I'm in love, and so frustrated.

[Tripod]

This is my very first time to start a thread. Excuse me if I don't use the correct terminology for DU. But I am so sad. I have had an up and down relationship with a beautiful, and intelligent women, for 13 months now. She and I have both tried to accept, nurture, and love each other. What I found out about myself is that I haven't matured as much as I had hoped in the last 20 years. And I assume that she hasn't either. I could get a lot more personal, but don't see the need to at this moment. I don't blame her for disliking me right now, but I do know that she loves me. She has proved it to me every single day. But I want more! A commitment to love, future, devotion, sex, and each other. Foremost,,,, love. That is it for now. I'm apprehensive about my thread. I hope for some response from others on DU.

[comtec]

1. Being this is the men's room, don't worry about being "correct" ;)

I don't have any sage words for you other than perhaps you are both, subconsciously, comfortable with your situation.
There is a girl in my life I care very, very much for. However it'll never go 'beyond' what we currently have which is very convenient for us both, to be honest.

Perhaps (without knowing more than what you posted) that is the same for her?
There is someone else in my life who i like, but that spark has never formed for me. it has for him. It may be that for your lady friend, that spark has also not formed to the point of critical mass?

It sounds like until something happens either naturally, or forced by either of you, a crisis point, you're not going to go past where you are.

Also... again not knowing ANYTHING beyond what you said, perhaps she's been badly scarred emotionally by a past relationship?

I know that for me right now, I don't WANT to get into anything more serious that what I have with my girl. I love my girl, she loves me, there is spark, but we don't want to go any farther.

just my two cents.
I hope venting helps you feel less frustrated ^^

[Tripod]

2. Thank you for your two cents worth.

You are very insightful at this moment. Your experience is helping me now. She was scared, very badly from a relationship just a few years ago. And I have been aware of it all along. I keep pushing, pushing, pushing, for more,,, and she gives more, but not at my speed. I used to be the one she talked to in the last couple years about her hardships in that love, but as I got closer, and more attracted to her it just became an evil energy that consumed me, like an anchor as I tried to swim. Does that make any sense to you?

[comtec]

4. Sorry, I'm in the middle of traeling atm

It sounds like she's moving at her pace.
I truly understand your frustration, however I think you're going to need to re-examine what you're truly looking for. Not just from her, but in general.

You need to step back for a little bit I think, and consider if what you want is what she wants or even needs.

Pushing someone into a relationship will in some cases cause them to pull away. Ironically I'm just on the tail end of that. As I think i mentioned above, he wanted so much more with me - tho he never said directly, his intentions were crystal clear - but I'm just not ready, or interested.

A year is and is not a long time when it comes to the heart. I still carry scars from 18 years ago (my first gf). I am still coping with my ex and our situation in the last few months i was there. It's been 4 months since I left, a year since I SHOULD have left.

She may NOT choose you, in the end. I REALLY understand that pain, as I've been there for people i've cared about, but always been "too late". In reality I think, I was never in the running. If you are, if you are the only one she's considering, then accept and simply enjoy what you have with her now.

Single yet attached is not a horrible position to be in. The uncertainty - perhaps thatbis what you are really looking for? that certainty that you have a relationship... that someone LOVES you? - can in itself be poisonous.

Try to simply dwell on the love and joy you two take in each other's company.
Well that's my 2 cents anyway.
sorry for the delay.
Be Well =]

[Tripod]

5. Thanks for writing again.

I'm in a rush to get to work this afternoon. It was nice to read your insight when I got up today. You speak from your experience, and I understand what you are saying. Thank you. ;)

[Tripod]

3. comtec, I wrote, and was hoping for another response.

[westerebus]

6. Females mature faster than males.

If she is twenty years old, hopefully you are dating in your age group (18 and over), that puts her at 24 maturity wise. That includes blonde's.

If she is unhappy with you because you are a horny twenty year old and wants an exclusive relationship that complies with your view of how relationships are supposed to be, I wish you good luck with that.

I remind my nieces that relationships with men are like handbags, they would never have just one, they would never keep one they didn't like, but if they find one they really liked, that's their choice.

Your twenty. Have fun. Enjoy what you got. Life is good.

[lumberjack_jeff]

7. In my experience...

The attraction dynamic is tough to manage.

You are madly in love with her... call it 9. She feels strongly for you too. Call it 7. The differential begins to bother you, "what more can I do?". Gifts, calls, attention... not working.

Paradoxically, her feelings for you begin to wane because (consciously or subconsciously) if you're working so hard to get her, then there must be a big value differential. "Maybe I can do better?" At the same time, your attention becomes fixed on solving this problem. That fixated attention looks like desperation.

It's why men ask themselves why assholes get all the girls, and why women complain that they only attract losers.

I decided at a relatively young age that I didn't want to do an act or work my ass off to attract a woman. I'm gonna be me, and that will attract the kind of person who can live with the real me, not the act. Married 27 years so far.

Make her feel like a million bucks. Don't begin to feel that a million bucks may be out of your price range.

[Tripod]

8. Thank you for your input every one.

I have broken it off with her. Even though this pains me so. :(