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VAMPIRE Q&A Q. Who can really explain Vampires? A. There are Vampire stories from old Europe. There are Vampire movies from the new world, There are Vampire books, Vampire series, people that dress like Vampires. That should help. Q. How to explain this in a uniquely American way? A. Well, there's Papa Bear, Mama Bear and Baby Bear and the Odd Couple, they are all on the Supreme Court. They dress like Vampires and they only come out at night so, they'll explain this because they think like Vampires. Q. This is America, we can solve any problem with a little fantasy, right? A. Yes. Not to worry. They are conservatives on the Court, so this is easy; take a realistic approach to idealism, everything will be clear that way.1.) Declare that blood is really money 2.) Declare that money is really speech and since speech is really votes, that should solve all of our problems by voting for what we want. Q. America can't have any problems, right? A. No, because money is the life blood of America so, we can solve all of our problems with money . Q. What do we do about cynicism? How can you realistically have idealism when nothing really lives up to the ideals of The Three Bears and the Odd Couple? A. Realistically, you have to be cynical, that way, everything works in a uniquely American way. Right wing Geniuses call that pragmatism. Q. How do we feed American Vampires? A. We'll have wars! We'll train people to kill, our Vampires will make money, problem solved. In order to feed the American Vampires, there are six billion people in the world to make war on that aren't Americans, so we just turn our Vampires loose on them. No American is going to miss foreigners. Say we kill 30 regular people to one of their Vampires, that seems fair. Q. Not so fast. There are Vampires that live only off American blood, I mean money. What about them? A. Let them take care of sick people, sick people are going to die anyway, Vampires won’t miss them. Say, our sick people die, that can generate a lot of money, even after the end, even if they kill only one at a time. Q. What about the really pure Vampires. The ones who need direct infusions of money and can’t wait to earn it dishonestly? A. Let them run the banks, that way they can drink right from the spigot. Q. What about sister Sarah. Isn’t she the purest of the pure? A. She’s a comer but she doesn’t have critical mass yet and it’s not likely, she’s too pure. Q. If a majority of people really don't want to do it that way anymore, then the thing to do is to solve it the American way and elect someone else to change the system. Right? A. A majority of people is not a majority of votes. This is how democracy works, according to the Supreme Court. Q. But if that elected person is convinced that Americans can't live without cynicism, then can that person make cynical decisions without consulting the people? A. Yes, unless they have money. Q. Can we go on forever this way? A. Yes, but people who aren't Vampires and aren't cynics are going to spoil it.
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