Help with witty retorts to Republican insults

[annm4peace]

My uncles sent this out for brainstorming help. Please post what you have.




Subject: Fw: Funnies that may offend liberals

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate

I love the next one!!!

America needs Obama Care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.


Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.


Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?

A: A fund raiser.


Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?

A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.

***********************

I need your help coming up with some witty retorts to the "unfunnies" below............
So far all I have come up with is these three:

What do you call an American willing to pay $9500 for less medical treatment than a Canadian gets for $2,800.?

A REPUBLICAN

What do you call an American willing to follow anything by that great Aussie Rupert Murdoch?

A CONSERVATIVE
What do you call an whining fool shouting for liberty but not willing to pay the bill?

A TEABAGGER


We need to come up with some for the Republicans. A brain storming session might do it.

[ddeclue]

1. Don't post this dumbass winger crap here. Hey it's NOT funny and it doesn't need rebuttal.

[leftstreet]

5. +1

Don't like seeing this crap here either

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

7. Agreed and alerted

[SlingBlade]

2. I just tell them to eat shit and die

Their good at eating the shit but the fuckers are like the Energizer Bunny
They just keep on ticking no matter what kind of shit their party sez or does.

Oh Wait .....:wtf:

[BolivarianHero]

3. Obviously not written by a conservative...

1. There are no obvious spelling or grammatical errors (usually accompanied by some comment about race or language).

2. Halloween is referenced without any insinuations that it may be Satanic or anti-American.

[MrModerate]

4. I don't go to playgrounds much any more, so I don't think I'd have much use . . .

for your list of antiwingnut insults. Knock yourself out, though.

[zeos3]

6. I'd like to help

but I'm afraid it would just degenerate into a vulgarity filled tirade with no end.


Try this if you're not afraid of swearing, look up the dirtiest joke in the world (renting The Aristocrats on DVD will help) and simply substitute "The Republicans!" or "The Teabaggers!" for the punch line.

[Dogmudgeon]

8. Here's a good one:

"Politics by one-liner. Very impressive. My uncle Clarence gave his life at Ypres/Corregidor/Omaha Beach/Pyonyang/Khe San/Tikrit so we could decide the course of our Republic by schoolyard taunts.

Stay classy, sir/ma'am, stay classy."

Sometimes, the best comeback is completely unguarded honesty.

--d!

[zeos3]

9. I found this online:

New Republican Definitions

alternative energy sources
n. New locations to drill for gas and oil.

bankruptcy
n. A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations

Cheney, Dick
n. The greater of two evils.

class warfare
n. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.

climate change
n. The day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

compassionate conservatism
n. Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

DeLay, Tom
n. 1. Past tense of De Lie 2. Patronage saint.

democracy
n. So extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted.

Fox News
fict. Faux news.

free markets
n. Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.

God
n. Senior presidential adviser.

growth
n. 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.

gun control

n. The index finger, usually on the right hand. No other definitions or usage.

habeas corpus
n. Archaic. (Lat.) Legal term no longer in use (See Patriot Act).

healthy forest
n. No tree left behind.

honesty
n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Freedom is on the march."

House of Representatives
n. Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million.

laziness
n. When the poor are not working.

leisure time
n. When the wealthy are not working.

liberal(s)
n. Followers of the Anti-christ.

neoconservatives
n. Nerds with Napoleonic complexes.

9/11
n. Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy. (see Terra, Terra, Terra)

No Child Left Behind
riff. 1. v. There are always jobs in the military.

ownership society
n. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.

Patriot Act
n. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.

pro-life
adj. Valuing human life until birth.

Senate
n. Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 million.

simplifiy
v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

staying the course
interj. Slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.
voter fraud
n. A significant minority turnout.

Wal-Mart
n. The nation-state, future tense.

water
n. Arsenic storage device.

[zeos3]

10. Here's another:

Things Republicans Believe

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

[Bucky]

11. How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Republicans prefer screwing the environment.

[Lasher]

12. You're looking too hard. Republicans ARE jokes.

If you want to reply in kind, copy and paste. That's all they are capable of.

Copy a page from this website every day and paste it onto an email. But wait, there's more:

http://www.republicanjoke.com/

[Sherman A1]

13. I start with the delete email option and block the sender

had to do it with a cousin (who is RW and never met an email that he couldn't forward) a year or so ago and my life is better.

[NecklyTyler]

14. These are old

I have been hearing versions of these insults used by people describing their least favorite politician for as long as I have been paying attention to politics (about 40 years).

A quick joke at a party is okay, but to rely on stuff like this make a political point is the sign of an amateur and indicative of individuals who are too intellectually lazy to actually learn theme of a political campaign.

Ignore your Uncle's jokes, tell him you take your politics seriously