The entire column is very funny and really rags on Miami politicians, as well as Tancredo.
http://www.DaveBarry.com/PEDRO PORTAL/MIAMI HERALD FILE, 2004
Welcome to Miami, Super Bowl visitors! You are going to have a wonderful time, from the moment you arrive in our magical city, until the moment you discover that your wallet is missing. I'm kidding! You'll be fine, probably! Because the truth is that Miami is a terrific place, despite the criticisms you may have heard from ignorant yokel blowhards who shall remain nameless, such as U.S. Rep. Tom Tancredo.
Back in November, Rep. Tancredo, who represents suburban Denver, ruffled some feathers down here when he called Miami ``a third-world country.''For the record, that charge is unfair: Miami is WAY better armed than any third-world country. Miami is also a world-class party city, which is why the Super Bowl is being held here for a record-tying ninth time. Compare that with -- to pick a city at random -- Denver, which has been selected to host the Super Bowl a total of, let's see, the '60s, nope, the '70s, nope, the '80s, nope, the '90s, nope, the 2000s, nope . . .
Gosh, it seems that Denver has NEVER, not one single time in over four decades, been selected to host the Super Bowl. I'm sure there's a good reason for this, such as that the Denver area has too few hotel rooms, or too many xenophobic dimwits representing it in Congress. But enough about Tom. Let's get back to Miami, and how you, the Super Bowl visitor, can get the maximum possible enjoyment from your stay here, with the fewest possible sucking chest wounds. We'll start with:
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Most Spanish-speakers speak some English; in fact, many of them speak it far better than -- to pick a xenophobic dimwit at random -- Rep. Tom Tancredo. Nevertheless, you may find it helpful to learn a few basic Spanish phrases, such as:
``¿Donde está el Rep. Tancredo?'' (``Where is the toilet?'')
``Salga de mi camino, usted Rep. Tancredo.'' (``Get out of my way, you stupid idiot.'')