I'm starting a society dedicated to Biblical marriage

[jmowreader]

Last night I did a strange thing: I got out a Bible and read everything it has to say about marriage. And I've decided, the fundamentalists are right. I have decided they know exactly what they are talking about and we must follow the exact blueprint for marriage that's in the Bible.

And that means, of course, that raising your own harem is exactly what they want us to do.

The fundies LOVE King Solomon, and that fucking guy had seven HUNDRED wives and three hundred concubines. Now, I'll readily admit there aren't enough women to go around that all of us can have a thousand women, but certainly we can turn to Leviticus 18--Fred Phelps' favorite chapter. Among all the prohibitions against screwing in there are "don't screw your mom" and "don't screw your dad's wife." Surprise, kids: the reason they put it this way wasn't because of divorce, it's because Biblical Marriage means if you want the village to survive, you find the guy with the best-working dick in town and marry as many women as you possibly can to him, so he can father lots and lots of little Levites. (The reason we quit doing it this way is, it's not such a good idea to have every kid in town be related, which happens if two or three men fathered an entire generation of kids. It's not like we had Internet dating sites in Biblical times.)

So therefore, since the fundamentalists insist on "Biblical Marriage" and there were LOTS of guys in the Bible who were hooked up with seven or eight different wives, the only conclusion I can reach is the fundies want us all to have seven or eight different wives. Who are we to argue?

The only thing that's going to stand in our way is the Godless laws that prohibit us from marrying 32 women, but...well, you know, if the fundies can expect the rest of us to cover the property taxes on their churches, they can get their little Bible-beating asses on the phone, call their senators and get us some Godly marriage, dammit!

[msongs]

1. we have tons of stones around my area for the biblical stoning parties if u need some nt

[OwnedByFerrets]

2. Thanks, but I can barely afford the ONE I have now.

:P

[shraby]

3. Another observation about the Bible...you know how people

will say when they have a problem they will open the Bible to a random page and put their finger on a passage for divine guidance? Every darn time I have ever tried that, all I got was who begat whom. I call the Bible the "Book of Begats".

[HubertHeaver]

9. There's your answer!

God is telling you to go get ............

[shraby]

15. I begat enough..4 kids in 4 years.

Finally figured out what was causing it and put a stop to it. :rofl:

[laconicsax]

4. Good plan. Here's a video that should help with recruiting:

Betty Bowers Explains Traditional Marriage To Everyone Else.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hXQRKIW5Tw

[havocmom]

5. As Goldie Hawn said in The Dutchess and the Dirtwater Fox

One night on, six nights off.

:evilgrin:

[lib_wit_it]

6. Reminds me of the idea for an "Anti-Divorce" Amendment. Which is by definition the a destroyer of

"traditional" marriage--gay marriage or divorce?

That should be attached to any proposed anti-gay bills. I'd love to hear how divorce doesn't threaten marriage. Come on, RWer. Refuse to vote for the Anti-Divorce amendment? Why do you hate marriage and America?!!

[snot]

7. Fine, so long as I get 700 husbands.

Actually, 30 would probably do.

[Ikonoklast]

11. You must need a lot of painting done.

Either that, or you must like hearing the reasons from thirty husbands why they can't get the painting done.

[pipi_k]

20. And 30 guys all whining...

about not being able to find the mustard in the fridge.



I have enough trouble with one who doesn't yet understand the concept of "behind".

[AnArmyVeteran]

14. I'd take 30 wives if they did all the work like in the bible.

The bible is so sexist I don't understand how one woman would believe it was 'god's word'. Women are even equated to farm animals, menservants (slaves) and other property in the Ten Commandments.

[snot]

16. Now that you mention it, I'd take 30 wives, too.

[HillWilliam]

18. Hah.

Mine has two speeds. Barely moving and off.

He says the same about me.

Men are good with that.

We may not be allowed to call it marriage, but our house is peaceful, full of love, and after almost 15 years, I still get that snuggle, a kiss when I leave for work, a kiss when I get home, and a kiss before I slip off for bed. Hugs any time we pass. Supper on the table, though I never expect it. But I'm grateful for it.

One like this one is a blessing, a one in seven billion. Tempting as it might be, asking for more than this would be just too greedy.

[johnaries]

8. And don't forget, if a man dies his brother has to marry his widow.

Not "can", HAS to.

[LiberalEsto]

10. Has anyone asked women about this plan?

Because if someone asked me, I'd certainly whack someone up-side the head hard, with a heavy edition of the Bible.

[undeterred]

12. I would like to have 200 male concubines.

We can change a few things around, can't we?

[AnArmyVeteran]

13. Have you read the porn bible? It's a book that lists all of the fucking going on.

[HillWilliam]

17. Just head for Ezekiel 23

Dude got ALL hot and bothered. Reads like a slice of Penthouse.

Not that I ever did, of course. Y'know. Jessayin'. :rofl:

[AnArmyVeteran]

19. I understand. The sexual imagery from the Bible rivals porn. But of course I don't watch porn.

:rofl:
:rofl:

Begat is the same as screwing. Ezekiel was a horny guy.

I've read the Bible a lot more than the average Christian and I seem to know more about it than most. But i do like to poke fun now and then. I have the porn Bible and it reveals all of the sexual things going on. You wouldn't think an all-knowing god would have writers who were so obsessed with sex.