An insider's perspective on mental illness and perhaps Cho

[Droopy]

I've seen some of the video clips. Make no mistake about it, Cho was suffering from psychosis. I know that because I used to suffer from psychosis and I used to sound exactly like Cho did in those tapes.

A lot of you guys might not know me because I post mainly in the lounge. But if you read the lounge you may have seen some of my posts about mental illness. I became severely ill when I was 20 years old. It would be ten years before I got the treatment that I needed. That's how long us mentally ill folks can fly below the radar. The reason for that is that 70% of people who have a mental illness are not aware that they are sick. Cho's brain had constructed an alternate reality that was so real to him that he totally lost touch with the real reality.

I know exactly where Cho was coming from. He felt persecuted and powerless. In his delusions almost everyone around him was the enemy. I don't know how those delusions manifested in Cho's head. They are probably different for everyone who is that sick. I think it depends a lot on your personality, or who you were before you became ill. In my case I thought that people could communicate telepathically. I was hearing voices and soon the voices started talking to me. They knew my most private thoughts. I had nowhere to hide. I became extremely afraid of people. But after a while I became defiant of the voices. "How dare you intrude on my mind! Get out of my head!" Then the defiance turned into rage.

The day I was hospitalized I stopped by my dad's house on my way to my mom's. My folks are divorced. I had a delusion that I had multiple personalities and that my father had "programmed" me when I was a kid. He made these alternate personalities to keep the knowledge of what he was doing to me away from my original personality. I was having flashbacks (false memories as it turns out) that he had been molesting me since I was a small child. In my mind I thought that the programming that he did was breaking down and I could see everything that he had done to me.

I probably would have killed or severely injured my father if he had been home.

Next stop was my mother's house and I cut loose as soon as I walked through the door. I thought she had known what I was going through and didn't care. After all she could read my mind. I put her through hell. She was trembling with fear and crying. That's when I sounded like Cho. Later she told me that she knew something wasn't quite right with me for a long time, but she had no idea how sick I was. After screaming at her for about an hour I fell silent. She told me that I needed to go to the hospital. Somehow I listened. Here was my logic: I'm going to kill myself anyway so why not try the hospital and see what happens?

All that is just the tip of the iceberg, folks. I've got a 5000 word essay around here somewhere that I wrote about my experiences with mental illness and even that is just the tip of the iceberg. You can't pack ten years of horror into even a large book.

In the hospital I was given an anti-psychotic after I got on the psych ward and I improved almost immediately. It was literally only an hour and I began to see the real reality again. After three days on the ward I was almost completely sane. After seven days I was declared "safe" and I returned home. I was diagnosed as having schizoaffective disorder. I have some symptoms of schizophrenia and some symptoms of bipolar disorder. I have been sane for four years now. I continue to take an anti-psychotic and a mood stabilizer.

Cho's life could have changed dramatically with just one anti-psychotic pill. From what I have gathered from the news he was prescribed an anti-depressant at one time, but that was it. Folks, that is like trying to fight a three alarm fire with a squirt gun. I have no idea how they missed his psychosis. I good psychiatrist can spot a psychotic person from three states away. In one 15 minute interview my doctor in the hospital knew I was psychotic.

I was a quiet, loner like Cho. The only reason I'm not dead or in jail right now is because dad had to work overtime. I love my father now. He has never laid a hand on me, not even to discipline me. Cho could have all kinds of friends right now and be on his way to a normal life. We need to talk about mental illness on a national level. We need to educate the public on possible indicators that someone is mentally ill. We need to open our hearts and our minds to a segment of the population that is horribly misunderstood and under-represented.

It's about noon eastern time now. I've got to go to bed. I work third shift. I will check for replies and questions later. Peace.

[theboss]

1. That's a wonderful post

Thank you. (And I am glad you are doing well).

[LeftCoast]

2. I want to thank you for sharing this intensely personal story

I can't even imagine how terrifying that all must have been for you! Thank you for helping give people some insight into what psychosis is like.

:hug:

[piedmont]

3. Thank you for posting this Droopy. Most people are completely ignorant on this topic. nt

[maxsolomon]

4. this is what we're not buying with the money we throw down a hole in iraq

and into the prison industrial complex.

a social safety net - to help the mentally ill, the homeless, the chronic substance abusers.

[Warpy]

5. Thanks for your valuable insight

Cho wasn't that sick when he was first evaluated by the school psych. Had he been followed the way somebody with a chronic gall bladder problem or somebody with simple seasonal allergies might be, his continued deterioration would have been noted. He didn't volunteer to come in, though, and nobody went looking for him.

The root problem with our mental health nonsystem is that we expect rational, voluntary behavior from people who aren't capable of it.

[TygrBright]

77. Exactly, Warpy...

My esposo works with people trying to recover from addiction and mental illness (either, but most often both--his patients usually have as many as four Axis I disorders as well as an Axis II diagnosis.) He recounted to me a conversation he had with a mother whose son had gone from bad to worse over time, isolating himself in his basement apartment, getting crazier, doing drugs and more drugs, doodling sick fantasies and sliding the papers under the door along with his "orders" for food, etc. He finally even had his mother going out to score drugs for him, because that was "safer" than letting him "hang out with those drug people."

At one point in the conversation, my esposo asked her how things had gotten so bad? Why hadn't she asked for help a long time ago, when she first realized things were beyond her control?

She said "I wanted him to decide for himself that he had to get help, to get better," and my esposo responded, "And with what brain was he supposed to make this decision? The sick one?"

sadly,
Bright

[Forrest Greene]

6. Thank You, Droopy

Here's to peace & clarity.

[medeak]

7. please come out of the lounge more often! n/t

[gaspee]

8. Thank you

For posting this. I think people don't want to admit when a love one is going through something like this. They don't want it to be true. I'm so happy you have had a good outcome!

[EFerrari]

14. There is a part of your mind that does that. But, the family can

work as hard as possible to get care and they are disrespected, pushed aside, ignored. The "system" uses privacy laws to try to isolate the sufferer and give them the least care possible and the family has to find a way around the law to get their loved one what they need. It's exhausting and enfuriating and that's how those families live most of the time.

/oops

[gaspee]

29. In the 80's

I was a kid so I don't remember it all that well, but why the HELL did people think emptying out the mental health facilities was a good idea? The only thing I can think of was that the abuses of the people in the system were obscene and that lent more support than there should have been. instead of closing the facilities, reform would have been better. I know why Reagan did it, he was a horrible, horrible man. A fucking rat bastard who we're still cleaning up after, and who led us directly to Bush I and II, but why the hell did others go along with it?

[EFerrari]

30. Because we were promised local community clinics and the

idea was that people would get better as they could and lead lives more integrated with their kin and community. It never happened. :(

[Fawkes]

70. Closing the clinics

You are exactly right. I worked for what's known as a three-quarter way house in San Francisco in the late 80s and early 90s. Our clients were generally straight out of the psych ward at San Francisco General Hospital after a serious suicide attempt or a major psychotic episode. Many of them had been living on the streets before they were hospitalized. Clients stayed in our 24-hour facility for up to six months, receiving intensive treatment and support. In 1993, we lost our funding because we were "too expensive--although we were far less expensive than the state hospitals that had been closed. We had a lot of support from the mental health community, including clients, former clients, and families of clients, but that counted for nothing. After our program was closed, the hospitals were forced to send seriously ill patients to halfway houses where they received minimal support, no treatment and were required to be out of the "house" during the day. This country is not willing so far to provide the needed treatment for the mentally ill and we and they are suffering for it.

[EFerrari]

81. My mom got sober at Agnew State Hospistal not long before

it was closed down. If she had waited another year, I think we would have lost her because there would have been nowhere for her to go.

[anitar1]

80. stephexpat, I remember when Raygun was Gov. of Calif.

He was the one who closed the mental facilities, promising us the clinics ect. Turned all of the patients out on the street and other states followed suit, Made the state budgets look better and many people thought it was a great idea. Wasn't long until we had a big problem. Still that way, unfortunately. But I doubt that we see any changes as the politicians will dance around this and eventually drop it into limbo. edit for spelling

[EFerrari]

82. Saint Ronnie never had a problem screwing the vulnerable --

the mentally ill, the poor, children.

[mopinko]

38. especially with adolescents,

which is when many of these illnesses manifest themselves, the whole confidentiality thing can be an enormous obstacle.
people who have never been through it have no idea how hard it is to get help. just picking up a phone and calling for help is NOT how it works. and finding the right medication is a hit and miss crap shoot, including attempts that will make matters MUCH worse.

[EFerrari]

41. No kidding. You have to wait sometimes for weeks to find out

that it's the wrong thing and then, start all over. :(

[Quakerfriend]

83. You are so right, sfexpat2000! And, I might add- one of the

ploys (and, I do consider it a ploy) in this whole rotten system is that the mentally ill patient must submit to XXX day stays with XXX meds in order to have their insurance pay for anything. Of course, the influence of Big Pharm is part of the overall picture.

My beloved mother was 76 when she was diagnosed as being unipolar. She had lead a wonderful, productive and vibrant life and had never hurt a soul or committed a crime.

However, we could not get her to stop driving. She was 'driven' to keep going- part of her condition. It was unconscionable to me that she had to be hospitalized in order to receive any treatment. And, she had to stay for 21 days in order to "adjust the medication". In her case, the meds made her terribly psychotic and delusional. She quickly went downhill and was dead within 6 months.

WHILE ON THE PSYCH WARD I WAS NEVER PERMITTED TO SPEAK WITH HER DOCTOR. HE NEVER RETURNED MY CALLS and AVOIDED ALL FAMILY MEMBERS. He made sure that his nurse answered all of our questions.

I have worked in hospitals for many years and I was not surprised.

The changes that have occurred since the early 90s have been dramatic. I miss the 80s when we would truly care for our patients.

My mother was very generous with strangers and often tried to rescue people she had just met- a common theme with bipolar condition). And, there were many willing to take advantage of her. In our efforts to get her help we spoke with police officers, parole officers, private investigators, lawyers and judges, state reps (Lita Cohen, PA was such an uncaring witch!), dept of motor vehicles, and the center for the aging. I implored 3 of her doctors (one with prior expertise in psychiatric disorders) to please write a letter on Mom's behalf, to no avail.

The only help we got was from the local police. They were WONDERFUL. And, they went way above and beyond to help out. Even called me nightly after they had driven by her house to ask me, "Did she go out tonight...is she OK?" They were true gentleman. And, more than that they treated us as a family who were deeply concerned for our elderly mother.

Sorry, for rambling.

And, thank you for this post. We must show those with mental illness genuine caring and human kindness. We must TALK about it more.

[EFerrari]

94. So ironic. I would have given ANYTHING for Doug to be allowed

three weeks to get stable on his meds. Instead, he was usually discharged after a week and the doctor hands me a stack of prescriptions and there I go, with an explosive person twice my size in tow. Unreal. It's likely that's all Medicare would cover. And I wonder if they didn't keep your mother three instead of two because they could get another week out of the insurance.

Ack.

I've also had some really good experience with the police around mental illness once I was clear about the situation and could communicate it. They are on the front lines with our families, that's for sure.

[RobinA]

106. As a Mental Health Professional

who happens to think the privacy laws are wrong-headed, counterproductive, and often mis-applied, I have to take exception to your notion that they are deliberately used in some nefarious way. This is simply not true in my experience. The privacy laws are just as much a hinderance to those of us who are trying to help people as they are to people who need help. Privacy laws are federal and agencies are checked up on by every oversight body that marches through the agency - meaning several a year. Agencies are cited CONSTANTLY for violations, and this is when they are trying to comply.

Insurance companies are trying to give clients the least care possible, and privacy has nothing to do with it. And they don't need to hide behind privacy, they are unaccountable to anyone.

[EFerrari]

107. Well, mental health professionals have tried to shake me off

more than once by using the privacy issue. My response was to let them know I didn't need a release to GIVE them information. And then proceeded to report behavior they would have to act on.

I'm not claiming these professionals are evil but they are part of an abusive system. Once, I was only able to get a meeting with the head of the Edelman Clinic in Los Angeles because I mentioned that I was turning my journal into a book, I kid you not. My husband had been there 18 months without one single moment of appropriate meds monitoring or appropriate therapy. I was at physical risk the entire time as he was decompensating once every 5 - 10 days.

And, I was only asking for 3 basic things: better meds monitoring, appropriate therapy for his personality disorder and a family emergency plan. Had the system not been broken, I wouldn't have needed to go to the clinic director for these things. :shrug:

It's true that clinicians are sometimes hindered by the privacy laws as they are written. That must be frustrating. But I'm very clear that in the CA public system, this issue is a way to lose the family and to neglect the client.

[EFerrari]

9. I love you, Droopy.

:hug:

[GenDem]

10. Very moving and relevant personal testimony

I read this last night in the lounge, and wanted to reply to your post, but after 11 pm I couldn't get back on.

Thank you for revealing this. I work at a Mental Health Association facility one afternoon a week as an art therapy facilitator. I have been moved beyond words regarding the hoops that the mentally ill are expected to jump threw. I hear it all, in the short amount of time that I spend there. And these are folks that are in the system and are receiving treatment.

It is criminal that the mentally ill are so easily ignored and rejected by our government.

Why is an illness above the neck ignored so easily?

Thanks, Droopy!:hug:

[flying_monkeys]

11. This needs to be an Op Ed piece. More people need to read it.

The *only* way to counter the myths about mental illness is to educate and SHOW them the truth. Your post SHOWS them - - I urge you to submit it to some newspapers.


Thank you for telling your story.

[grace0418]

12. I married into an Asian family and have an interesting outsider's perspective on

some of the family dynamics I've seen. My husband and several of my dearest friends are first generation Asian-Americans (Filipino, Korean, Taiwanese, Chinese, Thai, and Japanese) and when we are all together the conversation often turns to the topic of family structure and dynamics. Based on my limited experience (not that I'm claiming to be an expert or anthing), I wouldn't be at all surprised if Cho's parents suspected for many, many years that he was very ill, but they probably felt a deep shame about it, and were very afraid to seek treatment for him. I don't know this for sure, mind you. But it is my suspicion that they were just trying to do the best they could making ends meet in a country that was completely foreign to them and probably just swept those clues under the rug. I've seen people here and elsewhere blaming the family, but I think they didn't know any other way. As hard as it is for any family to face the mental illness of a child, I think it's even harder for Asian families still very close to their homeland's culture. Heck, my husband's parents are ashamed he doesn't want to buy a big house in the suburbs and have three perfect children, I can't imagine what they'd do if they found out he was mentally ill. He hasn't even told them that he's diabetic because he doesn't need their negativity and told-you-sos.

Anyway Droopy, thank you for sharing your story and talking about how your parents were very loving but almost unaware of what was happening to you. It was important to hear and very brave and wonderful of you to tell us.

[bleedingheart]

17. Shame is what keeps a lot of families from seeking treatment for loved ones

and it isn't just Asian families.

In my family shame has kept:

1. women in abusive relationships..."divorce is a sin", "leaving your husband makes you a harlot"...
2. My cousin's son is illiterate and is without work because she didn't want to endure the shame of putting him in special education classes.

My mom still is a bit sad about me seeking help for my son...because no one wanted to admit he might have a problem...

[grace0418]

45. I completely understand bleedingheart, believe me. I come from a weirdly

Catholic family where my mom ruled with fear, guilt and shame. In fact, when I've had the above described conversations with my Asian friends, they've told me that I can relate to their issues pretty well because of that. But there does seem to be an extra layer of pride and, conversely, shame that my husband and my friends have always carried from their families. The expectations for a very narrowly defined kind of success (certain grades, certain degrees, a certain kind of career, a certain kind of house, a certain kind of car, a certain kind of lifestyle, certain gender roles, etc.) and the subsequent shame that comes from the slightest deviation from those expectations weighs very heavily on them.

I'm not saying it doesn't happen to other families, and obviously we'll never know for sure if it had any bearing on whether Cho's family did not seek treatment for him. But it's something that has occurred to me as a possible cultural reason to understand the bigger picture.

I'm sorry that you had to experience what you did, and I'm glad to hear you chose to seek help for your son. :hug:

[treestar]

47. I've heard Koreans say that the pressure to succeed is very great

in Korea - that they are so competitive, and one couple even wanted to come to the U.S. so their children could go to school here instead - because it is so competitive and high pressure there.

Not to overgeneralize from that, though. And our culture is competitive too.

[gaspee]

28. In my post

I wasn't blaming the family. If *I* had a child, I might not recognize the signs because I wouldn't want my child to be going through that. Shame may play a part in it, but I would think admitting it to yourself, if it's not too severe, would be a big problem. Because no one wants it to be true. I don't think I'm explaining myself too well.

[kineneb]

33. I understand

I think that is where my mom is comming from. She has never understood my mental health issues, nor really wanted to face them. One, I think she wants to deny the genetic element (great-grandma was a suicide, grandma had severe geriatric depression), and because she still wants to see me as the "perfect" child (never mind I am 48).

[grace0418]

43. I'm sorry gaspee, I wasn't referring to your post. I was referring to some of the

other threads I read where people were blaming his parents for the whole thing (even saying that they shoulh have known not to give him a credit card). We'll never know for sure of course, maybe they were horribly abusive and caused his problems. But it's also just as possible that he kept his symptoms hidden, or his parents were too ashamed to see what clues were there.

You're explaining yourself just fine. I would like to think that I too would recognize that in my child and get help for him or her. But as the OP has illustrated, it's not always that obvious or easy. When you add in the kind of cultural differences I've seen in the Asian families that I know, it becomes even cloudier.

I'm sorry if I unintentionally called you out. :hi:

[moc]

67. A Korean student of a colleague of mine had a panic attack today.

Because of shame over what happened at VT.

[grace0418]

74. Oh that's terrible!

I hope that doesn't continue. Poor dear. :(

[greyghost]

73. Exactly...

According to a BBC report I just watched Cho's mother was aware that there was "something" wrong with him for years.

[grace0418]

I feel so bad for them.

It would be very easy to blame them for not getting help for their son, and I do understand the frustration behind that position, but this must be so unbelievably devastating for them. I hope they can find some peace. His sister too. They won't get the same sympathy that the victims families' get, but they hurt all the same.

It's all just so terribly, terribly sad.

[greyghost]

110. Exactly...

their lives are changed forever as well.

[progdonkey]

91. a post on DU linked to an article that said he'd been diagnosed as autistic at eight...

...and that his grandfather said, "The bastard deserved to die," and something to the effect that a family shouldn't have to deal with a child like that. After a quick Google search, though, I couldn't find the article in question, but an article at a Waco station's website said that his parents had been told he was autistic when he arrived in the US, but a BBC article instead said that there was no mention of his being autistic in his medical records.

I think the issue of his actually being autistic is more for the mental health experts, since the more pertinent issue is whether the family believed something was wrong with him. The hate that the grandfather expressed towards him--not just for the killings, but for his very existence--makes it pretty clear that he wasn't very welcome in his family. It sounds like the parents did their best, but were fighting an uphill battle against their cultural stigmas. The irony of this whole tragedy is that, if Cho had simply committed suicide in his room with one of those guns, everyone would've felt sorry for him and had pity for what must've been an awful upbringing.

[grace0418]

103. I hope that's not true, but if it is that's just terrible.

I would feel very differently about his family if that turned out to be true. It's one thing to be fighting an uphill battle against cultural stigmas, but if indeed his grandfather said that it went way too far.

Either way I feel just terribly sad about the whole thing. Whether it's cultural stigmas, ignoring mental illness, bullying, or whatever. It's all just so sad.

[knowbody0]

13. you make the world a better place, Droopy

Thank you

[Samurai_Writer]

15. Thank you, Droopy

I have been watching my sister decline for over 20 years after she was first diagnosed as schizophrenic. Unfortunately for her, the meds are not helping much. She's now gotten to the point where she doesn't even want to try to get well again, either physically or mentally. It's so sad to see someone who was so full of promise, intelligence, and life just slip away like that. I'm so glad you were able to get the help you needed, and that the medications worked for you.

Hugs to you!

[DixieBlue]

16. Thank you for sharing.

Really. It sheds needed light on the situation ... not of the shooting, but the situation many mentally ill people are in.

One of my uncles is a schizophrenic. I try to understand him, but you're post really helps me get him more.

Thank you, truly.

[wicket]

18. Thanks for sharing your very personal story with us all

{{{{{Droopy}}}}}} :hug: :)

[LeftyFingerPop]

19. Droopy, thanks for this. n/t

[jobycom]

20. Thank you. I've seen that all from the other end, and you're right, people don't get it.

The illness runs in my family. Fortunately, I was adopted. My grandmother and all of her siblings, and most of her nieces were schizophrenic. My brother is paranoid delusional schizophrenic. Luckily he was diagnosed at 17, when he had a nervous breakdown. I watched him go from the greatest hero in my life to a withdrawn psychotic, drug-addicted mess that I couldn't understand. When he had his nervous breakdown, he was medicated, but it take much experimentation and several setbacks to make him almost functional. He is still an invalid, living with my parents, and will no doubt live with me when they become unable to care for him. He doesn't fit any Hollywood stereotype of "crazy," he just can't handle pressure in any form without it disturbing him, even on medication.

He's tried to kill me twice. Once, when I was a teenager, he walked into the kitchen, picked me up without warning, and slammed me headfirst into the floor. Luckily it was pier and beam house, so the floor wasn't concrete. He stood over me and screamed for a few minutes while I laid curled up on the floor--I won't go into detail, but I did recognize the types of things Cho was saying in his video, though the words were different. Then suddenly he ran from the room. About ten years later, without us having ever mentioned it, he apologized, and wanted me to know he'd never do it again. I told him I already knew that.

The second time he tried to burn our house down by pouring gasoline on the outside of my room and lighting it. He seemed to have fixated on me as a threat, because I had become a little like he was when he was sane. He felt supplanted. The sad thing is, I tried to become like him because I had been in awe of him. He couldn't reason it all out, all he knew was that he was living in Hell and I had become what he once was, so I was to blame. Anyway, once he saw the flames, something clicked him back to sanity, and he grabbed a hose and put the fire out. I didn't know it was happening until it was over. That's another thing I've never talked with him about.

We caught him once, long, long ago, stalking an old girlfriend. He had just begun his medication, and we had been told that he would be "normal" on the medication, so my parents didn't keep tabs on him. One day we got a call from this girl's father, telling us my brother was calling her and coming by all the time, and scaring her. We just figured he was afraid of mentally ill people, but when my parents asked my brother about it, he told us she wanted him around, and she was just pretending she didn't. "Peopl don't understand this," he told us, "but we are going to get married." Something about the way he said it spooked all of us, and my parents took him back to the doctors immediately. They adjusted his medication and spoke to him about it. He never bothered the girl again. I've always wondered if something bad would have happened if no one had intervened.

Just a couple of many stories. Now and then I can talk to him as a regular person. Often our conversations are incredibly strained, and we tend to avoid each other even when nearby. This was my hero, this was the smartest, most talented boy I knew growing up. He made good grades, he was athletically gifted and came close to setting state track records, he was a gifted artist, and he was the type of storyteller at a young age that everyone encouraged to tell stories. He reminded me of the main character in the movie "Stand by Me."

And now I can barely talk to him.

Mental illness is a disease. I've gone into trembling fits of rage over the VT story, over how many people failed to help this man, over how, even though everyone saw what was happening, no one with the authority would do anything about it. Who do I feel the most pain over? The victims, certainly, did nothing to deserve this, and their tragedy is beyond words. But I can't shake the image of this man's pain. And it's not really that, it's not really that I feel sorry for him. In an odd way, I don't. I feel sorry for his sister, more than anything, and his parents, and the families of everyone whom he killed. I feel horror at what the victims must have felt, looking into those eyes just before they died. I've looked into those eyes. You can't describe it.

Mental illness is a disease, and every one of those people--family, victims, survivors, and the monster himself--are victims of that illness. That's what I hate. It stole my brother. It stole the pleasant family I had as a kid. It's robbed 33 families of their loved ones, of their innocence. Someone should have spotted it. They should play those tapes of this man's ramblings 24/7 on every radio and television station out there, until people understand. Maybe then people won't be able to look the other way.

Thanks, Droopy. I didn't intend to get this emotional. I may come to my senses and not post this. :) (If you are reading it, I failed). I just want you to know I appreciate this post, in a very personal way. Your courage makes me feel insignificant. Thank you.

[SmokingJacket]

23. Another great and important post. Thanks. nt

[SmokingJacket]

21. Thank you. Best response I've read and the heart of the problem.

I think we've managed to blur the lines between psychosis and everyday mild afffective disorders. Education is needed.

[hunter]

34. I think sfexpat2000 has nails the reason for that above...

When she says, "The "system" used privacy laws to try to isolate the sufferer and give them the least care possible...

Blurring the lines was a way of denying responsibility.

In effect our broken society turned a medical and social problem into something much, much worse.

You can place a lot of the blame on the way medical insurance works in this country. It has always been a deliberate policy to separate mental health issues from other health issues because, let's face it, mental health issues are difficult to deal with and expensive and the general attitude of society is that most mentally ill people are simply too lazy to get their shit together, or criminal, or immoral.

[eridani]

65. Exactly

People think nothing of telling the severely depressed to just cheer up, or the schizophrenic to just snap out of it. Those same people would never ever consider hollering "Just make more insulin, dammit" at type I diabetics.

[proud2BlibKansan]

22. Oh wow, thank you so much

Yes, you have done such a good thing here. Bravo bravo bravo.

:yourock:

[EstimatedProphet]

24. Peace to you, friend

You've told me before the hell you went through. I still would never be able to imagine it. I can only imagine now what you must be going through now, seeing what happened at VT and knowing it in a way other people can't relate to.

[skygazer]

25. Wonderful post, Droopy

This has been on my mind as well but I never could have expressed it so well. One of the best posts I've ever read here. Thanks. :hug:

[ms liberty]

26. Thank you Droopy...

Every time someone with actual knowledge and experience with this issue comes forward and speaks out, more people become educated and informed. I appreciate your courage and strength in opening up to us about this difficult and scary time in your life. Your post, and a similar one from undergroundpanther a couple of days ago, have helped me (and I hope others) gain understanding and insight.

:hug:

[hunter]

27. I pray people are paying attention to these posts that matter.

There's a lot of wisdom and experience showing up here on DU amidst all the noise.

Thanks, Droopy

[EFerrari]

31. kick

[ShortnFiery]

32. Thankfully you had an excellent support system (family first and friends later) who helped you ...

For people who do seek psychiatric counseling please make sure that you form "a good team relationship" with your psychiatrist. Years ago, when I was suffering from Depression, I was mis-diagnosed as manic depressive (bipolar) and given pills that sunk me down into a profoundly severe, near catatonic depression ... My family freaked out because I'm the embodiment of energy when not depressed. The mood stabilizers were the worst medication a person who is Depressed but NOT bipolar could be prescribed ... Eight ECT sessions, a second opinion and several written diagnostic tests and interviews later, I was FINALLY diagnosed with Clinical Depression with concomitant ADHD. Upon subsequent research, I discovered that both ADD/ADHD tendencies run strongly within our family tree. However, my depression developed, most likely, from the sense of isolation I felt as an adolescent, i.e., I was an anti-authoritarian geek who only enjoyed one or two friendly acquaintances at any particular time. I always felt "weird" and even other people would use THAT WORD when referring to me. Teen years were the most miserable of my entire life. :( Although I was not psychotic, I wanted often to do the unspeakable ... to "end the pain" of continued existence.

Like you Droopy, having the love, INTERVENTION and unconditional support of my family literally saved my life. All that I have added above is to encourage people who are initially "unsettled" with their first Psychiatrist, to please take it upon themselves to get a second opinion. I know from experience that being treated for the CORRECT mental health Dx (DSM-IV) can save one from years of continued intense emotional suffering.

Bless your courage Droopy. :hug:

Best wishes to you and yours. :hi:

[kineneb]

35. thank you

I have battled and continue to battle with depression, in spite of therapy and medication. It will always be an issue for me. Thank you for the essay.

[pacalo]

36. Thank you so much for sharing your painful experience, Droopy.

If you don't mind, I'd like to give you my thoughts privately through e-mail. :)

Nothing could serve as a better example of how society has misunderstood mental illness than the continuous "WTF" comments on the news about Cho the last few days.

[ThomCat]

37. Thank you very much for sharing this.

I lived with a friend for several years who was paranoid schizophrenic. He had it under control with medication, but even so, if you spoke to him long enough you'd know something was odd about the way he perceived and understood the world.

A lot of people are quick to jump in and lable people "Evil" when they're just sick. We really, really, need to make good mental healthcare available to everyone without a stigma attached. And we need to make sure people are screened for mental health issues periodically.

I am very glad that you got the medical help you need, and I'm glad you have a good relationship with your family. :hug:

Be well.

[mdmc]

39. Thanks for the OP

:kick:peace and low stress
I enjoyed reading it...

[mopinko]

40. thanks droopy.

it is so hard for people who have never been through it to understand.
sadly, i predict that this "record" will not stand for long. mental illness is increasing all on its own, and soldiers are coming home from this meat grinder with fractured minds, both chemically and physically. so sad.

[Lindsey]

42. Thank you for your powerful story....

I'm so happy for you that your medication has changed your life. I completely agree that this is what this guy man needed. The mental health-care system in this country is a disaster - and this is one of the consequences.

FYI - My uderstanding is that Tipper Gore was going to make mental health-care one of her "causes" had she become First Lady.......

[PA Democrat]

44. Thank you for such a great post, Droopy.

I'm so glad that you got the help you needed and are here to share your experiences.

[AZBlue]

46. Thank you for sharing this with us.

I'm so glad you got the help you needed. We need more success stories like yours!
K&R

[EFerrari]

48. kick

[troubleinwinter]

49. Your post is enlightening, educational and above all, HOPEFUL. Thank you for all.

[xiamiam]

50. thank you,,i appreciate your candor and request that we stop pretending .start educating and talking

..i hear you droopy..thanks for sharing..

[Duppers]

51. Kick. People should read this.

THANKS for posting, Droopy.

People should know this...it's an 'education' for some folks posting in latest news forum.

[Cabcere]

52. Droopy, thank you so much

for that wonderfully insightful and intensely personal post. :hug: I don't think I can express in words the enormous amount of respect I have for you, but know that it is a lot, and I am so glad you are OK now. :hug: We're so lucky to have you with us on DU (and thanks again for my donor star - I haven't forgotten your generosity! :loveya: ). Peace.

[Lisa]

53. Peace, Droopy

Thanks for a wonderful post.

[Flarney]

54. This is a perfect response to the tragedy at VT...thanks. n/t

[Raksha]

55. "Thank you for sharing" sounds so lame,

but thank you for giving us the benefit of your experience and insight.

[WiseButAngrySara]

56. What a wonderful and enlightening post Droopy! I hope

that everyone reads this.

[northamericancitizen]

57. Recommended. Thanks for sharing. eom

[slackmaster]

58. Thanks for your contribution Droopy, glad you got through it

:toast:

[Sparkly]

59. Thanks, Droopy... I've seen psychosis up close

and I think I have radar for it, at least in some forms. My Mom was bipolar, and in her manic phases she sometimes became psychotic.

My older sister had a boyfriend who developed schizophrenia (for some reason it was brought on by LSD, I was told?). Years later, when she was living out of state and I was at a local college, he came around looking for ME for some reason (literally showed up in a dance studio and started looking under the piano and in closets for me, I was told) and started writing me strange, nonsensical letters.

And years after that, I met up with a woman I'd known back in college, and I knew she was psychotic even before she started talking about toasters affecting something she was hearing on the news...

I only saw a few short clips of Cho, but when they mentioned long incoherent letters, I had to wonder; and when he said something about being crucified like Jesus, my radar blinked a bit. (Sad to say, people I've known talked about God and Jesus and visions and such when they were disconnected from reality that way. I don't know why, or what it means, but it's different than sane religious people's words.)

I didn't see enough to really set off my radar, and I'm not saying my radar is a real diagnostic tool, but I do know what you mean -- sometimes, from experience, it just resonates.

(I also know how important the right meds are, so all the threads blaming medications are irresponsible, in my view. When my mother didn't take hers, that's when all hell broke loose.)

Thanks for sharing your story. Talking about it is so important, as you said!! :hi:

[BrklynLiberal]

60. There are so many wouldas, shouldas, couldas related to Mr. Cho that we may

never be able to pinpoint the moment that might have made the difference for him...
HOWEVER....
I want to know why nothing was done to safeguard the students during the two hours between the initial shootings, and those that took place TWO HOURS LATER!!!
That is what really irks me. What was done during those two hours could have made the difference between 2 deaths and 30+ deaths.:grr:

[prairierose]

61. Thank you Droopy..

:hug:

Thank you for being willing to share your story. Hopefully your post will educate some people to the issue of mental illness and schizophrenia. I am happy that you are doing better and I hope that continues.

I have suffered from depression for many years now. I spent years being dysfunctional. I seem to have it under control now but I never know when it will jump up and bite me again. I used to speak to nursing students and counseling students. I wanted them to see what mental illness looks like. Sometimes it looks like the person next door.

The first thought I had when I heard the news of the VT shootings, I was sure the shooter was mentally ill. Yet another tragedy laid at the door of the fact that this country does not have universal health care and tries to pretend that we can just ignore mental illness and it will go away and hide. Mental illness does not hide. It is in our streets every day when we walk by a homeless person. It is in our workplaces, it is in our schools. It will not go away just because ,we as a society, choose to ignore it. It will not go away just because ,we as a society, choose not to take responsibility for the care of those who can not care for themselves. Or to help those families who need help with a family member who is ill.

[MN ChimpH8R]

62. Excellent post

I've been down that road, though not as far as you were.

See http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x708433

Peace to you too, Droop, and thanks for an excellent post.

[bonito]

63. Thank you

By sharing you experiences this could help some recognize problems they, or a loved one might be up against.

[maggiegault]

64. Bless you, Droopy

My experience with bipolar disorder is not similar to yours 100%, but those of us who suffer from a mental illness or have seen a loved one go through it know that every single word of your piece here is genuine.

I loathe Cho for what he did, all of that innocent life gone in an instant, but I also cannot help but feel compassion for an obviously sick young man who desperately needed help and was not given it.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

66. It took courage to reveal that history in our often ignorant society

Thank you.

[Matsubara]

68. Thanks for sharing this.

I'm glad you are managing your illness and hope you are finding happiness in life.

[file83]

69. We might want to remind people that very few "mentally ill" people ever kill. It's rare.

Most mentally ill people aren't dangerous to anyone but themselves. That being said, if the psychosis, delusion, and setting are all aligned just right (or wrong in this case), violence leading to death can happen.

I just don't want people to think that all "shizoaffective disorder" diagnosed people are violent, is all.

Droopy, thanks for sharing your insight. :thumbsup:

[RevCheesehead]

71. Thanks for adding a sane voice to the discussion.

I read your post when you posted in the lounge (sometime last year, right?). I want to thank you for your courage in posting your story here.

Perhaps some people could tone down their anger and take a moment to really try to empathize with mentally ill people. Your story shows us that there's never a simple explanation.

[phylny]

72. Thank you for sharing this private and touching story of your experience. n/t

[WillyT]

75. Thank You...

Thank you for helping me to understand.

K & R !!!

:pals:

[Cleita]

76. Your story is another reason that it's imperative that we get

a comprehensive national health plan sooner and not later. How many other Chos are out there getting ready to explode and it's just a simple fix of a couple of prescriptions? I'm so happy that you were able to get the help you needed before it was too late.

[Fresh_Start]

78. I have a now elderly uncle who was ill and refused treatment

for over 40 years. His children hate him. His children hate their mother because she wouldn't deal with the mental illness and subjected them to it for their entire lives.

Only after he was taken to the hospital over an unrelated emergency, was he diagnosed and treated.

He's being treated with drugs now and understands. He's human.

Get treatment people.
If you know someones ill, make sure they get treatment.
Whatever you do, don't subject children to the toxic environment of mentally ill and sometimes violent adult.

[FloridaJudy]

79. Thank you seems inadequate

As someone who grew in a family with mental illness, I'm always appalled at how many people fail to understand.

[zippy890]

84. Thank you so much for your post

You have expressed your experience so well, I am so thankful to you for doing so.

The problems you faced are so much like what happened to my older brother when he was younger, it made me cry. My brother became seriously ill with manic depression/psychosis when he was 20 years old and went undiagnosed and then MISdiagnosed for 10 years.

10 years of hell for him, in and out of jail and institutions, living in a horrible world of mental illness; 10 years of hell for us, his family, especially my mother who had to endure his episodic rages of anger and hallucinations. Finally he was put on the right medication, and almost overnight he became well- he had his sanity back, we had our brother back and my mother had her son, a thoughtful sensitive and bright man who has been well ever since, able to work, have a family and live a good life.

Its amazing, truly amazing what the right diagnosis and treatment regimen can do for people who suffer from mental illness. If as a society we could allocate enough resources for research, outreach and treatment of mental illness, I am convinced most of our problems would be solved.

Your words:
"We need to educate the public on possible indicators that someone is mentally ill. We need to open our hearts and our minds to a segment of the population that is horribly misunderstood and under-represented."

So true. Thank you so much for you have written and shared something that will help open minds to the problems faced by the mentally ill.

[blondie58]

85. thanks for sharing such a personal story, Droopy

and under the Bush administration, 25 million dollars has been cut from mental health.

[RagingInMiami]

86. You were one of my favorite Lounge Lizards back when I was a Lounge Lizard

And it was because of honest, well-written and educational posts like this. Good to hear from you again. And you are exactly right.

People tend to write off "crazy people" as being impossible to change, but in many if not most cases, simple medication can make a world of difference.

The brain is an interesting and complex organ. And it is what affects all our personalities. Making adjustments in the brain with medication can convert a person's personality tremendously.

The problem is, most insurance companies do not pay for mental health care. And it is not a priority for our government.

It's people like you who can begin changing that by taking this subject to the forefront.

[yardwork]

87. Thank you for your post and for starting this wonderful thread

Droopy, I have read your posts for several years and admired you for sharing your experiences on this board so that others can understand a little bit about what it means to be mentally ill in this country.

As others have posted, I remember what happened when the government closed the mental health facilities and then failed to follow through with the group care that had been promised. This is why so many mentally ill people now live on the streets. The situation has gotten worse and worse. Many states, like mine, have begun completely defunding all publicly funded mental health care. Fewer and fewer people have private insurance. It's a disaster.

Meanwhile, all the cultural stigmas against seeking mental health care remain.

There are effective treatments for mental health issues. We know what they are. They aren't that expensive compared to the costs of doing nothing - or invading another country.

Sending love and shared courage out to everyone on DU and beyond on this Friday. Blessed be.

[Droopy]

88. THANK YOU ALL!!!

Thanks for reading my post. Thanks for kicking it up there. Thanks for the greatest recs. Thanks for your sensitivity and compassion. A special thanks to all of you who shared your stories of mental illness. I read every post in this thread to this point and I just wanted to express my gratitude for all of your compassionate words and stories.

[MADem]

89. Gee, let me be the SEVENTY FIRST person to recommend this incredible post!

You have a unique skill to describe events clearly and plainly. What a tremendous recounting that was! Your account certainly gives the "I'll bet..." crowd reason to pause in speculating about what "caused" his difficulties.

[DemExpat]

90. Thanks, Droopy,

Your persepective and experience offer much to this tragedy.

DemEx

[Le Taz Hot]

92. Thank you, thank you, thank you

for your post. Mental/emotional illness are the most misunderstood of human maladies. I've suffered from long (as in years) bouts of depression myself due to 17 years of horrible child abuse. Any medications I've been given just put me to sleep and prohibit me from functioning. Over the years I've learned to self medicate as best I can but sometimes those memories just won't stop.

One time when I was going through a particularly bad spell, I was on DU and was hurting so bad I actually made a post trying to reach out to anyone that I was having suicidal thoughts. That post was deleted. A message to the administrators/mods": Never EVER do that! When people are hanging on by a thread one more rejection like that is enough to push a person over the edge.

I function from day to day as best I can. I can usually play what I call "the game" in that I smile, joke, put on "the face" and no one knows. But sometimes, in the middle of the night I hear the screams and remember the horrible horrible loneliness and it starts all over again. Thank goddess I have a loving, unbelievably understanding husband and best friend of 30 years who lives with us. Both are incredibly patient and show me unconditional love so I know they're not going anywhere.

Thank you so much for your post. We are legion, my friend.

[mzteris]

93. You're one of the bravest

people I know.

Thanks. You've probably touched more lives than you'll ever know.

:hug:

[Virginia Dare]

95. Thanks for your insight Droopy..

so glad you were able to come back from the abyss. The most heartbreaking thing about this whole situation is that kid need help, and instead he went out and got guns.

[slj0101]

96. I read this the other day. It's incredibly inspiring.

Thank you for sharing this with us, Droopy.

[HamdenRice]

97. Thanks for this brutally honest insight -- kicked nt

[ecstatic]

98. He was misdiagnosed due to his ethnicity

Every person who had contact with him assumed that he barely knew English, despite him being an English major and typing stories and what not in English. Hello? The doctors probably did the same thing--they probably wrongly attributed his quiet and aloof mannerisms to his ethnicity or to him being foreign.

[Jack Rabbit]

99. My name is Jack and I have a brain disease

That's the politically correct term for mental illness nowadays.

I suffer major depression. I have had it for a long time, but it became severe after the sudden death of my sister three years ago.

I was nearly hospitalized last year. A counsellor for moble crisis decided I wasn't quite suicidal enough and sent me home. In an era of underfunded priorities, one just about has to attempt suicide to be suicidal enough.

Now and then, I talk to dead relatives. This is disconcerting for someone who doesn't believe in ghosts. My sister starting showing up last summer. My mother dropped in the night before Saddam was hanged and asked my opinion about it.

I haven't worked in two years. I wouldn't hire me right now. I have applied for disability. To keep self-disciplined, I make it a goal to put a chess report in the sports forum every Sunday, even though I know few people read it. Otherwise, I can't be bothered with laundry, dishes, cooking, etc.

I take paxil and trazedone. Paxil is an anti-dpressent. Trazedone is an anti-depressent that works better as a sleep aid.

My best friend and most constant companion is Ike, my cat. He will love me unconditionally for about 30 seconds at a time by letting me hold him. He tninks he's an Egyptian god and calls me "mortal".

[rodeodance]

102. I am trying to decide if your post is satrire or not. ????

[Jack Rabbit]

104. It isn't.

[EFerrari]

109. I call them imMobile Psych disServices.

:hug:

[rodeodance]

100. The media is making invisible mental illness now. Hiding it

[rodeodance]

101. this ws Tipper Gore's issue as I recall. anyone heard from her?

[Le Taz Hot]

105. Kick because

Alec Baldwin's voice mail message really isn't more important than this issue.

Sad.

[EFerrari]

108. kick