My FAVORITE Thanksgiving sport. . .

[Paula Sims]

Morning one and all - - -

It's 6:20am Thanksgiving morning and I am getting ready for the MOST WONDERFUL SPECTATOR EVENT OF THE YEAR -- watching men go grocery shopping!!

Yes, that is a sexist remark and does not apply to ALL with an XY chromosome combination, but here's usually what happens.

At 9am I arrive at the local grocery store and am immediately stopped by a wall of men. Oh, they don't stop me, but I go no further because they're trying to find out how to unhook the grocery carts and are doing so RIGHT AT THE ENTRANCE. I offer to demonstrate and am taken up on it. The ladies who work at the store smile for they know why I'm there.

I begin my day at the veggie section -- usually the most foreign to the species. "WHAT is a pearl onion??" I hear them exclaim and "why does she need it? Oh, here are the regular onions, she'll have to make due". I gently walk over and offer my assistance, explaining the difference and pointing out the pear onions. They shriek at the price (yes, the male shriek is a sound to behold, right after the male bonding grunt) and they ask why can't they use the the regular onions. I go into the delicacies of the dish, the balance of flavors and textures, and then finish off with "if you DON'T get this, you might as well drive by Burger King because that's all you're going to be eating. You know how stressed she is -- do you want to add to that???" He agrees and goes for the pearl onions. I also suggest a small bouquet just for the lady or ladies doing the prep (in Thanksgiving for them) and he sees the wisdom of the gesture. One down, 500 to go.

Later on I encounter another man looking for Sage. He asks if this is just a wise man, but I answer no, he is the wise man if he purchases the proper spice. He wonders why she doesn't use fresh sage and I explain the aromatic differences between fresh and dried spices. He sees the difference and grabs the generic. Again, I stop him from giving grounds for divorce by grabbing the cheap spice and ask him what her other spices look like. He said she's got an open rack and they look like those (pointing to the McCormick display). I suggest he take those so as not to disturb her sense of order. He thanks me and yes, I suggest a small bouquet of flowers.

So I continue weaving throughout the aisles, pointing out the different types of evaporated vs condensed milk, explaining that a bottle of shaken up beer would NOT suffice for sparkling wine, and granulated sugar cannot be put in a blender and made into powdered sugar just because it's cheaper.

However, ultimately, all ask to be pointed to the pain relief aisle as their headaches have worsened and if this isn't all the stuff, he will be mercilessly drawn and quartered!! I assured them that we went through the list thoroughly and that a bouquet of flowers will help erase all sins. Oh yea, and a box of chocolates JUST for her (not the family).

Even last year my husband got into it and had a good time himself. It's our way of giving back to the community. And management has offered us jobs on Thanksgiving day as "last minute" ambassadors but I decline, saying this is too much fun to be like work!

I have been doing this tradition for at least 10 years now and there is one sad trend -- cell phones. It was MUCH more fun when they had a list they couldn't read or thought they could remember "giblet dressing " (WHO forgets those?!?!?!). Still, it's a sport of a special kind.

So as I go off to do my "civic duty" <snicker snicker>, I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving

Oh, and when a kind lady as the store helps you and you tell her "Thank you", and she replies "It was MY pleasure" -- believe her, it is great fun <snicker, snicker, snicker>.

So Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good tryptophan-induced coma!!

Paula

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. I LOVE it!

Well done! That is, your post, and not the turkey...;)

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours as well!

:toast:

[Kadie]

2. Wonderful!

I loved reading your post.

:)

[Greyhound]

3. LOL!

Some of us do do the cooking though, I'm sorry for denying you some amusement on this weird day.

Oh, and one question; Where were you when I was 17 and learning how to shop & cook on my own? I really could've used the help.
:rofl:

[Obamanaut]

4. While I was getting my teeth cleaned Tuesday, the hygienist, whom I have

been seeing twice yearly for several years, was telling me why she will never send her husband shopping again. I think she knows I fear her when I'm sorta head down and she has sharp things, so I could not defend the gender.

He had a list and didn't read it. He knew there would be only six people for dinner at his house but bought a 30 pound bird instead. He filled the cart with 'stuff' (didn't use the list) and spent way too much.

When we got through, I suggested game hens for her next holiday feast. Not too costly, and everyone gets a wishbone, a tiny one, but they get one.

Have a nice day with family and friends.

[BrklynLiberal]

5. Actually had me falling out of my chair laughing. Thanks!!

Would it be ok with you if I shared with some friends who would REALLY appreciate it..giving you full credit, of course.?

[Paula Sims]

9. Share away

Perhaps this could start and underground trend!!

[lunatica]

6. In retail we used to call out "Man alert!". A yearly occurence on Xmas Eve

[femrap]

7. You made my day!

I'm emailing this to myself. You should get this published! I'm serious.

Yea, cell phones suck.

But I have to admit....how do you get those carts untangled? :blush:

Have a great day!

[tridim]

8. My favorite sport is trying to improve my Mom's cooking without her knowing about it.

She's under the impression that the thanksgiving meal must taste exactly the same every year, no matter what.

Doesn't matter a lick that salt brined turkey is superior, she's not changing. Salmonella laced stuffing inside the bird? No big deal! It doesn't matter that to cook the stuffing properly you have to overcook the whole turkey. It's tradition. :eyes:

I've had to resort to making my own stuffing and gravy for the past 10 years.

[Paula Sims]

12. Oh, I gave up on that YEARS ago

I'm Ukrainian and my Mother doesn't believe the butcher is capable of killing ANYTHING so she cooks the turkey until the little button comes up and then adds 35 minutes "just to be sure". Hubby and I were married seven years before he dared to ask about the lack of a turkey carcass. Mother told him her "trick" -- she cooks the turkey on Monday (see above comment), slices it, and then reheats it on Thanksgiving morning to make it easier for herself. THAT explains the seven different sauces served with the meal (hubby thought it was a Ukrainian thing). And she has a talent for making frozen green beans taste like canned. How? She cooks (BOILS) them for 30 minutes before putting them into the infamous "green bean casserole" which she then bakes for 45 additional minutes. She's afraid to ruin her dental work. YUMMY! DEMZ GOOD EATS!!!

I was 30 before I knew the edged of a steak shouldn't curl up -- today I order my beef rare. I tell the waiter "just take out the moo". Definitely PTSD.


Paula

[MineralMan]

17. I hear you. My mom, who is otherwise an excellent cook,

believes that brussel sprouts must be boiled for at least an hour before serving. Otherwise, they're indigestible, she says. I say, "Feh!" I served some roasted brussel sprouts with crumbled bacon to her and my father the last time they were here. She was surprised at them. "I never really liked brussel sprouts, but these are good," she said. Hah!

[tridim]

22. That pop-up button is freaking evil.

A few years ago I bought my parents a digital internal thermometer with alarm specifically for their turkey problems.

Guess what happened.

The correct internal temperature was reached about an hour early (as I expected), the turkey was done. Dad decided to leave the turkey in the oven until the button popped up, because obviously a cheap piece of plastic is more accurate than a $50 thermometer. My dad is an engineer, he should know better.

I honestly think they enjoy dry turkey, there is no other explanation.

[MineralMan]

28. If you use a thermometer, turkeys are always done before

the chart says. And the older the cookbook, the longer the suggested cooking time is. A thermometer is the only way.

[SheilaT]

29. Hmmm. I have had great luck

with turkeys with the plastic pop-up thermometer. They're a HUGE improvement over trying to guess when the turkey was done. I once seriously undercooked a turkey -- after it cooled down and we started slicing the thing, it became clear it needed to go back in the oven for another couple of hours.

Several years ago I bought a really good baking pan, the heavy duty name brand kind with a heavy duty rack. For reasons I cannot comprehend my turkeys cook much faster in it and are very tender and juicy.

[rug]

10. Excuse me, where are the beets?

[Paula Sims]

13. Beets with horseradish?

Those are served as a side-dish with the Bigus!! And don't forget the garlic. Lots and lots of garlic and vinegar!!

[rug]

24. Stop it! I'm getting overwhelmed!

[MineralMan]

11. I'm a man and I do all the cooking and shopping.

But that's OK. I enjoy watching the amateur shoppers, too, and do help them.

My favorite man thing at the supermarket, though, is the newly retired guy who is accompanying his wife on her shopping trip. This is especially true if the guy is a management type. I followed one such couple around the store not long ago, since the woman was using the same route I habitually use. Hubby was questioning every choice she made...pointing out the cheaper store brand and asking why she was wasting money on the more expensive stuff. She caved every time and took the store brand. This went on for about four aisles. Store brand bread. Store brand everything, with hubby calculating price per portion in his head as they shopped. Store brand dishwashing liquid, laundry detergent, and so on.

Well, then they reached the aisle with the beer in it. The guy's wife gave the beer selection a quick once-over, then chose the cheapest beer on the shelf. "No, no," hubby said. "I only drink {brandname}." With a sly grin on her face, his wife said, "But dear, look at the price per can. This beer is much more economical. Yes, I think we'll buy this one." She put the beer in the cart. Hubby frowned. There was no response he could make.

Lesson learned, I hope. I'm thinking he won't be going on those shopping trips.

[Paula Sims]

14. That's what happened the first time my husband went shopping with me

He now understands. . .

Glad you're one of the "evolved" ones. . . And you're right -- this is purely amateur hour.

[MineralMan]

16. I don't know about being "evolved."

It's a survival thing. My wife, bless her heart, can't cook. Her mom raised three daughters, but forgot to teach them to cook. It's OK, though. I love cooking and everything that goes with it. I'm also the laundry-doer. The machines are right next to my office in our house, and I own fewer changes of underwear than my wife. So, there it is. Laundry is easy.

Later today, I'm making the whole Thanksgiving dinner, as I do every year. MIL is 82, now, and wants nothing to do with it, and I'm happy to do it.

[tblue37]

30. I eat Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's house. Her husband

cooks the turkey, stuffing (3 kinds) and mashed potatoes and gravy. His is the BEST I have ever had--including mine when I was married and did all the cooking. His brother and sister-in-law bring side dishes. (His brother is also a good cook.)

[elleng]

15. BRAVO!

[mrs_p]

18. even my well-accomplished in the kitchen

hubby could use you from time to time. thanks for the good chuckle - especially since i am still at work and could use some cheering up!

[Earth_First]

19. In our household, if it weren't for my xy designation, we wouldn't eat...

I say that as light-hearted as possible as we are more than acceptable with the situation and I enjoy cooking very much so...

I love my wife, and she loves that I cook!

Happy Thanksgiving!

[jberryhill]

20. Okay, but don't tell him to get "potatoes"

Without specifying what kind of potato you have in mind.

[Earth_First]

21. Yukon's

Sour cream, chives, garlic and copious amounts of salted butter...

[Codeine]

23. I cook, clean, and shop better and more efficiently than any female in my family.

I know you're trying to be funny, but the joke is tired, outmoded, lame, and a bit sexist.

Now I need to go roll out the crust for the emergency backup apple pie we didn't know we'd need until someone else invited themselves to our meal. :D

[uppityperson]

25. Amateur shoppers are fun to watch. Still deal with the difference between "evaporated vs condensed..

milk in my house. Had someone open my last can of condensed and try to throw it out because "it went bad".

This is very funny writing, but yes, is sexist. Amateur shoppers come in all sexes and ages.

[H2O Man]

26. Tin Foil.

Actually, tin foil and eggs. I did the "next-to-the-last-minute" shopping, without checking on all of my supplies at home. Thus, when I began preparing those things which can be prepared the day before Thanksgiving, I found that we were out of eggs, and also low on tin foil.

Thus, I traveled to the local inconvenience store. They had a supply of eggs -- though these packages of a dozen bi-products of a lonely hen's menstral cycle had different prices. What to do? What to do? I selected the most expensive package.

But they were OUT of tin foil!

Thus, because I was in the middle of baking two loaves of bread (no fish), three pies, and four squash, my wonderful and beautiful wife volunteered to venture to an actually store, and buyeth tin foil.

Team work! Team work! I believe it produces the best results.

[Paula Sims]

27. I apologize -- that was sexist (although not intended)

but when applied to ANY gender, amateur hour at the grocery store is a funny spectator sport!

That said, my husband DOES clean the house better than I (embarrassing :blush: ) but he refuses to clean up after cooking so I win there. And he is the official laundry folder (his lap is longer than mine).

No offense was meant -- just a bit 'o holiday joviality.