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This is my admission of feelings of rage. Last week, a snot-nosed twenty year old got my 17 yr old daughter pregnant. He doesn't have a pot to pee in. He works at Walmart, has no car for transportation (bums rides from anyone he can), has been in trouble with the law, and has a smart mouth. He is controlling, tries to separate her from her family and friends, and makes excuses for everything. I hate the kid. I had feelings of rage I have never experienced before. I wanted to load my .357, go to his slimy trailer house, put it to his temple and empty the gun. I had thoughts that no sane person would want to have. But, I am not a violent person. The rage was so bad, I could not sleep, I could not eat. I could think of nothing but how I wanted to end this young man's life as violently as I could. It was destroying me.
As my mental capacity was waning due to a lack of sleep and not eating, I went to see my doctor. I told him the whole story. We talked for over 45 minutes. I walked out with a script for some tranquilizers and sleeping pills. Whatever he gave me worked. The pills calmed me down...I was no longer shaking, and I was actually calm and serene, something I had not felt in a week. I have just awaken from eight hours of good sleep. Thank god!
I'm past it now. I have my sanity back. Things are better. My daughter had ran off to the kids trailer because she was afraid and ashamed. He called and said such things as "You have lost your daughter." "She is mine now." and some other things I will not mention.
My daughter is home now. She wants to finish her senior year in highschool. The kid? He's still around, still involved, but has changed his tone.
I truly belive the kid is a gold-digger. He was born into poverty, the same as I was. His dad died in prison from liver disease, a result of his alcoholism, and he was in there for repeat DWI convictions. The kid dropped out of school at age sixteen, and has held a few odd jobs to stay alive. I am now a fairly wealthy person (few million dollars) and my daughter is the sole heir of my estate. I think he saw that as his "ticket" out, and got her pregnant to that end. I have since redone my will to make sure he never sees a dime, so that's no longer an issue. My daughter is getting an IUD.
There is so much more, but there is not enough bandwidth here to cover it. I've been thru the wringer, lately. I'm back in control of my life.
I have never experienced rage to this extent. In fact, my life was virtually stress free for the last ten years. It is scary to know how rage can blind one to that extent. I cannot fathom anyone having to live with it on a daily basis, and I know there are those who do. My wife is a retired mental health couselor, so I had her to help me. She knew what to do. Even she was shocked at my rage. It had never surfaced before.
I beg anyone who is experiencing rage (or anxiety, because that's what it really is) to see their doc......they can help! I can deal with it now. The anger is gone, the tension is gone. I can now deal with things on a rational basis.
I am smart enough to know that everything changes. Life has it's bumps to get over and I have overcome tremendous odds before to achieve what I have. I look at this experience as a learning curve. I now know what to do, and what not to do. I can only imagine how many out there are living with the same deranged mindset I had for a week. I feel for them, I really do. I intend to donate a large sum of money to our local non-profit mental health center to help others deal with their problems. I had the resources and help to get through mine, and if I can help one person get through their's, it's worth it.
So there's my "dirty laundry". I'm not proud of it, but I can't change what happened. I am glad to be past it.
My wife quoted the serenity prayer to me......
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I am not a religious person, but I am intelligent.
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