God, Jesus Announce Boycott of “The 700 Club”

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

Cite “Deep Philosophical and Religious Differences”

Las Vegas – January 13

Jesus Christ, flanked by God, appeared at an impromptu press conference today to announce that They will immediately begin boycotting the television show “The 700 Club”, as well as all of its advertisers and any other program or entity in any way affiliated with the show’s host, Christian Broadcasting Network founder Pat Robertson, and that They encourage “anyone within the sound of our voices to do the same”.

The unprecedented move by the world’s most famous Father and Son team followed remarks Robertson made regarding the tragic situation in Haiti, in which it is feared as many as 100,000 people may have perished as a result of yesterday’s earthquake. Robertson attributed the earthquake to what he described as a “pact to the Devil” made by the Haitian people to aid in their fight for liberation from Napoleon’s France.

“We’ve just had enough of this guy baselessly invoking Our names when discussing his personal beliefs, particularly when it comes to politics. Also, it’s not like he doesn’t know Who’s place it is to pass judgment, yet he continues to do so. We can only imagine that either he just doesn’t get it, or more likely, it’s all about ratings.” Mr. Christ went on to add, “And all those times he’s claimed to have spoken to Our Father here, all I have to say is, We have caller ID – the two have never had a conversation.”

Responding to reporters’ questions, Jesus, speaking on behalf of God as is Their custom, said, “I want to assure everyone that We, of course, are closely monitoring the situation in Haiti, and have canceled our planned visits to the Liberace Museum and Cirque du Soleil in order to focus more closely on events there. We will be leaving Vegas as soon as We resolve the issue for which We came and have finally determined if the ‘Elvis’ we’ve had with us for the past 33 years is, in fact, the King many have claimed. In the meantime, We will also stay accurately informed, as We often do, by monitoring The Borowitz Report.”

When asked if God planned to “call home” the controversial Robertson, who may turn 80 in March, any time soon, He responded, “These things are never finalized until the moment comes, but as things stand right now, this one’s not His call”.



“This is also a time when we are reminded of the common humanity that we all share, and Americans have always responded to these situations with generosity of spirit. If you would like to support the urgent humanitarian effort in Haiti, I encourage you to visit our website where you can learn more about how to contribute.” - President Barack Obama, January 13, 2010

http://www.WhiteHouse.gov/HaitiEarthquake

[ddeclue]

1. Satan say's he's disgusted too... asks for a little sympathy since he'll have to put up with Pat

for eternity...

[FiveGoodMen]

8. Wow! Mick Jagger was way ahead of his time.

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

22. duh! :o) nt

[wryter2000]

2. I love your post

Great and really funny.

However, the way you've written it, it looks as if the entire thing comes from the White House website. If I were you, I'd do something to make the division clearer.

:applause:

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

11. Good point... done on my blog. too late here... n/t

[RoyGBiv]

3. "We have caller ID"

Brilliant!

:rofl:

[Hello_Kitty]

4. Bravo!

:applause:

[blondeatlast]

5. "We have caller ID." Superb. k/r/nt

[chaplainM]

6. Fake God!

An omniscient God wouldn't make the third-grade mistake of confusing "Who's" with "Whose."

Also, He'd've known already the whereabouts of the real Elvis.

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

10. Thanks for the editing note (seriously)... n/t

[madrchsod]

7. i like the "nuns with guns"....

another shopping page i`ll have to save.


bookmarked your site too....

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

12. much appreciated. n/t

[Initech]

9. This just in - Jesus has quit!

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

13. Yeah, for now...

but think about it -- if he leaves his Father's business, where's he gonna go?

[Initech]

14. He'll start his own religion with blackjack! And hookers!

On second thought forget about the religion!

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

15. Will be the biggest thing since... well... Him... n/t

[Pryderi]

16. Best thing I've read in a loooong time. K&R!!!

[bertman]

17. HighLarious!!! Thanks for the laughs.

:rofl: :rofl:

[Divine Discontent]

18. Christ's very words call out Pat snake Robertson.... they're so blinded by hate & judgment.

[Bette Noir]

19. I'm sending a link to some of my progressive but non-DU friends.

This is a holy scream.

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

20. Much appreciated, and hopefully...

Pat transcends party lines...

[timtom]

21. I believe that happened YEARS ago (40?)

[jwirr]

23. That will be no problem for me - I've been doing it since the day they

came on. What we need to do is get to moderates that watch him - parents, friends, co-workers. Not because it is religious but because of what he said.

[Blue_Tires]

24. ttt

[grantcart]

25. kick

[BrklynLiberal]

26. Sure ope Robertson gets his just rewards....like a painful and lingering death.

[whistler162]

27. Old news! Why bring up something that happened

20+ years ago?

[rhett o rick]

28. Send Pat (the devil) Robertson a loving message here:

http://www.cbn.com/contact/feedback-700club.aspx

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

29. I can't thank you enough for the link! Sent them

a link to this...