Love is hard

[Nuclear Unicorn]

Stupid day light savings time has me up already.

I am married to the most wonderful man I've ever known beside my dad. I know he loves me and wants me to be happy more than he thinks about what makes him happy. He loves me and appreciates me as a person. Case in point: he works a physically grueling job that is fairly dangerous but he makes great money and says if I want to quit my job and go back to school I can. He thinks I should because he says I have too much potential to spend my days as an admin assistant. Of course he has tons of potential himself be he would never except the opposite arrangement of me supporting him through school, bless his little sexist heart.

But beyond the support and the mind-shattering sex comes the realization that sometimes you get more than you bargained for.

As some of you know he is a vet. He hated every minute he was over there but he is fiercely proud of his service. When we were first seeing each other he was still in the army and I spent lots of time with him and his friends. I love them all dearly.

But it hurts him to this day.

We were coming home last night. We live in a rural part of town. Apparently from the time we had left in the morning until we were coming home someone had dumped an old refrigerator on the side of the road. As soon as he saw it, about half a city block away, he stomped on the brakes and just sat there. I hadn't even seen the refrigerator yet. It seems that more than a year after leaving the army he never stomped scanning everything as a threat.

I asked him what was wrong. He said there was something on the side of the road. He wasn't using army lingo like he sometimes does but I could see he was suddenly very stressed out. I've seen it before and it's gut-wrenching to watch. So I wanted to go see what was on the side of the road.

No sooner had I opened the door of our truck than he yelled for me to stay in the "humvee".

"Oh baby," was all I could say and he just deflated. He knew what he had said and why he had said it but he knew where he was and I could tell he was embarrassed and ashamed.

I just held him and cried. We stayed there for the longest time and when we did leave we backed up and went home by a different route. He just couldn't bring himself to drive past that refrigerator.

He had a problem sometime ago involving a bridge and had been going to counseling with some friends. He had nightmares and everything but lately things seemed to have subsided. Last night was bad. He tossed and turned all night and would bark out something in that strange army code they always use.

I thought things were getting better but now I have to be scared by things that might seem innocuous to the rest of us.

But that makes me feel...angry...defiant.

I'm not giving him up and I'm not giving up on him. I love him. I never bargained for any of this. This wasn't part of the deal. But I care more for him than this ugliness inside his head can do to push us apart.

People as tender and caring as he is shouldn't have to hurt like this. Before we went to bed he agreed to start going back to counseling. In fact, we're both going to go. I can't relate. I can't even begin to imagine but I am now a part of this.

He's mine and we deserve our life together.

[babylonsister]

1. Wow.

You sound like a good, loving woman. I'm glad you're supporting him wholeheartedly; by your description, he deserves nothing less. I wish you both luck and hope your mutual love will help make the demons go away. :hug:

[Bluzmann57]

2. I have a friend who is a Vietnam vet

And he still has trouble with fireworks to this day.
My dad is a Korea war vet. He says he doesn't remeber much because he drank whiskey all the time.
Let's hope that your husband, my friend, and all other combat vets can get the help they need and overcome their demons. They have undoubtedly seen more bad stuff than anyone should ever have to. I suspect that your love for your husband will help him through tough times. Good luck to both of you. Peace.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. My dear Nuclear Unicorn...

What a wonderful, heart-rending story...

You are doing exactly the right thing, going back to counseling with him. It will make you closer to each other and make your love stronger.

Love will find a way. It will.

:hug:

[Warpy]

4. Someday those reflexes that are inappropriate now might save your life

Being hyper alert to changes in your environment isn't always a bad thing.

The only people who go through war and remain unaffected are the psychopaths. You got a decent guy, so yes, you're going to have to be very patient sometimes while he works on slaying his demons.

This is why war should be the absolute last resort, engaged in only when an enemy is on our shores and shooting at us. War destroys everyone, fighters and civilians alike, as you are seeing with your guy.

The only thing I can suggest that I've seen help considerably are groups at the VA where vets who share a history get together and talk those war demons to death. They die very slowly, though, and I have a Vietnam vet friend who has to leave the room, often in tears, whenever there's a promo for a war movie on TV. He's had a great life and raised some great kids, so it can and will be done.

[seabeyond]

5. you did sign up for it. most of us has something that has effected us strongly that changes who we

are. stays with us always. that our mate has to deal with, along with us. this war changed a piece of who he is. it is part of the package. i dont have personal experience with anyone who has been in battle. i know though, especially with this long war, that military is getting much better at understanding this repercussion. i wish the best for you all.

the best to you two.

[Dappleganger]

6. He is so lucky to have you!

Thank you for choosing to walk in the shadows with a vet.

:hug:

[laughingliberal]

7. Sounds familiar. Married to Viet Nam vet.

Hang in there. Sounds like a great guy!

[seabeyond]

8. how has he done long term? nt

[laughingliberal]

9. Does OK until big stresses hit.

The problems we've had as the result of this economy have produced some of the old symptoms again.

Likewise, the recent death of a friend's son in Afghanistan seemed to bring it all back.

[w8liftinglady]

10. My big baby left for Afghanistan friday.

he hasn't quite dealt with all his demons,yet.he is afraid to get close to anyone,anything...and has the feeling no one truly understands...especially when he started going back to school.he only recently felt comfortable enough to even discuss an iota of what he saw/did.3 times in iraq as a "volunteer"-should have been a mechanic-instead was infantry while the contractors were the mechanics...now to Afghanistan as a contractor/mechanic.."It's MY turn,now"...because he feels the world doesn't understand.


You are an exceptional woman....and a great life partner.
thank you for sharing...and for being you.
Peace.
Beth

[peace13]

11. k&r

[Dystopian]

12. Yes....

You do deserve much happiness....and a loving life together.
Much peace & love to you both...



peace~