Advice for people who feel too shy to live out their dreams and plans.

[Mike 03]

I would love some advice to boost my self confidence. There are so many people here at DU I admire, who fight for what they believe. I feel very stuck and I want to do better, fight for the causes I believe in, but I suffer from this common problem: fear.

I need to do better. I want any advice about how to overcome fear and do something positive.

[Richard D]

1. It's a topic I deal with all the time

The only real advice I can give is to do what you fear - well, as long as it's not jumping off a cliff or something like that.

It's really the only way.

[Cronus Protagonist]

2. Just do something you've never done before

I promise you that it will be better than what you've BEEN doing all these years. You simply CANNOT DO WORSE than that! Seriously. Do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Get angry with yourself.

(Hope this helps)


:spank: :hi:

[JVS]

3. Ass pennies.

http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?title=ass-pennies&videoId=60669

[MrsBrady]

17. that's hilarious

and I don't know how the actor made it through that last monologue without laughing.

[nadinbrzezinski]

4. Find somebody who has the gear and the training

and go rappelling



Believe it or not, it is scary as hell, but it is a confidence builder from hell... why the military and EMS use it. No, not just for tactical\rescue situations... it just is an amazing confidence builder.

Oh and try things you have never done. .

[gateley]

5. I think most of us suffer from fear.

My biggest lesson was finally getting it that nobody really gives a shit about me -- they're not judging me -- they're only worried about themselves. :shrug: It's not about ME. Coming to that realization has helped me a lot.

And the times I've failed or been humiliated and just wanted to shrivel up and disappear, well, it DOES pass and in the big picture, I won't be lying on my death bed thinking that whatever it was that happened fucked up my life. I won't even remember. In fact, I don't remember a lot of them now -- do you remember yours?

:hug:

[emilyg]

6. +++++

[underseasurveyor]

7. That's what helped me the most, absolutely.

And it's so true.
Nobody really gives a shit and besides they're so involved with their own stuff they aren't paying that much attention anyway. If they're paying any attention at all.

I've put this to the test many times ... its true.

[patrick t. cakes]

8. +1000

[Catherina]

13. That too! Excellent post. n/t

[Sherman A1]

21. Agreed & Well Said

I was once told that there is something magic about hitting the 40 year old mark in life... "You really don't give a sh*t about what anyone thinks about you".

The lady who told me that was spot on.

[blondeatlast]

26. Absolutely! I went through it myself and that realization just came to me

once. Life has been so much easier to navigate since then.

[cbdo2007]

29. Good Answer! I think it was Dale Carnegie that once said....

"most people care more about having a bad hair day than they will about your death."

It's probably true also. Think about it, something you're worried about and fear, and have been obsessed with it for days on end. Now think about an acquaintance who has died and how long did you think about that? Probably a few hours and you probably shed some tears over it, but then your car ran out of gas and you got back to worring about the trivialities of your own life again.

[tinrobot]

9. The first step towards going somewhere is to decide that you can't stay where you are.

If you take action and make an attempt at your dreams, there's a decent chance that your dreams will come true.

If you do nothing, then your chances of making your dreams come true are a big fat zero.

So get off your rear end and take a step towards where you want to go. Then take another, and another... pretty soon you'll be a lot closer to where you want to be.

[somone]

10. Remember that old Confucius saying: "Just Do It"

Seriously, there is no better way. Just go do what you want, and the hell with what people think.

Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt. - Shakespeare

[Turborama]

11. Due to various incidents out of my control, I lost my mojo until recently and can totally relate

If you don't mind me asking, what are your dreams and plans?

[Catherina]

12. Realizing that I'll only live once and never pass this way again

helped me overcome some fears. The other thing that helped was realizing that the worse that can happen to you is death. If you believe in an afterlife, death is a nice heavenly reunion. If you don't, and I can never make up my mind, you end up in a box of nothingness staring at your 10 toes for all eternity, dead to it all.

I can't explain how or why but just thinking about those two things took away all the fear. I have no fear anymore that they could come drag me away one day. So what? The worse they can do is kill me and it won't matter anymore because it'll either be party time or nothingness time.

You fight so well Mike, in such a kind and effective way. You're one of my favorite posters because of the way you express yourself, the deep thoughts you have. I don't think you realize what positive good some of your threads already *do*.

Please don't feel pressured into changing anything.

[BanzaiBonnie]

14. This evening, my husband and I went to a group

to practice Nonviolent Communication.

We learned that:

Everything anyone does or says is in service of their needs.

We all have the same needs.

Each person is the sole authority of their needs.

Everyones' needs receive equal respect.


We all learn strategies to get our needs met. Some of those strategies are terribly inept and cause ultimate harm to ourselves and others. Many of our actions are based on our attempt to meet our need for safety. Fear that stops us from truly living a joyous and creative life springs from our feeling unsafe. If this resonates with you, you might explore the work of Marshall Rosenberg and find a group to practice a different approach to life than what most of us were taught.

Mr. BB learned early that life was dangerous and so he learned to tune out a lot and not let anyone too close. He told me tonight that I'm the least dangerous person he knows. We've been married 14 years. He freezes up when he even has to think about talking to someone he doesn't know. Fear.

[OneGrassRoot]

15. Fear rules so many....

It takes practice -- like flexing a new muscle -- but we have a conscious choice in every moment. I suggest start being aware of whether your choices (to do or NOT do something) are made out of love, or fear.

Choose love. For yourself, your loved ones, your community.

Choose love over fear. Not always easy, but it's a simple guiding force to keep in mind, one so many of us lose sight of.

:hi:

:hug:

[gateley]

31. Yes! When I find myself hesitant I ask myself "what would Love do?" and that

ultimately eases the way - it becomes a no-brainer.

Good one! :hi:

[MrsBrady]

16. there's a book I read years ago

called
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers.


I hadn't thought about that in a while. Maybe I should get a copy and read it again.


Courage isn't really 'getting courage' and then acting. it's taking action in spite of fears and obstacles.


Life is scary and fun and happy and sad. It's going to be that way if you take action or not.
I would rather feel the pain of growth than the pain of stagnation.
Might as well move forward.


You are not the only one that struggles with this. Just do what you can today, and tomorrow do what you can.

on edit: I may not get exactly what I want, but I at least try. That way I don't have any regrets.

[seabeyond]

18. fear is an illusion. it is a past, or it is a future, but not a now. you feel a physical reaction

to something that is not even happening. it is thinking about something in the past or future adn feeling a physical pain. to walk into fear, it disappears. to walk away from fear it gains momentum. sit in the now of the situation, not thinking about "what can happen" but in the now and nothing is happening, and you wont feel a physical reaction from fear.

[mmonk]

19. Fear can be destructive as we have seen this decade. But fear can be

a motivator as we have also seen under Roosevelt or Churchill. It depends on what you will allow it to be, destructive or motivating. Be willing to take risk. Only through risk to change can it be possible.

[delightfulstar]

20. Follow your heart...

It's only a dream if you let it stay that way. I'm pursuing my dream, which is to be a *working* stage actress, with an Equity card, and without a day job. It can be tough to break in, but I have faith in myself. The best advice I have is:

1. Stay committed.
2. Surround yourself with goal-oriented people.
3. Network, network, network.
4. Don't fear rejection...when a door closes, another is sure to open.
5. Most importantly, LOVE WHAT YOU DO - a little passion goes a long way.

All the best to you! :)

[qb]

22. Ask Dr. Ellis (his style of therapy helped me immensely)

Dr. Albert Ellis was a pioneer in cognitive therapy and excelled at communicating with lay audiences.
Here's a relevant advice column from his organization's web site:
http://www.rebtnetwork.org/ask/jan06.html

[babydollhead]

23. This helps me... by Goethe

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back-- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."

[kctim]

24. Ride, brother. Ride.

[logosoco]

25. Something very simple that helps me...

don't forget to breathe!
I realized I was holding my breath, fearful that "something" was going to happen and I was having panic attacks. Then I noticed when I would talk to people I would be fine. Because I can't talk without breathing!
My sister tells me "You can"t live your life wrong" and that gives me confidence, too.

[Mnemosyne]

33. +++++! n/t

[SoCalDem]

27. Life is short

The first 20 years are controlled by your parents & teachers

The last 20 years are controlled by a failing physical body

That leaves the middle part (usually 30-40 years).

Those are the years for YOU!

As someone who is pushing 62 (pushing it hard), I can tell you that the things we DON'T do, are the things that eat away at you as you age.

Be bold..take a chance.

The worst that can happen is that you "might" fail..but then maybe you won't. Even if you fail, you will learn something from that experience that will help you next time.

"Divorce" yourself from naysayers, unless they are intimately involved with whatever you are attempting to do. In that case, they may have valuable information that might spare you from making the same mistakes they did. In other cases, often the people who try to get you to doubt yourself, may just be envious because THEY never took the leap.

[blogslut]

28. Take an acting or public speaking class

You'd be amazed at what it will do for your self-confidence.

[Bluenorthwest]

30. Drop the vague and get specific...this is real advice.

Dreams, plans, fight for what you believe in, sure, but what do you mean by any of those things? In all seriousness, specificity of goals is key. Can not get what you want, till you know what you want. Can not know how to do it without knowing what it is. Specificity is your friend.
The other thing that comes to mind is that fear and courage look exactly the same from the outside. I recently watched a documentary about the Andes survivors known from the book 'Alive'. They were showing footage to show the great challenges they had to over come. Just when as an audience member I was looking at Nando Parrdo and his friends as brave beyone all compare, superhuman even, Mr Parrado, the real man, narrating today said 'When people look at this, they see courage. But I assure you, what you are looking at is fear, not courage.' He explained that his leadership and drive, truely amazing forces, came not from his greater courage, but from the fact that he faced a fear greater than that of his companions. While they all survived by eating the flesh of those who died, only Nando Parrdo faced the eventuality of eating from the bodies of his own mother and sister. It was not courage or will to survive that saved him and his friends, it was his stark fear of facing that unthinkable moment. Courage and fear, they look exactly the same to the witness.
I'd add that in my view, the great courage of Nando Parrdo is shown not in his climb out of the Andes, but in his truth and honesty in telling us what drove him. So easily he could let us all think he was brave, when he was afraid, he could let us think that he is not like us, that his heorism came from personal excellence, not from human love and fear. The couage of that man was in telling us that courage is just fear overcome, fear made small and insignificant by larger needs and greater emotions.
Interesting question, there Mike.

[GeorgeGist]

32. Fight cancer.

Looking at your profile, you have many hobbies that would be useful.

[Mnemosyne]

34. On my bathroom wall - "The most unfortunate thing that happens to

a person who fears failure is that they limit themselves by becoming afraid to try anything new." Anonymous

I bought a greeting card I found one time that I always try to remember, "Don't worry about what anyone thinks - chances are they don't."

I lived 52 years being afraid to live and living for others, this is my year to be open to whatever the Universe sends me! I could not go on that way any longer, life is too short. It's scary, but fun!

Hope you can find some confidence and peace, Mike! You write wonderful posts and are an asset here! Your friends are fortunate to have you in their lives! :hug::hug::hug:

[Melissa G]

35. Courage is just Persistent, Consistent Delivery.

It's not that one is not afraid, it's just that you do it (deliver) anyway. I learned this from my daily yoga practice. I make my yoga practice the most important thing I do each day and then to the best of my ability, I do my practice first.
My practice is what I give to the infinite and it carries me through the rest of my day. It also teaches me that I can persevere in the face of anything. It gives me a relationship with my mind and makes my mind my tool, not the thing that drives me crazy.

PS. your 'yoga practice' can be anything you do everyday. Just do what you have to do. One can observe the feeling of fear without giving the feeling much attention. A daily practice helps with this and so much more. :toast:

[nc4bo]

36. Nice post here, thanks for being brave enough to create it

and definitely some very good, useful info and ideas within.

:hi:

[tabbycat31]

37. I am a naturally very shy person

I made a career of fighting for Democratic causes (whether as a staffer or volunteer). It's what I live for and I wonder what took me so long to finally find a career that I LOVE. I truly believe I was put on this earth to fight for Democratic causes (and I plan on running for office myself eventually).

If you need anything feel free to send me a PM. I'm having anxiety attacks right now but it's not over career stuff.

[RagAss]

38. Think of a time when you won't be able to remember your own name !

[lumberjack_jeff]

39. I took the swimming lessons approach. Jump off the end of the dock.

I ran for city council and won. :scared:

Had to get over a bunch of insecurities and fears tout suite.

I suggest volunteering for board positions for government and local nonprofits. Good experience, meet new people, gain new skills.