Dealing with stepchildren,

[Codeine]

or Will This Be the Nightmare I'm Secretly Afraid It Will Be?

I'm a 40 year old who is about to take the next step with my girlfriend. When she moves in she'll be bringing her two little kids (a 3-year-old boy and a 6-year-old girl) with her. I get along great with the kids but I have ZERO experience with small children and after quite a long period of being a happy bachelor I'm a bit terrified about what this means for day-to-day living.

Any of you guys have to cope with this issue before? I don't really know how discipline will work (I mean, I don't wanna be THAT stepdad, but I'm not thrilled to be a doormat either), or whether children can be trained to maintain order and cleanliness, or if I'll ever get over the urge to puke each time I see the little one eating and getting food on his face.

I know she'll be - understandably - protective of them, but does it ever get to the point where a stepdad can be an authority to the kids without pissing their mom off and without gaining their undying hatred? I want them to keep on liking me and being eager to be around me, but I also want to maintain a little order in my home.

[comtec]

1. Their mother will probably always be the final arbitor

but in the end it's between you two to understand how discipline.
as an adult you already have the authority to tell them what is right and wrong.
there are very creative ways to control children without punishing them.

One important question, is how much is the father in their lives?
Is it a problem with him undermining (both of) your authority?

Generally I did what my step dad says, but it was up t my mother to decide a punishment for me.
mind you I was a teenager who had been the "man" of the house (and I was glad to step down too) and have always had a problem with authority.

with the ages the kids are, I don't think you'll really have the same problem.

My two cents, having been a step son, is just love them like your own children, not like they are baggage from your new wife.
As long as you see them as your children the rest should follow

[Broken_Hero]

2. I haven't had step children,

but I was adopted by my mothers second husband at an early age(6). He always treated us good, as his nature was very gentle, and he also treated my mother very well. He never pushed the meme that "hey, I'm your dad, take it or leave it" and had even keel support from my mother concerning punishments/rewards. I always viewed him as my father, and I claim his lineage. I also view my bio father in a pretty neutral fashion...I have memories of him, not all bad, nor all good...I just consider him the man that helped bring me into this world, nothing more.

In your circumstance,I would have a very open and truthful discussion with your SO in terms of punishments and what not. The dynamic of stepmoms/fathers is a hard row for me to grasp, as I've seen the relationship work, and the relationship crumble. Communication, and consistency are probably stalwart positions in this situation.

[lumberjack_jeff]

3. I don't have stepchildren.

It seems to me that you're going into this with the right attitude. My only advice is to buy those childproof doorknob covers, and put all the stuff you don't want kids playing with behind it.

Telling a 3 year old that something is off limits creates the strongest form of attractive magnetic field.

I don't think that kids can be "trained to maintain order and cleanliness". That's what parents are for. If you and mom aren't on the same page in this regard, then you'll either have to adjust your expectations or be frustrated.

It's more reasonable to set expectations with mom. This is your house.

[elleng]

4. Be kind, thoughtful and reasonable with them, as you appear to be,

and things will be fine. Remember they are people, encourage them to think and speak, and listen to them.

Good luck.

:thumbsup:

P.S., a mother of 2 young adult daughters here, fwiw.

:hi:

[MineralMan]

5. I think the thing to do is to start with a conversation about this with

their mother. I'm sure she'll welcome the discussion and you'll come to some sort of understanding about the issues. If you can't, then the whole thing probably won't work out that well in the end.

[Ghost in the Machine]

6. Take them under your wing, love them and treat them like they're your own and don't let yourself get

too frustrated with them. Take the time to really get to know them, and bond with them if you can. Let them know you are there for them, and they can come to you about anything. This is advice I would give about raising *any* kids. I've been a single father for 14+ years. Before that, I was with a woman who had a child I raised like my own for 5 years. To this day, she is *my* daughter. Not my stepdaughter, not my "ex's kid", but *my* daughter. She's 29 now, and just bought the palce next door to me and is moving up here next month.

My own children are 17 & 18 now, and I have never laid a hand on either of them. Kids are like little lumps of clay, and you can mold them into what you want them to be...if you do it right. Talk to them from the get-go like they are little adults, and real people. You would be amazed at what they understand. Talk to them calmly, even when they screw up. Explain to them what they did wrong, and *why* it was wrong. Then ask them to think about what they can do to make sure they don't make that same mistake again. If you go off screaming, yelling and belittling them all the time, they are going to be driven away from you, on top of them thinking you're some kind of psycho or something.

In short, just make clear what you expect from them, then work with them to help them meet your expectations....

Peace,

Ghost