From
ABC News (emphasis mine):
Secaucus, New Jersey - Nearly the entire American taxpaying population are reeling today after being diagnosed with a prolapsed rectum- a painful condition wherein the walls of the rectum protrude through the anus and hence become visible outside the body. Both Johns Hopkins School of Medicine and the Mayo Clinic have already provided ABC news with press releases describing the injuries which are severe and painful and are suspected to have affected more than 230 million Americans today.
A leaked memo from the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta indicates that the nature of these injuries and their startling appearance in Americans as young as 18 is most likely caused by a powerful physical manifestation of the metaphorical "ass-rapeing" (sic) which Americans have suffered at the hands of corrupt politicians over decades as the country slides more and more "toward a new era of serfdom and subservience to corporations' interests."
A spokesman from the CDC angrily denied that the memo represented an official position from the organization and that Americans should not be jumping to conclusions about this mysterious affliction.
--snip--
In a rare display not seen since 9/11, Congressional members assembled on the House steps and senselessly sang the national anthem though very few seemed affected by the outbreak. They promised to introduce legislation after the Christmas break which would address the issue though there is already dissension among lawmakers about how this would affect the upcoming Healthcare Reform legislation being worked on currently.
Sen. Lieberman was quoted in an interview earlier as stating "I think it's the wrong and dangerous thing for America to subsidize the surgeries required to repair these injuries before we know more about their cause. There has been some rumor mongering from the CDC but I have had briefings from the Intelligence Committee which indicate that Iran may be behind this."
When asked why he didn't appear to be affected he smiled and replied "Just lucky, I guess."
--snip--
In an off the record interview, one senior member expected there could be some legislative relief before Christmas. "These sorts of injuries typically don't happen overnight: The American people have been fucked over for decades now and that makes it a pre-existing condition which won't be covered."
He added, "Though I think we can get a compromise bill which will, say, cover half the price of one of those inflatable donut-shaped cushions which should give adequate relief to America. We have been in contact with China and they've indicated they have manufacturing resources in place to meet our expected demand."
PB
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