How do you ask a colleague to stop being rude?

[mahina]

I have a colleague, a man, who regularly raises his voice or otherwise gets obnoxious once or twice a week.
I just ignore it and stay focused on the issue at hand, almost pretending that he isn't being a horse's ass.

I've decided it's time to ask him to stop but I'm really stumped for words to get there without escalating a whole new problem.

Any conflict management pros out there, hip me to how to encourage this asshole to behave civilly.

Thanks much.

[WillParkinson]

1. Unless you're a manager...

I don't think you should. That leaves you open to a host of other issues. Quietly discuss it with a manager or HR person. Let them deal with it.

[The Wielding Truth]

2. +1

[liberal N proud]

11. It definitely is the managers job to discuss it with him.

[MineralMan]

14. +10

Let HR handle it.

[SoDesuKa]

3. I Suggest Subtle Ridicule

People will challenge direct criticism but they do fear ridicule, it it's indirect enough not to pose a threat. I don't know enough about the specifics of the situation to suggest an approach. If this person is being an asshole, it may be that at some level he knows he's an asshole but do3esn't know a different way to get what he wants done.

You might say something deliberately over-the-top like imitating his voice and saying, and the next time Barney, we're sending you to Siberia.

[TlalocW]

4. Co-workers and I

Would openly and mercilessly mock the person in front of other people, and he would shut up. I did this with two different co-workers at two different companies... One of the persons was a manager that everyone was afraid of because of his temper and abuse of other employees. Looking back, it was stupid to do, but it also worked. :)

But I'll echo someone else's advice - if you're not "over" that person in any way, you can't do anything directly. You might anonymously inform HR though. Chances are they've already started a file on the guy. There was one on the abusive manager when I started, and before I was laid off with several dozen other people, he had been fired, and we spent a glorious year without him. He may just be a complaint or two away from being sacked.

TlalocW

[malaise]

5. I'd tell him he may want to rethink his approach

since I'm neither his wife or daughter.

[mahina]

34. I love that, thank you. Perfect.

[Chan790]

6. I've always been a fan of "Hey Fucko! Get Bent!"

Nah, really. Go to HR. If it's a small company without an HR dept. go to the owner or his supervisor.

[mahina]

35. That would be me :(

[vidalarosa]

7. How do you ask a colleague to stop being rude?

talk to others, they may be bothered as well

[Cirque du So-What]

8. I've had some success with 'the look'

Let this be a guide:



You need not say a word.

[mahina]

36. Excellent model!

I will do my best!

[Norrin Radd]

9. This:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlv7Bp-L2MM&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32C0eKRQVt8&feature=related

Dominating gestures tend to work on loudmouths.

[rucky]

12. Perfect.

[lonestarnot]

15. Those fucking crack me up!

A whole bag of sh!

[Skittles]

10. HEY! STOP BEING A FUCKING ASSHOLE!

yup

[lonestarnot]

16. I LOVE YOU SKITTLES!

:applause: :loveya:

[ChoppinBroccoli]

24. I Was Going To Suggest, "Hey, Asshole, Watch Your Fucking Mouth"

Or you could always just go the UC Davis PD route and just pepper spray him every time he raises his voice.

[lunatica]

13. Since you're a woman it helps to give him the look and say, "Who do you think

you're talking to?" and if he continues say something like Malaise says upthread, "I'm not your wife."

Not only will this work, but he'll avoid you like the plague. I hope you know what 'the look' is. It's that look that reminds people of their mother's 'The Look'.

[JoePhilly]

17. Talk to other co-workers, see if they feel the same ... approach management

either together, or separately.

The manager can then pull them aside and let them know that they have received numerous complaints about this kind of behavior from multiple people ... and that if he continues it, it will effect his performance reviews, and limit his opportunity for advancement.

This approach helps to distance you individually from the situation and provides your management with enough examples such that they can describe the general behavior, and its recurrence.

If your management is worth anything, they should document each discussion.

This can also help them begin to watch for instances of the behavior.

[raccoon]

18. Document every time he does this, and keep your documentation away from the workplace.

Some real good suggestions here, too.

[pipi_k]

19. Speak to your manager/supervisor. n/t

[Javaman]

20. I had someone like that recently...

He is an obnoxious type, but I never had to deal with him until recently.

He comes storming into my area about an issue he was completely wrong about yet, in his built up rage, he tried to make it my fault, when there was none to begin with.

so I let him rant and rage until he was out of breath, then asked if he was finished. He spit out a few more things, then asked again, are you finished? He said yes.

I then said, "until you can conduct yourself as a professional, I will not deal with you".

He blew a casket and started on his jag again.

I thought he was going to have a heart attack.

I, again stated what I said above. He stormed out of my area.

I casually walked down to HR, reported and reported him.

Apparently, he had done this to other people and those other people also reported him.

I'm glad to say, he got a massive demotion and he's being edged out know, but like that character from "office space", he's not bright enough to get the hint. So he's had his cubicle spot moved several times around the office to make room for new people.

[deaniac21]

23. Yeah, NARC 'em out!

[GoCubsGo]

21. Is he loud and obnoxious to you specifically?

If he's just generally being annoying, a simple "Could you please pipe down? People are trying to work here." should get the message across. If it's aimed at you, perhaps one of those "Don't fuck with me" looks might get the message across. If not, take the others' advice and talk to the management.

[Nye Bevan]

22. Wow. Over 20 replies so far, but not one suggesting asking the guy politely to lower his voice.

Isn't that the obvious first step before going to his manager, complaining to HR, etc.? Perhaps he doesn't realize he's being annoying.

[pipi_k]

28. With the numbers of workplace incidents

seemingly on the rise...or not, but still, they're scary anyway...

I would not tangle with a coworker or colleague who appears to have...issues.

I mean, I could see if the guy had hearing problems or something, and that's why he's loud. But the OP specifically said he's "obnoxious".

That can have a lot of different meanings, but I'm taking it to mean that he throws his weight around and acts like a bully at times.


If that's the case, then it's not smart to mess with a bully at work.

:shrug:

[Nye Bevan]

29. Not "tangle with". Not "mess with". Just a very polite request. (nt)

[raccoon]

31. I guess Emily Post we aren't. nt

[gkhouston]

32. "You have a big voice. You don't need to use all of it be heard."

It's what I've told my child since she was small. She has a naturally loud, resonant voice. Her preschool director overheard me gently correcting the munchkin one day and said it was the nicest way she'd ever heard to tell a kid to turn down the volume.

For assholish behavior (at work), I suggest, "I don't think _________ is a professional way to behave in the workplace."

[WildNovember]

38. +1. I think often when people are upset they actually don't realize how they come across.

I've had it happen to me -- I though I was portraying mild irritation and sarcasm about a situation, came off as aggressive and angry at uninvolved others -- not my intent at all. Asking someone to lower their voice in a way that doesn't imply you think they're a big asshole would be my first step.

[Gold Metal Flake]

25. I'm sorry. I'll try to be more calm.

:blush:

[closeupready]

26. Sometimes, when you go to HR, they prefer that you work it out yourself.

So I'm just very direct now - when something bothers me, I approach the offender and say, "please don't take this the wrong way, it's nothing personal, but can you please turn down the radio volume/stop doing your nails here/etc." It usually works, if the colleague is reasonable.

[mahina]

37. Really helpful, thank you

[HopeHoops]

27. In a public area with people all around, say,....

"Remember that one you told me - The only kind of meat a priest can eat on Friday is nun!" I thought it was rude, but it sort of fits right now.

If he balks about the context, just follow up with, "OOOh. Tell the one about the homeless man, the black guy and the naked blonde with herpes."

Keep in mind that while you did not specify whether this is related to being in the presence of women, I've noticed that such behavior often is and the perpetrators are asserting themselves for the purpose of reinforcing their self-believed dominance because of gender. Perceived dominance is often displayed this way by some "managers" and usually because it is the only management skill they have. You said "colleague" which nominally implies "peer". If it is a "I've got a penis so I'm better than you" attitude, shrinking the thing up with a few articulate and well-placed interjections could bring a halt to it - at least when YOU are around. You pretty much just need to think fast and throw something back at him that will derail his asshole train.

Individuals like that eventually stick their heads up their asses in an important meeting and are asked to move on to another company. Either that or they are promoted to senior management and the company is doomed.

Good luck.

[The Straight Story]

30. Pepper spray (nt)

[PCIntern]

33. "I was led to believe that you knew how to act like a human being," n/t