The Onion, September 26, 2001

[pepperbear]

Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell

September 26, 2001 | ISSUE 37•34

JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS — The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell.

"I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11....

http://www.theonion.com/articles/hijackers-surprised-to-find-selves-in-hell,1445/

It was really hard to find something to smile about then. Leave it to the Onion to figure out a way.

[saltpoint]

1. The Islamic paradise appears to offer honeyed cakes,

where Rev. Jones down in Gainesville prohibits his followers from any cake.

Hmmm.

[hlthe2b]

2. I remember that so clearly... dark humor was welcome at that point

I also remember Jon Stewart's return to the air, as well as Dave Letterman's. Both very poignant.

[TheDebbieDee]

3. I remember well that edition of The Onion..........

They were the first organization to start doing comedy again. If I recall correctly, the main headline of that issue was, "It's Farking WAR!"

[vi5]

6. Actually if I remember correctly...

..it wasn't anything so blatant as referencing war. I think it was just an all caps headline that read:

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!"

That pretty much summed it up.

[eowyn_of_rohan]

23. oops- you already made the correction

[eowyn_of_rohan]

22. As I recall

It was "HOLY F*CKING SH*T!!!"

[sharp_stick]

4. Some of the lines in that article were just brilliant

I remember reading that in University and laughing, it was nice.

ie:

"Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting..."

[smokey nj]

5. Here's a link to the Onion remembers page. I especially like the TV listings at the bottom of the

page.

http://www.theonion.com/issue/3734/

[TheDebbieDee]

10. Then where the hell did I get, "It's Farking War!" from?

Oh well, I got the part about The Onion being the first to get it's funny back right, I'm sure.....

[greyl]

13. "This is Fargin War!" is from Johnny Dangerously. :) nt

[pepperbear]

11. isn't that cool?

[Jamastiene]

7. OMG, the TV listings at the bottom of the page.

http://www.theonion.com/issue/3734/

My favorites:
Medicating Dan Rather

Fuck it. Here's some zebra footage on Animal Planet

and
Lifetime
Golden Girls Golden Girls Golden Girls Golden Girls all the way across.

:rofl:

[smokey nj]

8. Sharks: Terrorists of the Sea

[pepperbear]

12. hilarious! n/t

[A HERETIC I AM]

9. "16,000 Diamondbacks fans killed on Complimentary Rattlesnake Night"

http://www.theonion.com/articles/16000-diamondbacks-fans-killed-on-complimentary-ra,18061/


They definitely have some funny people working at The Onion.

[proteus_lives]

14. I've said it before and I'll say it again. God bless the Onion.

[pepperbear]

16. +1

[Paladin]

18. Glad To Agree With You, For A Change. God Bless The Onion. (n/t)

[proteus_lives]

24. Shocking but I'm glad too.

[EFerrari]

15. It was a very strange time in comedy.

No one wanted to go on first. Clubs were dark for a while. The whole industry is about 12 socially so no one knew what to do.

[HopeHoops]

17. The lead story on the Onion that day was "Holy Fucking Shit!"

They had a RARE comment from the editorial staff explaining that they debated long and hard over how to handle the event while they were taking time off because humor just didn't seem appropriate just then. Finally, they decided that it was their duty to give it the "Onioning" (my word, not theirs) the event deserved because otherwise they would be guilty of the same fear and self-imposed censorship that so many news organizations fell into. Fox of course isn't included there because they are neither a news organization or self-censoring - they make shit up just like the Onion does, only the shit Fox makes up is evil.

[JNelson6563]

19. lol "That can't be fun"

"I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun."

:rofl:

[Mimosa]

20. I remember that one. It was funny as ... Hell! n/t

[eowyn_of_rohan]

21. Best Onion Issue EVAH...

I will never forget picking up that issue, reading the headline and actually cracking up. Yes, leave it to the Onion - though the writing was MUCH better back then.

(I am glad I saved this issue)

[slackmaster]

25. Their mission was a dumb one, that failed in many ways

The US still has permanent military bases in Saudi Arabia.

The US still supports Israel unwaveringly.

The Palestinians still have no country.

Tens of thousands of civilians killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.

US can drop bombs on Pakistan with almost complete impunity.

Muslims feared and distrusted in much of the world.

Osama Bin Laden is the most hated person on Earth and doesn't dare leave his cave in Bumfuckistan.

[intheflow]

26. I was in seminary and remember this article from that same edition:

God Angrily Clarifies Don't Kill Rule