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Blockbuster Deal Averts Late-Night, Treasury Showdowns
Representatives of NBC Universal and the Obama Administration stunned both the entertainment and financial worlds at a ‘Top of the Rock’ press conference this morning with the announcement that the parties had finalized a blockbuster trade that they claim “will forever shift the balance and perception of power as it pertains to the economy and late night television”.
Under the terms of the deal, NBC Universal will send their president and CEO Jeff Zucker and comedian/talk show host Jay Leno to the Treasury Department in exchange for embattled Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner and an undisclosed number of truckloads of cash.
The deal, engineered by sports ‘super-agent’ Scott Boras, has apparently been secretly in the works for some time, with the involvement and cooperation of all of the concerned parties. Mr. Boras, who represents none of the principles involved, told reporters, “When I was approached for assistance, I immediately saw this as an opportunity to both help my country and collect a ‘ginormous’ fee at the same time. The key was to get everyone on the same page from a planning perspective so that as soon as the deal was done, everyone would be prepared to hit the ground running.”
That last point was echoed by Senior Treasury Department Counsel Bridget Duncan, who said, “We all knew from the beginning that continuity and a smooth transition would be of the utmost importance to the interests of all Americans, particularly as far as the late night time slot is concerned.”
NBC Universal executives were effervescent in their praise of Geithner, going so far as to say that his first major decision has not only already been made, but they believe will go a long way towards leading the network back to a number one ranking. “Tim’s a natural, a genius who seems to naturally have a finger on the pulse of the TV watcher’s consciousness. We will take back 10-11 p.m. by storm,” according to programming director Liam Toomey, who then announced that the crucial time slot decimated by ‘The Jay Leno Show’ will be filled by ‘Goldman Sachs Cavalcade of Cash’ a reality/game show where investment bankers will compete for seven and sometimes eight figure bonuses. “Let’s face it, nothing gets big ratings like big cash, and nobody does big cash like Goldman Sachs.” Mr. Toomey then described the show as, ’a sort of modern form of ‘Queen for a Day’, but for people who already live in castles.”
When asked if he believed Mr. Zucker was up to the challenges faced by any Treasury Secretary, a senior Administration official replied, “Who cares? Jay wants to give it a shot, so the job is his.”
The same official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because certain negotiations are ongoing, also revealed that the State Department is nearing an accord with the Iranian government in which the United States would build nuclear power plants and other nuclear facilities “intended for peaceful purposes” in Iran in exchange for Iran making Mr. Zucker the head of all of its nuclear programs. “If Jeff Zucker can do for Iran’s uranium enrichment program what he’s done for NBC, we feel we can ensure peace and stability in the region for generations to come,” the source observed.
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