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In what the White House described as “the first of many bipartisan initiatives we expect to conduct in cooperation with the special interests who scored such a historic victory in last week’s election,” President Obama, speaking at a New Delhi-based US constituent services hotline office today announced plans to outsource the jobs of all 535 House and Senate members as well as those of their staffs and support organizations to India. The President, describing the plan as “a common sense measure that will dramatically both cut the cost and increase the efficiency of our legislative branch of government” said he hopes to have the full plan implemented in time for the beginning of the next Congressional session. The President also praised the initiative as “a shining example of what we can accomplish when the interests of our most powerful special interest groups and those of the American people are not at cross-purposes”.
The US Chamber of Commerce, the oil and gas lobby, the insurance and pharmaceutical lobbies, and representatives of the financial industry were all quick to rally behind the President. Dick Waad, speaking on behalf of many of the nation’s top lobbyists, told reporters, “I firmly believe that one day — probably one day soon — President Barack Obama’s picture will appear on money. If it were up to me, it would be on the one dollar bill — that would be symbolic. And what makes the symbolism so perfect is that starting with the 112th Congress; a dollar should be about all it will cost to buy a vote on key legislation.”
At his afternoon briefing, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters that the plan came together in just the last few days. “The President saw a photo from a post election celebration which showed future Speaker John Boehner sitting on a beaded seat cushion and the whole India move just came to him like a flash. Representatives of the Administration immediately contacted Mr. Boehner’s handlers, and before you could say ‘tax incentive’, the two sides had a deal.”
The nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office estimated the savings to taxpayers, just in terms of operational savings, to be approximately $5 billion per year. That figure, of course, does not include payments to Congress from the private sector. And according to CBO analyst Meegan Toomey, who spoke on condition of anonymity, “if all they manage to produce collectively is 100,000 designer shirts per year; that would still mean a net gain in their value to the American people of 100,000 designer shirts per year.”
Of course, as with any radical change, not everyone is happy about the proposed move. A massive protest rally expected to draw hundreds of thousands is scheduled for this coming weekend in Calcutta, India — the proposed new home for America’s bicameral legislature. Protesters claim that having their citizens perform the work of the United States Congress will tarnish their city’s reputation and diminish its standing in the eyes of the rest of the world.
In other news — Describing the agency as being at, “a total loss as far as an explanation is concerned,” a spokesman for the Secret Service today confirmed that its Director has ordered a full and comprehensive internal review in the hopes of determining exactly how on Tuesday evening absolutely no uninvited guests gained entrance to the Indian Prime Minister’s State Dinner honoring President Obama.
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