Someone else's daughter

[Horse with no Name]

My daughter has a friend. This friend was adopted at a young age by her stepfather and started being rebellious at around age 16. Her parents spoiled her horribly--to the point of ruining her. Late model cars, expensive horses, money in her pocket...with no responsibilities attached.

She has expectations that everyone is here to serve HER. I am not even sure she knows what "Thank you" means.

When she was 18--they kicked her to the curb because her attitude was so horrible. To be fair, it was just as horrible when she was 12--but they encouraged it at that point.

We live in a very small town. It is pretty difficult for a kid to get in trouble here--even if they want to because everyone knows everyone else and frankly, will tell your parents on you.

This girl has been staying with us on and off for the last couple of years. We've really tried to help her. When we get her on the right track, her parents take her back with open arms, buy her cars and give her money and then she will move back in. Then, when she screws up again, they take everything away and they kick her out and back she comes, does well, goes back, etc.

Well, this time when her parents kicked her out, she didn't come back here. She went to a club in Houston and met a guy who was going to help her out. He went out and bought her some less-than-respectable clothes, and told her she could chill at his place and then he would help her make some money.

Now, I know what this means. Or at least I have a pretty good idea of what HE has in mind.

This girl is spoiled and is definitely her own worst enemy...but she is NOT worldly at all.

My daughter is beside herself about this situation. She knows what this girl is getting herself off into. I had to sit her down and explain to her that it isn't HER responsibility to save this girl.
She isn't responsible. I also told her that her parents should understand that when you keep throwing your kid to the wolves...sooner or later, the wolves will find them.

I have contemplated telling her parents about what is going on, but the last time I did, they got pissed and told me to mind my own business. I truly fear for this girl's safety. I don't know what to do.

[Cid_B]

1. Say your piece, have your daughter say her piece...

... then she is on her own.

[w8liftinglady]

2. You are a good person in a tough spot.

Like you,I think she's probably been "befriended" by a pimp.
Take her mom aside,and in all confidentiality tell her the facts.She may already know.
Houston Rescue and Restore may be able to help her.too
http://houstonrr.org/resources/other-useful-websites/

[Horse with no Name]

7. Thank you Beth.

This kid is NOT a likeable kid. I know it is easy to look the other way and as much as I really don't want to be involved in this, the sad truth is that just by knowing about it, I AM involved.

My daughter's problem is that she has my empathy. With her stable of "friends", I think she might also be co-dependent. She wants to fix everyone. I keep telling her that you can't fix people who don't want to be fixed.

I REALLY think her parents need to know--and I will tell you, her stepdad (while upstanding in the community) is a less-than-savory character and has a reputation around town for "taking care of things". I think that is why this girl has no fears. But she has bit off more than she can chew in a town where folks don't know her Daddy. I guess I'm going to have to go up the hill to her parents and let them know.:(

[mopinko]

15. do you think she might have been molested?

dad sounds like the sort. so very often the start of the road she is traveling.

[aquart]

16. Then he'll take care of the pimp.

I'll tell you what I tell anyone who rescues (we rescue animals but it's amazing how often that rescues people): You can only do what you can do. If you try to do more, you become overwhelmed and ineffective (those horrible animal hoarder stories all began with rescues). Cry a little for the ones you can't save, because there will always be so many of them, and then dry your eyes and do you what you can for the ones you can save. Accept the pain of not being able to save the world. And accept the joy of changing a few small lives completely.

This girl knows where you live. She knows where she can run.

But do let Daddy deal with the pimp.

[InvisibleTouch]

33. Well said. We can only do what we can do. n/t

[secondwind]

3. You never know what is the right or wrong thing to do in this case. Unfortunately, since she is

18 yrs old, the police won't get involved. If your daughter could "text" her and tell her how she feels............ just a thought.

If it were me, I would try to contact this girl on a casual basis, but I doubt this fella will allow this. But it may be enlightening to HER to see his reaction. She may decide to bolt one more time.

[90-percent]

4. Agree with #1

Only thing I would add is to say your peace to all involved in writing.

I know the feeling of hopelessness. My wife is currently killing herself with pain killers and alcoholism. Jaundice and her body shutting down has awakened her to the point where she drinks a lot less.

-90% Jimmy

[Karia]

12. Yes, in writing

I would carefully construct the letter in four basic parts:
1. You are writing parent-to-parent because you care about their child and are frightened for her, just as you would be for your own child. You also feel for them (the parents).
2. Lay out what you know.
3. Explain what you fear it means and why.
4. Again, explain that you care. You may mention steps that occur to you, but make it clear that you are not telling them what to do or passing judgement on them as parents. End by saying again that you care about their child and are frightened for her, just as you would be for your own child.

[HereSince1628]

5. Is 18 the age of legal adulthood in Texas?

There may not be much anyone can do for an adult until things get to the seriously bad level requiring a judge to be involved.

[Donnachaidh]

6. If she's reached the age where she's considered an *adult*, is there really anything you can do?

I feel for ya -- this is a mess.

My son just turned 18, and it's a shock how suddenly he has *responsibility* with a capital R pushed on him. My first instinct is to intercede, and I know it's instinct and I should back off, because he knows if it gets too crazy we've got his back. But watching the sudden thrusting of adulthood on my baby hurts, in ways I can't really describe.

I think, you need to try to get your daughter to realize that her friend has jumped into something of her own free will - and even though TV programs and movies have friends dragging other friends safely home at the end of the episode - that's not always the case in real life.

Getting involved in the life of someone you've never been legally liable for is tricky. It doesn't sound as if this girl has done much more than play situations to her advantage. Yes, her parents are at fault for a lot of it, but free will factors into it too.

Some people really do need to grow up the *hard way* -- it sounds heartless, but she really is just bouncing from situation to situation. She has to learn to think things out. It's awful that it's potentially going to be a hard lesson - but what else can you do?

I would let your daughter know that you have *her* back, and that you expect *her* to think (or talk) things out before she gets an idea for rescue, etc. You can also let the girlfriend know she has a sanctuary if needed - but this time it will be with rules, just like you would expect from any other adult who was staying with you.

Good luck -- it looks like heavy seas ahead. And hug your daughter - she sounds like a real good kid. Let her know that daily.

[LisaL]

8. Tell the parents. Even if they just get pissed, at least you will

know you did what you could.

[seabeyond]

9. so she is what, 20? at a certain time our children have got to make their own choices

though you can blame the parent, at a certain time i tend to say enough. her future, she controls, has a brain... her life.

i might try puttin a call thru to her and ask if she is stupid..... i am blunt with people i love, but hers to do.

[Horse with no Name]

10. Emotionally she is about 15

Legally she is almost 20. They are still our kids--no matter how old they get.

She has NEVER taken care of herself. Not one day in her life. I don't consider her an adult at all.

[seabeyond]

11. then this will be an eye opener for her. again, i would probably

try to reach her. but reality for me, in my world, what i see in kids, is they need a dash of reality to get to the point of listening. i dont care how coddled she is or emotionally immature she is... she will have to make decisions of what she will allow. someone needs to put her choices squarely on her shoulders and quit being enablers, giving her excuses for her failures and behaviors. all she has to do, is call and you will help her out, but if she decides she wants the life prostituting herself out, because she thinks it is an easy life.... then she has already decided a path that i would not allow my daughter around, unless your daughter is older and making her own choices now.

the thing

i watch kids decide they know everything. and havent been given the foundation in conscious, hard work, responsibility. i have watched a brother for three decades, continually being bailed out and, lordy, 200k later.

i am always around for the kids when they need some adult reality, but it is their choice to come to me at those times. they know i am here.

[woo me with science]

22. Good posts. nt

[LiberalAndProud]

13. She may not be worldly, but I imagine she knows what she's signing up for.

I don't think she's the one being naive here. You really can't save people from themselves. Leaving go those things you have no control over is one of the hardest lessons in life to learn. Your daughter is getting an early start. Good luck to her.

[handmade34]

14. wow...

I know the worry and hurt... I used to do respite care for kids and it's painful sometimes to see what they go through. I would write the parents (anonymously maybe) and do try to communicate with the young girl just to let her know you are thinking of her... not much else youcan do :(

[Tesha]

17. How will telling her parents anything help?

They appear to have caused much of their daughter's
inability to function as an adult, so telling them, if they
care at all, might only postpone her coming of mental age.

I would advise both of you just casually letting
this kid know that you'd love to see her.
Its the best you can do... opening the door.

[Warpy]

18. You might as well tell the parents

Who knows? Maybe they'll go looking for her. Maybe not.

In any case, she can refuse to go home with them. She's now legally a grownup, even if her parents did keep her in childish dependency.

It's hard to see people you know walking into traps you can spot from miles away.

Likely she realizes the only hope she's got in life is to take the geographical cure. I did the same thing but I was able to spot the pimps. I won't say it was easy or smooth, but I survived.

She might surprise everybody and not only survive, but grow up in the process.

[femrap]

19. Pimps sure know how to spot them....

He'll get her on drugs and then let the wolves have her.

There must be organizations in Houston that can help her.

I would definitely tell her Mother the situation and that Prostitution is the most dangerous 'career' out there.

Some parents shouldn't be parents. Damn shame.

Give helpful information....that's all you can do. Getting arrested for prostitution might be the best thing to happen to her....beats getting HIV and/or murdered.

I'd bet money that Stepdaddy sexually abused her. Hence the gifts. His behavior sounds quite entitled. So it wouldn't be much of a stretch to take liberties with his stepdaughter.

You and your daughter have good hearts. I'm glad you want to do something.

[woo me with science]

20. It's disgusting to throw around allegations of sexual abuse

when you don't know these people.

Shame on you.

[Name removed]

25. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Texasgal]

27. That's not disgusting at all!

Do you not know that the US has a HUGE and I mean HUGE child sex trafficking issue?

You HAVE to be proactive now days! There is a crap load of horrible sexual abuse of children happening RIGHT NOW. Hello!

[Name removed]

29. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Texasgal]

31. Crazy...and weird.

I saw your post and felt like it was fine.

Who knows what they wanna delete now days! :shrug:

[femrap]

34. And they deleted it again....

I guess they enjoy sex trafficking. Delete that....little dude.

[hedgehog]

21. You know, it's illegal to pimp out people regardless of their age.

I'd still call the cops.

[HopeHoops]

23. My daughters have gone through similar situations with long-time friends.

We just keep telling them that everyone makes their own decisions in life and there is nothing you can do to change a mind that is made up. You can try talking to someone, but if they ignore your advice, let it go. People change and it is in no way your fault or your responsibility to make things right.

[JI7]

24. maybe report the guy if you know for sure what is going on ?

[Iggo]

26. Tell them. What do you care if they get pissed?

[Flying Dream Blues]

28. I think you should tell the parents what you know;

if it were your child you would want to know. It sounds like your daughter feels very responsible for her friend and it may be obvious but please make sure she doesn't try to intervene by going there herself.

Good luck and I admire you for what you've already done for this girl.

[aikoaiko]

30. Between the ages of 15 and 25 a bunch of my friends ended up dead because of reckless choices....

It's sad. All you can do is say what you can and then walk away because they almost never listen.

And be careful about the "let me move in with you a while" schtick. Users use nice people.

[flvegan]

32. How will you feel if you don't tell the parents

and something (God forbid) does happen? Is it your responsibility? No. Is it your business? Well, considering you've been partial caretakers you have an interest in her well being, if nothing else.