Preparing our Youth for Adulthood...

[FirstLight]

Having teen parenting issues again...

and I am thinking it isn't just MY kid that is acting out in this way. I mean really, with unemployment for the 18-20 group at nearly double the national avg, it's no wonder he doesn't have a job...but it still wouldn't hurt to LOOK now, would it? I have given him apps from places and he just hides them on his desk or conveniently 'forgets' them on the floor of my car.

Graduated this June, but still visits the high school and goes to the ROTC events with his (still in high school) girlfriend. I have even had his best friend, also 18, tell me he still goes to the high school on fridays to visit, because he 'never wants to leave'...

the extended adolescent phoenomenoa...how to address it?
I think these kids have an underdeveloped sense of work-ethic... or they think the world is so screwn, why bother?

He still lives at home, and did manage to register for a few classes at the community college, but he still thinks somehow he is going to be a rockstar or a ninja when he grows up, and spends WAY too much of his home time in his room playing WoW ...he occasionally does the dishes, and may even vacuum once a week when asked ...but i have been taking on more of his 'chores' because i am telling myself he will be out of the house soon so i need to get used to it. I ask him for a nominal amt of rent, he still has money left over from his summer job, so until that runs out, we shall see...

I have been unemployed for over 2 years, and seriously looking for ANYTHING for months now. I may have my days of depression and giving up, but i always end up knuckling under and trying to find the next angle. I have resuced my children from my abusive ex husband, and fought like crazy to just give us a 'normal' home life...meaning LOTS of therapy...but my teen would never do it.
His MO is to fly under the radar and do the least bit necessary to get by...
the only emotion he shows to his younger siblings is anger and disgust, they think their brother hates them.and i wonder if he feels the same way about me too sometimes...

I am tried of being a referee/doormat/drill sgt., but the state of the world being what it is, i can't put him out on the street.

[FirstLight]

1. kickety

...dropped like a rock...

[FirstLight]

2. ouch

not a sexy enough headline

[Fumesucker]

3. Raising kids is tough even in good times..

If you've been out of work for two years (I have not worked in even longer) then what are your son's realistic chances of getting a job with no experience at all in the same economy?

I'm pretty sure your son knows most of his generation is screwed, I have grandkids that I'm terrified for, their parents are in the middle of a divorce and their father ended up losing his very good paying job.

We are in for an extremely rough ride I think, I hope it works out for you and your family.

:hi:

:hug:

[FirstLight]

5. i know, i know

then again, the pizza place is more likely to hire HIM than ME...so it's kinda a toss-up

and i hate that whenever he creates conflict in the house i just wish he would move out and get a life...i am sick of the World of Warcraft playing till 2 am and such ...

it also sucks that he was in ROTC for years and the military is the only option for lots of his friends. Mine is the kid who didn't have the desire to even register to vote, and yet his best friend is going to Afganistan in a month...like he's got no grip on reality. or maybe the reality is so awful he'd rather stay in his virtual world forever...

[Fumesucker]

6. I escaped into fantasy at about that age..

This was well before computers and video games so it was books but I had my nose in one almost constantly.. Everything from Agatha Christie to O'Henry to Kipling's Stalky and Company..

If there had been WoW then I'd probably have been playing that just as obsessively.

Our reality was pretty awful back then too, Vietnam, Watts, the 68 Dem Convention, Mutual Assured Destruction and so on.. And we saw the blood and guts right on the TV screen every night on the news..

[WillyT]

4. Try This...

Link: http://www.myspace.com/video/i12babeatle/concert-for-george-all-things-must-pass-paul-mccartney/32013942

Peace...

:hi:

[Sienna86]

7. I hear you

My son is a few years younger, and although he is very intelligent, getting him to work hard at school or apply for a part-time job is exhuasting me. We were talking about this at work the other day. We were all self-starters. We somehow knew education was our ticket to a better life. I had my first job at 14. I wanted to move to college and be on my own. Is it something I am doing? Is this a generational thing?

[Why Syzygy]

8. Change your thinking ...

This worked in my living situation. Stop telling yourself (and others) what a rotten loser he is. When you catch yourself starting that conversation, allow a few seconds to affirm, yep; he's still unmotivated. Then MOVE ON in your mind. You don't have to think good thoughts about him. In time you might do that. Just stop thinking about how awful he is.

My advice from my successful experience - YMMV. And STOP giving him job applications.

[FirstLight]

9. i am thinking that giving a deadline of some sort may be motivating

seemed like that was the only thing that got him through high school, concrete deadlines

perhaps a contract of some sort, a family contract of how we should ALL relate to one another under the same roof, respect for others belongings, etc (use it to be a lesson to the little ones too)

but an additional piece of paper to give him an outline of what goals i think he should meet and when...

or else he can go live with his grandparents .... D'oh!

[Withywindle]

10. But how does a deadline help?

Yes, you can make him look up apartment listings and job listings on Craigslist. And if he's intelligent, he'll see the difference between wages offered and what rent costs, and he'll realize it's highly unlikely he can afford an apartment, gas, electricity, AND food while working a high school graduate's job.

He can take one of the jobs available, but it'll probably be a minimum wage job. This will help him contribute to the household finances, a little. Only a little.

The days when an 18-year-old right out of high school could get a job that would enable him or her to get a small apartment and live independently, in most places, are at least 25 years gone. He knows this very well, which is why depression is kicking in.

[FirstLight]

12. he wouldn;t be living alone

he's been looking at apts with his buddies since summer ...when he had a really good job. He had the chance to extend the job and take it as an Americorps position, but flaked on applying, then decided to take a 'couple months off' which is part of the issue as well.

we do this dance where he is either gone most of the time, or generally pleasant, and he is helpful or whatever, then he gets agressive with his siblings and that is grounds for me to be a momma bear. I fought too hard to remove us from abuse to have him behaving with so much venom, and if i comment on something like him not helping out, he will even get agressive with me and then it just devolves... he knows he can act that way and try to bully me.

so i understand times are tough, and they are obviously getting tougher.
But this is about working together as a FAMILY.
I cook, I launder (not his, but we throw loads in for eachother sometimes) I drive (he doesn't have a license, hasn't even tried)I make sure he is still safe and cared for... because i am sstill trying to care, while at the same time nudging him towards the door. and i haven;t been secretive about that...

But when I have asked him to help with certain 'heavy' jobs around the house that are too much for my height and limited physical abilities, like raking or helping stack wood, etc...I have ended up doing all the jobs myself because he either dissapears, ignores it, plays WoW, etc...
I dunno, my parents taught me about taking pride in your room, your home, yoursSelf...and that all LIFE was WORK...even if it is just sweeping the garage, be proud of it...

[Dappleganger]

17. No license??

There's one goal he needs to accomplish right away. Stop driving him places, too.

[XemaSab]

11. How much do internet and TV cost every month?

Make him pay for it. :P

[L0oniX]

13. How do you prepare the youth for life with declining supplies of oil?

[FirstLight]

14. well, we have a family garden

and he is the only one who never works on it...maybe he should starve a little?

[L0oniX]

15. That's probably one of the best things anyone can learn about for the future.

[Dappleganger]

16. It's a tough age...I feel ya.

Our oldest daughter graduated from HS this year, she's going to cosmetology school while living at home. So far things are working out well although she still hasn't found a job. She spends every Friday and Saturday going out looking while applying online. Still, nothing. She is very motivated wrt to her schooling because she loves it so that makes a difference. I know she wishes she had more friends now but a lot of her old friends have become real druggies (dropping out of school already, ugh)--that's not her scene. She's great with helping out around the house (always has been) and earns extra $$ from us by doing jobs.

We also have a 17 yr. old senior son, he's still employed with Publix and it's steady. He is going to community college beginning next summer then will transfer somewhere else after two years--not sure what he wants to do yet, but he's a good student and is good w/money and goals.

However, we've housed several 18/19/20 yr. olds over the years due to various circumstances. Several of them came to us homeless (or couch-surfing). The biggest thing I learned is that natural consequences are the best teacher at this age. If a kid doesn't want to do something you can't make them, but don't stand in the way of what's coming to them. Be positive, praise them when you can, keep a sense of humor, don't pick up after them and baby them, and be prepared to follow through with any threats you make. Goals are great for some kids, others are completely overwhelmed. Yes, we do live in tough times--but being a teenager is never easy and if you don't give them a gentle shove in the direction where they should be headed, sometimes they'll never get going. I'm not saying shove them out, but towards a GOAL. Progress has to be made. No job this week? Fine, but I have a yard which needs mowed and you won't get this awesome dinner unless it's done.

BTW, teens are by far my favorite age (in addition to 6 month old little cherubs). Definitely a huge challenge but BIG returns if you're lucky. Our kids are 19, 17, 14 and 13 (girl, boy, girl, boy).

[8 track mind]

18. I wish i knew what to tell you

For me, Dad always made us work. He would let us be kids and have playtime, but we were expected to do our part. Stack firewood, help Mom clean up, mow lawns, what ever he could find. If my brother and I didn't do it, or did a half ass job, he wouldn't really get mad.....he would just take stuff away that we enjoyed. Music, TV, Telephone privileges, and the total worst, the car keys.

The less we did, the less we got.

However, if we did a good job, he let us know and he kept his end of the bargain. If we did a good job and went above and beyond what we were supposed to do, he would do something really nice for us. No matter how bad things got in the Reagan 80's he always rewarded us for doing good work, and working hard.

one time a friend of mine was selling a dirt bike, a 1982 Honda CR125, for a steal of a price and i begged and begged and begged him to buy me that bike. $250 was the price. He relented and we went and purchased it. We got home and unloaded it and told me to push it into the barn. To my sheer amazement he proceeded in hoisting the bike off the ground (with a block and tackle) and secured the damn thing to the rafters 6 feet in the air complete with lock and key. I swear to Dog i am not making this up. After that was completed he proceeded to tell me the terms of the 'contract'. I had three months to pay it off. If i rode it before it was paid for, the bike would be sold instantly. Failing grades, bike sold. Crap attitude around the parents, bike sold. He said i could work around here for $1 per hour to pay it off, or i could get a job someplace else and pay for it, he didn't care, just pay it off. A month later i had my first job :)

If we came home with bad grades it was worse...

One time i got 3 'F's on my report card in the 7th grade (my fault, not doing homework) and to make matters worse i lied about it. Not smart. VERY bad idea. My Dad looked at it and said "Ok, so if you feel the need to make grades like an ass, then you need to work like an ass" and he handed me a shovel and a wheelbarrow. I had to dig dirt from one location and fill in low spots out in the field. after the sun set, i then got a two hour lecture on why i should never lie about grades, why i shouldn't make bad grades, and just what the hell made you think you could get away with this anyway? The punishment was having my stereo taken away, grounded for a month, bicycle locked up, and lots of extra oh-so-f-ing-fun chores to do. Only TV i could watch was the evening news. Punishment continued until the grades were brought up.

You know what? that shit SUCKED!!! I got my grades to passing ASAP. School work became very easy overnight ;) Back then i thought my dad was the most gigantic asshole on the face of the planet. Now that i'm much older, i get it.

Maybe you need to set some real consequences with him. That's what worked for us.....

[FirstLight]

19. that's awesome, actually

I guess the whole boundaries/consequences issue has been hard for me to do...being a single mom, mostly on welfare...i seek to give more than take, and hope they uinderstand the privilidges they have...

Trev has had it all, because he was the first grandchild, the golden boy, he was supported by my parents, sometimes even more than I was...
I have lived on the edge, slept on couches in filthy houses, scraped pennies for cigarettes, eaten tuna and mustard becaus that's all that is in the cubbards..and sold my mustang for $50 because it would get me gas to get HOME...I know what it is like to be stranded and come back to your family and hope they will still love you.(ironically, his dad was the one who 'rescued me'...)

..he has yet to learn THAT kind of humility
...even my mom was agreeing with me that he may need to fall on his face before he figures out how to stand up and be REALISTIC about what a struggle life really IS...

ya, wish I could explain it, or that it wouldn't fall on deaf ears
his dad abandoned me before he was born ....and he has probably never forgiven either of us

we were 21
he's still only 18

i hope he isn't in for similar mistakes
damn hereditary stubbornness

[Liquorice]

20. It sounds like your son has been through a lot--abusive father from whom

he had to be rescued, long-term unemployed parent, etc. He is probably depressed and angry. When the childhood is troubled, it can take longer for the kid to mature. Also some people are just late-bloomers anyway.

My opinion is to give him time and positive guidance...and it would help to stop with the derision (e.g. "he is going to be a rockstar or a ninja."). As far as him refusing therapy, that's pretty common for a teenager. He's going to have to deal with the abusive father issue eventually, but maybe he's just not ready. He is probably taking his anger out on his younger siblings because he is not equipped to express his anger at the person/people who have truly upset and angered him (displacement).