Republican candidates come to your party...

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

Suppose you had a big party and invited a whole bunch of people, and some of your guests brought some of their friends. And those friends included some Republican candidates. They might fit into certain stereotypes of disturbing party guests:

MITT ROMNEY: He is wearing a snappy polo shirt and crisp Dockers. He shakes hands with you and his hand is limp and clammy, and almost immediately he tells you he's a professional financial planner and he has some investment vehicles he's sure will interest you. You excuse yourself quickly because you need another drink.

MICHELE BACHMANN: Laughs too much, flirts with your 16-year-old son, can't stop talking about the time she got to hug George Bush and how hot he was.

RICK SANTORUM: Stands stiffly in a corner with a sour, disapproving look on his face; refuses alcoholic beverages. You notice he has one hand in his pocket; he seems to be touching himself as he stares at Michele Bachmann's butt.

NEWT GINGRICH: Commands you to mix him a gin gimlet and sidles up to an attractive young woman, starts telling her he's a professor and starts describing the all books he's written. As he gets drunker he gets louder, starts to rant about how poor kids should be working on farms so all the illegal immigrants can be deported.

CALLISTA GINGRICH is overdressed, lots of jewelry, pointy-toed Manolo Blaniks, little beaded handbag where she keeps her lipstick, which she takes out and reapplies about every 10 minutes. She does not leave Newt's side until at one point she has to run to the bathroom to apply a fresh coat of shellac to her hair. When she comes back she finds Newt telling the young woman (above) how wonderful he is. Callista moves in like a shark on a school of mackerel. The young woman happily retreats.

RICK PERRY makes his entrance holding a six-pack of cheap beer in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He wants to go out in the yard and shoot at things. He drinks your good beer, tells off-color jokes that make Rick Santorum scowl harder, and yells "WHOO-EEEE!" every few minutes.

RON PAUL is drinking a glass of milk and is mumbling to himself. People are avoiding him.

HERMAN CAIN wasn't invited but he shows up anyhow. He greets the hostess by holding his hands up toward her chest and making squeezing motions and honking sounds.

GEORGE BUSH wasn't invited either, but he heard there was a party so here he is. He drinks all of Rick Perry's beer, trips over and destroys a folding lawn chair, pees in the rose bushes, vomits on Romney's Topsiders, and finally passes out behind the garage, where he is not discovered until the following morning.

Santorum leaves with Michele Bachmann.

[glowing]

1. Actually, I believe Rick Santorum would be checking out Perry's butt

and leaving with him.. Rick doth protests too much and we've all heard the grapevine stories about the sordid imbecile that Perry is. Other than those 2 items about Rick, its perfect.

[Capt. America]

2. Cheney shows up with Laura who is extremely sad to see George in the passed out in the bushes but

no one can tell she is sad because her face is permanently pulled back and her tear ducts were surgically removed years ago before her husband ran for president.

Cheney then proceeds to make his own cocktail by drinking the blood of innocents.

[The Wizard]

3. Thanks

I needed that.