Things Not To Say To A TSA Screener During A Pat Down Search

[Kennah]

1) You using the whole hand?
2) Oooh, call me.
3) You make a lousy pickpocket, but you'll never go hungry.
4) Wait, I don't think you're done. Better go back over everything.
5) Don't you just hate the crabs?
6) Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?
7) Heh, don't I know you. Weren't you an extra in "Pecker"?

[seabeyond]

1. i climax really easily, it can get messy.... nt

[de novo]

6. !

:spray: :yourock:

[tomm2thumbs]

49. heheh -

then pull out a coupon for 'FREE Happy Ending with every Body Search'

slowly, of course

[MedicalAdmin]

55. Said loudly

No I won't meet you in the bathroom and NO I do NOT want a blowjob. (yelled) I WANT A SUPERVISOR.

[marmar]

2. "Is that your electronic wand or are you just glad to see me?"

nt

[muntrv]

3. "Yes that is a slide ruler."

[dixiegrrrrl]

4. Is that a flashlight in your pocket or are you just glad I was in line?

" Ya know, right now I am picturing you on a milk carton"
" Hiiiiiiii...I have ...Mono" (big exhale)

[Lasher]

5. "Ha ha, missed it!"

[Renew Deal]

18. lol

:rofl:

[ProgressiveProfessor]

7. I am hearing much more suggestive phrases

Have to wonder how long before some TSA screener takes personal offense and assaults some one. Will suggestive words be considered adequate provocation? Can they be arrested for assault under the circumstances? You know it coming.

[NoPasaran]

8. "Do you like gladiator movies?"

[coti]

16. LOL that's what I thought after reading #6 nt

[yurbud]

44. that's actually on Peter Graves tombstone

[ncrainbowgrrl]

9. I never realized,,,

... that I was attracted to your gender before. Thank you.

[Kennah]

10. Excuse me while I whip this out

[Tyrs WolfDaemon]

45. You need to tell him to also take a step back. eom

[notesdev]

11. "Can't I at least get a pat-around?"

"Five dolla! Me love you loooong time! Five dolla!"

[whoneedstickets]

12. Does this search have a happy ending?

;)

[MineralMan]

13. Or, you could just distract yourself by singing a show tune.

I'm thinking I'll sing "Hello, Dolly." That should give them pause. :rofl:

[Kennah]

14. Comedy Tonight!

Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for everyone,
A comedy tonight!

[MineralMan]

15. Or, maybe, "I Feel Pretty," from West Side Story.

But, now that I think about it, I think I'll sing "Feelings" for my trip at Christmas. That one'll make even the most hardened (no pun intended) TSA agent cry.

"Wo-wo-wo Feelings," indeed. :rofl:

I think my current repertoire should last me for all the flights I'll take for the rest of my life.

And that's without even bringing in the Ethel Merman songs.

[auntsue]

42. Etta James

Aaaaaaaaaaat Laaaaaaaast !!!!!!!

[Subdivisions]

29. LOL! n/t

[Renew Deal]

17. I like the crabs, lice, bedbug route

:D

[Poll_Blind]

19. "Oh, hey- watch it! You're about two inches past El Al!"

There are maybe 6 people on DU who get this joke. 3 of them I don't like, but such is comedy.

PB

[Hawkeye-X]

22. I'm one of them, I think.

But I get the joke. :)

Plus you have to know what "El Al" means.

Hawkeye-X

[Poll_Blind]

25. LOL, I can't remember if I like you or not, so 3+3+1 (undecided)

And, of course, such is DU! :)

PB

[pnorman]

20. :"Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against homosexuals,

but please cop a feel from someone else!"

[ellisonz]

21. Sorry about the fudge!

[Tyrs WolfDaemon]

46. I don't remember eating corn!

[FirstLight]

23. "oh my god, this reminds me of ..."

my last night in marakesh

my wedding night ;)

my ex husband, he worked for the prison

that movie...YOU know, hehehe.. ;)

my date with your sister - Doh!

...add more...

[baldguy]

24. "You're not even going to buy me dinner, are you?"

[beyurslf]

26. "Oh a little more to the righ---oh yes there!"

[rug]

27. Sorry, the doctor said I could fly with diarrhea.

[alfredo]

28. Does this mean we're going steady?

[Subdivisions]

30. Hey! No third base until at least our third date!

[8 track mind]

31. "Dude, whats wrong with you? You not getting any action at home" n/t

[Generic Other]

32. Oops, sorry. I pass gas when I am nervous

Does the stink bomb smell as bad down there as it does up here?

[cags]

33. Fart and Pee yourself at the appropriate moment... at least they will have to change gloves...lol

[somone]

34. "Hey, I want a blow job - not a hand job!"

[Tyrs WolfDaemon]

47. Dude, is that all I get for $5?

[kenny blankenship]

35. Oh THAT pocket is where I keep my needles for shooting junk. Sorry, I shoulda told you first.

Get yourself tested.

[Xithras]

36. "Oh, I love this part. Are you gay too?"

Read that on another board a few days ago, and the implications are hilarious.

And, of course, as a bi man, I wouldn't be put off if he said yes :evilgrin:

[Better Believe It]

37. A little more to the left

[bluedigger]

38. I'll let you know when we're finished here!

[Manifestor_of_Light]

39. Will you respect me in the morning?

:rofl:

[krispos42]

40. How much for the "pat down with release?"

And I can't believe nobody posted this yet...

[stevenleser]

41. How about one I have actually used?

Happened a few years ago. As many of you know, I have a fairly swarthy complection.

I was going through a midwest airport and some young lady from TSA asked me to take off my shoes, I complied.

She asked me to take off my belt... I complied.

Then she asked me to unbutton my pants and unzip the zipper on my pants (I am not kidding) at which point I said:

"Don't you think we should be introduced first?"

The lady turned redder than a Macintosh apple. I complied, winked and was on my way.

[Tyrs WolfDaemon]

48. My father...

had a secretary that was going on a trip and the girl using the x-ray saw something odd in her bag. She opened it up and dug around before pulling out the large vibrator. Security girl must have been a prude or something because she held it up in the air and asked, "What the hell is this thing?"

[liberalhistorian]

53. If that secretary had been me, I think I probably would

have had WAY too much fun with that one! So much fun, that I probably would have ended up in jail, given the obviously humorless TSA agent, but whatever. Mighta been worth it.

[Tyrs WolfDaemon]

54. No worries, My dad was a Defense Atty.

He would have had you out real fast. Back then all the local Judges knew him and liked him, (He played by the rules and didn't make their lives difficult). Besides, he thought it was f'ing hilarious.

[political_Dem]

43. Ooooooh That feels good. Can you do that a little harder?

:rofl: :sarcasm:

In real life, if I heard that while in the security check, I'd be pretty freaked out.

[Heywood J]

50. "There's something I think you need to know. You need to get tested."

[Buns_of_Fire]

51. "I think I love you."

[Kennah]

52. It ain't too goddamned beaucoup