should a woman tell the father she is having a baby.

[seabeyond]

Poll question: should a woman tell the father she is having a baby.

she has decided to have the baby so not a matter of her deciding for her body.

circumstances come into play, all kinds of ifs... which makes a yes/no tough, but as a whole, should a woman tell a man he is the father to a baby.

this is from another thread that is discussing this situation.

[babylonsister]

1. Depends on the situation.

Cue music:

Mama Mia!

Hey, I just saw it this weekend, so sue me.

[seabeyond]

4. rollin eyes... lol. n/t

[sandnsea]

9. Yes it depends

Mamma Mia, funny.

Although I hated it. lol. So sue me.

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

15. My mother asked me tonight if I watched it.......because she did last night.....

I looked at her like she was crazy.

[babylonsister]

17. Hahaha! It was corny. But it happened in Greece! nt

[Warpy]

2. The main cause of death for pregnant women is homicide

usually by the fetus's father.

Hell yes, it needs to be left up to the woman in question.

http://abcnews.go.com/US/LegalCenter/Story?id=522184&page=1

[get the red out]

12. We had a heart-wrenching local case of this

The poor girl just expected the father, whom was no longer in the picture, to be as excited as she to see the ultra-sound pictures so she arranged to meet him to show them to him. He blew her away sitting in her car.

Circumstances dictate whether a father is told or not, in a good relationship between two people I can't see that a woman wouldn't naturally tell him. For her to decide not to disclose her pregnancy is a sign of problems between the two, IMO. And it should be left up to her discretion.

[AngryAmish]

54. That is not true (about the leading cause of death being homicide)

Childbirth and car crashes much higher.

Urban myth - though repeated a lot. The Maryland study defines pregnant woman very broadly.


Your point is entirely valid otherwise.

[GreenPartyVoter]

3. I think if I was the father I would want to know, but then not all men would. And

sometimes it's better not to tell him.

I guess in the end it should be up to the woman.

[Versailles]

5. My vote...with a caveat

I said that it is up to the mother to decide (male), however, if she chooses not to tell the father, I don't believe that demanding child support and what not at a later date is very fair. If the father of the child is not informed that said child exists, making the father responsible years down the road after being cut out of the child's life is a little much to expect.

[On the Road]

27. That Was My Thougth Exactly

and it would have been expressed more cavalierly before reading some of the comments about possible threats to the life of the mother.

[aquart]

6. Does she need child support? Does the kid need a kidney?

Needs to be considered. Does he have a will in which this child needs to be mentioned?

[flvegan]

7. If she wants to.

[rug]

8. Why not?

[mopinko]

22. cuz some guys are scum

and believe it or not, some women are "pro life" and choose to carry a fetus created by an act of rape or coercion. assholes tend to blow up when an unintended pregnancy occurs.

[seabeyond]

23. have you ever met a gal who is scum?

this is what is bothering me on this. i am seeing a lot of suppositions on the guys being scum. but really, i have met a lot of young girls having babies that have absolutely no right to be having them, except they can reproduce.

unless there is something to get cps to take these kids, we would all defend their right to be a parent. yet with the male we want to judge his worthiness on getting the label as father, unless we want the money from him

equality for me is this working both ways.

and really, what does it say about the gal having sex with the "scum". sounds like a huge eeeeew and sexual turn off to me.

[mopinko]

31. yes, i know some.

strangely, when it comes to getting sex, i know way more guys who are scum. liars, cheaters, bullies, on up to rapists. just is.

[seabeyond]

33. i have never put up with a bully in my life, rapists are a whole different story

females now cheat as much as males and liars.... well, i haven't found them gender prevalent.

[rug]

28. Maybe you should post in the should a woman tell the rapist she is having a baby poll.

[mopinko]

32. i just did.

some guys are great, some are liars, some are cheats, some are rapists, some are other forms of scum. if they are good guys, with pure hearts, most women would tell them. the bottom line is that the good guys will get told, and the scum will not. and that is the way it should be.

[rd_kent]

10. No way

she should hide it for the first few years then hit him with a lawsuit for back child support. Yeah!!!!!

:sarcasm:

[Lisa0825]

11. I said it is up to the mother, but in most cases, yes, she should tell him.nt

[BlueJazz]

13. Its up to the Mother

[nosmokes]

14. Should the father be told? Of course. Should it be a requirement? Of course not.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

16. With Exception To Rape, 100% Absolutely. Can't Really Have Any Respect For A Woman Who Wouldn't.

Answering no to the question is beyond ridiculous.

[Maru Kitteh]

18. Up to the mother. Some flibbin psychos would use it to control your life for 18 years

No birth control is fool-proof.

[ccharles000]

19. for the most part I would say yes

[babylonsister]

20. I take it they're not happily married.

Then no. A woman will do what she has to do, and should be allowed to do it. Whatever that is.

Many women have made different decisions. It's up to the woman imo.

[tammywammy]

21. For the most part I say yes. n/t

[notesdev]

24. He should absolutely be told

A man has all sorts of legal responsibilities towards his children. He has a right to know so he can prepare to bear the burdens of fatherhood.

[Mythsaje]

25. Only if she has a modicum of respect for the guy...

Besides, he'll likely find out sooner or later.

[Historic NY]

26. she better if she intends on asking for financial support!!

[kiva]

29. If conception was due to rape,

or if the man is physically abusive, then no; otherwise, yes.

As women we cannot urge fathers to become more involved as parents, expect them to emotionally and financially support their children, but say only we get to decide whether or not to tell a man he's a father. I've urged friends to 'man up' and be a father, no matter what the relationship they have with the mother, because children shouldn't be penalized for their parents' shortcomings.

We (society in general, women specifically) can't trivialize the role of fathers and then expect men to be great dads.

[seabeyond]

30. can't trivialize the role of fathers and then expect men to be great dads.

absolutely. right, friggin, on. this is how i see it.

[mopinko]

34. well that is pretty self explanatory. duh.

if you expect a man to be a father, you would have to start by telling him. if you don't, you won't.

[seabeyond]

35. maybe you ought to hold off on the "duh". talking as a whole, as a society....

if we are going to say we value fathers and then devalue them, wont work

[kiva]

41. Thanks, that's what I was trying to say.

We've spent decades rejecting the image of the father who brings home the paycheck and expects his wife to raise the kids, stressing that he should be an active part of his kids' lives and that's he's as much of a parent as mom. Men who aren't living with their children are urged to still be a good father. If this is what we expect from men, then they should have equal rights as parents.

A caveat here--if a man agrees to help a single woman or a couple to become parents, with no expectation that he will be recognized as the father, that's a whole different scenario.

[seabeyond]

50. the blatant reverse sexism surprises me. i am hearing so much about well... what if

what if the father is this and that, and much has nothing to do with him, or him being a father but if the woman preg "likes" the guy. not her choice whether she likes the guy or not. she shouldnt have screwed around with the guy if she didnt like him.

the thing is, hearing emotional abuse, this and that. having seen decades of relationships i often see women play it. my niece. screwed four guys in a month, got preg and got the choice of who she wanted. played all of them, though two wouldnt play. was gonna marry who she thought the father, then decide he wasnt good enough and went to the other. about knowing he wasnt father.

then she worked family to not like the guy cause he was abusive, mentally.

well, what i saw, she was abusive mentally to the man, though he wasnt a winner. she was eggin him on and all this stuff and then saying, see see, see his anger. well shit, playin me like that i would be yellin too

yet on the two threads i am watching the innocents assumed of female and the assumption of guilt inevitably of the guy.

this isnt a balance view when listening to others. all responsibility off the female, maiking her a victim, which i hate and dont see at all and all presumed neg on the father

[Maru Kitteh]

37. It has to be physical abuse? Really? Do you not believe mental abuse is a good reason?

So he can be a manipulative screaming psycho, and demean the mother at 120 db, just as long as he doesn't beat her too a pulp. Nice.

[kiva]

40. Hadn't considered that, but it's a reasonable position.

And please don't assume that I think any kind of abuse is OK--why didn't you just ask, rather than assume?

[Maru Kitteh]

48. Sorry to assume. I guess it's because you said "physically abusive" The exclusion of mental abuse

and mental trauma is all too common where the health and safety of women and children are concerned.

Again, sorry to assume.

[kiva]

49. It's OK, I should have given it more thought when

I wrote, guess I was focused on all of the rape and beating talk in the other thread--always so sad to think of anyone being abused in any fashion. :cry:

[Zynx]

36. In 95% of circumstances, yes.

[Taitertots]

38. She should without question tell the father

A father has just as much right to the child as the mother. It is not a mother's to keep secret, especially after it is born.

I also believe that a mother who hides a child from the father should have no standing to get child support.

[SoCalDem]

39. If she knows, she should. If she does not tell, she may regret it later

Number 1...he IS the father, and the baby deserves to know whom his/her father is.

Number 2...legally, he owes child support

Number 3...these things usually end up coming out later on, so why not just get ahead of it.


A surly teenager who just found out who his/her Dad is, is not a great person to be around. Better to have him in their lives from day one, so they can decide for themselves about his character. If he's a schlub, and they find out at 4 or 5, they will not have him to use as leverage, when they get into that difficult age.

If he's told, and then wants nothing to do with the child, legal paperwork can remove him forever, as a potential interference.

and who knows?..maybe he might want to be a participant in his child's life. He had a 50-50 participation in the creation of that child.

[PatSeg]

42. As a woman,

I can say that is not a yes or no question. Like many of said, it depends on the circumstances. I've known cases where I thought the man should know and cases where the woman or child could be endangered if the father was told.

If the man is not a threat, I think he has a right to know he has a child in the world, even if the woman does not want or expect anything from him. Also the child needs to know of any biological connections he/she might have. This is no a theoretical issue for me and I personally wrestled with the issue years ago.

[johnaries]

43. I think in most cases yes, but there are a lot of circumstances

where I can see it best if she does not.

[aint_no_life_nowhere]

44. The best interests of the child are an important factor

Once the child is born and has left the mother's body, she doesn't own it like a piece of property to do as she wishes. If the father is an okay guy, then I think the mother should tell the father, for the good of the child, although you can't force her to tell him. Some men are jerks, but some women are jerks as well and that mother in some cases may not be the best person to raise it. At any rate, I think it's always best for the child to try to get the father involved in its life, if he is a halfway decent person.

[ProgressiveProfessor]

45. There are a number of important legal reason that make it important once the baby is born

Its also the ethical thing to do.

[rebecca_herman]

46. usually, yes

exception being for if the man is physically or emotionally abusive or she fears he will be if he learns of the child.

[TexasObserver]

47. Yes, except in the case of rape.

Telling him does mean she relinquishes the right to decide to terminate the fetus, and it does not mean she has to include him in the pre birth process. Once the child is born, however, she should honor the child's right to have both parents in his or her life, and should try to involve the father and his family, unless they present a danger to the child. Even then, they should seek out other members of the father's family. Even if he's sorry, what about his mother, his sister, his other children?

[LWolf]

51. Yes.

While the choice to continue or terminate a pregnancy is the woman's, she does not have exclusive right to the child once born.

[mopinko]

52. ok, let me put it this way- should she? sure. should the law require her to?

no fucking way.
let's look at the actual situation here, tho. should she tell him? in most cases, she does. if it is the case that she feels she can't, for what ever reason, the bottom line is that it is her body, no one can require her to let anyone in to what is happening in her body.
to carry a pregnancy is to risk your life, and to change your body indelibly.
any other situations where we compel someone to risk their lives for someone else? we can't compel people to donate blood or bone marrow.

[dysfunctional press]

53. if she chooses not to- he shouldn't be responsible for child support payments.

[mdmc]

55. k