Minister to couples: Thou shalt not Facebook

[babylonsister]

Minister to couples: Thou shalt not Facebook
Rev. Cedric Miller says the social network is causing marital troubles, orders church officials to log off
By WAYNE PARRY, Associated Press

*

Thou shalt not commit adultery. And thou also shalt not use Facebook.

That's the edict from a New Jersey pastor who feels the two often go together.

The Rev. Cedric Miller said 20 couples among the 1,100 members of his Living Word Christian Fellowship Church have run into marital trouble over the last six months after a spouse connected with an ex-flame over Facebook.

Because of the problems, he is ordering about 50 married church officials to delete their accounts with the social networking site or resign from their leadership positions. He had previously asked married congregants to share their login information with their spouses and now plans to suggest that they give up Facebook altogether.

"I've been in extended counseling with couples with marital problems because of Facebook for the last year and a half," he said. "What happens is someone from yesterday surfaces, it leads to conversations and there have been physical meet-ups. The temptation is just too great."

more...

http://www.salon.com/technology/facebook/index.html?story=/news/feature/2010/11/17/us_pastor_facebook_edict

[HughBeaumont]

1. Comes in a cross, wrapped in a flag.

Churchtatorships. That's what was missing . . .

[get the red out]

2. You know those Christianistas

Can't keep their virtual pants on.

[Sedona]

3. I'm just saying'

my husband of almost 28 years and I are both atheists and the pastor is right.

My divorce was final on Monday.

He ended up cheating with a number of women from his old junior (!) high school.

Up until about a year ago (when the Facebooking started) he was the epitome of an almost perfect husband and father (nobody's perfect)

Beware of mid life crisis and Facebook. It destroyed my family.

[GreenPartyVoter]

5. I'm so sorry to hear that. :^(

[tibbiit]

9. Mine too we would be married 30 years this Feb.

Within 10 minutes on facebook he had about 12 old "friends" find him.
Facebook is the devil and I dont even believe in the devil.
By the time I knew what was up (as we have always been somewhat independant) it was too late.
These are desperate housewives of SOuth Carolina, all "good christian" (of course) women and married.
It is very hard to compete with jr high fantasy when you have seen each other at their worst (meaning thin/fat/lazy/... just regular life)
Prior to facebook we had angry words with each other about 10 times in 30 years. Amazingly enough I was proud of our marriage and the great time we have had with each other.
tib

[lapislzi]

12. I am sorry for your troubles, Sedona, BUT

It's a two-edged sword, for one thing. I am about to be married, next week, to my high-school sweetheart who searched for me for 30 years before finally catching up with me on FB. Both of us were marooned in moribund relationships at the time, although we didn't realize it until people had been hurt. I'm not proud of that, but in hindsight, it was the right thing. Would we still be in those dead-end relationships if we hadn't discovered each other on Facebook? I can't answer that, but I know that my life would be different, and not necessarily in a good way. I was drinking too much, and putting on a lot of weight? Why? I was unhappy and didn't even realize it. Fiance was planning his own suicide. He even had a date picked out. I wasn't out cruising for a new relationship, and neither was he, but that's what happened.

What I'm saying is, that if your relationship is healthy and meeting your needs, you don't need to look elsewhere. Facebook isn't the cause, it's the symptom. Please don't interpret that as any criticism about you personally. Your husband had needs, desires, whatever...that he chose to act on in an inappropriate way, rather than bringing them to you, his wife. For whatever reason. It's about him, not you. But if it wasn't Facebook, it would have been something else.

Facebook can be a blessing or a curse, or both at the same time.

I wish you well. (PS--fiance and I are both atheists too, and were married to believers.)

[seabeyond]

20. everything you were willing ot do beind hubby back, everything he was willing to do behind

wife back....

expect the same.

i am always amazed with women that screw around with married man then are SHOCKED when it happens to them.

with that

i hope you two found what you need to be better in life

i dont trust it though

[dawg]

24. When I found out what my wife had done behind my back ...

I just didn't understand. I've never thought of myself as being anything special, but I did think I was special to *her*. The most devastating thing I've ever had to feel or endure. Even now, my eyes tear up just thinking about it.

Were it not for my boys, and the thought that they might need me, I would much rather have just dropped dead the day before I found out. Every day since then, pain has outweighed happiness. There is some happiness now - now that I have some distance - but still so much pain.

I have a married female friend who I sometimes talk with about my feelings. I told her that I could understand someone falling in love and then cheating with that person - but I'm pretty sure that was *so* not the case. She told me that the couple who had frustrating marriages, fell in love with each other, and then cheated - they were just as wrong as someone who cheated just for kicks or *variety*. Wrong was wrong. It made no difference.

This particular friend is right about everything. (And I don't mean that sarcastically)

[seabeyond]

25. human behavior is just that. each individual makes their choices....

it is about them, not me (or you). you could be perfect, and still, if the person wants new, fun, excitement, they will find the reason to justify that behavior. it is their weak, their lack of character.

internet normalizes it all. desensitizes us. has "ok'ed" the behavior.

i have read too many people that wished they had never done. lost mate, lost family and want nothing more than to have it all back.

i think that is so sad.

[GreenPartyVoter]

4. It isn't just Facebook. Any chat or message-sending function will do the job.

[WolverineDG]

6. A bit overdramatic but it is a valid concern

I've had clients who got divorced because one or the other partner was cheating with another person they met online. Back in the day when you had to pay for the number of hours you used, there were lots of fights over who got to pay that bill too.

dg

[HEyHEY]

7. Hmmm.... reminds me of COMMIES!

[MorningGlow]

8. Facebook is just a tool...like the Rev. Miller

Don't blame the hammer when you smash your thumb, and don't blame Facebook when your spouse cheats--the inclination has to be there beforehand. I am married and I use FB, and I have absolutely NO desire to look up guys I knew "way back when". I even hesitated accepting a friend request from an old female friend because she had an ex-boyfriend of mine in her friend list, and I didn't really want him to see what I was up to.

FB does assist those who are inclined to cheat, but it doesn't take that person by the hand and drag them forcibly into an adulterous relationship.

[CoffeeCat]

10. I agree that Facebook can be problematic...

I am happily married to my dream man. Every day, I literally sigh--because I'm so
in love with him. He's the most decent, caring, intelligent man and the perfect
man for me--plus he's a Democrat! A definite bonus. We've been married 11 years.

Given all of that, I have an ex-college boyfriend who I had a great three-year
relationship. That was two decades ago. I will always love him. It ended because
we were young and stupid. He tried to contact me through another online venue. I
didn't respond. He's on Facebook. I see him, and no doubt he knows I'm there. We
just leave it alone and no one has contacted the other.

I can see where people would find this tempting.

The whole FB thing is kind of surreal. It's natural to leave behind people from
grade school, co-workers from past jobs, old neighbors, etc. Facebook doesn't
allow you to leave any part of your life behind! Plus, it's pretty hilarious
when you post something--and you've got your old boss, a grade-school pal, your
current neighbors and your best friend all chatting about your post. It's bizarre!!

But it's fun.

I certainly don't think this guy should mandate that anyone give up FB though.
Alcohol can lead to very dire consequences, but you can't mandate that no one
drink because some people drink and drive and kill people. Really, it's none
of his business.

[Sedona]

11. I had all that too Coffee Cat

all of it and more, three beautiful daughters and a 32 years of monogamy and 27+ of marriage.

Ups, downs, sickness, health, death & birth, even Hurricane Andrew and

eight years of Republican rule in a red state, we went through it all and came out the other side with a good solid marriage intact.


One minute we were planning our dream retirement and the next, poof, he was gone.

Something happens to a man when he turns 50. I'm not saying it was all the Facebook crap, but it provided a temptation

of fantasy women I couldn't compete with. Clearly he has turned into someone I don't know. And I do say, I have no desire to know.

He's gone, I have the house, all its contents and the one kid left at home plus $1600 a month in spousal and child support and a somewhat good job.

Now I have a blast from my past who did things right. Stunned by my sudden singleness, he's told me he's had a thing for me for years, but as a GOOD man should kept it to himself for almost two decades, because he respected me and my marriage. Go figure! Now I'm the fantasy woman! He's making every effort to make me fall in love with him. Its quite enjoyable!

If this happens to you I suggest a good lawyer. Mine had it all tidied up in six months from the day he walked out the door.

Do it quick ladies, like taking off a band aid, because its not going to get better until you do.

[lapislzi]

14. I wrote my reply before I read the end of your story

Good for you!

Sometimes men turn into cads. I could tell you a story about a girlfriend (in her 60s, in the fifth decade of their marriage) no less!) whose husband absconded to the Philippines with a 20-yr-old. There was no clue that this man (whom I knew well!) was going to turn into some crazed sex fiend in his seventh decade.

Sometimes not. Fiance and I struggled long and hard with our mutual attraction. Far from love at first sight, we tried to put our then-partners first. It didn't work. As I said above, I'm not especially proud of myself during that time, but now I'm with the love of my life.

I wish you happy endings.

[madmom]

13. I am sorry for all those who have had marital problems, but if a spouse is inclined to

cheat, they WILL find a way be it face book or something else. It's really stupid to think this is the fault of a social message board.It's like blaming the donut for being obese, or blaming a president for not getting anything done when the opposing party keeps saying NO!

[Lex]

15. How is the marriage all that solid to begin with

if the possibility of meeting an old flame (or even a new flame?) will destroy the marriage? :shrug:

People meet others at work and cheat with them. Maybe the pastor will advise sitting at home all day and avoiding temptation altogether?

[EnviroBat]

16. If you want to control the "temptation", there is always the block feature.

My ex and I had quite a running history on Facebook, and in fact after the break-up, it was as if our personal lives had suddenly been plastered all over the damn thing. All of the accusations and harsh words were appearing in threads for the world to see. We simply blocked each other completely. I never see her posts. If I do a search for her, she doesn't appear, and neither do I. There is no messaging between us, and we don't appear in threads created through "mutual friends". Facebook in my opinion is just like anything that can become an addiction, or an obsession. But at least there are tools and privacy settings available to cut the people out of your life that don't need to be there anymore. Although I try to limit my time on there now because I think it's causing a form of "social retardation", I still like to post humorous quips for my limited group of friends to see.

[ljm2002]

17. Well he's right...

...because we all know that people never run into their old flames at the grocery store, nor do any of those old flames know how to use that new-fangled thing called the telephone. Why, before Facebook (like about what, 5 or 6 years ago?), people hardly ever had affairs at all! Yes sir, that Facebook is a den of iniquity I tells ya.

[durkermaker]

18. facebook exposes a family to serious privacy risks

managing family privacy is a serious issue for a newly married couple

single or married, facebook is not a good idea, in my opinion

i had a brief stint in junk mail software years ago, from what i learned, there's no way in hell i'd go facebook - i would make a 95 percent plus educated guess, that information companies 'crawl' every public (and perhaps 'private') facebooks regulary. Even if you delete something, if your page got 'crawled' before you delete it, the pictures, information etc you deleted still lives in a junk mail company database somewhere, forever, to be sold to anyone and everyone

nearly everything you possibly make public (and sometimes what you thought was private) with your name, gets collected somewhere, and sold to anyone for any reason

ever get an overly familiar junk mail letter? how would you like to get one with one of your family pictures in it, from some life insurance company you've never heard of?

I also detect a hint of 'minister said something, it must be baaaaaad', (in some of the reactions, not necessarely the OP)reacting to WHO said something rather than WHAT he said - see too much of that on DU - open your minds, people. One of the biggest things i learned in life is not to be too prejudiced about who your friends and enemies really are - you will be surprised from time to time, both ways

[AndrewP]

19. It's a tool for good and bad. It can add to the temptation just because...

...it's easier to meet people from your past. But you still would have to be inclined to do it in the first place if you did end up cheating.

I keep my time on their to post jokes and say hi to some former co-workers. But I can see where it's an addiction for many.

[dawg]

21. Facebook is like drinking alcohol ...

Most people can do it without any problems at all. It's fun to connect and re-connect with people, and most married folks who value their partners know what lines they should not cross.

But just like some can drink casually, while others turn into raging alcoholics; there are some people who cannot handle the easy access to members of the opposite sex on Facebook, or the internet in general. These people will cross lines and ruin their marriages, and possibly even ruin their lives. Some were in unhappy marriages to begin with. But others were with a partner they truly loved - one that even they would judge as being more interesting and sexually exciting that the one they eventually cheated with. It is a compulsion, and it is a real danger to *some* families.

It makes no sense for a church to *ban* people from using facebook. But certain couples really should consider it. And even if you are one of those who think you would never cheat - get off of the damn internet at the FIRST SIGN that you might be crossing a line. If you value your partner and you life with him/her at all.

There, I've spoken my peace.

[seabeyond]

22. +1.

hubby and i dont even mess with it. too many other things are priorities. it works for us.

[lumberjack_jeff]

23. +1 n/t