Helpful Hints From Your Pals, The Christians--"How To Spot A Chronic Masturbator"

[ChoppinBroccoli]

http://christwire.org/2010/05/how-to-spot-a-masturbator/

I would like to think that this is a joke, but let's just say I'm familiar with the Christians' work.

[Luciferous]

1. Ha, they actually use the term "masturbation invasion"

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

2. This is a satire site, but sometimes it's damn hard to tell.

And sometimes it's not hard at all: http://christwire.org/2010/05/cat-caught-doing-devil-ritual-more-proof-why-cats-is-evil/

:rofl:

[davidinalameda]

16. but cats are evil

mine try to kill me every chance they get

[mike r]

3. "The connection to workplace safety is evident"

Okay, listen up...

[Xipe Totec]

4. They cry a lot. For no particular reason

[donheld]

33. Wouldn't you just love to give him something to cry about?

[FiveGoodMen]

43. Oh GOD yes!

That fucker will never -- under any circumstances -- get one percent of what he's got coming.

[bluestateguy]

5. Hmmm...

A chronic masturbator? Maybe a man who is over 60 and has never had any problems with enlarged prostate or prostate cancer.

;)

[mzteris]

6. omg - this is has to be on of the most

f'd up things I've ever read.

Poor guy and his teeny weeny... probably not enough there to get ahold of, I reckon. What a weird weird vile little man he is.

[5X]

7. Hilarious! n/t

[Zoroastor]

8. I know where you could spot tons...

...about 87,000 of them were in front of the lincoln memorial just this past weekend.

[dflprincess]

11. No - they'd be happier people if they did

I'd say this was a crowd of badly repressed people who feel guilty when having sex with their spouse and do so only for procreative purposes.

[snagglepuss]

9. Effing hilarious. A telltale sign. An untucked tshirt for easy access.

[handmade34]

10. too funny

""Despite the warnings of doctors and religious scholars, masturbation still remains very popular in America""

Well, yah!!

[AnnieBW]

12. Blind and hairy palms

At least that's what I understand. :evilgrin:

[Anakin Skywalker]

26. Sounds Like You're Talking About Glenn "Buy Me a Drink" Beck and Bill O'Lielly

[Hekate]

13. Juvenile, at best.

[Gman]

14. Anybody can post anything on the Internet

and this is more proof. Here's another: Geocentrism, or the belief that the sun, moon and start revolve around the earth according to two short verses in the Bible.

Fundies are so weird. Sadly, they're allowed to vote and what's even worse, their vote counts equally to everyone else's vote. How fucked up is that?

[davidinalameda]

15. christwire is a satire site

you do realize that, right?

[rucky]

25. Read the comments section.

nobody else seems to realize it, either.

[Gman]

39. LOL!! LOL!! I had no idea!!

That just goes to show just how extreme fundies can seem to be. I actually thought it was credible. I think they're that nuts!

[davidinalameda]

44. it took me a few spins around the site to figure it out

some fundies are that nuts

[tularetom]

17. For a minute I was worried that my secret had gotten out

And I just need these glasses for reading thank you.

[Gold Metal Flake]

18. "How To Spot A Chronic Harassturbator"

[CoffeeCat]

19. Um....ok....

"One trick passed on to me is that you can press your nose to a young man’s mattress, inhale deeply and (irregardless of the smell) announce, “That smells like semen.” If the boy’s face turns red and he runs from the room, the evidence is clear."

Is this from The Onion?

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

22. No, but it is a satire site.

[janet118]

29. That smells like teen spirit.

At long last, have you no sense of humor??

[CoffeeCat]

40. Nawww...

My sense of humor was broke that day!

[uppityperson]

20. "press your nose to a young man’s mattress, inhale deeply and (irregardless of the smell) announce..

press your nose to a young man’s mattress, inhale deeply and (irregardless of the smell) announce, “That smells like semen.”

Too funny, thanks.

[Matariki]

35. red flags of masturbation invasion!

OMG that's so funny and sick and perverted. Ack!

[petronius]

21. Spotting a 'bator? It's not hard

Well, sometimes it is. But ultimately it's not...

:freak:

[TroglodyteScholar]

23. "It has a steamrolling effect, encouraging individuals to think more about sex...

...and less about their work at hand."

Care to rethink that wording?
:rofl:

[Kievan Rus]

24. That site is satire, but it's not that far off from the way a lot of fundies think

[Matariki]

36. "Angry God Flexes His Power, Blows Up Indonesian Volcano For Cheating American Businesses"

yep. that linked article is one of many give aways...

[Lydia Leftcoast]

27. Like all the best satire, it almost sounds like the real thing

:-)

However, in the nineteenth century, some people were dead serious in thinking that masturbaters had a specific "look."

[Crunchy Frog]

28. This guy must be the new Betty Bowers.

It's definitely satire, but not as obviously so as Betty is.

[Hugabear]

30. Never shake the hand of a masturbator!

When I was attending college, there used to be a street preacher who would come by every now and then, I believe he called himself Brother Rick. His sermons were always full of fire and brimstone, everyone was going to hell - especially Jews, Catholics, homosexuals, and masturbators. He would often yell "never shake the hand of a masturbator!" Invariably someone would usually walk up to him shortly after, congratulate him on spreading the gospel, shake his hand, and then proclaim that he had masturbated that morning. Good stuff, ah the memories!

Are these clowns still going around to college campuses?

[JoeyT]

31. It's easy to spot a chronic masturbator.

If someone is breathing, they are one.

[krispos42]

32. Asymmetrical muscle tone, perhaps?

[MattBaggins]

34. "Raw calloused hands"

Seriously doing something wrong then

[Rex]

37. Do Gay Pets Go To Heaven?

http://christwire.org/2010/04/do-gay-pets-go-to-heaven/

This has to be a joke! Calling the onion!

[BeHereNow]

38. Brilliant Satire! K&R!!!

Love the pictures...
BHN

[truebrit71]

41. Abnormally over-developed right arm muscles?

..unless they're left-handed of course..

[alfredo]

42. Rand Paull fits the profile.