassion. But do not harrass her or bother her, or allow her to bother you, no matter what she does.

You cannot imagine being like her, but maybe you also cannot imagine whatever happened to make her what she is. It seems like her miserable life is punishment in itself.

[Veruca Salt]

107. Weeeell...... you can go to war

and what I mean is raise the pirate flag. If you have the option of a flagpole or flag hanger fly either the rainbow flag or Puerto Rican one; both get the bigots knickers in a twist more so than naught. Or get yourself a collection of them and switch them up! Psychological warfare can be fun! ;)

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

108. Ignore her and avoid her.

[Kansas Wyatt]

110. You know how you can sign up for a lot of catalogs on a single order form?

Sign her up for all the free minority interest catalogs.

She'll get on a mailing list, and she will never be able to stop them from coming into her home. She'll be so pissed off screaming on the phone, trying to get all the catalogs to stop.

On Edit: This also works well with any type of situation and/or subject, just to mess with their minds.

[Thickasabrick]

112. I wouldn't have confronted her. I'm surprised she opened the door

to you. I hate all my neighbors and never answer the door unless I know who it is and I want to. That's just me but then I'm sort of an introvert anyway. Unless you have a video of what she actually did, you will never really know for sure what happened when you were not there. I can see why she got angry. I know I would have if one of my stupid neighbors came up and started ranting about shit I didn't care about. Again, that's just me.

Sorry.

[southernyankeebelle]

113. I WILL TELL YOU NOT TO ENCOURAGE THIS OLD WOMAN -

YOU WILL NOT CHANGE HER MIND. DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THIS WOMAN. IF AT ALL POSSIBLE HOOK UP A VIDEO CAM POINTING AT YOUR HOME AND ONE SHOWING HER HOME. IF SHE SEES THE CAM SHE MAY STOP BOTHERING YOU. JUST DON'T ENCOURGE HER. SHE IS TO OLD TO CHANGE. JUST ASK YOUR FRIENDS TO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO HER.

[Duer 157099]

114. Write her a card and mail it

Do it when you are feeling very calm and generous and happy and forgiving. Write a short note on a happy card, explaining your confusion and why you went to her door, and apologize for interrupting her and making her answer the door and getting her upset.

That's called taking the high ground.

And just WATCH what happens. Either she will be so embarrassed at herself that she completely disappears from view whenever you (or your friends) are around, or she accepts the compassion that you have shown and somehow becomes a nicer person.

It costs you nothing to do this.

All of the posts suggesting some sort of revenge, notifying social services etc, are really nauseating to read.

The woman is obviously troubled - either mentally, physically or emotionally or all of the above. That's a given.

You have the opportunity to take a bad situation and try to turn it around. I say go for it.

[NJGeek]

118. Probably not a good idea to go over there in the first place

so i would ignore it. its your neighborhood. you know the old saying:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=don%27t%20shit%20too%20close%20to%20home">don't shit too close to home

[KT2000]

119. First of all - can't fix it!

she is nuts and please do not take the child over there - ever.
Explain to your friends that your neighbor is nuts and be done with it.

[nolabels]

121. I sometimes wonder why i get along so well with neighbors a little father away.........

then i read a story like this and remember what it's like to have neighbors close. A couple of acres and a six foot chain link fence does wonders i guess :shrug: