8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live

[Hannah Bell]

NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.

With audible murmurs of "This is no way to live," "What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here," and "Fuck this place. Fuck this horrible place," all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness.

"I always had this perverted sense of pride because I was managing to scrape by here," said Brooklyn resident Andrew McQuade, who, after watching two subway rats gnawing on a third bloody rat carcass, finally determined that New York City was a giant sprawling cancer. "Well, fuck that. I don't need to pay $2,000 a month to share a doghouse-sized apartment with some random Craigslist dipshit to prove my worth. I want to live like a goddamn human being."

By Tuesday night, New York was completely abandoned. At press time, however, some 10 million Los Angeles–area residents, tired of their self-centered, laid-back culture and lack of four distinct seasons, and yearning for the hustle and bustle of East Coast life, had already begun repopulating the city.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/84-million-new-yorkers-suddenly-realize-new-york-c,18003/

[krispos42]

1. Oh, the Onion is doing straight news now? n/t

[Kalyke]

2. I realize this is humor, but, really, what is up with the rent there?

I pay far less than $2,000 in rent - fuck, I pay mortgage - for a three-bedroom, with room to grow, 2,200 sq. ft. home with nearly an acre of land in East Tennessee. Yeah... I gotta deal with teabaggers, but I live in the city, where they're shunned (yes, teabaggers are shunned in Southern urban areas, too).

I realize the cost of living is higher in NYC, but, seriously... the housing is far, far, far, the cost it should be.

[BF825]

3. Man, when I lived in NYC I paid $242 a month

Back in the day. It was great before the entire island of Manhattan was taken over by hedge fund managers and NYU students.