Canada to Build Twenty-foot Fence if Perry Elected Could Be Electrified, Border Officials Warn

[Mira]

Andy Borowitz
www.borowitzreport.com


OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report) – Canada warned today that if Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX) is elected President of the United States in 2012, it would take the “regrettably necessary step” of constructing a 20-foot fence along its entire border with the U.S.

“This is a step that we don’t take lightly,” said Canadian Border Security Minister Ian McLarrity. “However, we must protect ourselves from the prospect of millions of Americans pouring over the border.”

Mr. McLarrity said that Canadian border officials were alarmed by the volume of panicky comments regarding Americans’ migratory plans in the event of a Perry win posted on websites ranging from National Public Radio to Huffington Post.

“We are taking this threat very seriously,” he said. “We will electrify the fence if necessary.”

Perhaps taking the lead from Canada, Mexican officials said today that in the event of a Perry victory it would install tollbooths in its secret underground tunnels, which would require travelers to provide documentary evidence that they are members of a drug cartel in order to gain entry to Mexico.

At a campaign stop in Florida today, Gov. Perry addressed the prospect of an electrified fence being erected on the United States’ northern border.

“My position on electrocution is a matter of public record,” he said. “I’m for it.”

[tosh]

1. Perfect!

[FLAprogressive]

2. LOL.

[theaocp]

3. This has to be the Onion

b/c I'm shedding tears.

[aquart]

4. Borowitz. Same thing.

[Canuckistanian]

5. And I'm going to start a patriotic group to go down and defend our border

I'm going to call it "The MountieMen" :D

[BiggJawn]

13. Sinclair Lewis beat you to it in 1935.

In his book, "It Can't Happen HERE" The supporters of President "Buzz" Windrip, the "Minutemen Marching Club" became the vigilantes who patrolled the US-Canada border to keep Americans from escaping.

[Canuckistanian]

22. Really? I always meant to read that

I never knew it involved Canada.

[BiggJawn]

23. Yeah, Canada was the promised land.

The border was patrolled heavily. You should read it, it's like a preview of what Authoritarian rule would look like.
It's even available free, online.

[cascadiance]

6. That's funny... i just joked about moving to Canada if Perry got elected about a half hour ago...

... in an instant message with a friend of mine. How prophetic!

[a la izquierda]

9. I have applications in at a few places up there already...

not taking any chances.

[cascadiance]

11. Here's another opening in Vancouver... But notice the fine print on it...

http://www.doxafestival.ca/festival/jobs.html

...

MAIL:
DOXA Documentary Film Festival
5 - 1726 Commercial Drive
Vancouver, BC
V5N 4A3

EMAIL:
[e-mail]

* Candidates are only eligible if they are currently unemployed and have a current EI claim; OR have had an established EI claim within the past 36 months; OR have been paid special EI benefits (i.e., maternity/parental) in the past 60 months and are returning to work for the first time since that benefit began.

This position is funded in whole or part through the Canada-British Columbia Labour Market Development Agreement.

...

It would appear that Canada has focused many of their job openings by non-profits, etc. to try and hire their unemployed as indicated here, instead of the pattern of many employers we have in this country avoiding hiring the unemployed. Wish we had a government that would take care of our citizens more!

[a la izquierda]

14. Seriously!

The two jobs I applied for specifically say that Canadians are favored. Makes sense to me.

[cascadiance]

15. Maybe they'd hire us to help them build the fence like we hired Mexicans to do ours!

And we hired these Mexicans illegally to build ours! Maybe Canada would hire us without any papers, etc. too! :)

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6626823

[HappyMe]

18. Yay! Jobs!

That is funny & sad at the same time.

[Pacifist Patriot]

20. I've long said if Canada could relocate to a warmer climate I'd apply for citizenship asap.

[Permanut]

7. Ain't gonna work...

According to my Christian fourth grade science textbook, you can't feel electricity anyway.

[louis-t]

8. Borowitz is killin' me today!

[HockeyMom]

10. Eh????? LOVE IT

:yourock: It works BOTH ways, your morons.

[ThoughtCriminal]

12. Home Depot sells out of 21-foot ladders by December 2012

[Eddie Haskell]

16. What is Canada's position on foreign ownership of homes?

I've given up hope of immigrating, but I would like to have a property across the border. Does anyone know if that's possible?

[abbiehoff]

19. Yes Eddie

I know several U.S. citizens who own Canadian property. I've been looking into the possibility myself, but it appears that the real estate bubble has not burst in Canada. Properties are very expensive.

[Eddie Haskell]

21. Is land cheap?

They have plenty of that.

[Shagbark Hickory]

17. It's hard enough to get facts these days. Unreccadeccadoo.