It's so hard for us to lead by example...

[rbnyc]

...when we've been punished for it so many times. It's so hard for us to do the right thing just because it's the right thing to do, when so many are conspiring to make sure that right action is ineffective. And for me, personally, it's so hard not to hate many specific people who have done so much evil in this world.

But President Obama said the right things last night. He was right. And despite the false equivalency, a leader does not say, "You do this." A leader say's "Let's do this." A leader does not say, "You go." A leader says, "Come with me."

We must continue to talk about these issues, and we must hold our opposition accountable for the harmful behavior that makes the whole world so much worse. But we do have to do it in a way that promotes healing and leaves room for the opposition to exist. We must act like its possible for all of us to grow and learn, despite the odds, despite the inventory of evidence that some people will never change. If we don't, then we are the ones who are making it impossible.

I also had a strange mental rambling while I was in the shower this morning. I imagined I had two children, Bobby and Susie. Bobby pulled Susie's hair once, and Susie kicked Bobbie in the balls 6 times. As a parent, I would not invest in establishing that Susie is worse than Bobbie. I would hold them each accountable for their actions and help them each to mature. But making sure that everyone understands that Susie is so much worse would not help Susie to get better. As a parent, I wouldn't do that to her. The thing is, in this situation, I'm not the parent. I'm Bobby. And I'm really mad! (Plus, Susie didn't kick me in the balls, she helped to murder some of my friends...)

Nonetheless, I'm really going to try to do better, without ignoring the substance of what is happening. I am going to try to remember to ask myself, always, "What does this serve? Does this serve the truth, or does it serve my venom? Does this help? Is this in good faith?"

[crim son]

1. Thank you for taking the time to put down in detail and with thought

what seems to me self-evident but has been challenged here and in the media.

[rbnyc]

8. Thank you. (nt)

[janet118]

2. Your analogy - sigh, if only the right-wing were children

and not corporate financed thugs. I do believe that, in the long run, acting like the grown-ups is the way to go. Passing real campaign finance reform and passing legislation to limit corporate donations to groups that are affiliated with politics may also help. If money is taken out of the equation, it will shrink the manufactured protest. This takes hard work, patience, intelligence, organization and persistence. Are we up to it?

[rbnyc]

3. Indeed!

You are right and I hope we are.

[ctaylors6]

4. We can all teach children, through example, how to communicate

I think your last paragraph is such an important reminder for all of us - thank you for it. I tell my children all the time that the best way to disagree with someone is calmly and with facts. Being more informed and able to think critically are more important that who can make the snarkiest comment. I also try to teach them not to let themselves be provoked into resorting to ugly talking. As a last resort, I tell them to simply change the subject when faced with someone who cannot speak civilly about something. I believe it's so important that they learn to speak properly and respectfully to other people, even those who do not do that themselves. I try to use other people's methods of speaking as examples for my children. When someone speaks clearly and an informed manner, even if I disagree, I point it out. When someone argues and rants in ill-informed manner, I ask my kids if they sounded like someone who should be listened to.

This past week when I've heard and read "both sides do it," I have concluded that people from both sides often speak disrespectfully. I don't believe the worst of the hateful, violent rhetoric is two-sided, but I do think the unproductively disrespectful rhetoric is.

I try to teach my children that namecalling is not a good way to support their position and usually undermines it. I remember several years ago an actress who said about republicans something like if you look republican up in the dictionary it's between repugnant and reptile. I've used that as an example for my children of how to sound petty and dumb instead of informed and intelligent. Sure a funny, snarky nonviolent comment is fine every once in a while in the right environment and context, but so many people talk like that, and, more to the point, disagree like that as their main form of communication. I know it started before crossfire, but I often call it the crossfire-ization of the country. When one-liners and sound bytes overtook reasoned debate as the form of expressing disagreement in this country. And I truly believe that when many voices say over and over "bush is an idiot" instead of arguing a specific point, they lose the force of their collective voice. I think the crossfire effect also keeps people from agreeing when they might have otherwise found some common ground. It seems more about taking a side than working through a problem in a reasoned manner. My family is quite a mix of the political spectrum and when we discuss issues in detail, we often find more common ground than we realized. There are certainly some issues where there's no common ground but even then there's usually respectfulness of the other side's position. I have one sister who's deeply religious and progressive about most issues except abortion. Yet I find myself able to respect her position on that because she's such a pacifist re the wars and is anti-death penalty.

rbnyc, I think that we can all benefit from asking ourselves those questions you posed for yourself. Thank you again.

[rbnyc]

5. I love your post.

Thanks so much. You fleshed out in a wonderful way what I was getting at. I find it very challenging. I can really enjoy having a hated enemy. I can. But what am I serving? If I say something, it needs to be because I love the change or value I am trying to advance, not because I want someone to feel how much I hate them. That does leave room for calling them out on their BS, but not in a way that doesn't serve us.

[Little Star]

6. One Rec is not enough for this post but it's all they allow me. k&r

[rbnyc]

7. I appreciate it.

My threads always die in here.

[Warren DeMontague]

9. Some folks here could stop fetishizing the French Revolution, for starters.

Some people think they're being cute with 'jokes' about guillotines, and such. I may not always have spoken up in the past to mention the inappropriateness of such commentary, but I will now.

[rbnyc]

10. I get it.

It's hard to resist. If you see me making a joke like that, feel free to remind me what I said here.

:hi:

[Warren DeMontague]

11. Right on.

:hi: