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Security Tight as Loners Mourn Passing of Literary Giant

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ThisThreadIsSatire Donating Member (697 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-29-10 04:41 PM
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Security Tight as Loners Mourn Passing of Literary Giant
Law enforcement officials are tightening security in and around the nation’s prisons, high schools and colleges, and have issued special advisory warnings to celebrities and politicians as millions of loners, many of whom they fear may be prone to violence, join the literary community and the rest of the nation in mourning the passing of J.D. Salinger, the reclusive author of “Catcher in the Rye”, who passed away yesterday at the age of 91.

In New York City, midtown and lower Manhattan traffic came to a standstill as police tried to keep taxis –and their drivers — “out of range of politicians”.

The nation’s high schools, particularly those in affluent White suburbs, have been alerted to be on the lookout for unusual behavior, particularly among known “loners and nerds”. They have also been advised to increase security measures in order to prevent students from carrying weapons or more than three fluid ounces of shampoo on school grounds.

Williamsburg, Virginia police are reportedly “paying much closer attention” to the home of the mother of John Hinckley, Jr. who is there on a court-approved visit. According to a family spokesman, Mr. Hinckley, who brought a copy of the novel to Washington D.C. with him when he attempted to assassinate President Ronald Reagan in 1981, “John is, of course, understandably upset. He has been spending his time alone in his room in quiet contemplation and prayer, except when he looks in the mirror, and says ‘You talkin’ to me?’”

Authorities at the Attica Correctional Facility in upstate New York are keeping a closer eye on Mark David Chapman, who in December of 1980 carried a copy of “Catcher in the Rye” with him when he murdered former Beatle John Lennon. Inside the book, Chapman reportedly wrote for the police, “This is my statement,” signing the message as the novel’s protagonist. Chapman is reportedly “deeply saddened” by the author’s passing, and has, for the first time since before his incarceration, requested that his name be legally changed to ‘Holden Caulfield’.

John Robert Bardo, who carried a copy of “Catcher in the Rye” when he murdered actress Rebecca Schaeffer in 1989 released a statement expressing his grief over Salinger’s passing, adding that he hopes one day to read passages from the book to columnist and political commentator Ann Coulter.

Self-proclaimed ‘journalist’ James O’Keefe, who was, along with three accomplices, recently arrested while attempting to prove that the ringing phones in Senator Mary Landrieu’s office were being ignored by her staff — by gaining access to and shooting video from the master phone box at a separate location — was deeply saddened by the iconic author’s passing, telling reporters, “For a long time, I’d been planning to pose as a mail carrier in Cornish, New Hampshire, Mr. Salinger’s hometown, and get video proving once and for all that he was a big phony.”

http://thedesperateblogger.com/2010/01/security-tight-as-loners-mourn-passing-of-literary-giant/
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grantcart Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-30-10 01:23 PM
Response to Original message
1. lol
you need an agent lol

last line was priceless.

Also a few days ago your acknowledgement of a 78 rpm speed record still has me chuckling.
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