What does it mean to "Disown" a Family Member

[Mike 03]

I am posting this here because it seemed too serious for the Lounge, but I am truly seeking advice on this issue. "Fredo's" transgressions in a movie called GODFATHER PART II were raised in the Lounge, but this is not always just a theatrical thing.

What if you have a family member in a hopeless downward spiral, and after years of trying to help, you simply cannot help?

At what point, after years of struggle, do you declare it to be the point of no return, where you cannot help this person at all, and have to cut ties, even though it is painful beyond belief.

Anybody else been in this position where you feel you may have to give up hope on a sibling or close family member?

What did you do?

Thank you in advance for any advice on this sensitive matter.

[Warpy]

1. If the relationship is a close one, like a spousal relationship

one step is to post a public notice in the local paper that you will no longer be responsible for any debts or damages incurred by the person. Other than that, a lawyer would be your best guide in legally protecting yourself from the consequences of their behavior.

Other than that, it's a case of writing them out of the will and severing social ties until and unless they hit bottom and seek help.

Been there, done that, thank goodness for the divorce court.

[ZombieHorde]

2. Why would you have to cut ties with a family member you care about?

Is this person being violent against your family or stealing from other family members?

[Cleita]

3. It used to mean to lose your inheritance, something rich people and royalty

had to worry about in the past. At a more plebian level it means that parents sever ties with their child/ren because of some real or imagined wrong done to them.

[jody]

4. President John Adams disowned his son Charles Adams because he became an alcoholic et al misdeeds.

[Loki]

5. Yes, I was there with my daughter.

She had a serious drug problem, and after jumping bail, when I found out where she was, I called the police and they went to arrest her. This was my last hope and was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. She spent 5 years in prison, but I knew she was safe, she was alive, and she was getting treatment. We didn't speak for some time, but she has been clean and sober for the last 10 years and we work every day to make sure our relationship is honest and loving. My heart goes out to whomever is going through this. It is unspeakable pain, and sometimes there are no good answers. I don't think we ever truly give up on them, but sometimes we have to let them go and hope and pray that they can find their way back, but we never stop loving them.

[Saphire]

11. "but we never stop loving them." Yes, yes, yes. I went thru pretty much

the same trials with my oldest son. No mater what, I always wanted him to know that I love him. Whether his darkes nights were in prison or out on the streets, when he was absoulutly alone and unlovable by anyone else...I loved him.

Now he's clean for 4 years and finally happy. Our relationship has never been stronger.

[Chemisse]

12. I have been going through something similar with my son

I admire what you did. It is really hard to stop 'enabling'. Right now I am letting my son live with us while 'recovering'. If he stops progressing, my husband and I must gather the strength to make him leave our home.

We won't disown him in the sense of never seeing him again, but we need to protect our own well beings as well as not make a life of addiction an easy route for him to take. That means out on the streets and living with the consequences of the choices he makes.

The trouble is, where do you draw the line? What if he reverts and takes some drugs, then right away tries to stop again? We wouldn't want to sabotage his efforts by pulling the rug out from under him.

What if he starts taking drugs again and we throw him out on the streets, and then he commits suicide? How could we ever live with such terrible guilt?

Hopefully he will continue to do well and we won't have to face such decisions, but I have great sympathy for others who are in the same boat.

[Uben]

6. My sister in law is in this predicament

HEr daughter, who is bi-polar, hooked up with a "meth-head". They have broken into their home and stole stuff, and even threatened their lives. She kicked her out (several times) but she always got back into trouble. Her meth-head beau is in prison now, and she expressed that she has had enough and wants to dump the guy. She is still not allowed to live at home, but is welcome to visit (she is 27 yrs old). She is staying with some friends.

The daughter has been in rehab centers so many times, that they will no longer take her! She never finishes them.

It's tough love, but the rest of the family (there are children in the house) cannot be exposed to her wild swings any longer. She has had so many chances to reform, they no longer think she will ever change. She has disappeared for months without any contact.

It's sad because she was a very beautiful blonde who had always aspired to be a model. The meth has taken it's toll, and she no longer even looks like the same girl.

They pretty much take it day by day, but will not allow her back in the home unsupervised.

Don't know if that helps, but it's one story.

[Donnachaidh]

7. had to with my brother - drugs were his world

To the point where he was robbing his grandmother to keep getting high.

Tough love -- he HAD to hit bottom and realize there was no one left to cover his ass, and he had to decide if he was going to live or die. I hated doing it - but I also hated what he'd become.

That was 20 years ago. He's now clean and sober almost 20 years, and is a drug rehab counselor. His life is back in order and we've never been closer.

Sometimes you have to let go in order to help.

[liberal N proud]

8. My Aunt disowned her son because he divorced his wife

She died, not having spoken to him from the day he told her he was getting a divorce.

[tosh]

9. I've never "disowned" anyone...

but I have a sibling that I am on "no contact" with by my choice, or perhaps by mutual choice.

It is not about addiction, but nevertheless he is bound to become a lonely old man. He is my only sibling and I find it heartbreaking.

[H2O Man]

10. Allowing a person

to "hit bottom" may be the best alternative in many cases. It is distinct from "disowning" a person.

[pipi_k]

13. In my case, it wasn't a downward spiral that did it

It was a struggle over whether a BIL (married to one of my sisters) actually commited child molestation on my daughter and a couple of other little girls. I never did discover what the real problem was...whether they thought he didn't do it, or whether they thought he might have but that I should have lied for him to the authorities.

The second time it involved another one of my sisters, who, along with HER husband, tried to set up a "threesome" between themselves and my daughter (who, by this time, was no longer a child).

That wasn't the only thing, either, that they did...or tried to do...


so anyway, I've more or less disowned both of those sisters. Which is too bad, really, because our family used to be somewhat close.


OTOH, my brother has a severe drinking problem, and may or may not survive another five years. I know I can't help him, but I'm not going to disown him, either. He's having a hard enough time as it is without family deserting him.

[Igel]

14. A friend disowned her daughter.

She was usually a bit of a problem. It was mother+father + daughter/single-mother + the daughter's son. In the course of year the son died in a car crash and the father died at home of pancreatic cancer.

The daughter became hooked on drugs and started stealing from her mother. She moved out and started hitting up all of her mother's friends from church and elsewhere for money, saying her mother wanted them to help her. The "outreach" went farther and farther afield, to an ever increasing number of friends. Meanwhile, the daughter became homeless and started hooking for money to feed her habit.

The mother cut all ties, got an injunction to keep her away from her and her sibling, and spread the word: If my daughter calls, just hang up.

It took a while but the daughter finally entered a rehab program, got into a shelter, and managed to get a job.

This isn't disowning proper, but Americans have largely lost the concept since lineage matters so little: Debts used to be heritable, titles, inheritance were all passed not by will but by law, and dishonoring could remove a black sheep from consideration under the law. Other things could be included, depending on the culture. For instance, a Hamas leader's son converted to Xianity and worked for the Israelis so the Hamasian disowned him. In this case, it means that his blood can be considered permitted without incurring the need for vengeance by the father or his clan, and nothing the son does can dishonor the father or his clan. In church terms, he was excommunicated or disfellowshipped. Since Islamic law also stipulates inheritance, the kid's no longer an heir. Etc.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

15. Is this person mentally incompetent?

Does someone need to go to court and have him/her declared NCM (non compos mentis) and assigned a guardian?